Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Hard to get 4 year old's attention/internal

Hello Everyone,

Here is the situation - my son is in preschool and is very social. They are having a hard time with him because he would rather make the other kids laugh and is hard to focus. We chose to have him in preschool because we thought socially it would be a good idea, but he on the teaching side, he knows everything they are offering and so surely there is no interest there. The thing is, that even since he was wee he has been so internally focused and at times it is hard to get his attention or to be heard. Even as a baby he was always looking around and was less interested in me and eye contact with me, then the outside world. I notice with other kids his age he seems to relate differently to each other - the way he communicates with them seems less developed to me at times? He just does not always seem to be focused when in conversation with them, and yet this same child was reading at 2 - could go on and on about all that he has demonstrated. I don't know a lot about development of gifted children.
Because he is hard to focus in class, the school is suggesting bringing in a Special Ed counselor to observe him and offer info about teaching environment for him. It is just a suggestion but it upsets me and I do not think this is in the right direction because I don't believe that he can be fully understood by someone who has not had experience with gifted kids. I feel upset and alone in all this. I just want to know if anyone else who has gifted children has had anything like this occur? I wish we had the funds to have him in Montesorri - or perhaps a preschool with more one on one - I don't know what the answer is... Thanks for those who have thoughts or advice.
So grateful.

Sorry you are going through this. Hopefully you will get some good feedback here. I have a DS4 as well and we have had difficulty with preschool as well and put him in a smaller pre-k with more one on one. We put him in this setting because he was acting out in his other pre-k and they didn't know how to handle/deal with him.

In his last setting he was extremely overwhelmed as there were about 20 kids in their other program and they had no behavior management system, and no clear limits. We had thought it was a good program because it wasn't academic and more social/play based. But we quickly learned that wasn't enough for him. They actually asked him to leave and said (in a voicemail on my phone) that he couldn't go back because he wasn't behaving. They also suggested that we refer thim to get special ed services because they weren't sure how he could ever make it without a 1:1 aide. Anyhow, I could go on and on about how they screwed things up but I won't. So we had no idea what to do and almost considered going through special ed, however I just didn't feel like it was the right move and I felt they just weren't used to a child that was as gifted as he is (and I had already had him evaluated at 3yo by a developmental pediatrician because his pre-k teacher then said she felt he needed it and that he could have "something on the spectrum....but not aspergers or autism" LOL). Anyhow I figured it wouldn't hurt to get him evaluated when he was 3 because at the time I was a mental health therapist with children so I knew he didn't fit the criteria of anything...and I wanted confirmation that there wasn't anything else going on and the reason for his behaviors was that he was gifted. And the results were "he's very bright...he doesn't at all have aspergers." We also knew it wasn't an issue because he didn't have any of those behaviors in other settings or at home.

So we found a smaller setting just 3 days a week and it is is so much better. He has been there about a month and a half. We can't afford Montessori right now, and plus they have no openings. His behavior has been good here because they have challenged him more and have limits in place. they feel his behavior is the same as his peers, however they notice how different he is. They do say that they can work with him individually at his level but they do worry about how he will do in school because of how advanced he is and how many more kids there will be and less one on one. With my DS he tends to act out when bored and was not as much internal. However, one thing that may be similar is how he interacts with peers. My DS doesn't talk that much with peers his age, because he is so different then them...they often don't even respond to his comments or questions. However, he does communicate much more verbally with adults or older children (like children that are 6+). I am just curious if that may be a factor with your son. Also, my son doesn't really seem to know how to interact much with peers his age and tries to make them laugh like yours does. It is pretty easy to do, but he tends to act with them like he does with his little sister (who is 1 1/2). He does silly stuff. He has been doing better with this though. I have noticed though that he doesn't at all do this with older children. A psychologist I consulted with who specializes in working with gifted children said that he tends to interpret their intellectual age and responds that way with his play with them. I find this very accurate. Unfortunately sometimes he assumes that they are on a lower level then they actually are. Anyhow, I have gone on way too long. Just wanted to share my experience and let you know I can relate to how you feel. I would get all the knowledge and support you can. I don't think evaluations can hurt at this age, but I agree that you want someone who is experienced doing an evaluation and that they get information about home and school as well.

Good luck in your upcoming decisions. And feel free to send me a message sometime. : )

That's DS4. He has a blast with 6+ year olds. His older brother is 6 so he gets to meet lots of kids of this age. He fits right in with the older crowd and sometimes plays with 6 year old more than his older brother DS4 has a very good 4 year old friend and I thought he would be just fine with 4 year olds. Well this week we had a teacher/parent conference and I was really surprised to find out that my relatively outgoing (at least compare to his brother) child doesn't really play that much with 4 year old kids and prefers to read books or spend lots of time working on art projects. I told them that he most likely prefers 6+ kids but I don't think they believed me. He too tries to be silly when he plays with younger kids.

Fortunately he is fine and happy in his play based preschool. He is actually on the quiet side instead of being the class clown we thought he would be. He is not shy though and starts talking to the teachers as soon as he steps into the classroom. He participates in the circle time and other activities he just doesn't join the kids in games he doesn't care about.

Seattle, would your son be ok if he were allowed to read by himself while others do things he is not interested in? May be you should spend a day there and see for yourself what's going on. Finding a different preschool may be the answer. We tried Montessori last year and we are all MUCH happier with the current preschool.

Thank you Thank you so very much for your response. You did not at all write "too long." I am deeply grateful. You know, our boys may be more similar then I could adequately portray in my writing initially. Reading about your son, was like reading about my own. He is so social... he loves to play with kids his age and I do believe - exactly as you wrote - that he underestimates their level when playing with them. I always wondered if he was just operating at the social level when he first connected with kids? He was always interested in others, highly social and so sought to connect with other children at an early age. I always wondered if he just was using the means of connecting them (silly behavior, very young behavior) which worked well then, now, because he learned they were successful. What your psychologist said makes so much sense to me though.
The areas I have noticed potential challenges are keeping him focused at times and this mostly occurs in conversation. IF he is doing something, he is deeply focused - so deeply focused and present.
It is just at odd times when we are trying to speak to him. I am not entirely sure of the factors there - but one thing I do know is that if he finds what we are saying to be interesting, he is more likely to be present. This does not help with the normal day to day routines and promptings that are pretty normal with 4 year olds. The other thing that I notice is that if you ask him about something that I would consider concrete - about a story he just read, he can tell you about it. If you ask him what he did today, he may just start talking about it without thinking - as if he needs to offer "an answer" the right answer? Not sure about this, but it is interesting. I think he is more literal in personality perhaps. We never were ones to push with him, just nurtured his gifts and interests so it does not totally make sense that he would be seeking to offer what is "the right" answer, but I could be wrong. Anyway will certainly seek to find some guidance with those who do have more knowledge about gifted children, and your thoughts have been so encouraging to me. Just feels nice to share with others who may understand what we have been experiencing. Thanks so much! So grateful.

The thing is, he is super happy with the kids, but does not always respond appropriately for their ages. (silly behavior as wrote about) I think he may well be better off with older kids and am looking into a school where he can work across age groups currently. He is happy, but the part I think our current teachers were concerned about is that he is not hearing them at times, and also not treating kids their age (exhibiting younger behavior with them and so they were concerned about how this might develop?) FOr me it is painful to see him with kids his age at times because he is acting younger/silly and they are looking at him in a way that just hurts me inside. It is as if he just does not realize that what used to work is not appropriate any more -- however the fact that he gets kids to laugh in group situations likely reinforces these behaviors.
He is able to go off and read when bored if he wants to and we have had some discussions about concerns of boredom - but yes, I do believe that he would be better off in a different setting for sure and am looking to find a fit for him that we also can manage financially. Thank you so much also for your feedback.

Glad I didn't bore you with my response. I type fast so I can go on pretty easily without even realizing it. My DS is very literal as well. He is silly and likes to play around all the time, but on his terms mostly. That's interesting about your sons listening about things. Not sure about that, but I do know that my DS tends to hear everything around and that distracts him sometimes. Like we were playing the game Sorry the other day and for some reason is just seemed like he wasn't present. He was only half aware of everything. We were constantly saying "it's your turn" and he was just like in another world. It took us a while to realize that he was listening to the football game that was on while he was playing. Anyhow, DS does not have the best listening skills either. I swear his thoughts in his head are so overwhelming that he misses things in general conversation. If I have his attention DS is a great listener...and he remembers everything. But if it is not interesting or doing something else then good luck. He may hear us.

Thank you again. Sorry it has taken me so long between responses. Your notes have been enormously appreciated. Have a good Thanksgiving.
:-)