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    #35756 01/21/09 09:41 PM
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    Jen74 Offline OP
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    Hello everyone! We recently had our 4 1/2 year old tested with the WPPSI, and she scored a 139 FSIQ (99.5th percentile), with a 141 VIQ and 135 PIQ (Processing speed was low - 110 - due to perfectionist tendencies, which I expected). While it's my understanding that her scores do not indicate that she's HG, we are still a little nervous about what to do for kindergarten next year.

    We moved to our current district when I was pregnant because of the school system's reputation and excellent test scores, but we didn't consider checking out gifted programs at that point. After observing a kindergarten classroom last week, I'm not so sure we made a good choice. While our district is in an upper middle class suburb, they appear to have very little in the way of gifted programs. For the two elementary schools in our area (about 600 kids), there is one half time gifted teacher - and they don't identify kids before 3rd grade. Even worse, when I asked how many 3rd graders were in their program, they told me "One." ONE?

    Anyway, we're now second-guessing our school decision, and I wondered if anyone out there had advice for us - our daughter isn't on the extreme end of giftedness, but I can tell just from observing the K classroom that she already knows a large majority of what they were doing. We have the option of a private Montessori school, but it's expensive (although when I observed there, I loved it). In your experience, would a kid at her level do okay in our public school without gifted services?

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    I am going to wait for Dottie to answer for the numbers since she is our house specialist! But what you described for the school districts is a little disturbing. Not so much for the testing and gifted program starting at 3rd grade since this is not uncommon. In my opinion poor structure for the district, but not uncommon. But shocking about a part-time gifted coordinator and only one person in the program. Okay maybe I am being a little elitist here but the fact that you live in a upper middle class area I would think would yield more gifted students. Of course my senses could be warped b/c of the districts I am in/near and that is due to a large university.

    I think you are right to be concerned and really need to ask some direct questions and listen for the blanket statements. If you do get them it is major red flags.

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    I agree that it's a disturbing set-up, but I also think it's quite common, even in fairly wealthy areas.

    Our area--also middle to upper middle class, with a pretty good chunk of downright wealthy people--doesn't ID until 3rd grade unless a teacher or a parent requests early testing. There are no programs whatsoever until 4th grade, and they are slim: the weekly pull-out for an hour kind of thing. Not ideal!

    The GT coordinator--one per school--handles everything for that school: all the paperwork and administrative stuff and copying work, as well as the teaching load. If the teaching time amounts to half-time for 600 kids, I'd be surprised. They do their best, but there's too much to do.

    Now, a GT program is not necessarily required for a GT child to have needs met. Acceleration--by subject or grade--might be much better. Grouping with other GT kids in the classroom can be really super. Differentiation, which is not my pick for GT policy, still can be a lifesaver for some kids if it is practiced consistently across the grades.

    In short, a band-aid of a weekly pull-out GT program is not nearly as important as actually meeting the needs of a child.

    Jen, how flexible is the school? Are there any kids who have been accelerated, by subject and/or grade? Do they group? Do they differentiate? If so, what does that really look like in practice? (For example, giving MORE of the same work isn't really differentiation! It's punishing the GT kids!) Do they try to challenge all kids, or is their attitude that since a child is ahead, she can just sit on her thumbs until everyone else catches up? What's their approach to individualizing education?

    The danger of "good" schools in my experience is that they sometimes think that they have it all figured out and so they are inflexible. "We know what we're doing because all our kids are GT" is NOT what you want to hear! The needs of GT kids change so fast that they need a school set-up which will respond accordingly when things change.

    I think the moral of the story is that a "good" school may or may not be good for a particular child. Good for the average kid may be really awful for a GT kid. The attitude of the school to individual learning needs and the attitude of the teacher are a lot more important than a GT program, IMHO.


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    Take a look at acceleration. If the instruction is good at all grade levels, then acceleration may be a good fit.

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    Jen74 Offline OP
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    Kriston,

    Their response to the question of what to do with high ability kids before 3rd grade was two-fold:

    1. Most kids "catch up" by 3rd grade. Since we live in an upper middle class district with lots of SAHMs and enriched preschool experiences, it is not uncommon for kids to come into kindergarten way ahead of the norm. This is why they say they don't test for gifted programs until 3rd grade. For kids who are already reading in K, they are pulled out for 20 minutes PER WEEK with the GT. *sigh*

    2. Differentiation for high ability levels takes place in the classroom. However, when I observed a K classroom, I noticed that there were 4 stations during the reading period: one with the teacher, one with a parent volunteer, one at the computers, and one at a table where kids were coloring pictures. The parent was doing some canned "put the animal picture in the right Letter Sack" activity, and the teacher was doing sight words. Then the kids all rotated, so it looked to me like everyone got the same thing anyway.

    The upside of this school is its reputation as being one of the best in the state - so I'm thinking maybe I'm just off-base or expecting too much??

    I work in the nearby urban district, which actually does more for the gifted kids but has a generally lower-ability population in reg. ed. We could apply for a special transfer here, but it would be a lot tougher logistically.

    I don't know, maybe I am making too much of this - I teach middle school science, so I have no real basis for which to compare my daughter - and I keep thinking she can't be THAT much higher than other kids her age. Maybe we'll just try the local school and see how it goes. I don't think they would accelerate her at this point because she is only just starting to read and she has a late spring birthday....so I'm not sure acceleration would be the right choice anyway. Arg - decisions!

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    Jen -

    Have you double-checked the GT regulations at your state level? In my state GT services don't start until 3rd, with testing in Nov. of 2nd grade. However, in further researching the matter, I discovered that the state's own GT Best Practices legislation states that GT services cover grades 1-12. I called the state dept. of education and talked to the educational consultant in the Gifted and Talented department. He told me that if I pushed it, the district would have to test my son earlier and provide needed services before grade 3.

    Might be worth a check.

    Also, with my older child we were able to have her subject accelerated beginning in 1st grade.


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    I agree with Kriston and if you can visit and get to know the school and teachers ahead of time and get them to take you seriously - that will probably help you out. I finally, got my son's school in VA to agree to have a gifted education specialist assess my son even though he is only in K. They currently don't even have enough "gifted" 1st Graders to have him join an advanced cluster. There are about 7 identified gifted kids in the entire school. Emotionally, they are worried he will miss his free time in K. For a gifted kid - I see that "free time" - as the time they get to really "think" and be creative in the way they need to be? We are waiting to see if they will agree to "pulling him out for an hour here or there" because he also is having so many behavioral issues - but it's all happening way too slow when you consider what might be at stake intellectually right now.

    Of course, if he tests "super gifted" or even "highly gifted" I will probably reconsider the entire situation. The worst for him all along has probably been not bonding with his peers as his language is so in advance of most little kids it ailienates them. Girls, however, tend to be more flexible than boys and adjust to just about every situation (Read - "What Could He Really be Thinking") - however, that often means that their needs get overlooked.

    If you already have your private WPPSI - you're ahead of the game. Montessori, though expensive might be a better option. If our Montessori experience had been less disappointing, or if I could have afforded the better Montessori school in town and they didn't have such a ridiculously long waiting list - I still think they offer a better introductory program. (You can view my other posts on Montessori for more on pros and cons). Their math system is so tactile - and in our experience, they encouraged all Pre-K students to stay until at least 1st grade because usually Montessori educated Pre-K's get bored at state school repeating material they already know. Torture for my son right now learning letter of the week for probably the 4th year in a row. Montessori isn't terribly renowned for being great beyond 1st grade though - so in a year or so, you'd be back to square one.

    You could also look for an Elementary School using the International Bacc. program. I hear the one in the really "posh neighborhoods" my side of town are trying to introduce that. Don't know to what degree that is more challenging. I've also heard it said State school is still the best place for gifted kids if they are likely to get into the gifted centered schools in your county by 3rd grade - although private schools will mostly take 90th percentile kids only anyway. You could consider private until 3rd grade maybe? Then reassess.

    Sorry. I know what you're going through - but I feel bad for not doing more in advance when it comes to getting to know how your local school is likely to react. So - don't wait to get started if you have the luxury of visiting frequently!

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    BTW, to answer your original question:

    Originally Posted by Jen74
    In your experience, would a kid at her level do okay in our public school without gifted services?


    Our son did fine in the same basic situation you describe for his K year with a *great* teacher who recogized him as GT, felt the need to teach him something even though he was ahead, and did a fabulous job of differentiating the curriculum. Plus it was a half-day, mostly play-based curriculum, so he had time to himself to pursue his interests outside of school. It was a good year. His stoplight for discipline issues never went to yellow--not once all year!

    He did NOT do okay in this situation in 1st grade with a full-day, highly academic program--meaning all letter sounds all the time: ugh!--and a not-good teacher who did not feel the need to teach him anything, did not differentiate, and didn't recognize that his acting out was a sign of mild brain death, not discipline problems. sick He was angry, sad, frustrated and disappointed in everyone who was supposed to be taking care of him. The light was going out of his eyes. He was thinking of himself as a bad kid.

    We pulled him out for "emergency homeschooling," and it was the right thing for us to do.

    I'm not saying that's what you or anyone else should do. Every case is different. But in our particular "good" school system, it was pretty clear that I could slave away at advocating for my child and not doing very well at it--SO not my strength! eek--or I could spend that time just teaching him. The latter was more appealing to me and seemed a better solution for our particular child, so that's what we did.

    In a more flexible school or in an area less friendly to homeschooling, I'd have gone another route. But in our case, it was the obvious choice.

    <shrug> FWIW...


    Kriston
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    I checked with the state, and if I request testing before 3rd grade, the school has to comply. However, even if she qualifies, there is no law about how much time they need to give her - could be 20 minutes one day per week and they would be in compliance.

    I've been reading a lot about how gifted kids handle school in mixed ability classrooms, and I'm interested in the differences between GT boys and girls. It seems as though boys act out more often, complain of boredom, etc., while girls are often teacher-pleasers who do their work without complaint. A friend of mine (whose DD turns out to be PG) sat in K half the school year until her mother asked the teacher if he was aware that her daughter was reading Harry Potter. The teacher didn't even know she could read! Seems the kid was simply sitting quietly in the class, completing her worksheets, and getting along fine. Needless to say, the mom requested testing and eventually moved DD to a self-contained gifted program for HG and PG kids.

    My kid is not that high, but knowing her, I think she will do much the same thing in a regular classroom - sit quietly and do what the teacher asks her to do without complaint (but never really being challenged). This is what's happening already with preschool - they are doing the "letter of the week" thing, which she's known for 2 years - but she's not complaining about it at all. In fact, despite the fact that she gets virtually no intellectual stimulation at preschool (at least none that I can see), she loves recess and looks forward to "popcorn and movie" day once a week. Then she comes home and makes up for it with incessant questions about Venus Flytraps and existential ideas about life being a dream instead of reality. Sure wish she could get some of that at preschool!

    Anyone else notice this kind of acceptance/compliance in their DD? I'm worried this will be a trend throughout her school years, then when she hits a challenge in an AP high school course, she won't know how to handle it....

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    There are still a lot of personality differences within each gender. I was the compliant child, but DD8 is definitely not. She quit complying at the end of Kindergarten, missed a lot of recess in 1st for not doing her work (which I was unaware of until later), and in 2nd has managed a compromise of doing the absolute minimum so that the teacher can put a grade in the grade book. The problem with the non-compliant child is the school comes back with "she won't even do X so we don't have to do anything else for her". Her teacher thinks that she should take some initiative to challenge herself in her work. At school she doesn't act out or complain, which may be typical of girls, but she doesn't want to do the useless work and the teachers aren�t interested in helping her. If she were more compliant, the teachers might have a more favorable opinion of her, which could be beneficial.

    I think a lot of kids are quietly miserable since they don�t know what to ask - they just know they're miserable - which is why advocating for them is so important.

    lily #35802 01/22/09 05:20 PM
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    I was a little relieved that DS7 was acting out, for that very reason, Jen. He's such a rule-abiding kid that I feared he'd suffer in silence. While I did not want him to get into trouble, of course, I was glad that he didn't "go gently into that good night" when it came to school challenge.

    I agree with Grinity (on another thread maybe--I'm sorry if I'm confusing threads!) that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and a kid acting out at least gets some kind of attention from the school. In some ways, in some cases, that acting out can be useful for getting a kid what he or she needs!


    Kriston
    lily #35803 01/22/09 05:24 PM
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    Originally Posted by lily
    The problem with the non-compliant child is the school comes back with "she won't even do X so we don't have to do anything else for her". Her teacher thinks that she should take some initiative to challenge herself in her work.

    Ugh. We're dealing with this now with DS5 (early entry into first grade). We're having behavioral/compliance issues which may or may not be GT related. Plus, we're getting a little bit of nonsense from the school that the burden is on DS to "show what he knows."

    With about half the school year over, we're starting to think that we went in the wrong direction. Of course you make the best decisions you can at the time.

    Unfortunately no real advice except for condolences that we've been there.

    JB

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    Lack of challenge definitely encourages perfectionism in the teacher-pleasers, and not in a good way! I say that from personal experience...


    Kriston
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    Originally Posted by Jen74
    Hello everyone! We recently had our 4 1/2 year old tested with the WPPSI, and she scored a 139 FSIQ (99.5th percentile), with a 141 VIQ and 135 PIQ (Processing speed was low - 110 - due to perfectionist tendencies, which I expected). While it's my understanding that her scores do not indicate that she's HG, we are still a little nervous about what to do for kindergarten next year.

    Hi Jen74, Welcome!
    So glad that you are here!

    Originally Posted by Davidson Young Scholar Guidelines
    Standard score 150+ (99.9th percentile):
    Verbal, Performance or Full Scale


    I agree with Dottie that it's a little early to say 'how gifted' your DD is, but she is certianly gifted by anyone's definition, and I quoted the numbers above to mention what Davidson considers 'too high to measure accurately.' Notice that they aren't looking for 'across the board high scores' so don't worry about the PIQ unless you see it while she is doing her homework. To me, her numbers suggest that she may well be highly gifted.

    I think that personality plays a role. You can help out by afterschooling her, to be sure that she accepts 'as a matter of course' that Mom or Dad will be supplying challenging homework, no matter what goes on at school. My DS12 says that looking back he was 'bored out of his mind' in kindy, but he didn't have the awareness to report that at the time. He is definitly a 'make the best of things' kind of kid. Even with your FSIQ of 99.5, your district may not have more than 1 in 100 kids like your DD. Even if they have 1 in 50, them may be too 'full of themselves' to recognise her unique needs.

    I would request that they test her, to see where her 'readiness to learn' level is. They may be able to 'patchwork' together a school day that teaches her to learn how to learn, and that smart doesn't equal 'effortless results.'

    Generally, we hope to see the 'perfectionist behavior' decrease as the classroom fit get closer to her readiness level. Since she isn't going to raise a fuss, use her level of 'perfectionist behavior' to judge how good a fit she is getting in her school work, and the effect it is having on her.

    Many girls have good enough social skill to fly under the radar. Not all though. You have a much harder job than the parents of a kid who is acting out convinsing yourself that you have to keep an eye on things. Spend some time observing possible kindy classes for next year. Remember that 139 is two third of a standard deviation higher than the gifted cutoff, and given the tail-shape of the bell curve, you would expect many, many more kids right around the cut off than you would two thirds of a SD out.

    Love and More Love,
    Grinity


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    These types of discussions are why I like following this group... Following with interest...

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    Originally Posted by Dottie
    Originally Posted by Kriston
    Lack of challenge definitely encourages perfectionism in the teacher-pleasers, and not in a good way! I say that from personal experience...
    Hmmm, could you expound on that? You are hinting at something I see in DD14!


    Oh, sure. Sorry to seem vague! blush

    When you have nothing constructive to focus on, you obsess about the details. A 99% isn't good enough for you if you knew the whole lesson before it began. Dumb mistakes mean to you that you're dumb. And when you hit something that is actually a challenge for you, you feel like a complete idiot because you have never learned to overcome challenge.

    In my case, I got to advanced math my junior year of high school, got my first B+ on my report card EVER, and considered suicide. (And I am not otherwise a depressed, suicidal person.)

    Not being perfect shook my definition of who I was. If I wasn't a straight-A student who didn't make mistakes, then who was I? Did I have any worth as a person?

    Obviously not healthy! eek

    It wasn't until I was in my late 30s that I really began to overcome this problem. (Though grad school helped...) I'm still much more of a perfectionist than I would like to be, but I am now more willing to take risks, to make mistakes, to let go of the little things and not feel like my mistakes mean that I lack value as a human being.

    I wish I had had the opportunity to fight this fear earlier in my life...


    Kriston
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    I hope it is helpful. smile Heaven knows, I owe you a few... wink


    Kriston
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    Originally Posted by Kriston
    When you have nothing constructive to focus on, you obsess about the details.

    DS12 says that when stuff is too easy, he gets all nervous - looking for tricky details. He just plain couldn't accept that this stuff he was given was easy and leave it at that.

    I am so grateful that nowadays he studies a bit, gets lots of scores in the high 90%s and does almost all his homework during study hall. With his gradeskip and early birthday, he is facing the same challenges as a MG kid - Yippee! He will be getting a report card soon where I expect him to have a 94 average across all his subjects! Wow! I expect that with challenging summer programs and weekend enrichment, he'll be fine until next year when the 'honors classes' start.

    If there is a continum from shamingly easy to easy to interesting and occasionally challenging to a definitle challenge to just plain too much, then DS is in the happy part of the road. And I see that he is excited by the feedback of his grades, but still has a 'clunker' now and again that he has to 'make up for' later. I'm going into all this detail as a contrast to the 'shamingly easy' work that sends the unintended message that 'you are drifting in outerspace - without any guidance.'

    I don't know if kids are competitive by nature, but I was amazed at the level of detail and interest that DS and his friends put into classifing the various relative strengths of all the kids at school. Almost like the early biologist discovering and classifing the natural world. I think that what Gifties of all ages most lack is 'Reference.' The best I could do growing up was to compare myself to characters in books - and guess what? I never seemed as good/strong/ smart as those girls. Trying was glorious, but also confusing. The work we are given at school is like a probe into our unknown selves. If the work is way below readiness level, it doesn't give very good information.

    Love and More Love,
    Grinity


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    Excellent news about his fingers, kcab!

    peace
    minnie

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    Jen74 Offline OP
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    Well, I'll just share my own story of perfectionism - I entered kindergarten already reading, and I breezed through the primary grades. When my family moved at the end of my 2nd grade year, the principal told my mother he was sorry to see us go, because I was the smartest kid he had in the school (my mother loves telling that story). However, about halfway through 4th grade, I hit a wall with fractions - I just couldn't understand them! In those days, mathemathics was taught as a memorized process - not a conceptual understanding. So I freaked out.

    One day, while staring at a blank worksheet with all the other kids working steadily away, the teacher approached and noticed I hadn't done any problems. In a cold sweat, I jumped up from my desk and told her I was going to be sick. After I cleverly waited until the end of math time to come back from the bathroom, the teacher came to me and said, "Jennifer, I know you must not be feeling well if YOU aren't doing the work - you're the smartest kid here, and you understand EVERYTHING!" At that point, I realized I actually wasn't very smart - that no matter how sophisticated my language, fluent my reading, or detailed my writing, I couldn't get fractions and therefore must be dumb. I've had a math complex ever since, and have only recently realized that it probably kept me from attempting medical school.

    So all in all, I am worried about how my daughter will handle challenges, as I already see her shy away from anything she perceives might be difficult - and I don't want her K experience to be so easy that her first real challenge ends in disaster.

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    DS6 becomes perfectionistic when every paper he gets back, without him putting in any effort, has a smiley and a comment such as "brilliant!" or "Perfect!". He is hesitant to take risks and do harder work because he would "blow his cover" and reveal himself as not being brilliant. So he declines that optional extra enrichment sheet in school. I recently met the mom of a gifted 7th grader who said she cheered when her son finally failed his first test!

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    Originally Posted by Grinity
    Generally, we hope to see the 'perfectionist behavior' decrease as the classroom fit get closer to her readiness level. Since she isn't going to raise a fuss, use her level of 'perfectionist behavior' to judge how good a fit she is getting in her school work, and the effect it is having on her.

    I think this is very wise - I'll definitely pay attention to this!

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    Wow, it was hard to make myself read the entire thread before posting. This is exactly where we have been with DD8, and I only realized this past year that I had/have the same issues. So, where to start...

    Jen74: we also moved to this district because of the 'fantastic' school system here. We did not realize DD8 was gifted (yes, I have apparently been in denial my entire life); therefore, we didn't even ask about gifted programming (read: I'm a terrible mom). DD8 had a great time in Kindy - she now tells us that it's because that is where she really "discovered her love affair with legos" (seriously, those are her words). That teacher warned us that she would have trouble with some teachers, but that she is very bright (did not mentioned the term "gifted").

    First grade was a train wreck. Teacher did not appreciate DD8 at all. She was tested for gifted program, but did not get in. Our gifted ID starts with achievement tests in math, science, social studies, language arts and reading. To qualify, you have to get above 96%ile in 3/5 of them. Because I insisted that our kids "have a childhood", we basically held her back during pre-school time, so of course she didn't do well enough on the achievement tests (read: yes, I'm a terrible mom). And we didn't push it because we trusted this 'fantastic' school system's judgement!! Her first grade teacher told us throughout the year that DD should be in the gifted program (DD had been telling her she was bored), but that "until she is able to complete her work in the classroom, she cannot recommend her for gifted again". We didn't push it because it would only get her 2 hours in a pullout program (again, bad mom...). Finally after a blue ribbon in the science fair that was clearly her own work, they tested her again and she blew it out of the water!

    I thought first grade was rough until 2nd grade came along. That's when DD started refusing to do the work and telling teacher she hated her. The school started 'unofficially' suggesting ADHD or bipolar disorder. Luckily the gifted teacher looked back at those achievement test scores and the reasoning and creativity test scores and said "hmmm, maybe we should do an IQ test?" I, very confused, said "but she's already in gifted - how will that help?" That was the first I'd heard of LOG (stupid mom!).

    I've always told people that you can't just rely on doctors to take care of you - you have to do your own research and take charge of your own health. So why didn't I do the same for her (or my for that matter) brain's health? (the worst mom ever-LOL).

    Before I continue, I should mention that I'm known as an eternal optimist. However, while I kind of believe that some HG kids do fine in the ND classroom of a 'fantastic' school, I also believe that even that is likely an illusion. The kids that DD really relates to are in gifted with her, but their parents think all is well. However, from what I've read if those kids are also HG (and I believe they are), it's only a matter of time...

    Kriston - thanks for being so open and honest. I am a perfectionist as well and did great all through school - that is until college when I didn't walk in knowing everything (it was only a matter of time). As you could tell from my comments in parens, I STILL beat myself up when I think I could have or should have done more or known more, etc. So yes, I'm thrilled that DD is "a behavior problem" so she will be better off than I am.

    It is wonderful Jen74 that you are so ahead of the game. Whatever you decide for her school right now, continue to stay on top of things. As others have said - look for signs of stress. My DD was having stomache aches at bedtime. Then she started showing anxiety with habits like biting nails, fiddling with her fingers, etc. I was a knuckle popper - OK, I admit that I still am sometimes :-) With DD, they all disappeared for a few months when the school made extra accommodations for her.

    Talk to her about her fears, etc. DD8 told me 2 nights ago that she has been noticing her anxious habits when she is "afraid of failing, of getting things wrong"; I don't think she would have figured that out if I hadn't noticed they were back (already?!) and made her aware of them and suggested that she try to find out what triggers them so she can fix the real problem. Also watch for bullies (the American Girl movie about Chrissy really helped with that issue by the way). And whatever decisions you make, don't expect them to even work for a whole school year. Remind yourself that your 'mistakes' are helping future kids, so they are really successes! (yes, I know I sound hypocritical, but I'm really trying to practice what I preach)

    I hope this helps - if you even made it to the end of this LONG post!


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    Originally Posted by Kriston
    In my case, I got to advanced math my junior year of high school, got my first B+ on my report card EVER, and considered suicide. (And I am not otherwise a depressed, suicidal person.)

    I am convinced that learning to fail, and to recover from it, and even to become better because of it, is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children. First of all, no great discoveries are made without lots and lots of failures. If our kids are ever to do the great things they are all capable of it will only be because they manage to respond to these failures creatively and with enthusiasm. But even more importantly, no life is lived without failures. The person who can't confront them, and even relish them, becomes very brittle indeed.

    My story is like Kriston's but even more absurd. I wasn't confronted with my suicidal moment until I was already in my second or third year of graduate school (my undergraduate and graduate work was compressed, so it's hard to know how to count it). My failure to achieve an absurdly prestigious scholarship nearly drove me over the edge. It was a completely ridiculous reaction, and it would have been funny if it wasn't so serious. It took me the rest of my years in graduate school to learn to deal with it. I'm absolutely convinced, though, that whatever success I've had since then is due in much smaller proportion to my intelligence than to my ability to persevere in the face of failures, and the related ability to take risks that I otherwise wouldn't have imagined.

    I don't know how, exactly, we teach this kind of lesson to our kids. But I'm convinced that it's one of the most important things they can learn.

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    Originally Posted by gratified3
    When my kids play competitive chess, I don't ask them if they won when they walk out of the room, but rather if they had fun, worked hard, concentrated well, and behaved as good sports. I don't know if that sinks in, but I try.

    I can only imagine your kids will benefit from your teaching them these values G3. I really think that playing chess with different levels of players has given both DS and DD some great life lessons, more than they will get in the classroom. In addition to learning to have fun even though they're losing a game, they found that there will always someone more skilled who can beat them. But they also learned that losing a game is the only way to improve their skills. I love that their coach tells that playing against stronger players is the best way to get better. DD(almost 5) now doesn't have a tantrum when DS6 beats her smile

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    I agree that the perfectionism discussion should be a separate thread, but I can't help jumping in here. My parents and teachers praised me for my smarts, maturity, and ability to draw from the time I started school. My mom threw a little party the day I got into the gifted program in the second grade and refused an offered gradeskip around that same time because she wanted to keep me at the very head of my class. I also remember winning every single contest I ever entered--coloring, drawing, poetry, book reading, science fair, you name it--while I was in elementary school, and I was selected to be on local public tv once or twice because of some class project I'd done. In retrospect, all of this assured me at a very early age that I was smart and talented (at certain things) and showed me a clear and easy path to winning praise and acceptance. Being not just smart but "the smartest" became my entire identity, and by junior high I was going to ridiculous lengths to make straight As (even wrote extra credit reports for gym!), while avoiding any activity that I hadn't already mastered. The thought of making mistakes in front of other people absolutely terrified me, making classes like gym, choir, debate and Spanish a painful nightmare for me. I never even attempted to learn an instrument, and I'm still not able to speak Spanish (for fear of making mistakes) despite years' worth of studying.

    So, from my perspective, the more Bs and Cs on my son's report card the better! And he's not entering any contests unless there promises to be some real competition. I've even enrolled him in kindergarten a year early (to start next fall), hoping to keep perfection out of his reach, just in case he decides to aim for it.


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    Originally Posted by BaseballDad
    I am convinced that learning to fail, and to recover from it, and even to become better because of it, is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children. First of all, no great discoveries are made without lots and lots of failures. If our kids are ever to do the great things they are all capable of it will only be because they manage to respond to these failures creatively and with enthusiasm. But even more importantly, no life is lived without failures. The person who can't confront them, and even relish them, becomes very brittle indeed.


    This is so on the mark. Especially that last line: brittle is the perfect word for it. That's almost poetic! Yes!


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    Aw, shucks... blush

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    Originally Posted by Kriston
    Originally Posted by BaseballDad
    I am convinced that learning to fail, and to recover from it, and even to become better because of it, is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children. First of all, no great discoveries are made without lots and lots of failures. If our kids are ever to do the great things they are all capable of it will only be because they manage to respond to these failures creatively and with enthusiasm. But even more importantly, no life is lived without failures. The person who can't confront them, and even relish them, becomes very brittle indeed.


    This is so on the mark. Especially that last line: brittle is the perfect word for it. That's almost poetic! Yes!

    Yes. So many smart people just take what is handed to them. We've got a technical development project where the vendors keep trying to change the rules and keep coming up with objections and I have to constantly keep pushing people forward by asking what the issues are and then look for ways to solve or bypass issues. No one wants to run the risk of failure or when failure occurs, they don't want to dig in for specifics and find solutions - they just want to fall back on what works.

    The attitude that we will dig in and make things work and find solutions is infectious, too. Once someone gets the knack of it, then it becomes a habit - you run into an obstacle and then automatically find a way around it.


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    This touches on another difference between Real Life (tm) and School.

    In School, curriculum can be seen as historical knowledge handed down to generations. The age at which something was discovered is a clue as to how settled it is and how "ritualized" it is. ABC's are pretty old. The alphabet and arithmetic are 10000+ years old.

    Geometry and History are 2000+ years old. Algebra and Literary Criticism are 500 years old.

    Mechanics and Calculus are 300 years old.

    And so on.

    Its not until you get into Quantum Mechanics or CompuSci Or Genetics or Medicine that you get into the 20th century.

    As a result, the knowledge is handed to kids and much if not all of the excercises are cut and dried with specific answers. Further, the instructors are plowing ground they have been over hundreds of times.

    Where is the room for uncertainty and doubt? For incremental advancment to understanding?

    We trade speed of advancement for effort of discovery - which is fine - but we lose the ability to press on and find out for ourselves.

    Pressing on is a skill that has to be developed and it takes time to learn do this. A really smart kid who has never done this is totally unable to proceed where a less bright kid who has always struggled will succeed.

    Perfectionism in the pursuit of canned activities - of ritualized rote learning - rather than struggling through something that requires time and effort with uncertainty and lots of false paths - is the real danger. The former type of perfectionism makes for a very brittle psyche.








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    Furiously scribbling notes for my next parent teacher conference (and probably all future conferences). This is why the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when DD brings home perfect score after perfect score. The longer we go without facing failure and learning to work through it, the greater the risk of giving up completely.

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    I came across this today in the Assessment Manifesto and thought it tied into the perfectionism issue.
    http://www.assessmentinst.com/forms/AssessManifesto-08.pdf


    Quote
    The psychological underpinnings of student motivation
    and learning success are directly relevant here. Our
    aspiration is to give each student a strong sense of
    control over her or his own academic well-being. Albert
    Bandura (1994) refers to this sense as �self-efficacy.� In
    the paragraphs that follow, he describes this continuum
    as a psychological construct. However, if the reader will
    think of this continuum in terms of the student�s sense of
    control over learning success (academic self-efficacy, if you
    will), it will become clear that the consistent application of
    principles of assessment for learning can move students
    boldly toward the productive end:
    A strong sense of efficacy enhances human
    accomplishment and personal well-being in
    many ways. People with high assurance in their
    capabilities approach difficult tasks as challenges
    to be mastered rather than as threats to be
    avoided. Such an efficacious outlook fosters
    intrinsic interest and deep engrossment in
    activities. They set themselves challenging goals
    and maintain strong commitment to them. They
    heighten and sustain their efforts in the face of
    failure. They quickly recover their sense of efficacy
    after failures or setbacks. They attribute failure to
    insufficient effort or deficient knowledge and skills
    which are acquirable. They approach threatening
    situations with assurance that they can exercise
    control over them. Such an efficacious outlook
    produces personal accomplishments, reduces
    stress and lowers vulnerability�
    In contrast, people who doubt their capabilities
    shy away from difficult tasks which they view as
    personal threats. They have low aspirations and
    weak commitment to the goals they choose to
    pursue. When faced with difficult tasks, they dwell
    on their personal deficiencies, on the obstacles
    they will encounter, and all kinds of adverse
    outcomes rather than concentrate on how to
    perform successfully. They slacken their efforts
    and give up quickly in the face of difficulties.
    They are slow to recover their sense of efficacy
    following failure or setbacks. Because they view
    insufficient performance as deficient aptitude it
    does not require much failure for them to lose
    faith in their capabilities. (p. 71)

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