Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Would you change schools?

My DD was in public school, K-2 and was often in trouble for melt downs, arguing with the teacher, and refusing to do work. We pulled her out and put her in a gifted school last July for 3rd grade. However, the school suddenly shut down in December, and we had two weeks to find a new solution. Her behaviors didn't improve at the gifted school, so we chose a therapeutic school for kids with emotional problems.

The new school is PreK-5, but only goes to 3rd this year because they don't have 4th/5th. Her class is maxed out at 10 kids, none of whom are gifted, and all of whom have emotional/behavioral issues. The school has a psychoanalytic approach rather than CBT, is staffed with psychologists, and the kids are required to see a therapist 2x a week as part of the school's wrap around support.

My kid hates it. She doesn't have friends, she hates her therapist, and she's distraught by the chaos of the kids in her class. She's pinching/punching herself, calling herself an idiot, feeling isolated, and says she needs to be taught another way. She's begging for homeschooling. She's verbally gifted and is being given harder spelling words, but that's the extent of the differentiation, and no one at the school has experience with giftedness.

DH and the therapist think things will improve, and that she's going through a rough period now because she's having to work through her emotions. They think it's an improvement that she's calling herself an idiot because before, she'd just meltdown and not use words to describe how she felt about her perfectionism. She's doing a tad more work than she's done at other schools, but still doesn't do a whole lot of it, is still emotionally explosive, and still argues with teachers. DH thinks that while some gifted kids do better with more challenging material, she won't; that her behaviors will not improve with a different educational approach or environment. He thinks she has to be able to do all the work put in front of her to the best of her ability, without complaining, or arguing with the teacher, and have good classroom behavior before we can consider giving her more challenging work. He thinks I put too much emphasis on the giftedness and not enough on the deficits. And, he strongly believes that if we homeschool, she'll still refuse to do any work.

My gut tells me that he's wrong, but I don't have research to back up his thinking or mine. Is there a certain percentage of kids with high IQs who are more successful when they deal with their behavioral issues to the exclusion of their academic needs? Are her behaviors and lack of motivation outside the realm of "normal" gifted behaviors, and if not, how do we address them so that she's doing schoolwork without the self-hate?

I know every kid is different, so here's some info:
- the gap between processing speed and verbal is 57 points (WISC-V)
- dx with ADHD
- dx with ASD, but we both think it's a misdiagnosis
- dx with ODD, but we both think it's a misdiagnosis
- bibliophile
- poor fine and gross motor (can't ride a bike, writing is difficult)
- completely unmotivated to do anything except read fiction or create dictate-to-scribe books (I've typed hundreds of pages of books she's "written" orally)
- highly anxious

My DS has a slightly bigger gap in processing speed and verbal. He also has an LD dx (written expression).

We ran into several teachers that refused to differentiate until he behaved and/or academically looked what they thought a gifted kid should look like (ie more high achieving). It was painful for everyone involved. In grade 4 we moved him into an HG(ish)+ program where he's thriving (currently in gr 5). I don't have sources at the moment but most of the research I did at the time seemed to agree on focusing on their strengths while accommodating for weaknesses. In our DS's case that was definitely the case. Our first PTI at the new school we thought she must have been talking about a different kid - it was a shocking contrast to his previous 5 years of interviews.

We were at the point where we were considering anything and everything. We were looking into private schools and homeschooling if he wasn't accepted into this program or if it didn't end up being a good match. We still might in future years. The one thing I have gained in this adventure is more trust in my gut and less tolerance of waiting and hoping things will improve. I will add that DH was not supportive at first of the move but within 3 weeks he was 100% on board. Even my mom who is a retired teacher who strongly believes in the do what you're told philosophy has become the biggest supporter of our decision. She visited a few months in and made several comments about how he was a whole new kid (this is quite a shocking turnaround from her previous stance on gifted kids/education).

Obviously, that is one kid and YMMV. I would also suggest "The Explosive Child". It really helped us on our adventure with DS.

It sounds like yes, it's time to change schools - but also sounds like your dd might benefit from a more thorough understanding of her challenges. That's a large gap between processing speed and verbal IQ, and you've also noted she has challenges with fine and gross motor. I can't diagnose (either online or in person - I'm only a parent lol!), but fwiw, my ds has a similar large processing speed dip as well as gross and fine motor challenges - he's diagnosed with Developmental Coordination Disorder, dysgraphia and also has an expressive language challenge. When he was in elementary school, prior to diagnosis, he refused to complete classroom work that we knew he was *way* ahead of in terms of his cognitive understanding. The key is really understanding what's happening that's triggering behavior. Getting an accurate diagnosis helped us tremendously, as well as our ds' increasing ability to communicate what was bothering him as he got older. I mention the Developmental Coordination Disorder because some of the symptoms overlap with both ADHD and ASD - I'm not sure why you've questioned those diagnoses, but if it's been several years since your dd has had an evaluation that looks at the whole child, not at one specific diagnosis, it might be a good idea to consider another eval. If you feel confident with the evals you've had and feel confident that you know how to properly remediate and accommodate, then ignore all of what I said

JMO, but I think there's a middle ground between where I think you're at (get her into a gifted and challenging program and things will get better) and where I think your dh is at (she needs to learn how to cope with academics where she's at before you put her in a gifted program)... you need to understand what her challenges are and what tools she can use in a classroom to either work through them or get around them, then put her in an environment where she can be successful while learning to work with her accommodations, and that will open up a world of opportunities for her to then be placed with intellectually gifted peers. Hope that makes sense.

Best wishes,

polarbear

It must be nearly the end of year where you are. If homeschooling is an option in your place I would be tempted to take the rest of the year and summer off and do fun stuff. Have a structure if you need one (my kids would) but make it activities you enjoy, lots of reading and pkenty of outside time and extercise. She doesn't sound like a kid who will ever benefit from a choatic, noisy environment with insufficient academic challenge - to be honest I can't see who would.