Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Mentoring

DD11's psch. has recommended that we find a mentor for DD. I was on the Hoagie's site looking for guidance and most of the links did not work. Many also related to finding a math mentor which is not what we need. I would like to hear some stories of how you all found a mentor for your DD or DS.
DD's interests are art (would be a great political cartoonist!), history, science. She's a non-stop doodler (even on her arms and legs!!) and sketcher but also absorbs mass quantities of science and history via the web and books.

What are the psych's goals for the mentorship? Would the psych and mentor become a team, sharing information? Has the psych shared a checklist of signs which would indicate the mentorship is "working" (or conversely, is not helping your child)?

- Are you looking for an in-person mentor or someone with whom she might develop an online connection across some distance?
- Are you looking for a paid, professional relationship?
(Or possibly just other adults who may take an interest in her pursuits... the types of relationships which some children may experience from aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, in an extended family?)
- Are you looking for someone working in a specific field (such as political cartooning) who may discuss with your DD what path they took to arrive at their current position?
- What length of time are you hoping for this mentorship to last?

Did you notify Hoagies of any broken links? Polite feedback and a "heads-up" helps to build the gifted community and keep it strong. Without both give and take, there is no "community"... only demands which can overwhelm any system in place.

Extensions of parental relationships: coworkers, friends of friends, neighbors, and extended family can provide mentorship, depending upon what you are looking for and the type of relationships you may already have with those you come in contact with.

A child with a strong interest in a particular area may attend community events, book signings, lectures/presentations, etc, and develop the ability to strike up a conversation with a known "expert" such as a book author, college/university professor, etc, who may be interested in mentoring. (This would typically apply to older children, but when the subject is a gifted child, I tend to set age aside.)

In my observation and experience, children who do best with a mentor may be those who are positive, respectful, open to new ideas, forge healthy relationships, are flexible, and strongly internally motivated... who see bumps in the road as something routine, to be expected, and to learn from, therefore do not catastrophize or "fall to pieces", but take things in stride. In a word: undaunted.

The Davidson database includes information on mentoring:
- Webpage of many resources on the topic of mentoring
- Guidebook overview webpage
- Guidebook PDF

DD has struggled socially. The psych (turns out she has been a speaker at the SENG conferences!!)thinks a mentor would be a much better idea than a social skills group. So - goal = socializing in an older cousin-type situation. This person would share similar passions as DD. Your questions are helping me clarify in my mind what I am looking for - thank you!!! I don't have a specific time line.

I have thought about the people we know, and I can't think of anyone! It's all politicians, mental health and math people in our circles. I need to start looking at art and journalism departments. I have been thinking of a college age girl. An "out of the box" thinker who loves "Mad Magazine" and has a sense of humor like DD.

Probably the only thing in this list that applies to DD is "internally motivated". I can understand the polite factor - but why "undaunted"?

If the goal (or a main goal) of the mentorship is the development of DD's social skills, some may say that a person in an established career (therefore with proven, demonstrated skills in successfully building relationships and working with others) may be a more qualified socials skills coach than a college age student?

You did not mention whether this would be a paid mentorship; While I'm familiar with college-age babysitters, tutors, and nannies, it seems the child often has the upper hand in these relationships and may frequently threaten to fire the college student when the college student gives advice, sets limits, etc., which the child may not like.

If you are determined to have a college-age mentor to assist in the development of your DD's social skills, you may wish to make a well-thought-out list (possibly with the help of the psych) as to the skills you wish to have directly taught, role-modeled, etc... as it appears from your posts that your child may be one who does not pick up on interpersonal skills by casual observation in daily life situations (as some would say: does not learn "by osmosis").

Also consider whether you want the social skills development to follow a certain approach, such as social thinking, perspective taking, theory of mind, etc.

In a nutshell, mentees who are undaunted may tend to be successful because this entails qualities such as being dedicated to making things work, building a positive and healthy relationship, learning from the mentor, remaining realistic, taking responsibility for one's own communication/actions/responses/reactions... rather than catastrophizing or "falling to pieces" when encountering any of life's little disappointments... turning on the mentor or blaming the mentor.

Put another way, the mentor/mentee relationship must work for both people... both parties would benefit. A mentee who may be negative, emotionally needy, easily discouraged, or chronically disappointed may be a poor risk for any mentor to take on. For example, such a mentee may drain the mentor's energy, detract from their own goals, damage their reputation, etc.

Linking to a blog hop by Gifted Homeschoolers Forum (GHF): Gifted Children and the Role of Mentors.

Have you seen this relatively new resource linked in the Davidson Database?

Science Buddies: How to Find a Mentor is written for high-school students but some of the ideas may apply to middle-school students as well.

I am looking for a mentor for our DD as well. While she has got through some of the worst of the middle school experience it has apparently been at the expense of her drive.

The reasons ought to be obvious - a solid role model who isn't a parent is very beneficial to a kid on the cusp of adolescence.

I am not hung up about it having to be a woman myself, from an intellectual perspective, as we have raised our DD not to feel even the slightest zephyr of constraint due to her sex. I do, however, feel that an intelligent girl's adolescent experience can be tortuous especially in terms of the cattiness and pressure to be a vacuous, pretty airhead.

Somebody not a parent who has successfully forged ahead and an either dodged or anihillated these obstacles during this important phase of development who is also willing and able to share lessons learned would be a very, very dear ally for our DD.