Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy He was accelerated and now.......He's Sad.

(sorry for the misspellings- I am dysgraphic)
My son just got put ahead this year to third grade. It was really not the best solution but it was the best solution given the options. All parties involved came to this concluetion together.

All parties meaning his parents, him, his Doctor and the school.


He's in 3rd and the work is more challenging. Of course the only thing that really is challenging to him in 3rd grade is the writing, and that is more of a phyical problem.

He is sad and has cried almost everyday in school so far. He says he misses us, and he misses being at home, he feels like he shouldn't be there. When we asked if other kids are teasing him, he says no, he also says no when we ask about him being excluded. He seems to be getting along with the other kids. He just turned 7, there are kids in his class that are 9 and will turn 10 this year.

Is this just opening day jitters or should I be worried?

It could be, how many days has he been in school?
Was he on board before he got there, or was the decision made without input?
When he says he misses you and home, was he homeschooled last year or ps'ed and this is a new school?

I wouldn't worry about typo's....I make typo's too. After I post I leave them, only editing if it affects clarity. Trying to resolve deeply seeded perfectionism issues...

this is his 6th day

he was on board, but did have some trepadations

no homeschooling, same school, but there are alot more kids in the school this year ( a local charter school failed and about 900 kids came back to the regular district because of it)

Yes, what was his situation last year? Was he really happy with his class?

Is he prone to emotional outbursts, or is this a big departure from his usual personality and M.O.?

What were his trepidations? What worried him?

Without hearing the answers to Kriston's excellent questions, I might throw one possibility out there and see where it lands.

I have noticed with my DS, who was also 7 years old in 3rd grade last year, that it took a little bit of time for him to get used to the mental fatigue that was involved with sitting in a classroom all day long. I'm not necessarily saying that the work it too hard for him... I'm trying instead, without knowing what to call it, to put my finger on the energy needed to sit and be focused for longer periods of time. In third grade, the kids have fewer breaks to get up and move around, and they are expected to concentrate for longer stretches. I have noticed that at the beginning of each year, my DS is just plain tired by the end of the day. My normal little bundle of energy just drags when he is coming home from school. It is not that the material in school is too challenging for him. I just think that the sitting and focusing is mentally draining for him at first. We tend to see that his emotions rise to the surface a little bit easier when he is tired. This doesn't last for too long. He usually adapts quickly to the school environment and is back to his normal bounding self within two or three weeks.

I don't know if this is an issue with your DS or not. Sadness is certainly different than tiredness, but sometime seven year olds can have difficulty separating the two. Heck, my DS is old enough to know that I turn into a cranky grumpasaurus when I am tired.

I'm seeing this with my 7yo, too, ebeth and we're even homeschooling, and for only a few hours a day. But he's used to our summer "run and play all day" schedule, so the sitting is an adjustment.

I think this is a good issue to consider. Very possible!

I don't want to dismiss a possible serious situation with light brush-off answer. I'm more likely to see this tiredness with my DS if he easily gets frustrated with building his lego or doesn't except a "no" from us for a tiny request. His emotions are just not well contained sometimes when he is dog tired, even at the age of eight. But crying at school may be different.

Jenjoysoup: As a mom, you are the only one who can probably read your son's reactions to the new school situation. We have all been in the same boat, but our kids may react to the situations differently. That said, just know that we are here to talk you through it. Listen to your gut instincts! It may be tiredness or it may be something else? Do he like his new teacher? Are there things that he likes about 3rd grade? Sometimes my DS won't tell me right away if something is bothering him. I have to get him talking about things that he likes about a subject before he will open up about the things that he doesn't like. (just a sneaky little psychological trick from a mom who is used to getting one word answers from the question "How was your day?")

Oh Soupy!
I really feel for you!
I think that Kriston's comment is excellent. I'm also curious if you-all have talked about homeschooling as an option. Are there any private schools around that are a possible better fit.

Is the work he is bringing home anywhere near a challenge for him? If is isn't, then the extra strain of more writing demands may not be worth it for him, at least short term. Some parents have found that after the first gradeskip, actual accomidations that work for the child, such as additional subject accelerations, online class substitution, or partial homeschooling are much, much easier to get.

If the work is actually challenging, intellectually, then expect to hear lots of emotional words as you child gets used to 'reality.' This was my son's case with a mid-year skip from 5th to 6th. It took two years and a school change for him to reverse his Underachievement and get to know himself well enough for school to actually be fun as well as a good learning experience. Yes, there were plenty of moments when he begged me to Home School him, because going in there a facing what he had to face was a big heavy thing.

One thing that used to work in our house was eating pomegranets. (I'm a stranger to spelling too!) He and I would sit down and pick, eat, and squirt our way through half a pomegranet and I would hear him process a lot of cool thoughts. Then I didn't have to be in a state of panic over there being trouble and me not knowing what it is. We've also had several good heart-to-heart listens over DS12 making his special hand mashed guacamole.

I know that when children enter school, some of them (mine, at the least) get the message that it is 'bad' to be little and 'good' to be a big kid, and that being a big kid is a privalege that must be earned through suffering through each of the grades. Subject accelerations didn't work for my son in 4th grade, because he always projected that the other kids questioned his right to do their special privaleges. Some little boys are amazingly heirarchy-minded. As a female, it's difficult for me to take this as seriously as my DS does, even on an emotional level.

Do you have a personal policy about doing hard things? What lessons would you like your child to learn about sad/hard times? Telling you son stories about your own 'big steps that you didn't feel ready for' and those of family members does help, I believe, if it's after you've listened to him as much as he can, and as long as you introduce the stories that you expect his situation is quite unique. Even hearing that 'Grinity's son' was sad and felt like he had violated some unspoken rule when he first skipped, but that every year he feels more and more at home with his new grade-track might help. I figured that since there weren't many kids around who had gone through what my son had gone through, that it was fair to give him some of the support I get from posting here. You can even encourage him to post here and get some direct support.

I fully intend that by the time my grandchildren go through the school system, all these difficulties will have been figured out. For now, you and me and your son and mine are pioneers of trying to cobble together the best of what's availible. It's a hard road, but, something, I think, to be proud of.

I find it hard to balance between the 'poor baby, tell me more' side of myself, and the 'chin up, this is the best we're going to get! No point dwelling on what can't be.' side of myself. What works pretty well for us, is for me to be upfront about the two sides, and to schedule time for each of them - maybe bathtime for complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves, and the rest of the day for trying to notice what's going well. We gifted folks will always be able to see something better than what is and yearn for it, just as we can learn to appreciate the beauty of what is - so this is a really good skill to develop in the long run.

Bottom Line: I don't know from your description how much of a change is needed, if any. It is interesting that he isn't begging to go back to his old grade-track. You won't know for a while yet, perhaps not ever, but that isn't what's required. Your job is to do the best you can, and give the style of love that you think is best, and maybe learn from whatever bumps in the road you meet.

Parenting isn't the kind of activity where it's usually possible to ever have a clear, logical view of the whole situation. That's hard to get used to! ((smile))

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Excellent possibility. We have seen this too, kcab. We usually ride a very predictable wave during the beginning of school. Excitement, but tiredness for the first few weeks. Settle into a routine for a month where all is good. Then by November, DS starts to look around and realizes that the current school situation is not all that it is cracked up to be. Don't even ask about November to May.

With these kids, what works one month may not necessarily work in the months to come. Ahhhh.... the joys of gifted parenting.

Sorry Jenjoysoup... didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Maybe your son has raced through the above steps! LOL

Interesting insight, Grinity. I would have missed this issue completely. Sometime it is not a question of what messages of acceptance that others give us, but how secure we are in our own world view. My DS is really age-blind and/or size-blind. He does not register that he is any different than any of the other kids in his class, even when they are years and inches (nearly feet!) different. This has its own set of problems, mind you! But to a kid that is very aware of this, it can be quite intimidating. There is a delicate balance between the hunger to know more and the risks that you are willing to take in order to climb up the food chain (so to speak) and the uncomfortableness of being different. That balance will be different for each child.