Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy He was accelerated and now.......He's Sad.

(sorry for the misspellings- I am dysgraphic)
My son just got put ahead this year to third grade. It was really not the best solution but it was the best solution given the options. All parties involved came to this concluetion together.

All parties meaning his parents, him, his Doctor and the school.


He's in 3rd and the work is more challenging. Of course the only thing that really is challenging to him in 3rd grade is the writing, and that is more of a phyical problem.

He is sad and has cried almost everyday in school so far. He says he misses us, and he misses being at home, he feels like he shouldn't be there. When we asked if other kids are teasing him, he says no, he also says no when we ask about him being excluded. He seems to be getting along with the other kids. He just turned 7, there are kids in his class that are 9 and will turn 10 this year.

Is this just opening day jitters or should I be worried?

It could be, how many days has he been in school?
Was he on board before he got there, or was the decision made without input?
When he says he misses you and home, was he homeschooled last year or ps'ed and this is a new school?

I wouldn't worry about typo's....I make typo's too. After I post I leave them, only editing if it affects clarity. Trying to resolve deeply seeded perfectionism issues...

this is his 6th day

he was on board, but did have some trepadations

no homeschooling, same school, but there are alot more kids in the school this year ( a local charter school failed and about 900 kids came back to the regular district because of it)

Yes, what was his situation last year? Was he really happy with his class?

Is he prone to emotional outbursts, or is this a big departure from his usual personality and M.O.?

What were his trepidations? What worried him?

Without hearing the answers to Kriston's excellent questions, I might throw one possibility out there and see where it lands.

I have noticed with my DS, who was also 7 years old in 3rd grade last year, that it took a little bit of time for him to get used to the mental fatigue that was involved with sitting in a classroom all day long. I'm not necessarily saying that the work it too hard for him... I'm trying instead, without knowing what to call it, to put my finger on the energy needed to sit and be focused for longer periods of time. In third grade, the kids have fewer breaks to get up and move around, and they are expected to concentrate for longer stretches. I have noticed that at the beginning of each year, my DS is just plain tired by the end of the day. My normal little bundle of energy just drags when he is coming home from school. It is not that the material in school is too challenging for him. I just think that the sitting and focusing is mentally draining for him at first. We tend to see that his emotions rise to the surface a little bit easier when he is tired. This doesn't last for too long. He usually adapts quickly to the school environment and is back to his normal bounding self within two or three weeks.

I don't know if this is an issue with your DS or not. Sadness is certainly different than tiredness, but sometime seven year olds can have difficulty separating the two. Heck, my DS is old enough to know that I turn into a cranky grumpasaurus when I am tired.

I'm seeing this with my 7yo, too, ebeth and we're even homeschooling, and for only a few hours a day. But he's used to our summer "run and play all day" schedule, so the sitting is an adjustment.

I think this is a good issue to consider. Very possible!

I don't want to dismiss a possible serious situation with light brush-off answer. I'm more likely to see this tiredness with my DS if he easily gets frustrated with building his lego or doesn't except a "no" from us for a tiny request. His emotions are just not well contained sometimes when he is dog tired, even at the age of eight. But crying at school may be different.

Jenjoysoup: As a mom, you are the only one who can probably read your son's reactions to the new school situation. We have all been in the same boat, but our kids may react to the situations differently. That said, just know that we are here to talk you through it. Listen to your gut instincts! It may be tiredness or it may be something else? Do he like his new teacher? Are there things that he likes about 3rd grade? Sometimes my DS won't tell me right away if something is bothering him. I have to get him talking about things that he likes about a subject before he will open up about the things that he doesn't like. (just a sneaky little psychological trick from a mom who is used to getting one word answers from the question "How was your day?")

Oh Soupy!
I really feel for you!
I think that Kriston's comment is excellent. I'm also curious if you-all have talked about homeschooling as an option. Are there any private schools around that are a possible better fit.

Is the work he is bringing home anywhere near a challenge for him? If is isn't, then the extra strain of more writing demands may not be worth it for him, at least short term. Some parents have found that after the first gradeskip, actual accomidations that work for the child, such as additional subject accelerations, online class substitution, or partial homeschooling are much, much easier to get.

If the work is actually challenging, intellectually, then expect to hear lots of emotional words as you child gets used to 'reality.' This was my son's case with a mid-year skip from 5th to 6th. It took two years and a school change for him to reverse his Underachievement and get to know himself well enough for school to actually be fun as well as a good learning experience. Yes, there were plenty of moments when he begged me to Home School him, because going in there a facing what he had to face was a big heavy thing.

One thing that used to work in our house was eating pomegranets. (I'm a stranger to spelling too!) He and I would sit down and pick, eat, and squirt our way through half a pomegranet and I would hear him process a lot of cool thoughts. Then I didn't have to be in a state of panic over there being trouble and me not knowing what it is. We've also had several good heart-to-heart listens over DS12 making his special hand mashed guacamole.

I know that when children enter school, some of them (mine, at the least) get the message that it is 'bad' to be little and 'good' to be a big kid, and that being a big kid is a privalege that must be earned through suffering through each of the grades. Subject accelerations didn't work for my son in 4th grade, because he always projected that the other kids questioned his right to do their special privaleges. Some little boys are amazingly heirarchy-minded. As a female, it's difficult for me to take this as seriously as my DS does, even on an emotional level.

Do you have a personal policy about doing hard things? What lessons would you like your child to learn about sad/hard times? Telling you son stories about your own 'big steps that you didn't feel ready for' and those of family members does help, I believe, if it's after you've listened to him as much as he can, and as long as you introduce the stories that you expect his situation is quite unique. Even hearing that 'Grinity's son' was sad and felt like he had violated some unspoken rule when he first skipped, but that every year he feels more and more at home with his new grade-track might help. I figured that since there weren't many kids around who had gone through what my son had gone through, that it was fair to give him some of the support I get from posting here. You can even encourage him to post here and get some direct support.

I fully intend that by the time my grandchildren go through the school system, all these difficulties will have been figured out. For now, you and me and your son and mine are pioneers of trying to cobble together the best of what's availible. It's a hard road, but, something, I think, to be proud of.

I find it hard to balance between the 'poor baby, tell me more' side of myself, and the 'chin up, this is the best we're going to get! No point dwelling on what can't be.' side of myself. What works pretty well for us, is for me to be upfront about the two sides, and to schedule time for each of them - maybe bathtime for complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves, and the rest of the day for trying to notice what's going well. We gifted folks will always be able to see something better than what is and yearn for it, just as we can learn to appreciate the beauty of what is - so this is a really good skill to develop in the long run.

Bottom Line: I don't know from your description how much of a change is needed, if any. It is interesting that he isn't begging to go back to his old grade-track. You won't know for a while yet, perhaps not ever, but that isn't what's required. Your job is to do the best you can, and give the style of love that you think is best, and maybe learn from whatever bumps in the road you meet.

Parenting isn't the kind of activity where it's usually possible to ever have a clear, logical view of the whole situation. That's hard to get used to! ((smile))

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Excellent possibility. We have seen this too, kcab. We usually ride a very predictable wave during the beginning of school. Excitement, but tiredness for the first few weeks. Settle into a routine for a month where all is good. Then by November, DS starts to look around and realizes that the current school situation is not all that it is cracked up to be. Don't even ask about November to May.

With these kids, what works one month may not necessarily work in the months to come. Ahhhh.... the joys of gifted parenting.

Sorry Jenjoysoup... didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Maybe your son has raced through the above steps! LOL

Interesting insight, Grinity. I would have missed this issue completely. Sometime it is not a question of what messages of acceptance that others give us, but how secure we are in our own world view. My DS is really age-blind and/or size-blind. He does not register that he is any different than any of the other kids in his class, even when they are years and inches (nearly feet!) different. This has its own set of problems, mind you! But to a kid that is very aware of this, it can be quite intimidating. There is a delicate balance between the hunger to know more and the risks that you are willing to take in order to climb up the food chain (so to speak) and the uncomfortableness of being different. That balance will be different for each child.

well, he isn't really pron to emotional outbreaks in public. He's is pretty private about his emotions publicily. So crying in school is sort of strange. At home he and his father both are my sweet cry babies. We watch a movie and it's sad, the two of them start balling. They'll cry while watching the news. When i was young I was like that as well. Be I guess age as crurpted me....lol.

I asked him about going to 2nd and he wasn't really interested.....

He did say to me, "I just need to get used to it. By December I'll be happy."

But then this morning when we dropped him off he said, "Don't be surprised, I am going to cry today. I just know it."

I guess well see later today how it went.

Sorry if I'm repeating some things that have already been said... I'll be honest... I didn't read every post :-)

I just wanted to say that my dad and I were just reminiscing the other day about how first grade was just hell for us. We were not ready at 6-7 years old to be away from home for 7-8hrs a day. Academically and socially we were fine but a long grueling day of desk work was just way too much for us.

I don't know how your school is but in 3rd grade sometimes there is a lot less recess, pe, library, change of scenery, etc... than there is in first grade. It's usually a gradual change but when you skip grades I bet it can be a huge adjustment.

Have you considered doing part time homeschooling? Especially since he's so young and a full day of school can feel like a LOT.
They very long school days we have nowadays is one of the reasons I'll be homeschooling after kindergarten (if not for K as well)

Just a thought!
Good luck.

Poor kid! And a lot of extra kids must be very tough for everyone!

It takes time to get used to a new situation, but he may discover in a couple of weeks or so that a lot of his worries have lessened, just like he predicted. He sounds like a very thoughtful person.

This sounds trite, but try to focus on the good things about the day, and monitor them in your mind to look for changes (more good things in a day, good things going from small good things to bigger good things, etc.).

Val

How sweet!
Sounds like he has both a hopeful and a 'needs to show how hard it is' side.

A friend explained to me about having 'faith' in my kid. It was a time when I didn't have 'trust' in him or in the situation. She explained that when you have 'faith' you convey confidence the your kid will work things out, although you don't feel safe right now. Sound like your son has 'faith' in himself - very sweet.

Grins

Just because he's feeling down right now doesn't mean that it is the result of the gradeskip. If he hadn't skipped and he was feeling down, you might be thinking that it was because he hadn't skipped!

I think that you and he should give him more time to settle in. He's probably right--he'll be feeling better by December.

I saw that a lot of people said about him being away all day. He is sort of used to that, he started full day kindergarten when he was 4. So Him being there all day isn't really an issue.

We just picked him up and he was happy as a clam. His father asked him if he was sad today, or if he cried and he responded, "No, why? I had a great day." He seemed like he had no idea why we would think he was sad.

We visited his class for a little while today, he had a birthday recently (became 7) and so we did the cupcake and juice thing. He seemed fine, seemed to fit right in.

So I think is shaky's are over. He's settling in.

I'm glad to hear that!

Doesn't that beat all? It seems to go with the Intensity thing at our house.

Glad to hear he's feeling more grounded. Gladder that you have us to worry with!

Grinity

Awesome! :-) glad to hear it!

Remember this day, especially if he cries again next week!

YES! HURRAY!!!!

Help I am so frustrated tonight. My daughter is in first grade and was tested into second grade she has always loved to learn. We have never pushed anything on her she just takes it and goes with it. Well, recently I have noticed that if she gets a problem wrong when we sit her down to talk to her about it she will cry and whine. My husband and I just look at each other and can not understand why she gets the way she does. Today she got 5 problems wrong and cried in class and told the teacher that we were going to be mad at her. That was not the truth we are very proud of her and never get mad at her for getting something wrong.It seems like she is so hard on herself she wants to get everything right and we have tried over and over to explain to her that not everyone can always get everything right.
I just don't know what to do. I always thought that I wanted my child to be gifted. I was not. I just never would have thought all these other little things would happen.

Shana,

I a lot of us have seen behavior like that to various degrees. We see it now in our DS, but not to that extent. I think it comes from the perfectionism that is common with GT kids used to getting everything perfect. I wish I could offer you advice. Unfortunately, all I can say is that we've had similar experiences. Our DS doesn't act out that same way, but he does tend to shut down if he misses a problem. We're trying to find techniques for him to better cope, including stressing that it's okay to get stuck or get something wrong, that it's part of the learning process. We're also trying to give him more opportunities to do work that is above his level so that we know that he is learning new things. I don't know if that would be helpful in your case or not.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

JB

Shana

Before we had our son when we talked about having a child, we discussed what the issues would be. We waited a long time because I was scared that I would have a child with dysgraphia like me. I remember how hard it was in school and really feared this. So we waited and then finally decided that it was worth the risk. When he came out super smart like my dad..... it sort of threw me for a loop. I had prepared myself of a different sort of kid. When he was little and first started showing signs of giftedness, I had no frame of reference other then my brothers and sisters- and they weren't talking....lol

When DS7 gets something wrong, usually we just brush it off, and he has learned to do that too. We have explained to him, nobody is perfect. Because of my dysgraphia, I have a wealth of experience with that....;)
This line is often said in our house,"OMG! I (you, we) got something wrong! Are we going to spiral toward the sun? Is it the end of time?"

It's funny how we all do this, plan and think things will be one way and then, there not. And we have to "raise to the occasion" (my mother would say this to me all the time.)

I am thinking that her emotional maturity to face frustration and hard slogging has not caught up with her cognitive abilities. The "takes it and goes with it" is telling. Somethings you cannot take - they take you!!

Seng has some articles on this.

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/index.shtml

I liked this one.

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_c...n_Exceptionally_Gifted_Adolescents.shtml

Does she read a lot? Can you find a book where the heroine faces setbacks and then perseveres?

Does she like learning new words? Persevere, frustration, dissappointment, endurance, faith, focus, setback, commitment, gumption, grit, courage, surcease?

Trust?

So i am happy to report that he is happy and comfortable..... now I just have to get them to live up to the plan we all laid out. he he heh..... it never ends

Hi...I am new to this forum so am late chiming in on this topic. I am so glad to hear that your son has adjusted to his situation. I just wanted to share that my DD10 is in a similar situation. She is in 5th grade but tests at 8th grade level in math. The school did nothing for her last year and I raised a holy ruckusover that. For thisschool year the best option we could come up with was to accelerate her. She has been attending a 6th grade advanced math class at the middle school next door. She was very apprehensive and really didn't want to go....read dramatic tears, pouting, complaining, etc. She is definately at the age where she doesn't want to be different. She finally agreed to try it and for the first few weeks she tried to convince me...on a daily basis....that she didn't belong in the middle school class. Now, about six weeks into the school year, she is doing really well. She could probably handle even more challenge academically but not emotionally or maturity wise. As it turns out, her classmates think it is cool and she has been completely accepted by the older kids.