Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Parents of GT kids are isolated, too

I should add that I've been experimenting with being upfront about what DS7 can do when:

a) I'm asked directly about why we're homeschooling, since the tapdance around it can lead to misunderstandings (like he's a major troublemaker or he's got learning difficulties),

b) the person doesn't have a child his age, so there's no competition,

c) the situation is such that I can talk about it in a matter-of-fact way that doesn't sound like bragging, but sounds like "here's what we're up against, and it isn't always easy, but this works for us,"

d) I have an already friendly relationship with the person.

e) I can change the subject to the other person's life/kids pretty quickly rather than droning on and on about GTness.

If all those qualifications are met, I stick a toe in the water. I say something like, "Though our school system is a good one, it didn't work for DS7. He is pretty bright, and it just wasn't really possible for the schools to deal with his needs appropriately."

[Usually the question comes back "Whaddya mean 'pretty bright?' What needs?"]

Then I mention what he's working on very matter-of-factly with few/no details--like offering the title of the book he's reading or sying "in math, he's working on adding and subtracting fractions," period--and I get past it as fast as possible. Then I mention the possibility of putting him in a private school down the line so the person knows I'm not anti-school, and then I move on to another topic in a friendly fashion.

I haven't gotten the sense that anyone thinks I'm bragging. I'm not sure people are always 100% comfortable with a smart kid being so close to them (), but we're friendly, outgoing people (for introverts...), so I don't think anyone is coming away with too bad a view of us. I do try to always keep the other person's comfort level well in my sights as I proceed. Certainly I've seen no overt signs of a negative reaction. If I did, I'd shift gears fast!

One woman was visibly impressed with/threatened by what DS was working on, and I tried to nip that in the bud fast! "It's just how he is," I said. "It's just him. He's also the kid who can't keep his shoes tied. They're all different, and this is just his thing." That seemed to help. I also fussed over her adorable, athletic toddler (she was kicking a ball with one foot at 18 mos!), and I think that helped, too.

Personally, I feel better about at least trying to be honest about GTness in a non-threatening way. It is a big part of our lives because of the HSing, and not even mentioning it feels like lying. I am an upfront person, and I just really prefer to be upfront if I can. Homeschooling gives us a measure of freedom there, really. If people can't deal with it, it's not really a big problem for us, since we have a lot of control over who we will or will not spend our time with.

I wouldn't be so honest if we were still in the schools though. (I wasn't when we were in the schools!) Part of me thinks that in that situation, you're dealing with parents of kids the same age as yours, parents who you and your child will see for a number of years, who may be working with your child in the classroom even, but who aren't necessarily going to get it or feel kindly toward your GT child even if they do get it.

No, I think I'd keep my mouth clamped firmly shut if DS7 were still in public school...

Thanks for reminding me how much I like this forum. I would be absolutely isolated in regards to a LOT of stuff about my kids otherwise. I would probably not have advocated at school for them(or at least not effectively) had it not been for this forum.

I can't imagine what would be going on in our family if I had not advocated.

The abnormal becomes normal and that really does cut the feelings of isolation.

The commraderie, sharing of resources, ideas, experiences, tears and laughs had been invaluable. Especially the laughs!

Because I don't feel isolated that transcends to my children. They may still feel that way at school a little, but they know that home is a place where they can say and feel, just about anything.

Gradeskipping makes it hard to fly under the radar. I'm dealing with that issue now...

I have felt very isolated with my ds.

However he is so obviously quirky, different and high maintainance that I have lost count of how many times I have been told, "I didn't realise bright kids were such hard work." Other mums generally feel very sorry for me! School is such a bad fit right now that all the other kids are coming home every night to report on what he has done that day.

Interestingly the other mum who I can really discuss things with has a child with developmental delay who I am helping research a diagnosis with. She really helps and listens. It is the only time I get to reveal what he is capable of.

This morning he was racing around the playground shouting out numbers that were friends and not friends when out came the headmaster. He said to me that the other day ds had wandered down to his office to complain that he was bored! He then complained that i wouldn't answer some questions, did he know?

One of the questions was:
"How much hot liquid do you need to put in a freezer to defrost its contents and how long would it take?"

Just wondering when the school is going to help make some accommodations for him

This struck me because i'm sure that my advocacy is not being taken seriously because i'm 'a young mother of 2'.

I have 6 people that i talk to about DS and DD (excluding my DP ), 4 of them are grand parents, 1 is a mother of another very GT child, and the last is a mother of another 'average' child - but now her girl is in school I don't talk about specifics any more.
I think one other parent knows about DS because she volunteers in thier class but she's never said anything.

This is definitely the case for me when I take ds & dd to ballet practice - not dance class with all the other moms, but when ds is in a production with the regular company dancers. (A lot of kids do 1 or 2 shows during the year and they are a great experience. )
What I am referring to is bringing dd 2.5 with me - the adult ballerinas and danseurs are just ga-ga over her, and they often ask questions about her development - 'is that normal?' basically is the underlying question - they say 'she seems so smart!!'
They are all very young, no kids, and they wait outside the practice studios and play with her, ask her questions, try to stump her on pronounciation of big words.
I have been getting some pretty specific questions lately - like 'how old are kids normally when they start to learn their letters or numbers?'.
Mostly dd just has a serious gift of gab, she really does sound like a 4 or 5 year old sometimes. But I dont think that is too scary to a lot of people. She also loves trying to imitate the dancers so that really delights them.
One of the younger girls keeps comparing her to her little cousin who is three who sounds nd, in the areas she has mentioned. I always say, thanks, and point out how my dd is really almost 3 also, and speech ability is pretty varied in how old kids are when they master it.

Take Heart Cathy - this year (at a new school) I don't think that anyone knows that DS12 is 12 in 8th grade - not even the teachers! I always make sure to buy birthday card invitations that don't have an age on them - but of course this year I don't think that there will be written invitations at all - blessing of a summer birthday!

Everyone just seems to accept that his two years at the private school gave him an excellent preperation, and that he has his own twisted sense of humor.

Yippee!
Grinity

I feel for you there, we are glad we can talk to the GrandParents, but we are way more open with DP's parents than mine. I couldn't imagine not being about to discuss anything with them. Thank goodness for forums!

Feelings of isolation run very true here also, which is why we searched out this forum. When our DS6 was grade skipped people stopped talking with us and wouldn't allow their kids to play with our DS6. I answer only that DS6 is doing enjoying himself when asked how he is doing.

I hear you. That's why I try to tell the relevant people if I think I can get away with it. (Which I can't a lot of the time.)

It's really a "darned if you do and darned if you don't" situation. But to me, it's kind of like the philosophy I had for dating WAAAAAAAY back in the day: I'd rather be up-front and lose them fast rather than waste my time with someone who will hate me for who I am once they see the real me. It just saves time to be real from the start.

Being outgoing introverts makes it easier. DS7 and I are friendly and social enough that people seem to enjoy us, but ultimately we don't really care all that much about whether they do or not.

I have a handful of true friends with GT kids though, and that makes a big difference. The parents get along, the kids get along, and I feel like I can be myself and talk openly with them about what we're going through. I really feel for anyone who doesn't have that. If I could only talk to the grandparents, I'd feel really isolated.

My heart goes out to those of you in that situation!