Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Looking for some understanding and support

Hi! I just registered with this site because, like many of you, I want (or maybe I should say need) to find people who can relate to our family's experience.

My husband and I are both very bright and expected our children would be also. However, even with our education in psychology, we often find ourselves overwhelmed by our young children. The oldest, who is nearly 4, is clearly above average and the endless stream of questions, arguing, and attempts at manipulation are exhausting. Though recent behavioral interventions have gone far in helping him be more flexible, which has helped ease the overreactions and emotional sensitivity experienced by so many gifted kids. Now the baby, who is less than a year, is showing signs of being VERY bright. She has well over 30 words, is stringing words together, does her best to sing the ABCs with accompanying ASL (the only thing holding her back is her lack of muscle coordination), and is identifying colors verbally.

As parents, we are trying to just accept that this is them, rather than label them...and at this age that's appropriate. They are both in a Reggio Emilia program, which is wonderful and is meeting their current needs. But, to be blunt, it's scary and isolating. There is no one to commiserate with about how letting my preschooler watch a movie takes an extra 30-60 minutes because of all the questions, plus there are weeks of detailed questions about motive/plot/social interactions that follow. Our extended family just tells us they expected our kids would be smart, and there is no understanding of why we might be worried that our youngest is showing signs of being even brighter than her brother.

To be honest, I feel like I will never have quiet or free time again. Please tell me that isn't the case! I recognize that they are very young and that, in itself, can be difficult. But I also am very cognizant that there will be much bigger problems (academic, social, advocacy needs, etc.) as they grow, and as they are revealing more of themselves and their abilities I am becoming more and more anxious.

In short, someone, please, talk me down! LOL!

Welcome!

Given your backgrounds, I expect you know that some of what you are experiencing is just developmentally-appropriate (I mean for your developmental stage as parents!), with the added layer of highly verbal and inquisitive tiny people. Yes, you will sleep again some day. Yes, you will have quiet and free time again some day. But probably not for many years.

Actually, I think a lot of us find that once children become independent readers, the constant demands for information and stimulation change; some of those needs can be met with a stream of books.

And I would encourage you to think about why you are worried about a younger child being even brighter, or about future concerns. I am not downplaying the very real complexities of parenting a GT child--just suggesting that there is plenty to take care of in the moment; no need to borrow trouble. There are as many joys in parenting (any child, not just GT) as there are sorrows--more joys, I believe. (And I say this as someone whose extremely darling adolescent is giving me small fits at this very moment!) Enjoy the delights of these years while you can.

Welcome! It is incredibly intimidating in the early years when you realize that your children aren't just a bit bright. I found those early preschool/baby years the most daunting, since it was clear that my kids were different but not clear how that would look in school.

Even without any added layers of verbal inquisitiveness, a three-year-old and a baby are exhausting. It's a season of life that takes a lot out of you, but this too shall pass. Like Portia, our kids started having Quiet Time as soon as they stopped napping, and it was a good time for everyone to recharge, even the kids.

I'll add as well that I've watched my younger son develop and learn even faster than my oldest, who is already the talk of the school and the best in all areas. Yet, I've found it easier with my younger one, because I already know what works more or less, which battles to fight for, and what to let go. They have each other, too, so my boys will quiz each other with math problems, or my older boy will help the younger one.

Having an even brighter little one doesn't necessarily mean a repeat of your experience with your oldest. Our youngest is an introvert and demands much less social interaction than the oldest.

Try to carve some quiet time into your day. Set boundaries, even with your baby, for sleep. You can use their abilities to your advantage and teach them to read a clock early on.

While you're in the busy baby season, let your worries go about the future. The problems a three-year-old has behaviorally or socially may be resolved by school age, and new issues may arise. My older boy had some major transition issues as a four-year-old, and our wonderful school made a plan for helping him adjust to the next school year. He somehow matured over the summer and came into school after the two month break as one of the most mature kids in the class. Solve the problems you have now, and avoid anticipating problems.

It does get better. Much, much better. Particularly when the kids are old enough to get the TV on in the morning when they wake up at 6 a.m.

I can relate to being afraid of a younger sibling being brighter than the older. Mine are 10 and almost-2. DS2 is not as advanced as yours (dare I say "thank god"? I'm thinking it! LOL!), but he's developing faster than DS10 was at that age. DS10 is such a puzzle and so difficult academically, that I'm very concerned how to manage them both!

I'm beginning to love a portable DVD player. DS2 is done with naps already (nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but he has afternoon quiet time with a documentary or nature DVD from the library.

Montessori books have helped me a lot to give him plenty of "practical life" skill practice. There's also teaching children to be do their tasks independently and not intruding upon each other.

I understand the isolation too. I picked up a flyer for a homeschool group, but then decided to not contact them -- more social connections is more risk. Their 10 year olds will be learning long division. Mine is dividing polynomials. There's no common ground in homeschooling.

I consciously have taught my kids to be independent enough that I can get a bit of quiet time to recharge. Like PP said, turn naptime into quiet time.

This sounds a bit silly, but rearranging my furniture weekly seems to reduce some of the demand DS2 has on me. Novelty?

Teaching chores early can help with intellectual stimulation and lightening your load. DS2 folds wash cloths and sort socks, tries to wash the patio door, tries to water plants. DS10 is cooking supper for me right now. :bliss:

I agree with the art station suggestion above. DS2 is finally past writing on the walls (YES!!!!), and I can leave crayons and paper out for him. Watercolor paints and scissors too when I'm feeling brave. I put art supplies on a cart that I can roll out of reach when I'm not able to supervise.

LOTS OF TIME OUTDOORS! Really does wonders. Find a safe place where you can let them roam with little supervision. Let them off the metaphorical leash and let them wander and play outside with as little direction as possible. They get fabulously tired and focused after outdoor play!

I'd also suggest that high intelligence is not a demand to give more than a family is able to provide. I can only do as much as I can in my rural community, with mostly social isolation, with 2 children to divide my time between, limited internet access, and with chronic illness. We do our best, and that's all.

(((Hugs)))

Another vote for quiet time. My boys rooms were next to each other and so we ended up with a no noises with toys rule during quiet time. The timer was set in the kitchen and you could sleep if you wanted to (I did)....reading, writing, drawing, no noise playing were all allowed. Headphones for music or books on tape.

Oh how beautiful quiet time was.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

It�s just nice to hear from other parents who have similar struggles. Much of this has been reassuring to hear what we are doing and planning has worked for others � we have rest time, art and activity stations, and are building some outdoor structures for physical play. The Reggio program is only during the academic year, so we are planning activities for summer, though options are limited where we live (what I wouldn�t give for a museum!). My son is determined to learn to read over the summer�I cannot imagine how much time that will open up for us once he�s mastered that skill! [insert cautious optimism that he�s not overly frustrated during the learning process]

Seeing differing perspectives on having two children, one of which is moving forward so quickly, is interesting. I do find her rapid progress intimidating. Part of that is her personality, as she is already much more challenging than my son ever was when denied what she wants; but is the happiest baby ever otherwise . Part of my concern is the social aspect, which is sure to be more difficult as disparities increase between our children and other kids. Not just for our children but also for ourselves. I catch myself focusing on the negative to other parents because at least that�s common ground, but that does a disservice to my kids and myself. Also, the more advanced they are, the more involved we will need to be in their education, be it through online tools, resources, etc. as there are limited options in our area.

All that said, I love my kids and am insanely proud of them. I just identified a need to find other people who �get� it and the unique challenges we are just starting to face. So thank you!

I would agree with much of what everyone else has said. The second child will have the oldest to answer questions and have conversations with. Keeping them stimulated can be an issue, and trying to find something that is NOT electronic is necessary. My oldest loves documentaries, and while he enjoys learning from them, he stays much more stimulated creating things with a cardboard box. It's too easy to get our own peace by sitting them with a "learning" form of electronics, however they have to learn at an early age how to entertain themselves and stimulate themselves. Drawing, puzzles, creating things, building with lego's, snap circuits (when older) are great alternatives. Gifted kids can master skills and topics so quickly, they need to learn how to problem solve and create.
One of my concerns was an inability to learn (since in school they already know most things), so I put my oldest in taekwondo, and that kid has had to learn how to learn!! Music lessons can do the same.

The support and information provided by this community has been invaluable for our family. I understand the feeling of isolation. Our two have been accelerated (in different ways), which certainly makes them and us different. However, as time goes by, we have discovered similar children and thus parents with whom we can talk openly. So far, that has happened at gifted workshops the kiddos have attended at a nearby university (we even saw someone from our town there... We had no idea they have an exceptionally gifted child) and with two coworkers who have older children who also were accelerated. People are out there, many are just a bit undercover...

Oh! We have recently benefited from our second one learning chess... So now they can quietly play each other.

With regard to parental community, as your children develop their areas of interest, you may also find common ground with other parents around activities in which your children are not necessarily exceptional, but that still bring them joy. For instance, among our children's favored activities are dance and sports, at which they are no better than the high end of the average range (and I'm pretty sure that's only through my optimistic parental lens!). They participate with no expectation on our part of anything in particular beyond exercise, teamwork, healthy competition (for the ones who enjoy that sort of thing), and learning to work for something. In those fields, they are much like other children their age, and we have common experiences and conversational topics with the other parents.

That was my idea, too, but it turns out that our oldest is pretty exceptional at sports. Proud, of course, but ended up in the same boat as before...maybe even worse since it was so visible to everyone. Trying to get him into martial arts this summer. This is more outside his comfort zone, so maybe he'll be a bit more in the mid-range. Wish us luck, lol.

I'm actually a research psychologist, so I don't do therapy or work with adults. My husband teaches developmental psychology. I used to nanny and have a wide range of childcare experience, so I have a very good sense of how different, and exhausting, our oldest is. His area of peak interest is social and interpersonal stuff (motives, causation, etc.) so he's always "on" and there's no way to get away from people doing things that sparks his interest.

It's funny, and terrifying, that you brought up manipulation, because he excels at it. He learned to lie before 2 and is now a pro. He - in very positive ways - has learned that he can get his whole class to do what he wants (Reggio programs are child-driven), which has shocked his teachers. They actually love it, as he has gotten a lot of the kids interested in the alphabet, writing their names, etc. because that's what he wants to do. He will try to get us to help with his chores by framing it as a pro-social, communal activity.

Working on manipulation is definitely a topic that we will continue to work on!

Little buggers are so cute and smart. But we did not get to skip potty training. Don't feel like you missed out!! LOL!

We are so on the same page! There's a giant box in my living room right now And we're currently working through a couple different nature documentaries. We have a token/reward system set up that drastically limits screen time, so those will last us a while.
We are already looking into taekwondo. He is opposed to it right now, because of the uniform, but I'm working on him. There are so many positive benefits related to learning, following directions, and, because of where we live and his love of correcting others, I want to make sure he can defend himself.

Even the GT population only includes a small minority of true polymaths...eventually you'll find something that he has to work at.

And just because you and SO know all of the theory about child development (and even have experience with other people's children), it doesn't mean your own children won't find inventive ways of wearing you out! I'm a school psych, and I was such a parenting expert until I had children...

And I prefer to reframe that behavior as "negotiation"--a skill that can be used for good, to develop win-win solutions, and "inspiration"--the ability to help other people to be their best selves, singly or in concert. Extinguishing the behavior is much more difficult than harnessing it. Especially since, if he's this effective with his current approach, it will be very challenging to introduce and maintain a replacement behavior that is more functional.

I think it is very important even with very small kids to set boundaries- and it is even more important with gifted kids. Gifted kids NEED to learn to play on their own, and occupy/enrich themselves and not get away with manipulation - they need to also learn when it is appropriate to ask those million questions and when parents need " time out" ... I grew up in a smart family and have two very bright kids but from an early age we learned that parents need " me" time... Gifted kids have a million interests and questions and it always feels bad to tell a curious child " no honey - no more questions- you can ask more questions later " because we do want our kids to be enriched and challenged and learning. However - there is never an " enough" with gifted kids ...they will always be intense- I am completely honest with my kids and tell them when they are getting too exhausting ... I let them know when I reach my limits and I think this has helped them with their social skills with other people as well. Our kids are smart enough to learn to respect us the way we respect them. Yes I will answer your first 10 questions ... yes I will do this project with you for the next hour ( not 5 ) and very importantly ... moms and dad's need to re-charge their batteries sometimes- so today between 5 and 6 - mom is reading in her room - alone - without anyone coming in ;-) !

No need to apologize.

I am talking about both manipulation and negotiation/inspiration, actually. They involve overlapping skill sets, used in different ways: reading and accurately interpreting other people's emotional profiles, needs, motivations, etc., and then employing that understanding to achieve a purpose. One includes the interests of the other person, and one does not. Rather than viewing it as a a behavior to be extinguished, I find it more productive for myself to view it as a value-neutral skill set which can be turned to either prosocial or antisocial uses.

So glad to hear that! We definitely set boundaries, but it's hard to say no to more books, no to more questions, and our oldest always tries to negotiate for "just one more" question/book please, please, please. We still say no and stick to it, but there's always a bit of guilt involved. We've had to institute a no questions in the bathroom policy, which is going over about as you'd expect with a blanket no-questions rule with a gifted kid but seriously just get done in the bathroom before you ask about squid. The squid can wait!

We have behavioral strategies, like "put it on your finger" (holding up your finger so we see) when you have a question but someone else is talking. That helps a bit.

We talk about needing time alone. Of course, he tries to use that against us. Also, when it's convenient for him, he'll remind us that "he's still little and needs us."

I love how fast they learn but I sometimes feel like every skill they gain they try to use as a weapon. He's very into super heroes right now and we've been talking about pro-social behavior in that context (and villains who choose to use their powers against people) and how manipulating people is not something heroes do.

Related to that, I sometimes have a hard time balancing the intellect and the maturity. It's hard not to expect too much from this little person. A frequent refrain in our house is "he's 3, he's only 3 and his executive functioning hasn't developed" (whispered to one another with an empathetic arm pat).

I think that is a really important way to frame this particular problem from a parenting perspective, CallMeJo.

We spent a lot of years/effort in emphasizing that just because you COULD manipulate people, allowing them free will and autonomy is-- well, it's just the morally right thing to do, even if you can see that they'd be better off if you... well, steered them just a teeeeeeeensy bit, you know, just for their own good.

This doesn't even get into the ethically unambiguous territory of being prone to doing it for one's own benefit (at the expense of others) or worst of all, for malicious entertainment. Luckily, neither of those has ever been a problem with our DD, but I could see that with a different child, wow-- scary, scary territory, that.

DD sometimes still struggles with this sense of passively "engineering" better outcomes for others, and she's nearing the end of her undergraduate years, so it's always a work in progress, I expect.

And yes, the executive function and asynchrony is one of the harder things about this particular set of parenting challenges. I'm going to be so glad once DD finally "catches up" to her adult self. It's been a long two decade waiting game, and the ground under us (and her) changes continuously, but there has never been and will never be any rule book.

We just have to remember that. She is an outlier. Nobody else is better equipped to deal with this, any more than we are. We know her pattern of asynchrony better than anyone else, and we parent the person that we have in front of us, and the future outcomes that we can see (and feel, at a gut level) are most likely with particular decision-making.