Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Why do our kids deserve a real education?

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"Fair isn't everyone getting the same, it's everyone getting what THEY need"

I don't know who said that.

If you ask, and someone else doesn't, is it really unfair if your child gets accomodated?

I'm not really sure that I get where you are going, MON, but I'll give you my answer:

You are the one who knows her best and loves her best and have seen other gifted kids grow up with bad outcomes that perhaps are due to long years of enforced underachievement. That is who you are. You aren't taking anything away from any other child to insist that the myth that gifted children can take care of themselves is a myth.

I'm hoping that when my hands-on parenting years are over I can go back for the kids who's parents aren't looking out for them, but for now, my family is my first priority. I'm hoping that the school folks who have come to know us will be better advocates in the future. I'm hoping that by sharing what I've tried and learned I can make a difference to your family.

I give out this website to 'questioning parents' quite frequently.

Steven Covey, in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People talks about concentrating on one's 'sphere on influence' and that if we do a good job there, the sphere will grow. I hope that's true.

Smiles,
Grinity

Would it make things 'fair' if you would/could not get as much education possible for your child? Are you denying another child an appropriate education by advocating to get an appropriate education for your child?

Do the best you can for your child. Do what you can for other children. It's not "all good", but you have to make the best of things you can.

I think maybe I know what you're getting at. Are you feeling guilt for having so much already when so many others have so little? And then even more guilt for asking for even more??!! I know I've felt this and I don't think this is just an education issue but an issue for every aspect of our lives.

I've been thinking about this in more global terms myself lately. I feel horrible for those suffering in other parts of the world but don't know what to do about it. I read something recently though that talked about doing what you can for people within your sphere of influence. That has helped me tremendously. I've been trying to do more for local charities and local things that I know need help. I can't fix the world's bigger problems, but I can do what I can do to help people I come in contact with.

As far as the education problem goes, the others are right. It isn't going to help anyone else by your not getting what your child needs. Kind of like cleaning your plate to help those starving in China. That doesn't help anyone in China, it just makes you fat! Maybe try volunteering at your child's school and help those kids who need extra help. You could tutor or just help out a bit during the day. That way you can do what you CAN do and then maybe you won't feel so bad about things you can't fix. I know it helps me to try to give back where I can.

If I'm totally off here, sorry!!!!

I've been reading "From Innocence to Entitlement: A Love and Logic Cure for the Tragedy of Entitlement" and trying to figure out what separates an entitled parent from a parent who is advocating for the needs of their child. It came up again when I read the Davidson Advocacy Guidelines Dottie posted in the Advocacy Tips for Teacher Meeting Thread. One of the recommendations is "avoid feelings of entitlement."

The analogy of cleaning your plate to help starving kids in China is a good one! The sphere of influence idea helps too.
Thanks

Dear master of none,

I know what you mean, too, and I think there have been some good suggestions here already. I have a couple of thoughts to add; feel free to ignore them if they don't speak to your situation.

I don't think there's anything wrong at all in advocating for your daughter; for one thing, you can't see the future--perhaps she will become a woman who is a real force for good in the world--maybe her "real education" will prepare her to do some good work that nobody else can do. Goodness knows the world's problems need some smart people working on them! I really believe that we all have a job to do in life; yours right now is being the best mother for her that you can be, and that's what you're doing.

I also think that part of her education can be having her think about our good fortune relative to the rest of the world, in terms that she can handle according to her age and sensitivity. Obviously you don't want to overwhelm her with misery, but perhaps you could help her find ways herself to make the world better a little bit at a time, even as a child. The boys write to our foster children in Senegal and Zimbabwe, they help me with charity craft projects for organisations like Save the Children and Afghans for Afghans, they help out with volunteer work that I do in our local community--it's important to us that they see that even though they are little, they can be part of a solution, too.

Another bee in my bonnet--possibly in no one else's, but who knows--is thinking about food. I agree with EandC Mom that one can't mail one's leftover Brussels sprouts to China, but I do think that one can teach one's children at least to be mindful of where their food comes from, and of how lucky we are to have enough of it. One way in which we try to encourage that mindfulness is to grow some of our own food; if this idea appeals to you, maybe you and she could grow a little vegetable garden together next year? We are lucky and have a lot of space; we always plant a few extra rows so that some of our effort in the garden goes toward growing food that we can give away.

One last thought, and I will get off my soapbox: we try very hard to make choices about purchases--toys and clothing, for instance, and ethical meat--that take into account the human and environmental costs of their production. We have explained these choices to the kids in terms appropriate to their age and level of understanding; I hope that it won't seem too political to say that we want them (when they are older) to understand that there are some senses in which the abundance we enjoy in the West has come at the expense of others, and to think about ways in which we can stop perpetuating that situation.

I do think there are things you can do to change the world without having to feel guilty about where you're sending her to school. In our family, at least, helping the kids find those things certainly constitutes part of their education.

That's all from out here in hippieville for now--hope that helps a little bit--

peace
minnie

Well, I believe in cleaning up my own messes and leaving a place better than I found it. If I had the means and opportunity to make schools better than they are--schools in my neighborhood or in the poorest slum in Asia--I'd do it. But if I don't take care of my own backyard, who will?

It has to start here. My kids are my first priority because no one else has any responsibility to them but me. They're my "backyard" to take care of.

If I may be bold here...I think guilt is nearly always a wasted emotion, especially guilt over the circumstances of one's birth. It's no better than feeling superior about the circumstances of one's birth. You had nothing to do with it, so let it go.

If you feel guilty over your *actions*, then fix what you're doing wrong. There, guilt is the impetus for positive change. But if you're feeling guilty over something you can't change, like how fortunate you are, then I say (kindly, but firmly ) either get over it or use that feeling to spur you to do something to improve life for others.

But I feel very strongly that guilt without action is a waste of time and emotional energy. It's selfish, really. You're not helping anyone. You're just paralyzing yourself as you contemplate your own navel.

(BTW, that's you in the generic sense, not "you" as an attack, MON. )

And really, what's the use in that?

I think you don't want to go into negotiations with the school carrying a chip on your shoulder. I think that's good advice. But I also think that you *have* to feel that your child is entitled to a real education. Otherwise, what's the point?

You're a nice person, MON. I'm glad to know you. I'm glad you're so caring and kind.

Now get over it. <tongue planted firmly in cheek>

This forum is helping sooooooo many kids in so many ways.
Everyone writing anything that reaches out and makes a mom or dad or a child feel even a tiny bit better about options, the future, the next five minutes, is really important.

We (humankind) need your kids and my kids to be their very very best. To reach their potential as artists, scientists, mathematicians, teachers, engineers, astronauts, moms and dads.

LOVE the ideas here! Great idea about being mindful of where your food comes from and maybe growing your own, and Dottie is completely right about the budget issues. We do all have to work hard to find cost effective solutions for all of our educational issues. I love the idea of keeping "lean"! LOL!!!!!