Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Any non-gifted parents?

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only parent that has a HG+ child, and is not a gifted parent. I have some gifted relatives, and DH is MG. Being non-gifted and having a child like mine has it's own set of issues/challenges. I am by no means unintelligent, but not "gifted." I very well may be the one giving blank stares during intellectual conversations. But I am social, just typically not around intellectual topics. I rarely read books other than for work and children's books, I am not very aware of policies, etc. Just curious...anyone else? (I can forsee this being a little awkward if no one responds, LOL)

Okay, I have entered the acceptance stage. I am the only one, LOL.

Raising my hand! I'm as ND as they get. DH (in my opinion) is GT in math and science, but was never tested. My kids amaze me everyday

I'm not gifted by sense of the word. I am on this site everyday, but I don't participate b/c I don't feel qualified. Most, if not all of the people on the forum are way smarter than me.

I hope you don't let that hold you back. Just like gifted kids don't have all the answers, neither do their parents (gifted or not). Things that work for one child may not work for another, so the more creative options we can come up with together, the better.

Well I suppose I can't say for sure as I have not taken an IQ test, but I really don't believe I am. I would guess I am a little above avg, and I am very okay with that. And I would also say I am pretty good at self-assessments. My friends and family would agree I am sure. When people hear what my son is doing they are often very confused as to how this even happened, as am I. Some distant gene I suppose. I do feel I am intelligent enough to keep up with everyone, and still don't feel unqualified to be here or anything. No worries, I have a healthy self esteem despite being NG, LOL. I was just curious if there are others out there in my situation and what it is like for them. I do think there is an interesting dynamic with me as a parent of a child like mine. I love him to pieces, but we are very different. He is very academically driven, and I am much more socially driven. I am a social worker and for me it is all about instilling values, good social skills etc., for him it is all about learning and academics. We strike a good balance, but I still see it as a challenge.

I hope you will still participate, I never at all saw this as a site for gifted adults, but for adults that have children that are gifted. Maybe that is because I am NG and couldn't figure it out, LOL. Seriously though, everyone is different and IQ is just one element of how are different. It shouldn't define you at all or make you feel like you don't belong here. Thankfully there is no criteria and/or application process to be on this board.

And I am also happy you are participating because you helped me realize I am not the only one. ; )

It's funny, I didn't even think of this until Grinity invented the word Gwishy and shared the backpack story which was a funny visual image to me. It reminded me of how my son will be in about a year, but I realized that I couldn't relate to that. It's still funny to me though because I can relate through him because that's just how he is.

Welcome RJH! I think the wow factor is bigger for us possibly with our children. My DH is Gifted, but not like our DS. DH read at 4, DS read before he was 2. That's just an example, there are many other areas he excels in.

Oh yeah my hand is way up!! My kids are way smarter than me. My DH on the other hand....totally different story. I'm just the agitator :-)

My husband will tell you he is not gifted. He might even tell you he isn't all that smart. He will study constantly for something he really knows inside and out and will sell himself short at every corner. I know he was tested as a child and his IQ is above 140, he is actually gifted in that regard, but he doesn't see himself that way and never will.

I completely agree with the above statement Dottie made. I welcome you and tall boys and hope that you will participate. Yes, you are qualified. You are the parent of a gifted child just like the rest of us.

I also find that any child today, gifted or not is way beyond what we as nation were when we were children. I was just talking to my MIL today about what we learned in K compared to what the "average" child learns in K today. You can't compare just in the technology and discoveries that we have made in the last ten years alone. I also repeat what many of us have said, my children amaze me every day, and in that too we are all the same.

LOL, people will say that about us as well. When they hear what DS does they say, is DH like that. Or they are all confused and I say, well DH is gifted. Then they say "really?" It's kind of funny because he is clearly gifted, but he is kind of quiet and sarcastic as am I (the sarcastic part, not the quiet), so people don't see him in that way.

Sorry, I had to highlight that because I thought it was cute, like a confession. ; ) I totally agree with your post. I think there is a balance. In some ways I see it as a good thing that I am not gifted, and also that I do not lack the social side. I don't know yet what LOG my DS4 is (we are doing testing in spring), but based on what he is doing I would assume he HG+. I am well aware that there could be some social challenges with this, however I feel like having the parents he has will really help him fit in more socially and be more comfortable with his peers. So far so good, we will see. I know his peers won't be interested in half the stuff he is, but it least he will have some decent social skills modeled to him. DH is gifted, but has decent social skills. And I hope no one thinks I am implying that all gifted people have poor social skills, but you hopefully know what I am saying.

Gotta run, DS4 and the rest of the fam is just getting home and I need to hear all about DS's first day at his new montessori school. ; )

I have to hold up my hand on this one too, my kids make me like a big dum dum sometimes. My DD5 is starting to correct my grammer and the way I pronounce my words. The funny thing is that she is right(I of course look it up to be sure) The last correction was the word "sherbet" I keep saying "shur-bert" and I hear out of her mouth, Mommy it's "shur-bet" not "shur-bert" I stand corrected. I know I'm in for trouble.

So I just figured it's some mutant gene that got loose in our gene pool (a good gene) until I was talking to one of my sister-in-laws. The one who is married to DH brother. "well you know your DH was tested as a genius"? "His mom used to tell me that all the time" (she's not with us anymore)

OK so now I feel like a dum dum, I knew he was smart but it never accured to me he was a genius. It all makes sense now.

looking forward to hearing how it went!

I had a similar experience with my DH. It was after DS started doing all sorts of things so early. He was reading, talking in sentences and still wasn't 2. Then one day we went out of town to visit friends. DH's good friend is clearly gifted, and is able to solve the rubix cube quickly behind his back, etc. He can even carry on a conversation and does it quite quickly. So his friend tells me after how it's not that hard to do and started to explain...that's when I kind of zoned a little. But then he said how my DH is extremely gifted and how he could pick up on it easy, and that he should go into computer programming with him etc. I thought maybe he was confused, but DH later confirmed that it was true. Huh, at least it is a gene that is in there, although DS is much more gifted than him I assume.

And the grammar correcting is something my DS does as well. And he corrects my tone/inflection when I am reading to him. And God forbid I skip or miss a word. He has to stop to explain what I messed up on. And for the record I say shur-bert too. ; )

It seemed to go well. He is only going to be going 3 half days since that is all that is affordable and all we think he needs right now. He told me today that some of the kids go every day all day long and that he would like to stay and play with them and it wasn't fair they could stay all day. I actually thought that was a good sign that he liked it that much. He spent pretty much the whole time in Math, but seemed to really enjoy it and they said he did great. So far so good.

Bah! I'm mouthier. That sure doesn't mean I'm smarter. "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." Was that Ben Franklin, I think? Wise words! LOL!

And BTW, I agree with Dottie that many people misjudge their own level of intelligence. One of the reasons I thought DS7 was MG for so long was because I thought I was MG (or less) growing up, and he seemed smarter than I was, but not one of those "college at 10yo" kids, which is what I thought HG+ was.

When I had DS7 tested, my mom handed over my test scores. Oops! I was more GT than I realized...which meant that DS7 was more GT than I realized...which meant that not all HG+ kids go to college at age 10!

Live and learn! Certainly GT denial is alive and well in people about themselves, not just about their kids.

But GT or not, this is a place for all who feel like they belong here. Speak up, please, Tall boys and others! I can't hear you in the back!

This is so timely for me. When DD was young and we could no longer spell things in front of her as a code, DH and I started spelling more obscure words. One day DH and I were talking about how to handle the stranger safety topic when DD walked in (I think she was about 4). DH spelled predator to me. DD said very seriously "yeah, I don't want to be someone's prey". That's the first time I realized that pretty soon DH and DD would be the ones talking and I would have no clue what they were saying.

And when we found out her LOG last spring, several of our friends, even DH himself, assumed it came from him. However, those who work with me or went to college with me all say it comes from both of us. In fact, my mother reminded me that my grade school differentiated for me and did subject acceleration with me.

It's been quite an awakening for me. DH and I realize now that we are both HG+, just in different ways. I'm better at math for example, even though he remembers the formulas and I don't. I have more natural ability there, as does DD.

My reason for sharing so much (I hope not TMI) is that you could be like me. I realize after reading so much about HG+ this past year that I was a perfectionistic underachiever in school and chose social stuff over academia. In other words, I hide my giftedness well, but pull it out when it suits me :-)

Don't just assume it all comes from your husband. My self-confidence has greatly improved!

Right Onnnn, Sister!

Statistically speaking, there should be a nice chunk of parents here who have a greater than 15 point difference between themselves and their kids. I don't even know how to estimate how many parents read these posts on a regular enough basis to chime in, so I don't know if the crowd here matches whatever statistics have been gathered. Can someone set up a link to one of those 'internet survey' places so we can head over there and check our numbers? We could use SAT score and year for those of us who never were tested. BTW, Mensa has some detailed info on how to use your SAT score to estimate your IQ. I don't have that link, but if someone does, please post it.

If I ever write a PhD thesis, I might pick the topic of 'people's self definitions of Gifted' - my DH, for example, is sure he isn't gifted because growing up, his best friend was 'way more brillient' than me. I didn't think I was gifted for many years because of my obvious weakness in spelling and age appropriate handwriting with early enterance peers. Given our tendency to be perfectionistic, it amazes me that any of us are willing to 'identify' as Gifted at all. Sometimes I lead small sessions for people to look back at their experiences in this area. I never know what to call them. Once I asked for women who 'have a relationship to the identity gifted' which made no sense to anyone, but gave the ones who needed to be there enough room to step forward.

Anyway, I wanted to say thanks for bringing this topic us, Shellymos, and I loved reading about how you can relate to qwishy through your love of your son. How beautiful! I don't know if you are gifted or not, but I am willing to bet that a lot of folks overlook their giftedness just because they don't fit the steriotype, and because they are amazingly gifted in the social sphere.

Shrugs and More Shrugs,
Grinity

Grinity,

My IQ was tested 115, more or less as they say. I've always considered myself an oddball, though, in that common conversation bores me...unless I'm with fellow artists or people who read a lot. I'm a deep thinker, love to discuss the world, philosophies, books, meaningful art, etc. Here in "the burbs," that type of conversation is hard to find. I experience some loneliness in the burbs, yet I know there are book clubs I can root out. Too busy writing and working, I suppose. Guess I get that need filled with my theatre. Parenting a Gkid with an IQ of 153 exhausted and stressed me quite often. The intensity, sensitivities (fussiness?) argumentation, insatiability, etc. Once they grow up, we can enjoy them as adults, have mature conversations, and it's a great reward. I love the deep conversations we have.

Well depending on the iq test I've been given.... I am either mentally retarded or a genius...... I wish i was kidding!

It's all relative.... DS7 is really smart, but he still can't tie his own shoe

love this thread and I don't have time right now to read through all of it but I will be back. I just wanted to say a couple of things.

First, someone on another board posted this information and someone tell me if it is urban legend or if there is evidence to back it up. Children get there IQ through the X chromesome and because of this the son gets his intelligence from his mother (so shellymos if that is true you just might be in denial) and the daughter gets her intelligence from both parents.

Second, I never thought myself as gifted until very recently. Yes I tested out of standardized tests when I was a child. If I remember correctly my DM informed me that when I was in elementary school I was testing at college level in specifically math but I never lumped that in to me being gifted. Even today I have come to terms that I am gifted but MG and I know my daughter is smarter than me which thrilled my grandmother to inform me of that when she was a tiny thing just by comparing me as a baby and her as a baby. I think the logic was Ahhh justice for the girl who thinks she knows everything you have a rude awaking coming. She was very wise and knew what I was not willing to see at that point. If she was still alive I am sure I would be getting the I told you so.

Anyway ... I will be back to finish reading the thread and I hope someone can confirm or deny the link to parents on intelligence.

My hand is in the air also. I may be gifted but with my LDs my performance is strictly average DS and DH blow me away in all the hard math and science subjects. I can hold my own in the social sciences

Sorry folks I'm not very good at describing my thoughts in detail. I tend to speak and wright in general terms.

Giftedness is a new door that has just been opened. I am learning as much as I possibly can. Much of my learning has been through this wonderful site.

The reason I don't feel qualified... is this is all new to me. I really don't want to give anyone incorrect or wrong info. I guess it's more of a comfort zone, when I become more comfortable with all of this, my confidence will grow.

I do notice there is always a lot guests on this forum. Why??? Are they also afraid to join in or just curious???

Hi Tall boys,
Well I understand reluctance to jump in on topics until you know more. I typically stick to what I know or ask questions. I remember when the word "gifted" was all new and then read a little about it in a book and learned more. then as time has passed I feel more comfortable, but only in certain areas of course. But you can always ask questions, I have certainly asked my share.

About the guests, I am a registered user but show up as a guest. I don't know quite why, but I guess I feel a little weird about people being able to see when I am on here and exactly what post I am reading. I am not that private, but that still feels strange to me. so guests are registered users, just anonymous.

so if you don't mind me asking, how many kids do you have and what ages?

That's me. I had 4.0 when getting my masters, because it was all things I was interested in and good at. Social work/psychology, math, language arts, and foreign languages have always come easy to me. Science and social studies were another story. Usually I would manage to make B's since I worked my butt off at them.

I have never heard that so can't say for sure. I do have an uncle (my mom's brother) who is PG. He is high up there in the computer field and programming/inventions, etc. I don't quite comprehend what all he does, but I know what he does is important and he has been offerred all sorts of jobs based on his history. My mom may be gifted as well, all her brothers were gifted as well (but only one was PG). One of my brothers is HG. Can it skip a generation? As I have said I am not unintelligent, but I am quite certain I am not technically "gifted". My DD seems pretty bright, but she isn't even 2 yet so it's hard to say. She does not appear HG like her brother, but I have read about and am already observing how different it presents itself in siblings.

I knew it: I am a genius jejejeje !!!!

Yeah, I can solve Rubik's cube in just a few minutes (much less than 5, I have not tried for speed in a loooong time). I even invented a few movements when I was 15ish.
I can talk too and look away while I do it.

Sorry, I could not resist the brag

You rock, Isa!

Brag on, girlfriend! That's so cool!

I do think that is really cool Isa! I would feel pretty good if I were able to solve it.

When DS was not quite 4 he was very interested in Rubik's cube, and we knew DH's friend could solve it...so DS brought his cube (which used to belong to DH as a kid) to the friend to solve. DH's friend kept trying and couldn't figure out how he couldn't get it. It turns out it had been tampered with from DH when he was a kid. He must have either moved the stickers or taken it apart and put it back together. So DS didn't get to see it solved. Not that he really cared, he was onto something else new a minute later.

There's a pattern to solving the Rubix cube, right? A series of steps that, if repeated, solve it? I thought I heard that somewhere.

Anyway, Isa, that's wicked-cool. Rock on, girl.

I hear it is algorithms. I did pay attention to that part ; )

yes that right. First you have to do the white face, then the next row and then the last row and yellow face. The initial solutions where given to me - I hope I do not disappoint you too much - but then (brag again) I learn them very quickly and I ended up inventing a few extra solutions myself.
The funny thing is that I tried to teach the solutions to every body and I did not understand why everybody had so much difficulties with it. After all, both my sister and I have mastered in no time, and our instructions were limited because they were given to us by people who did not speak Spanish (and our English then was extremely limited).

End of brag

A friend of mine also have heard of this, but she could not give me any reference to it. Only that she heard it 'somewhere'.

On the other hand, my sister (biologist) told me that pretty much all the genetic information comes in the X chromosome. Most of the information contained in the Y one is redundant... I can ask her again for more specific information

If I am gifted at all it is certainly not in the way my son and his dad are gifted so I am sure he didn't get it from me although it would be nice to think he got something more from me than hypersensitivity and anxiety. They are both verbally gifted and I am not. My son reminds me of his dad in his gift of gab and the ability to make up jokes to go along with any situation. A few days ago someone told my husband that they really enjoyed his classes and that he should think about becoming a professional speaker when he retires from his current job. Because he is so much like his dad in this way I can easily see my son as a college professor some day. Some of my son's older friends have said the same thing.

That sounds so much like my son at that age.

I've never thought if myself as "gifted" either - bright, yes - gifted, no. Not sure where DD4 got it, as even my own parents admit I wasn't as smart as she is.....the other night, she was dictating a story (which she often does as the mood strikes her) to me about a couple who left some bread in the oven too long and burned the house down. She was using phrases like, "As the fire died down, their crying did too," and my dad (who happened to be visiting from out of state) looked at me and said, "You were smart, but not THAT smart...."

]

I just read an article about tracking down the genes for intelligece. Scientists are having a difficult time of it. No one has identified even one definite one yet. Even something as simple as height is influenced by many different genes on many different chromosomes. Imagine how much more complicated intelligence must be!

Believe me, I'm ready to bring my son's school a cheek swab, have them look under a microscope at his DNA and then give him a set of books and assign him classes at his readiness level, but I'm not holding my breath. Worse yet, human beings are so vulnerable to 'seeing what they already believe is true' even in science, that I'll bet you ten dollars that even if such a system were developed it would be carried out in such a way that was racist and discriminated against poor people. We really have to win the battle for the hearts and minds of our neighbors and not wait for science to come to the rescue.

Smiles,
Grinity

amen.

The moment someone lists a class of people to blame or a class of people to advocate for, I get very skeptical. The "Rich", the "poor", the "mexicans", the "whites", the "blacks", the "CEOs", the "arabs" - its all the same Rhetoric to me whether its for or against. One is used a stalking horse and the other as the whipping boy.

The fact that many people accept classifications ( social or intrinsic - "genetics" ) as a way to discuss individuals is has always been shocking to me. I suppose its because I find life stories so fascinating and see people as having many different qualities - that I see people as the events of their lives and not as their faces they present to the world. I literally do not care who someone is socially.

I'd make a good dog.

You can have a very alert baby who grows up to be a psychopath while the normal kid has "gifted" parents who provide a good upbringing and teach her how to work hard and she becomes very successful.

I think a lot about two little kids who were recently adopted from a horrible situation. They were literally animals when it started and now they are amazing little kids. I've fostered kids from some horrible families and after a few months, they hit their stride.

Its part genetics, but nurture is so much more powerful. Intelligence is not that important - what is that kids get the help they need and the opportunity to develop at their own pace while learning discipline and respect for others.

In this respect, non-HG parents may do a better job that those parents focused on "how smart Johnny is."

Good point. I am a social worker and am all about values and social skills, and all that good touchy feely stuff. I feel like my DS4 has a good shot in some ways because that is my emphasis. He is an amazing caring kid (not that I am biased) but clearly his focus is more academic. I would not change my DS for anything, but if you asked me what my goals for him are I would say that I want a caring, loving son that has values and respect for others. Education is important to me, but if he didn't want to go to college and he was happy I would be fine with that. Anyhow, sometimes I feel a little odd because I am so different from him, but I can still keep up pretty well. When he is 8 I may struggle a bit but I have a few years.

Intelligence by itself without the other values and qualities is useless. That is why it drives me nuts that classrooms focus all on academics and not character building and all that. I know that kids should be getting it home, but they often don't. I go into pre-k's and K's in the inner-city schools and teach about feelings, and what to do when we feel certain ways, and how to show others you care. It is great. Hopefully if we can start early enough we can see some changes...but that is another post entirely. I digress....