Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion worrying about death

I don't know that there is a specific time when the concern about death "should" occur. I know it happens younger and more intensely for a lot of GT kids than for ND kids. I think it's a pretty common early side-effect of GT intensity.

You ask what you should do about your DS's questioning. Well, some of this is just trial and error and depends very much upon your child. I agree that you have to try to protect your child from truths that he's not emotionally ready to hear, but I also think that if you don't tell a child as much of the truth as s/he can understand, then you start to seem dishonest to the child, and trust can be damaged. That's the last thing you want!

I always figured there was a balance between truth and brutal honesty. I guess I usually started slowly, being gentle and emotionally protective of our DS. But if he kept prodding and questioning, I figured he was telling me that he wasn't getting the answers he needed. That's when we moved to the biological discussion. It troubled him a little bit, but not nearly as much as I feared it would. It actually seemed to make sense to him, and soon after he explored this answer, the questions stopped and he seemed happy again. He wasn't actively worried anymore.

We put as positive a spin on it as possible. We stressed the fact that if people and animals didn't die, there would be no resources for other people and animals to use for life. We stressed that a lot of the great advances of humanity probably came about because we feel our mortality, something that wouldn't happen if no one died. We stressed the fact that people don't hurt anymore when they die, don't see or feel anything anymore, since that seemed to be part of what was bothering him. (Which makes sense: if you don't understand death and you see someone being buried, you would worry about what they're feeling when they're underground.) And we stressed that love doesn't die.

Another thing we did was to give DS times that were appropriate for talking about death. This seemed to help with the inappropriate blurting out of questions and fears. But in the end, I think you just kind of have to ride that out. Young kids just aren't going to be appropriate about this!

So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe he's telling you he is ready for slightly more complete answers. You can wade into it slowly--you don't have to dive into it. But if he's not letting up on the topic, I think he's probably telling you that he's not buying what you've told him. He needs more. We found that giving our DS more complete answers made sense to him at last and let him let go of the issue.

You might ask specifically him what's bothering him about death. Maybe he's verbal enough to put it into words? You don't want to get into your own version of the joke:

"Mommy where do I come from?"

Mommy launches into a lengthy explanation of the birds and the bees, complete with drawings.

The child looked at her thoughfully, and then replied, "Oh. My friend Chris comes from Cleveland."

Rachi, GS9(then 5) had a very deep understanding of what we believe as Christians. Go to your pastor, or a parent you respect in your church, and talk to them about ways to address your childs concerns. Don't let them blow you off because your child is young to be considering these things, if they are dwelling on it then they need answers to their questions.

I will say Kriston had a good story, so be sure you understand what your child is asking.

I agree. How you answer depends very much on your belief too.

Thanks again.

I think you are right kriston. I guess I just wish that sometimes the questions would just stop! It seems that he is never satisfied with the answer. It is week six of the summer holidays and my head is spinning from 24/7 non stop questioning.

Ohgrandma. Ds regularly buttonholes one of our ministers in the car park every sunday morning with his questions.

This week it is about the trinity, he is still not satisfied with the last answer. I have asked this minister to speak to him before about things that I can't answer. He is very good and patient with him.

I will speak to him again on sunday.

A lot of the problem is that there sometimes no hard and fast answers and he will not accept that. I think that is the mismatch between emotional age(four) and mental age(7+) That's a tough one to live with for both of us.

Just be aware that if the religious beliefs are made to sound like a fairy tale to them--and especially the way a lot of people who are inexperienced with GT kids speak down to kids, this can happen--the child will be learning to mistrust you. Adult religious beliefs tend to be nuanced and complex, but kids are often given a version of those beliefs that is "Disney-ized." That sanitized, cartoon-like version may not work for a GT kid.

Honesty, tempered by an understanding of your child's needs and emotional maturity, is always the best policy. So if you ask someone at the church to speak to your child, please make sure they understand your child and that they're serving the child's needs rather than spooning out oversimplified "kiddie" pap. I think that can really do more harm than good.

A good "No one knows for sure, but this is what we believe" is always a good idea, too, I think. It's honest, reassuring, stresses the family's values appropriately, and explains why our answers aren't always the greatest when it comes to this topic.

The average 4-5 year old might not understand the difference between Santa & Jesus, a gifted 4-5 or an older ND child will be asking the questions to differentiate.

Kriston said it well and she raises a very valid point about trust.

Given a questioning mind, there is room for divergence and it can occur quickly.

We had a pastor who was fine at answering questions for the most part. But, one day, when I was 8, he talked about Darwin. I went and got a book on Darwin and started asking him questions about it. It did not help him that there was a huge outcropping of limestone rock with all kinds of fossils in it next to the Church. It became clear to me that he did not know Darwin, but talked a lot about it. I can clearly recall concluding in that Church parking lot that ANYTHING anyone told me was thereon suspect and should be examined and cross-correlated.

The Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis can be used as well. They can lead to Lewis' biography and his essays on belief. Both his books and those of Tolkien deal with death and life and belief.

My son never said anything about death and we never talked about death until the day I found out that our neighbor's three-year-old son had died in their backyard swimming pool. My son, almost 4 at the time, saw that I was upset and said "Cameron is okay. He went to heaven and he's all fixed up. He went home--not to his house--to God. I saw him in the clouds." When I told him I thought he must have dreamed this he said, "No, I really saw it, before I went into the house." He also had a look in his eyes that told me he really believed what he was telling me. It gave me goosebumps.

I tried to figure out where he got the "going home to God" idea when we hadn't talked about it. I talked to the teacher of a Sunday school class he had visited a few weeks before and they had not talked about death at all.

We have learned that our DS4 wants the facts. I don't think he really understands death, and we haven't gone through any obsessing or much questioning about it yet, even though our cat died last year and a close family friend died recently. We just explain what happens to the body in a matter of fact way, and say that the soul never goes away, and that is where all the love is.

Re: religion. We don't go to church, but DS4 attends a preschool that is in a church. They do a few things related to religious holidays, but not much. DS asked about Jesus last Easter, and I told him that lots of people believe that Jesus died and then came back from the dead on Easter. He said, "Well, I don't believe THAT." I was a bit surprised at his answer, because we hadn't talked about it all before so I don't know how he could make up his mind so quickly. I do try to teach him to respect whatever anyone believes, though. I have a book that sounded good, but that we haven't read yet, describing what God means in different religions. What is God I see the author also has one on death- What is Death

We did have a period of time, when DS was 3, when he insisted that there were ghosts in our house. I said, oh, you have a pretend ghost? And he was very serious and said it was a real ghost. I think he truly believed this, and as we do live in a 125-year-old house, I guess anything's possible. As he would not quit talking about this ghost, I sat him down for a ghost talk. I said that some people believe there are ghosts and some people do not. Some people who believe in ghosts think that they just got lost on the way to heaven. I told him the next time he saw the ghost to tell it to go towards the light and then it would get to heaven. After that talk, DS never talked about the ghost again. (OK, reading through this, it all seems a bit odd, but I'm curious if any other kids have had ghost obsessions?)

I was worried about ghosts when I was a kid. We lived in a house that my mother's family had built. My mother said, well the only people who lived here who have died are your grandmother and grandfather. They loved you very much. If they are here as ghosts then the only reason I can imagine they would be in your room is to take care of you and protect you. It worked, and, in retrospect, I found that much more comforting than trying to talk me out of my fears.