Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums How & when do you tell your child...

How & when do you tell your child they are gifted? We are getting forms filled out for testing my DS6 for the 1st time & he is asking questions about what the forms are for, etc.

He is aware that he is smarter than the rest of his class, but my fear is that he will become overly confident if we tell him he is "more than smart".

Any suggestions or experiences to share??
Jen

I have gone with the "different people learn different things at different rates" approach. Just like some people are faster runners than others. We have also talked about how being better at X doesn't mean the same thing as being a better person. It just means that doing X takes more practice for some people. You can give an example of something that your child finds difficult.

I have tried to avoid the "smart" label since it seems to imply that others are "dumb". It's difficult though, because casual acquaintances notice DS and tell him that he's "really smart" all the time.

We have always been pretty up-front with DS about what is going on. Especially when a kid already knows they are different, it seems fair to validate it. I think we can make better choices in life if we have a sense of where we fit and that there are other kids like us out there, even if they are not in our classes. But you also have to let them know that just being smart doesn't get you very far in this world--it's what you do with it that matters.

We had started DS in music lessons when he was 5 and he saw there were kids for whom the music came much more easily than for him. We used that to explain that different kids were good at different things. He had self-taught reading at 2 so he had never had to struggle with reading like the other kids in his class were doing. But he had had to struggle with the right way to hold his violin etc. I told him that for many kids learning to read was like learning the bow-hold. We never had any problems with his thinking he was better than the other kids or coasting. I think a lot of that was because we had introduced something that was hard for him early on. He has a lot of empathy for the other kids because of that and he also knows that not everything will come easy.

I don't have any answers to this, but I have been wondering this as well lately. I don't think that DS4 is aware of his difference from others just yet. In fact, the other day I was talking about how he can help others and I was talking about how he could read to others in his class if they want him to. He said "why don't they just read?" I told him that not everyone in his class can read probably. He was shocked by this. I never said they couldn't because I don't know....but I would bet that most 4 year olds in his pre-k program can't read on a 4th/5th grade level. Anyhow, that just shows me how he doesn't quite see that yet. But I know that it won't be long before he is asking questions since he asks questions about everything else.

I do know that I have already done talking with my DS about how everyone has different strengths and things they are really good at, and some things they aren't as good at. Some may be good readers, and some may be good bike riders, etc. I am trying to explain things that way early on so that no matter what your skills are it doesn't mean that one is better than the other.

We were pretty much completely honest with DS7.

In our house, we use the correct words for anatomy, we talk openly and age-/maturity-appropriately about topics like sex and drugs, and we acknowledge GTness by using the word "GT." It's just reality. We talked about testing as "something to help us understand what he needs and to help us make some decisions about school." That seemed to make sense to him.

(We did talk extensively about testing in practical terms so that he knew to answer even the easy questions, he wouldn't worry that he'd "failed" if he couldn't answer everything, etc. But I think that's separate from what you're talking about.)

It is important, I think that we also made/make very clear to him that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, that bragging about *anything* makes other people feel bad and will often make them dislike him. He had a friend who was a braggart when he was 4 or 5, so he got it immediately. The only time we had trouble was when he was miserable and very ill-fitted to his class in 1st grade. Then I heard him brag about being "the smartest boy in his class." I worried! Fortunately, we pulled him out soon after, so it wasn't the end of the world. But I really think regular bragging is a sign of a poor fit and insecurity. Now that he's challenged, the word "GT" pretty much never leaves his mouth. It would be like talking about his ear. Why? It's just part of him. Nothing to say.

All-in-all, I don't like the fairly common notion that being GT is something we can't talk about or something they can't know about. They know. Putting a word to it just makes it easier to discuss with us. But that's just me, and I tend to think that ANYTHING is fair game for discussion...

We're also very open about topics in our house. We haven't started using the "GT" phrase at this point though. We have taken an similar approach with "different kids are ready for school at different ages." DS also knew something was up when he was getting tested this summer. He's no dummy (duh!) but we positioned it as we were meeting with the doctor to make sure that we were meeting his educational needs.

But we wait for situations that come up. We don't just bring it up for the sake of talking about it. For example, we know he's a little bored at school and when talking to him about being bored at school we'll use it as an opportunity to explain to him that people learn at different speeds, etc.

JB

MrWiggly was first exposed to the word "gifted" as he looked over my shoulder while I was reading Dr. Ruf's book. He asked what I was reading, read the title and then said "what are 'gifted children?' I told him that the term referred to kids who learn easily and are often ahead of other kids in their grade level. To which he stated "oh, like me." And I said, "yeah, like you." And he said, "so I'm gifted?" and I said, "yup." And he said, "Cool" with a smile and then went off to play.

That was my experience. He now is in third grade and participates in the pull out program which is, at our school, called "The Gifted Program." Ain't no way to hide it now!

The issue seems to be what to call it not whether or when to tell the kids. They already know they are different. They just need a name to it, I think. So they can better understand the differences. We are dealing with the "smartest kid in the class" syndrome and for that reason really want to heed Dr. Ruf's advice to get MrWiggly more involved with kids at his level. He is getting a big head not because he knows he is gifted but because there's no one else as gifted or more so around him.

Dr. Ruf also suggested the book Gifted Kids Survival Guide for ages 7 - 10 years old. I've yet to get it but she encouraged us to own it and read through it with MrWiggly. Anyone else ever used the book?

In our house, it is the princess test.

She knows it is about which school she gets to go to for kindergarten and knows that if she does well she can go to the school for really smart kids and why this is important.

Because we do have issues about trying. She likes it when it comes easy and we have discussions about things that come easy and things you have to work for.

But we started calling it the princess test, because princesses have tests now and need to practice and persevere. (new princess stories anyway) and she is into princesses.

And as she is the typical visual spatial, she doesn't like dealing with a task, until, as Silverman puts it, "the light bulb goes off" and then it is like "of course I know how to do this", been doing it a lifetime kind of attitude.

So I had a conversation about the tortoise and the hare. Although she is really smart, she must learn to sit and breathe and think, because her smarts won't do her any good if she doesn't learn to use them and kids who might not be as fast thinkers as she, could do better than she, because she abuses her gift. That conversation seemed to get to her. Her competitive nature, but she got that even if it was easier for her, other kids could work harder and do better.

Ren

Oh, yes! That's us, too. We sort of *had* to explain the testing (in K by the school and then again in 1st grade for DYS and my edification), and then he was bored and wanted to talk about that, and then he wanted to know what DYS was...

If he hadn't asked, we probably wouldn't have said much. But I suspect it's very rare to have a GT kid who WOULDN'T ask questions, no? Curiosity rather comes with the territory.

Totally, us too.

Unfortunately it has backfired on us at times. For example, DD6 realized at 4 that when she said the word penis it evoked a very amusing(to her of course) reaction from people. She's finally settled down but for about a year she seems to have made it her personal mission to figure out how to insert the word penis into a conversation with an adult because she thinks the reactions she gets are funny.

It's amazing I have any hair on my head, for ripping it out all the time!