Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Legality of keeping child home from public school

Hello all...

I've got a brewing crisis on my hands. I've been trying to get my ds6 evaluated so we have leverage with the school since AUGUST, it's taking SO LONG to do I want to scream. And my son is decompensating. He's gone from unhappy and upset to telling me he can't handle it any more, and I've seen that it's a genuine anguish when he's telling me that but then he'd go on to other things and feel better, but tonight he just melted down. And for the first time I thought, he may really not be able to handle it. He says he's so worried and scared about school that he feels sick. He can't describe what feels sick or wrong, he just feels sick. He's scared he's getting in trouble for trying to work ahead (he is), he's worried that he can't handle it even one more day.

My instinct - which I'm pretty sure my dh is not going to share - is to pull him at least for a few days to let the situation settle a bit. I think it was provoked tonight by his dad finally teaching him fractions, so he got to do all this fun mental math, adding fifths to halves and 3rds to quarters and all that sort of thing, and then had to get ready for bed and school tomorrow.

We're in the midst of this eval, and the psychologist strongly wants us not to talk about results until she's done all the different kinds of tests, including the classroom eval the school is stonewalling on. And she strongly strongly urges we not say 'gifted' or demand any kind of change until we have her eval. My hands are so tied for like a month or more, and I can't take it, b/c my son can't.

So I'm wanting to know, if I keep him home to buy him some psychological relief - I mean, I think the kid may be literally starting to have anxiety attacks - do I run up on truancy laws? (I know state matters...I'm in CT) But I have no idea what the consequences might be. Does it wreck his school record? Does this matter in first grade? Do I tell the school why? Would they call social services on me or do I have the right to keep my kid home? Would that make them think he was mentally ill or something?

If any of you have done something similar as well, I'd like to know. It would feel like jumping off a cliff without a rope to keep him home not knowing how or when to send him back! I kind of want to keep him and tell the school he's being seriously harmed by the situation and he won't be coming back until there are enough changes that he can handle being there, but that sounds so aggressive. How unreasonable would that be? Given that the first-order things he'd need changed would be to be allowed to start working on worksheets without waiting for instruction, to be allowed to work ahead at least on his own materials, to be allowed to check out books from a higher grade in the library, and to read them in his free time. Currently his teacher 'forbids' all these things b/c he is 'spoiling things' by trying to do this work.

any advice would be most gratefully received!

I am sorry to hear that things are getting worse. I would pull him out for at least a few days. You can always say that he is sick, you don't have to add that he is sick of school Research the subject in the meantime, but chances are you may run into problems with the CT law.

You may want to approach the school as a parent who is seriously worried about your child emotional well being. That may work better than saying, "My son is gifted what will you do about it?" Unfortunately there are children who get anxious or depressed due to a bad school placement

oh, I so feel for you! I'm in Washington State and so can't speak to the CT law, as the emotional pain, it sounds VERY FAMILIAR. Our son was 8, in 2nd grade, and also said he just couldn't do it anymore.

Our solution was pretty radical - there is an alternative public school 25 miles from us which is set up to provide "enrichment" courses for homeschooling families. We pulled him from 2nd grade that very week and haven't gone back.

There ARE no gifted programs in our school district, so we didn't bang our head too much because of that.

DO WHAT FEELS BEST FOR YOUR SON! I know you know that but I want to add my total support for this. Our son was literally twitching and chewing on himself and when we listened to him it was incredibly important for his self-concept. It took a few months actually, but then he was back to his sunny, eager self.

You are the best mom for your son and I wish you all all all the best. It's heartbreaking seeing your child in mental anguish.

YES to the "he's home sick" suggestion. Sounds like he really needs a break

It is perfectly legal to keep your child home from school if he or she needs a break. I think you just need to write a note or make a call, right?

If you decide to keep him home long-term, the only thing you need to do in CT is write a letter of withdrawal to your school's principal (sent return receipt requested). You don't need permission. You don't need to give a reason.

Chin up!

Kate

Yes, by all means keep him home! If he is feeling psychologically unwell, then he is unwell! (although if the one piece he is missing is the classroom observation I imagine keeping him home will delay results even more.)

If you decide to give up on the schools evaluator, I will also recommend the Yale Child Study Center in CT - I was shocked at how fast we were able to get testing done for our daughter - but I will warn you that it costs an absolute fortune.

Definitely you can call in sick! If you want to keep him home more than a couple of days, though, I think you're going to have to deal with the problem sooner rather than later. I can't imagine waiting a month under those circumstances!

Have you told the psych how bad off your son is? I can't believe she'd want you to wait given what you just told us!

Are you considering homeschooling or are you just looking for a break for him? Homeschooling you can do. Taking him out of school for a month without declaring yourselves homeschoolers is probably going to be a lot more tricky. You would be breaking the law, and if he's out a month, they would investigate, I'd imagine...

I guess I'd recommend giving your DS a mental health day or two and using that time to figure out what you want to do. But it's clear to me that you cannot wait a whole month before you start advocating. This is not a minor issue, it's an urgent problem that needs immediate attention. Honestly, if you're at this point:


then I think you have to start advocating now. Today. And pretty strongly. I wouldn't recommend going in with what you wrote there, but it does say to me that he needs changes, and you have to ask for them NOW!

I know it's hard, but try to follow the psych's advice. She may be guiding you this way because she has had dealings with the school before in terms of gifted children?

Depending on the school district, there can be a lot of politics.

I agree about keeping him home a few days or so, and yes, I don't think there is any reason you can't say he is sick.

I would call your state rep's office or over to the state board of ed and find out all the pertinent facts.

I found out all kinds of great stuff for our state. Like, a child can't even be considered truant here until they are seven! If you lived by me you could take him out as many days as you like and that's that. You might get a bad mommy letter, but realistically, they can't do anything about it.

You really do need to start researching. While it IS true, kids/families can get "blacklisted", I've rarely seen it happen. Please do not let fear of retaliation prevent you from making the desicions you need to make for DS.

Do, play nice, though. If things get really bad, call the psych and let her know what's going on. Perhaps she can speed up the process with the school eval/visit.

Hang in there.

Yeah, I'd be pushing for speed from the psych.

And checking the law is smart. If he doesn't have to be there, then you CAN take him out. Good call, 'Neato!

I shouldn't tell y'all this, but I will.

Once I took both girls out of school for a "mental health" day. I left the reason as "going out of town". So I made sure that I took them to the grocery store............in the next town!

Kriston, I think I told you that one already.

Neato, u are right abt politics!

When the sch psych first knew and confirmed DS8's "gifts", he was so excited. He had plans for DS and advocating for him. After awhile (> a month) , it seemed like nothing was going on... totally no news. I dropped him a casual email and we met up. This time, he told me the truth. The reaction he got from pple he has talked to (P, homeroom teacher, middle and high sch teachers- to get ideas) was less than enthusiastic. Some even concluded that I must be hot-housing DS!

I am not sure abt what's avail in the States. I am sure you will get your support and advise here.

Oh I remember when DS8 then 7 had a breakdown like that. He was standing in the doorway on his way to the bus stop. THere was just no way I could send him to school in that condition so I called him in sick ... mentally ill or physically ill, no difference. I thought for sure I was done for as he'd never want to go back to school but that wasn't the case. I think my letting him stay home let him know that I was listening. I told him we'd seek help of a psychologist to help us figure things out and that seemed to be enough.

You might tell your son that the psych is working on the report etc, after giving him a few days break, and see if he can hang in there. There is nothing wrong w/ taking your son out for a few days. His mental health is waaayyyyyy more important.

Poor Montana, poor little boy--I'm so very sorry he's in so much pain (and of course so are you, seeing him so sad).

I don't have much to offer but good thoughts--but I do wonder if possibly your pediatrician might help? I'm just thinking that sometimes it is nice to have an "authority" figure on your side (as in being able to say to the school if they call, "yes, he's not been feeling well, and our pediatrician agreed that he needed a few days of complete rest," or some such thing).

take good care--
minnie

You can contact Deborah Stevenson at NHELD for legal advice. She's a lawyer based in CT who represents homeschooling families.
http://www.nheld.com/

What I'd do, in this order:
Keep DS home a couple days, and encourage him to hang in there through Christmas. He'll have extra time off for Thanksgiving. He'll have about 3 weeks in December before Christmas break, and he'll have fun things like Christmas parties & usually a program during those 3 weeks.
Call the psychologist and try to speed things up. You want to get action before Christmas! Our school requires 90 days advance request before accelerating a child.
If you keep DS home a few days, then send him back while you wait on the psychologist, I would not tell the school anything other than DS didn't feel well. If the dr has a plan, then you can tell the school why DS didn't feel well.

thank you, everyone. I showed this thread to my dh in the middle of the night, which I think helped dh feel validated in the 'this is a serious problem' kind of way. (my dh and I are both mediators, which makes it hard b/c someone has to take the 'I am the position to be mediated FROM' role, and neither of us wants to).

In the end we kept ds home today and called him in sick, and are trying to think what to do now. He was still pretty upset this morning, bags under his eyes, weepy, etc. I've tried to be a combo of 'this isn't something you can do any time you don't feel like being in school and no you may not spend the day watching Little Bear episodes on Youtube' and telling him that this happens sometimes, and that I absolutely promise he will not spend his life feeling this way. I tried to find a fun spelling game online and kind of failed, but we did a little of that, and then I had him read The Whipping Boy, and he was So Scared to do that- it's clear that he has NO experience with not being sure he knows every word on a page and it completely freaked him out to just start reading! He cried a bit and begged to read silently instead, to do something easier, etc. I (gently, I hope) had him read the first chapter to me so I could see if he was getting it, and we talked it through. He learned a few words, and how to think about figuring out what's happening. Once he relaxed, he did great. And we talked about how that's how kids in his class feel when they have to read the books in school, and how it doesn't feel good, does it, and that they are brave to keep trying. I hope that helped with the intolerance with the slower learners thing in class.

And I also encouraged him lots and praised him for getting through the older kid chapter, even though he was scared, and how well he did, and he perked up amazingly and ended up wanting to go through and read 4 chapters to me, seemed to really like that, got excited about learning new words, dragged out a dictionary and started reading that...my poor kid has an atrophied 'try' muscle. I felt like I was seeing him start to flex it for the first time in a while.

Now I've sent him up for a bath to relax and float paper boats while I try to figure out what I'm going to do. I've learned that CT you can have 4 unexcused absences/month without getting in trouble, and I suspect that, having enrolled him, we don't get the under-7 escape clause. He's turning 7 next week anyway, come to think of it. At any rate, that buys some time, and making Christmas a turning point is probably a good idea.

I'm so uncertain what to do, who to say what to. Like, call the guidance counselor? The principal? email the teacher about her mistaking ds's motivations pretty badly? I just don't know.


If you have time, any of you, what then DO you recommend I say, if I don't say he needs these things at LEAST, to start with. (the harder books, the ability to work ahead quietly or to work on his own more advanced material). How, too, do we talk about whether he should have a different teacher who doesn't consider someone doing these things 'spoiling' her classes? I don't even know how to open the conversation - I don't know how to say my son's way of learning and her way of teaching seem to really clash, in a way that's hurting him. I don't know how to say, I think she doesn't like him and that's not making a good environment for him - or her - at all. My dh and I are working on letter drafts, but right now they're not asking for anything, they're just describing a problem, b/c we don't know how to start asking, in what order, of who, etc. And I don't know whether to write and say, our son is home b/c he's physically ill b/c he's so upset and worried about getting in trouble in school for trying to do work that challenges him.

Basically, with the psychologist...we have the IQ testing, we have the achievement testing, we have some social maturity testing, some rorschat, however you spell that, testing - I don't even know what that showed - we do not have teacher surveys, class observation, or the full write-up. She doesn't want to do any write up until she has it all done. But we've already heard back from the Davidson people - they want the full write up, not just his scores on the WISC-IV and the WIAT-whatever-number. And I don't think the psychologist can be hurried on this. She says she's really busy the next couple of weeks, and can't even talk to him til next Tuesday. :-(

for whoever recommended the Yale Child Study center...I wish we'd known about this site before and gotten that recommendation...I want FAST. Even if it were way expensive. I'm in a throw money at the problem, throw anything at the problem, frame of mind. (better keep me off Amazon and that homeschooling site I found on one of these threads!) I think this person is actually affiliated part-time with the child study center, but we came to her through her private practice, and fast, she is not being. It took 6 weeks to get to see her to begin with, and then it's been two months for the testing which is not even done.

ack. I'm so, SO tired. I want to play ostrich and take a good long nap while my head's stuck in that sand. thank you all. This is so painful...I'm horrified that so many people go through this, for varying problems. It seems learning shouldn't be a source of such pain!

kcab, you just made me feel so much better. I HATE that when I get v. upset or angry, it's like I can only take so much before I cry - it seems weak, to reinforce bad stereotypes about women, etc. And I definitely feel the crying snapping point hovering not far above me, and it tends to make me withdraw and try to make my DH be the point-person on all this, and he's busy. I LOVE the idea that crying might actually help! (well, ok, I HATE getting listened to when I cry and not other times ...I've had that problem with dh in the past!)

I'm going to go try to take a nap and see if I can come at this fresh and decide what to do, if anything, today. I had so little sleep last night, between baby and up in middle of night with dh trying to figure this out. Baby is sleeping, poor ds is doing math on his own, b/c I tried to teach him multiplying multiple digits by multiple digits and apparently confused him to pieces, depressing both of us. I don't understand what he doesn't understand, which makes it pretty hard to correct! My brain is not working well today. I need a shadow-self to take over when this me is worn too down!

Montana,
Lots of hugs to all of you! You sound like you are taking action and letting your son know that you are in his corner. I would be going nuts too with that testing situation!

Now after his relaxing bath, take a few minutes for yourself! It will help make this more manageable!

Take care and please keep us updated

I think I'm lousy at the advocacy, so I'll leave specific advice to wiser heads. (That's a big factor in our decision to homeschool, frankly. I couldn't imagine how I'd survive the eternal dance of trying to push hard enough to get change, but not pushing so hard as to alienate everyone in the school. My autism spectrum score seems relevant here...)

Hopefully your experience with mediation will help you here. You know how to work to consensus.

I can tell you what I've read here that has seemed to work for people: do pretty much what you're doing. Pose it as a problem ala "DS is miserable and resisting school in a way that is very distressing and not normal for him. I'm concerned. Could you help me with this?" (Only written better than that, of course. In meetings, it's supposed to be not a bad thing to cry if you are at that point, whereas normally you'd want to stifle tears at all costs. Don't fake them, but don't hide them either.) Then let the school suggest solutions and pick the ones that work for you.

Do not use the word "bored" or even hint at it. People worry a lot more about unhappy kids than they do about bored ones.

This will be a long process. If you feel your DS can't take it, then I think you may have to seriously consider other options like a change of schools or homeschooling. (That's how we began our year of "emergency homeschooling"--same exact scenario as yours!--highly upset child, no sign of progress, no idea how he could last the year that way, etc.) Schools move on something akin to geologic time for things like this. If the psych is slowing you down, too, I suspect you are not going to see much help this year, just given the timeline. It's why I worry about following the psych's advice and waiting a month until you have her report (though I absolutely recognize that she presumably has expertise with the schools that I do NOT have). But every day you wait is another day closer to the end of the year with no changes made.

Kids are resiliant, and one bad year isn't likely to do scads of permanent damage. That's the bright side. But damage *is* being done when a child is that upset about something that is what he does for most of his day. It's just not okay IMHO.

You and kcab crossposted with me. More tears allowed by me. LOL!

Hang in there!

Any chance that this meltdown has something to do with the new baby?

I hope the health days help your son and I think that approach makes a great deal of sense. One thing you might consider if you're looking to accelerate him using the Iowa Acceleration Scale is that there is a section for attendance at school. A history of excessive unexcused absences and tardiness or even frequent excused absences would give him a lower score. Obviously your son's health comes first, but it may be a factor in getting him in a better situation.

It's possible, and we've mentioned that both to the school and to his testing psychologist. Definitely, mom is more tired and dad more frazzled. But on the whole he seems much better off than he was the first time he got a little brother, 3 years ago, and we're finding the transition a lot easier, too. I wish there were a way to take out the new baby layer of the experience to see how much that intensified the school problem! But these are issues he's been having since last fall, that we've been trying to handle in a calm, low-level, everything's going to work out, of course we believe you, oh school people way, and we've only seen the problems intensify, as we've tried to tell the school, it's getting worse, it's getting worse.

We've worked hard to keep ds6's life interesting and on an even keel despite the baby - let him do soccer, started cub scouts, run around to weekend things with him, scheduled play dates trying to make him feel more comfortable in school. I'm more worried about ds3, who's caught between the baby and all the focus on ds6. Ds6 kind of benignly overlooks the baby, but ds3 adores him and also, I assume, is overwhelmed by him.

this isn't the first time I've been convinced the child-rearing requires at least three adults. I don't know how single parents do it, at all!

thank you, inky! I didn't know that. I want to try to get the library to find me a copy of that - I was astonished at how much it costs!

it was very sad that our son got the "birthday pox" this year..... he he he

We have been having a similar problem, NOT NEARLY AS BAD!!!!!!!

I feel for him and you! I hope you can work it out.

I don't know CT laws, I'm in CA. But here, if a child is emotionally or physically incapable of being in a classroom- they can be placed on home/hospital care. That means a teacher has to come to your home once a week and provide lessons etc. The school has a responsibility to do something- even if it's not at the level you're expecting or he needs.

However, there is often a stigma attached to H/H kids when they are returning to a classroom after an emotional leave. He may be viewed as fragile and unstable so you'll have to weigh your options as to the benefits. Contact your school district anonymously and ask them something like "We're moving to the area soon and my son has an illness that keeps him out of class for weeks at a time. What kinds of services do you offer?" Leave it neutral and nonspecific and then you'll have an answer to work with in the short run.

wow. I've never heard of a service like that! That's really cool - although not the part about then viewing them as unstable!!

Which who knows, my ds might being working on a reputation as! He kind of solved my crying "don't want to but am really stressed and it might even be good strategy" problem this morning by having a complete and utter meltdown himself when they handed him some unbearably dull book in reading class today. He ended up sobbing in the counselor's office for more than half an hour, and completely freaked out the school. For the first time I'm hearing "we need to fix this" from at least the counselor, and the stonewalling has shifted to "we need to meet as soon as possible." Then, we get to play dueling assessments...yay.

I'm not at all convinced that their fixes will BE fixes, but we finally have at least one person who thinks we have a serious problem here. I feel so horrible for my ds...but hopeful that maybe at last they'll stop treating us like hothousing, complaining parents trying to push our ordinary ds where he can't go. Maybe they'll LISTEN now.

And I'm really sad that he had such an unbearable day even on the November birthday celebration day. :-( The ordinary days must be hell.

I'm sorry your DS was so upset, Montana, but if it helps make a dent in the problem, then maybe it's a good thing.

Here's hoping!

Yes, I'm sorry he was so upset but I'm glad it's gotten the ball rolling. I wish my son would have acted out rather than letting all fester. I always get "But he's so happy at school!'