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    Joined: Jun 2012
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    Hi Val - def the current school with the big kids! They were in ds class last year when he did his visits. The school has already approved his skip so we def know he’ll be in that cohort. They are just keeping him where he is for as long as possible

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    Ugh - that's a tough one.

    My huge gut reaction upon just reading the headline was "absolutely not!" You can't use one kid to their detriment, as a means to an end for the other kid. My whole being revolts at the very thought.

    But of course, your situation is way more complicated than that. So here's my two cents worth. As the parent, you have a lot more info, perspective and wisdom about the big picture and the long term. If next year for your younger is likely to go downhill as quickly and as badly as you say, then it's your responsibility as a parent to make the best decision for your child - a decision a five year old is definitely not equipped to make.

    So the question then, really, is how confident are you of your assessment of what's probably going to happen to DS next year? If you dig deep down and painfully scrutinize your own motives, are you confident that you are assessing clearly, and not retroactively justifying the move? If DD wasn't in the picture, and you just looked at where you'd want DS next year, would you still want to move him anyways? There's a big difference between he doesn't *want* to move, and he doesn't *need* to move. In the former case, I think parental expertise over-rules. In the latter, child preference becomes much more relevant.

    So then the question becomes: is it in this child's best interest to move, and the actual problem is just that he doesn't know it yet? That's a pretty simple problem to address, and an easy decision. Or is the core question that moving is a more neutral matter, and it's really more about his sister's best interest than his own? That's a harder question. Reading your description, it's not clear if you're confident in your own mind that the move is best for him for his own sake, so I think that's where you have to start. You may need more confidence that you know what the real question is.

    Despite my visceral initial reaction above, though, the reality is families have to make these kinds of choices all the time. They're just usually not presented quite as starkly as your decision here. Every time we move a kid out of their standard pathway and/ or neighbourhood school, it has impacts on the whole family. There's tons of opportunity cost, such as parent time lost to other children for transporting the moved one; loss of access to after school activities and playing; reduced family income to spend on other things, etc etc. Every time we move one kid, we have to think about both the benefits and the costs, and how those distribute, which is rarely "fairly" or evenly, particularly in the moment. The best I have been able to do is try to make sure it balances over the long term, and help my living-in-the-moment children increase their awareness of that bigger picture. I don't think you have a right or wrong answer here, as long as you are really, really honest with yourself and your family about both the short-and long-term drivers and impacts of this decision.

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    If you can really afford it (take an honest look at the sacrifices and whether they are sustainable in the long run) I would move both.
    As platypus says, I’d also take an honest look at how much worse the situation could really get for your DS and whether the new school might be as good a fit for him as for DD, but I have to say that a school deciding to meet the needs of intellectually disabled children with violent tendencies by moving them two grades down would be a huge red flag for me!
    Agree that some choices can’t be up to 5 year olds. If you feel that the more expensive school suits him well and the sacrifices don’t impact him (or other family members) unduly, I’d move them both.

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    Whether students get proper differentiation is almost 100% teacher dependent. It is very likely that next year, your son's teacher will not be as helpful (because not helpful is the norm), and then he will be in the same place your daughter is now.

    If you can swing it financially, I'd put both kids in the private school.

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    Thank you everyone - so much to think about!

    I was told by a mother who has older kids at the current school that based on past experiences ds could be moved up to the next class as early as next term to make room for new kids ( they start on their 5th bday here) I guess that would give us 6 months to see how he goes in the bigger class. This btw is how they handled dd’s skip - 6 months in each class.

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    how about negotiating with the younger sibling and giving it a try ... say ... 3months or 6 months ... chances are that this child WILL find friends quickly and like the new school but if not ... you can return to the old school ... less convenient to have two kids in different schools but they won’t kick out the older child out of the private one once they are both accepted and with the money saved you can arrange after school care or transport if needed.
    I WOULD at least insist on a trial ... I am not one to torture my kids and both of them are emotional and sensitive ... if they don’t like their school I WILL find them another option but I do make them try something that I think might be good for them . It is a compromise for all involved ... trying out a school for a few months or even one schoolyear will not be super dramatic for a young child ( and believe me ... my kids had the worst seperatiin axiety ) ... I worried myself sick over every school change and what happened every single time was ... tears the first day, an ok second day and then ... new friends, a wonderful item from the treasure box or an exiting playground and ... child was just as happy as before ...

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    Originally Posted by Flybear
    how about negotiating with the younger sibling and giving it a try ... say ... 3months or 6 months ... chances are that this child WILL find friends quickly and like the new school but if not ... you can return to the old school ... less convenient to have two kids in different schools but they won’t kick out the older child out of the private one once they are both accepted and with the money saved you can arrange after school care or transport if needed.
    Unfortunately, some of the private/independent/parochial school contracts require full payment even if the child no longer attends. Read and understand your contract.

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