Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Looking for some understanding and support

That was my idea, too, but it turns out that our oldest is pretty exceptional at sports. Proud, of course, but ended up in the same boat as before...maybe even worse since it was so visible to everyone. Trying to get him into martial arts this summer. This is more outside his comfort zone, so maybe he'll be a bit more in the mid-range. Wish us luck, lol.

I'm actually a research psychologist, so I don't do therapy or work with adults. My husband teaches developmental psychology. I used to nanny and have a wide range of childcare experience, so I have a very good sense of how different, and exhausting, our oldest is. His area of peak interest is social and interpersonal stuff (motives, causation, etc.) so he's always "on" and there's no way to get away from people doing things that sparks his interest.

It's funny, and terrifying, that you brought up manipulation, because he excels at it. He learned to lie before 2 and is now a pro. He - in very positive ways - has learned that he can get his whole class to do what he wants (Reggio programs are child-driven), which has shocked his teachers. They actually love it, as he has gotten a lot of the kids interested in the alphabet, writing their names, etc. because that's what he wants to do. He will try to get us to help with his chores by framing it as a pro-social, communal activity.

Working on manipulation is definitely a topic that we will continue to work on!

Little buggers are so cute and smart. But we did not get to skip potty training. Don't feel like you missed out!! LOL!

We are so on the same page! There's a giant box in my living room right now And we're currently working through a couple different nature documentaries. We have a token/reward system set up that drastically limits screen time, so those will last us a while.
We are already looking into taekwondo. He is opposed to it right now, because of the uniform, but I'm working on him. There are so many positive benefits related to learning, following directions, and, because of where we live and his love of correcting others, I want to make sure he can defend himself.

Even the GT population only includes a small minority of true polymaths...eventually you'll find something that he has to work at.

And just because you and SO know all of the theory about child development (and even have experience with other people's children), it doesn't mean your own children won't find inventive ways of wearing you out! I'm a school psych, and I was such a parenting expert until I had children...

And I prefer to reframe that behavior as "negotiation"--a skill that can be used for good, to develop win-win solutions, and "inspiration"--the ability to help other people to be their best selves, singly or in concert. Extinguishing the behavior is much more difficult than harnessing it. Especially since, if he's this effective with his current approach, it will be very challenging to introduce and maintain a replacement behavior that is more functional.

I think it is very important even with very small kids to set boundaries- and it is even more important with gifted kids. Gifted kids NEED to learn to play on their own, and occupy/enrich themselves and not get away with manipulation - they need to also learn when it is appropriate to ask those million questions and when parents need " time out" ... I grew up in a smart family and have two very bright kids but from an early age we learned that parents need " me" time... Gifted kids have a million interests and questions and it always feels bad to tell a curious child " no honey - no more questions- you can ask more questions later " because we do want our kids to be enriched and challenged and learning. However - there is never an " enough" with gifted kids ...they will always be intense- I am completely honest with my kids and tell them when they are getting too exhausting ... I let them know when I reach my limits and I think this has helped them with their social skills with other people as well. Our kids are smart enough to learn to respect us the way we respect them. Yes I will answer your first 10 questions ... yes I will do this project with you for the next hour ( not 5 ) and very importantly ... moms and dad's need to re-charge their batteries sometimes- so today between 5 and 6 - mom is reading in her room - alone - without anyone coming in ;-) !

No need to apologize.

I am talking about both manipulation and negotiation/inspiration, actually. They involve overlapping skill sets, used in different ways: reading and accurately interpreting other people's emotional profiles, needs, motivations, etc., and then employing that understanding to achieve a purpose. One includes the interests of the other person, and one does not. Rather than viewing it as a a behavior to be extinguished, I find it more productive for myself to view it as a value-neutral skill set which can be turned to either prosocial or antisocial uses.

So glad to hear that! We definitely set boundaries, but it's hard to say no to more books, no to more questions, and our oldest always tries to negotiate for "just one more" question/book please, please, please. We still say no and stick to it, but there's always a bit of guilt involved. We've had to institute a no questions in the bathroom policy, which is going over about as you'd expect with a blanket no-questions rule with a gifted kid but seriously just get done in the bathroom before you ask about squid. The squid can wait!

We have behavioral strategies, like "put it on your finger" (holding up your finger so we see) when you have a question but someone else is talking. That helps a bit.

We talk about needing time alone. Of course, he tries to use that against us. Also, when it's convenient for him, he'll remind us that "he's still little and needs us."

I love how fast they learn but I sometimes feel like every skill they gain they try to use as a weapon. He's very into super heroes right now and we've been talking about pro-social behavior in that context (and villains who choose to use their powers against people) and how manipulating people is not something heroes do.

Related to that, I sometimes have a hard time balancing the intellect and the maturity. It's hard not to expect too much from this little person. A frequent refrain in our house is "he's 3, he's only 3 and his executive functioning hasn't developed" (whispered to one another with an empathetic arm pat).

I think that is a really important way to frame this particular problem from a parenting perspective, CallMeJo.

We spent a lot of years/effort in emphasizing that just because you COULD manipulate people, allowing them free will and autonomy is-- well, it's just the morally right thing to do, even if you can see that they'd be better off if you... well, steered them just a teeeeeeeensy bit, you know, just for their own good.

This doesn't even get into the ethically unambiguous territory of being prone to doing it for one's own benefit (at the expense of others) or worst of all, for malicious entertainment. Luckily, neither of those has ever been a problem with our DD, but I could see that with a different child, wow-- scary, scary territory, that.

DD sometimes still struggles with this sense of passively "engineering" better outcomes for others, and she's nearing the end of her undergraduate years, so it's always a work in progress, I expect.

And yes, the executive function and asynchrony is one of the harder things about this particular set of parenting challenges. I'm going to be so glad once DD finally "catches up" to her adult self. It's been a long two decade waiting game, and the ground under us (and her) changes continuously, but there has never been and will never be any rule book.

We just have to remember that. She is an outlier. Nobody else is better equipped to deal with this, any more than we are. We know her pattern of asynchrony better than anyone else, and we parent the person that we have in front of us, and the future outcomes that we can see (and feel, at a gut level) are most likely with particular decision-making.