Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Best environment for social growth?

We are seeking guidance on how to choose a pre-school for our gifted 3-year-old son. We are concerned primarily about his social development, given the disparity between his intellectual maturity and that of his age-peers. We have found an excellent Montessori school, but it is a 5-day program and he has never been separated from us. Furthermore, we are concerned that the learning emphasis, while captivating for him, will detract from his social growth. We have also found a 3-day program with a gradual transition approach at a nice parochial school that provides developmentally-appropriate activities and emphasizes the development of the whole child as a future "world citizen". After having read the "social adjustment of extremely gifted children" article, we aren't sure which option is best. We are concerned about a statement he made: "Do you know what I discovered about myself? I don't like to play with children. I prefer to play with adults." We have seen him try to engage other children in conversation, but they are often just interested in parallel play. Montessori would stimulate him and give him older peers. The parochial school would ease the child-parent separation and remove the emphasis on learning, allowing perhaps for other kinds of growth. Any suggestions? Can anyone recommend any appropriate resources? (Unfortunately, home schooling is, circumstantially, not an option.)

Hello,
Is it possible to put your son in the 3-day program, but with the class for children one year up?
Gifted children really stand out at this age so you usually don't have to deal with the headache of proving he is advanced. I have found that day care teachers are often less ridgid ragarding lock-step grouping.
Some gifted kids are happy with age mates. Your son has already told you that he is not. I would act based on his own remarks.

Hi. Thanks for your reply. I had a similar thought, but haven't explored that possibility with the school. I think it's worth pursuing. Thanks again.

Can you try the Montessori Program for a week "just to see?"

I wouldn't worry that by "emphasising" the academic that you will be shortchanging the social. Remember you are not "accelerating" him, you are giving him material at a rate that is normal for him. Does that make sense? Most kids are able to learn academic stuff at a rate that is appropriate for them and still have plenty of interest and energy left over for the social. Just because your child would be doing things that would exhaust other children doesn't mean that he would be exhausting himself. More likely he would have MorE energy for play if he is getting his intellectual needs met.

I really like multiage classrooms for these young ones. I think it gives them a chance to 'be themselves.'

Think about the word "grade" - it's meaning are about grade in school and also "quality" as in Grade A, farm fresh eggs. The sad thing about single age classrooms is that the children get "branded" by their age. That sure doesn't work for my kid.

Having said all that, the individual classroom teacher makes a big difference. Questions like - how do you feel about having a child in your room who is reading when the other students aren't? Do you feel that some books are "too old" for young students who are precosious readers and should be discouraged?
Are children allowed to follow their interests even if they are not old enough so that that interest is developmentally appropriate.

You will be amazed at the kinds of responces you get to these questions! And informed. There is an idea out there that all children develop at a similar rate, and the they can be damaged by following their own interests! ((shocked look))

I do believe that there is such a thin as fearful parents who pust their child - can the personel at either school be depended upon to be able to tell the difference between you and those other parents?

Best Wishes,
I have faith that you will find something that will work!
Trinity

Trinity,

Thanks for your thoughtful remarks. The concern about the academic shortchanging the social comes from my perception that Montessori education emphasizes independent learning. Perhaps I am mistakenly equating independence with isolation. We just don't want our son to grow up in an "ivory tower". Also, he is averse to structured group activities involving other children, and We'd like to see that change. In any case, the concern doesn't stem from a belief that he will get worn out from the intellectual stimulation.

Our intuition tells us that the multi-age setting would indeed be best for our son. But I think we are both concerned about his adaptability to the 5-day program when his current and only scholastic experience is a 1-day/week parent/child class. I will look into doing a one-week trial as you suggest. It would be nice if it were possible to do it now before the next school year due to enrollment logistics.

Your point about the relevance of the individual teacher is well-taken. In some sense, that seems even more important than the school or the pedagogical paradigm.

While I agree that locking all children into an age-based developmental path is misguided, I do feel that some guidance is appropriate with respect to permitting a child to pursue knowledge for which they may be intellectually ready, but perhaps not emotionally ready. So if I have understood you correctly, we may differ on this point. Nonetheless, your overarching point of making sure we have an understanding of the teacher's perspectives on these issues is much appreciated.

We certainly have no interest in pushing our son. If anything, we want to provide the environment that will ultimately make him happy and well-adjusted, which is a far greater concern to us than his academic development. Hopefully, this will come across to the personnel in the various schools so that they do not mistake us for "fearful parents who push their child".

Thanks again for your support.

Hi GreenBug!
What a pleasure to hear your mind!

I get that you would like your boy to interact better with groups, but I disagree that a school is better equipt to teach this lesson than you are. Your son has his own preferences, and I do encourage you to broaden his horizons, but I discourage you to "throw him in the water to learn how to swim." I remember looking to teachers for "advanced expertise" in helping "round out" my child, but was saddend to find that so many folks have so many misconceptions of our population of children, that their wisdom and experience can lead them to confidently do damage.

It's not that some teachers haven't been wonderful. But there were many many confident sounding people who mislead us severely, and mistreated our son. I would go for the thoughtful, curious, open-minded folks wherever possible.

Also, sometimes I wonder if we don't end up "pushing" in an anxious way our kids to be more social, they way other parents use academic flashcards. As an ex-gifted child myself, I was anxious about my son's ability to fit in, and focused on it.

When it came to academics, a was able to relaxedly invite my son to follow my mind, and just as relaxedly let go when the interest wasn't there, trusting that it would develop in it's own time. Quite a contrast to my approach towards "socialization." Remember the Rodney Dangerfield joke about the parent's tying meat around the kid's neck so that the dogs would play with him? LOL! Quite a difference.

What if you could be completely confident that if you introduce you son to enough social situations, relaxedly enough, that, when he was ready, that he would partake at his own speed? So what if other kids develop along one common path - you already know that your child is different.

Yah! GreenBug - I agree that it would be nice if you could do it this year before the money becomes an issue next year! I think this is reasonable, once they've met you and him.
Trinity

this was a difficult point for me to express. On one hand, I didn't allow my son to watch Disney Feature Films until age 5, when eveyone else thought I was crazy, so I very much support the idea of emotional readiness as a seperate issue from academic readingess. OTOH, I tried to advance this question to see you were going to run into the kind of "cookbook thinking" that says - Harry Potter is too intense for children under the age of 8. This 4 year old boy came to school with this innapropriate book tucked under his arm. I am the teacher, and I KNOW that this is damaging, so I will make a rule that none of the preschool kids are allowed to read HP in my classroom. Nevermind that the parents must be aware of what their child is reading - I know better. I'm not saying that you should let your child read HP at age 4, maybe only 20% of the 4 year olds who have the capasity to read HP would be ready emotionally - but as a parent I would like a little respect. And I certianly don't like my kid being singled out for that kind of attention without a quiet little chat with me on the side. If the teacher was trying to protect some other advanced 4 year old who wasnt' emotionally ready, I would calmly explain the HP stays home, but my experience is that this isn't how folks handle things, in general. Sad to say.

Worse yet - some teachers seem to feel that adding without manipulatives, walking without crawling, reading "early" or wanting to practice making letters at age 3 are dangerous to a child's development. Danger Will Robinson!

Please to not be naive about this. I also started with this attitude. People in general, gifted and NT, have a lot of feelings to face before they will be able to see each other clearly and recognise the difference. I don't mean to place blame, but to report on the situation "in my neck of the woods."

Wow - it was fun streching my mind in your direction!
I'm looking forward to hearing lots more about your path.
((big beaming smile))
Trinity

I am curious about what social opportunities he has had so far. It is possible that he will connect with some kids better than others.

Perhaps our experience will illustrate what I mean. By chance all my best friends had boys and so I mostly saw DS interact with boys his age. I saw him get very frustrated with them and they got frustrated with him. There was a lot of hitting and yelling and tears. He was very verbal and was not much intersted in playing guns or cars or knocking things over, which are the mainstay activities of most 3 yo boys.

Then he got into a group of girls his same age a pre-school and they got along famously because they all loved to talk and engage in imagination play. Had we only judged based on his limited experience with other boys, i would have despaired, but seeing how well he got along with all these great girls really was very reassuring. By the way, when the other boys' verbal abilities started taking off around age 5-6, they became really good friends with DS, too.

[quote=GreenBug]Trinity,
The concern about the academic shortchanging the social comes from my perception that Montessori education emphasizes independent learning.

Hello Trinity,

I have never posted here before, but I finally felt I had something to add to a discussion, so here goes. I had all three of my pg children in Montessori preschool prior to beginning our homeschooling journey. I spent a lot of time reading about Maria Montessori's philosophy and from it I derived this information. From her observations she deduced that children between the ages of 2-6 want and need independent work time. Their focus is on personal development, not social interaction. Maria Montessori observed that older children wanted and needed social learning situations, so her elementary schools are based upon learning in a group setting. I would not worry so much about social development. I believe it will come about when your son is developmentally ready, not just intellectually ready. You may want to try observing a Montessori elementary school, if you have one in your area, so that you can see the different approaches that are implemented during the periods that Maria Montessori believed they were appropriate.

HTH, Candace

Candace -
Thanks so much. I have suspected as much, when I see the lengths we parents go to for our little ones to be together under "appropriate supervision." I also think it's say how so much is set up by strict age-mates groups. I think Montessori understood the value of having mixed age groups.

So if you had a magic wand, and could make the U.S. more "gifted-friendly" what would you change?
Smiles -
Trinity