Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy I need help- Agression issues?

MON,
Your post really hit home for me. DD4.5 has shown some bullying behaviors this year in pre-school. Writing an apology note and giving it to the children she was unkind to seemed to help all involved.
She did not display this behavior at preschool last year when she was part of the younger group. This bullying behavior makes me think she'd be better off with a grade skip next year. Being younger seems to keep some of the bullying behavior in check and she shows more of her sensitive side. Has anyone else found this to be the case?
I'm going to use some of your suggestions at the end of your post for our family. Thank you for sharing them.

I also read The Explosive Child that Artana recommended. I found the beginning part very helpful about how the mind works (or doesn't) leading up to and in the midst of a temper explosion. It also scared me straight about how this can ruin lives if it's not addressed properly. I don't remember that book addressing any gifted behaviors and I think the Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis book by Webb et. al is important to read with it. Like ADD, some gifted children have ODD, but some have behaviors that are due to giftedness that can be confused with ODD. It's important to understand the difference.

Crisc, so sorry you are all going through this turmoil!

I went hunting for a NY Times article published about 3 years ago whereby the issue of aggression in children was explained. In the article, which I cannot now find, darn it, aggressiveness was said to be a normal part of development, especially a child "trying out" the role of domination over someone else.

However, as I was doing my hunting through NY Times articles, I read a few other interesting tidbits. One, which applies to bullies, which I believe is NOT the case for your DS, points to communication issues with parents. Specifically, this article, published in 1988 (I know, ancient), said bullies' parents used physical touch for discipline only. Physical touch for affection and praise, plus lots of verbal praise and affection, were not present in a bully's life. Again - not your DS's situation but I mention it in case extra doses of cuddling and verbal praise might possibly help.

Another article, published in 1989, outlined aggression in otherwise docile children. It says the aggression is misplaced frustration. Here's the link to that one:

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpa...p=6&sq=aggressive%20child&st=cse

I know you didn't ask for old research, but I thought I'd post this anyway. I'm sorry I couldn't find that article I went looking for!

All the best ~ Mary

Thanks everyone for the continued responses and suggestions.

Today I received another negative e-mail from the teacher. DS6 can no longer control himself during lunch, music, and gym. He also is frequently sent from class for refusing to do what everyone else is doing.

I am thinking that I am going to end up losing my career. My oly logical solution right now is to quit my job. I feel so helpless. It's really hard because DH is thinking I am overacting but I can't stand by and watch DS6 struggle and become more and more obviously depressed.

Thanks for listening.

Have you tried contacting a psychologist who specializes in gifted children yet? A psychologist may at least be able to help sort out if you're overreacting or if your husband is under reacting to the situation.

http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/psychologists.htm

DS6's counselor has not said very much to me. She mostly talks with him and then makes suggestions on various behavior. They have done some role playing. When he is with the counselor there are obviously no behavior issues because those seem to appear only around other children or in school situations.

Crisc, I'm so sorry! Is this the kind of board where we can give hugs? (((hugs)))

I just wanted to say that, before quitting entirely, you may be able to use Family Medical Leave Act for an extended leave of absense and use of sick pay (if you have that separate from vacation pay).

Thanks seablue--
I was actually already trying to do the math in my head on how far vacation time and family medical leave would get me... DH thinks I am overreacting so I am willing to discuss it with him. No letter of resignation drafted yet.

Oh, definite {{{hugs}}}!

Maybe it's time for you to make an appointment with the counselor. Clearly something more must be done, and you need the support. It doesn't sound like the counseling is doing your DS enough good as it stands.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you!

Crics, I'm sorry I know how much you like your work. I hope you will find a working solution. I can see why you want to pull him out.

Is there any other school option? Could he go back to the Montessori you had lined up back in September? Could you work on p/t schedule and use babysitters for the rest?