Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need support - Devastated- Ramble alert!

Warning - this is long and at times incoherent. I am sure many of you have felt this way at one time or another.

For those of you reading my posts this past week, you know how excited we were to have our son who is almost 5 in a private, gifted school. We were sold on the school that said all the right things and were supportive of their suggestion to assess our son to decide if the proper placement was 1st or 2nd grade. We have had or son tested both on the WPPSI II and the WJ and WIAT II achievement tests. He scored extremely high in all of them. We agreed to have him assessed by the 2nd grade teacher today. The school made a special point of telling me they don't test but assess.

The problems started last night with new parent orientation. This orientation, for students and parents, was to begin at 7:00 p.m. It actually began closer to 7;30 and for 45 minutes we were all tormented with an extremely boring presentation about proper uniforms, car stickers, drop off times and lunch. I can assure you everyone was bored, including my 4 year old. It was after 8:00 by this point.
The presentation was finally over and we got to "explore" the school. One of our first stops was the 2nd grade classroom and the teacher who was to assess him today. When our son entered this classroom it was if his head would explode from excitement. He has never been in a formal classroom; his only frame of reference was pre-k. And as he whirled around the room he squealed with delight at all the things he has learned. There were antonyms on he wall, the water cycle and the food chain. He was "amazed" to see a chart describing an ant's life cycle and started debating whether pupae was singular or plural. You get the picture. Sheer enjoyment. It was truly heaven for his father and me to watch. Then we went down to the 1st grade room with his assigned teacher. There was clearly a problem from the beginning. It doesn't surprise us her room was devoid of any personality, so was she. And she clearly had an issue with our son getting tested for 2nd. The clincher for us was this comment - when our son said he loved science she asked him if he knew what science was. He said he didn't know and she tells him, not what it is but that is what you will be learning in 1st grade. How many of you could come up with a good definition of science? Moments later he recovered and said, well, I know it is about how the body works, the bones, blood and cells and nature. A pretty good answer if you ask me.

We left with an ominous feeling that perhaps the assessment today was only an exercise and that this teacher had made up her mind.

But we still came hopeful for some honest input into whether our son would fit with the 2nd grade. It was already clear from his off the chart scores on the WIAT last week that his core reading and math skills were way above 2nd grade. I figured she would assess him on his compatibility overall.

The assessment was to last one hour. It lasted 1.5 hours.
Then we were called into a conference room with the principal and the 1st and 2nd grade teacher to get the results.
The results were of a written exam that was given to our son. There was no verbal assessment. They started out that this is what 2nd graders should know and he got 45 out of 90 correct. They then went on to criticize that he didn't know how to draw the arrows in a clock (he tells time great, we never used a clock drawing), that he doesn't know money(which he has been comfortable with for over a year) because he didn't know what a circle with d,q, n etc was. He has always dealt with real money. I especially liked the one where he couldn't get the fact triangle. Since he has never been exposed to that expression, it seems unrealistic that he would know how to answer the question. They also criticized his measurement abilities. They took issue that he didn't know which line to measure. (when he read the question it said how many inches is the line) but there were two lines, the one to measure and the line to mark your answer in.

My husband and I took great offense to this clear display of trying to diminish our son's abilities to dissuade us on placement. I would have a lot more respect if they said they just wouldn't consider a jump this far. The one thing they complimented on was his vocabulary tested at a 5th grade level, but then chimed in that it was ONLY site words though. And, the favorite handwriting criticism. Oh, he made his letter beautifully but he didn't make spaces between the words. They gave him no more than 3 inch space to write an entire sentence.
MY absolute favorite criticism was the one where the principal observed him the night before at the boring assembly. She said they she determined he only had an attention span of 10 minutes, which is inline with a 6 year old (and my husband's). She gave him nothing for the fact that it was 8:00 pm. at night, that it was an adult presentation or that we were ALL bored.

When I started to protest that I didn't feel this assessment was accurate and it was more of the test she promised she wouldn't do, they got defensive. Surprise, surprise. The principal then stood up and told us that we didn't have confidence in her and her educators because we were questioning them the meeting was over. She would be returning our check!

Whew, what a shock. My head is still whirling. We went on to smooth things out and ultimately we agreed that she would review the test result and call us tonight with their final recommendation.
When she called to recommend 1st with a pull-out for reading for now, we respectfully took her option to withdraw from the school.

Our son told us he was not disappointed that he would not go to this school. In his own unprompted words he said that the school was unfair. When we probed more he said that he didn't understand some questions and when he asked the teacher to explain, she told him to skip it!

So, here we were 48 hours ago feeling so fortunate to have an ideal situation for our child. Now, we find ourselves facing the same kind of opposition and negativity so many of you have identified. We will not allow our child into an environment that won't support his unique talents but most importantly one that discourages him or finds unwarranted criticism. I am all for criticism when it teaches.

So, as of tomorrow it is home schooling. This is a major life adjustment for us since we both work full-time at our careers. We just don't see a choice.
I am so upset and so angry.

Wow, that is so disappointing, but I am sorry to say that I'm not surprised. Many private schools avoid accepting students who require any kind of special treatment.

It is probably for the best that you found out early that the teachers were not supportive of your son.

We found out the hard way last year when we had DS enrolled early in a private K. The K teacher said she was willing, but actually she didn't really want to do it. What happened was that she consistently excluded him from activities by telling him that he "wasn't really in Kindergarten because he wasn't five years old". He thought he wasn't allowed to use the computer in the classroom because he "wasn't really in Kindergarten."

When he didn't know how to do something, instead of teaching him she would tell him it was "too hard" and that he should skip it. So either he knew how to do something already or it was "too hard". He also learned that he could get out of doing any work by saying it was "too hard." I could just strangle her when I think about it! Be glad that your son avoided this kind of treatment.

I don't remember what state you live in, but here in CA there is the option to enroll in cyberschool (California Virtual Academy). This looks like a great way to get started homeschooling and offers placement options based on a placement test. There may be something like that available to you. I think K12 offers an online program as well.

Cathy

Hi Zia's mom:

I am so sorry that the private school placement did not work out. I agree with Cathy that you are so lucky you discovered their real attitude before your son had to spend any time there. Most of us have only realized problems after school got started.

If I recall correctly, your husband's employer was going to foot the tuition bill. Will your husband's employer cover homeschooling expenses?

I love this forum.
Thank you both for a much more coherent post than I was able to muster. I am exhausted, from an hour-long conversation with my mother-in-law, a life long public school educator about how horrible homeschooling would be.

We feel exactly as you pointed out. Very fortunate that before we got invested we learned the truth. Now, what to do with the $300 of Lands End clothing I had to buy???

That wasn't us about the employer paying tuition. Too bad.

Hi Zia's Mom,
I am so sorry that they sucked you in and left you dry - why do people do this? But I am pleased that the damage was so limited. Cathy ((tears)) I'm just sitting her crying over your story. IF only your story was unique! In fact you also probably consider yourself lucky to have been "pushed out" before more damage was done. Not to discount the wonderful teachers, I have been privaleged to have a few in our lives, but even some good teachers are not good for some of our kids.

I know that if you are thinking about the lands end clothing, you are feeling better, which makes me smile. My understanding is that Lands End clothing is returnable in general. If the logo is a problem, then you may be able to sell them on Craig's List. The other alternative is the make your own logo for your homeschool and sew it over the original logo. I've heard that some kids who homeschool really like the uniform look, particularly when they are "out and about" during school hours on field trips, a uniform deflects a lot of ignorant comments and makes some children feel more legitimate.

welcome to the world of homeschooling!
Big Smiles,
Trinity

Zia�s mom,

So sorry for all the drama! We had a similar experience with the public school. Our daughter completed K early at private school where she had a wonderful teacher and did extremely well academically and socially. The public school would not enroll her for 1st grade because she missed the cutoff by six weeks. After a dozen or so phone calls, they agreed to access her for 1st. It was a predetermined sham meant to pacify me. The only thing they could point to after two hours, was that she started two letters of the alphabet from the bottom rather than the top! That�s it! After two and a half years, we placed her back to her proper placement with the private school. Idiots.

I think you can return Land�s End merchandise to Sears.

I don�t have any home school advice. Do you believe in blessings in disguise? The lower grades are particularly difficult for gifted children, especially if the teacher is just average. Maybe it is best that he won�t have to endure it.

This is only too true. The teacher who mistreated my son was a wonderful teacher to my daughter when she was in Kindergarten two years earlier. I had no idea things could go so wrong!

Cathy

Try not to get into debates with her right now (if it can be avoided...) I'm sure she feels a little defensive of her profession and truly there are great teachers out there. It's just that for now, homeschooling looks like the best option for your son. If she is concerned, remind her that no decision is set in stone. You can try homeschooling for a while and maybe other options will present themselves in the future.

Cathy

OH NO!!! Lots of Hugs to you and your family.

I an certainly relate. My son was in a private Montessori school for 2 years and his grades and productivity kept getting lower and lower. We had constant interaction with his teacher (the owner of the school) and she was fussing because he wasn't neat and organized. She kept wanting us to take him to a urologist because he went to the bathroom too many times a day. (Uhmm...since it didn't happen anywhere else but at school, we sort of figured out that it was a way to get out of his seat...) She actually wrote in his final report that we didn't follow up on medical issues and that he had a bladder problem.

Bottom line is that when I dropped him off at school a day early in May, she went off on him. Yelled and told him he was the only child that ever caused problems, that he was the cause of her high blood pressure and poor health. Since it was too close to the end of term to switch his school, we had to live with that horrendous situation for about a month. We limited his hours there to the state minimum and got DS in counceling. The results of that are that he was clinically diagnosed with emotional trauma similar to that of emotionally and verbally abused children.

DS was in this school for 2 years on the advice of the testing psychiatirst since it was supposed to have a great individualized education program. DH and I learned individualized doesn't mean suited to the child. It means whatever the school wants to do if you don't go through the IEP process.

Thankfully, you found out before your son had to spend any more time in that environment! I am also considering home schooling depending on the accomodations that can be worked out with our local school district. I am getting more and more pessimistic as the school date get closer (Aug 27.

And of course, even if you do go through the IEP process...sometimes the plan is followed and sometimes it is ignored...

I don't want to be so pessimistic, because sometimes things work well for all involved - let's just they that there exists a great variety of situations and of people who are in those situations. The personality of the child and the involved adults makes a great deal of difference.

Elh0706, I am so sorry that this happened to your son. Good for you for recognising and reacting appropriatly to the situation. My son also has the ability to "get under a teacher's skin." At the end of second grade, when I saw my son's teacher by chance, a good person who I really liked and feel meant well in spite of the really terrible situation she created for my son, as I listened to her speak with such bitterness about my son, I hear the voice in my head say: "She'll feel better once the divorce is finalized." My inner head whipped around to hear what my inner voice had said, and I realized that the teacher sounded like nothing so much as a woman caught up in the bitterness of the final stage of a bad divorce.

I truly had expected that some day my son would grow up and break a few hearts, and inspire vehament frustration in a few young ladies - I just didn't expect it to happen in 2nd grade.

Luckily the very same school gave him his best teacher ever in 3rd grade, and with no suggestions from me at all, she steadily undid much of the damage.

((shrug)) and more ((shrug))
Trinity