Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS so unhappy and unable to articulate why

My DS 12 is so unhappy this year in grade 7. Social things and school work. He has been home sick often - avoiding and perhaps physical manifestations of stress.

I'm concerned and the school is too. I try to have him explain what we could do in the school setting to make things better (as well as coaching him on how to deal with social issues). He can't explain what he wants/needs for learning. Perhaps that's age appropriate but when you mix that in with his desire to not stand out it leaves our hands tied in how to fix it.

The social issues don't seem severe (the comments other kids make aren't extreme) but he feels things deeper than the average kid so a sarcastic remark can really derail him. Also, his over reaction puzzles the other kids. He is miserable.

I am meeting with his teacher and the special needs counselor soon but don't know what to say/ask for or even if they can do anything. The Ministry of Education report/mandate for gifted kids is pretty wide open. Though I'm sure the reality of scarce resources makes it difficult for the teachers to actually do much of it.

An option is distributed learning - basically school at home with a teacher supervising - remotely. It works for me as I work at home. It might be perfect for him but I'm afraid it will be a comfy hiding spot and won't allow him to work through things. That said, perhaps we'd all be miserable if put back into grade 7 even with our current skills.

Also, high school starts next year for him (grade 8 here). Would like him to go as it might be a wonderful world for him. Afraid that allowing him to pull away will make it harder for him to go.

Thoughts? Can't figure out what he needs, afraid to pull him out of his social world and want him to get excited about learning again.

So sorry to hear your DS is going through this. For me (and, I believe, for many), grade 7 / age 12 is one of the hardest years to get through. Everyone is trying to minimize their differences, but everything previously that was fairly constant (peers, likes and dislikes, social groups, emotions, interacting with others) gets thrown out the window and you have to figure it all out again... pretty much from scratch. This is also the age that many children (particularly the self-aware ones) begin to mourn the loss of their childhood. It sucks, but it's normal, it's okay... and it's important for him to know that.

The good news is that it does settle down again and it does get better. Grade 8 for me was a step up from terrible, and by the time high school hit (grade 9), things were passable.

I hope that helps!

I should mention that he tested in the 99th percentile, has a history of anxiety but has generally been a happy go lucky, outgoing kid, interested in art, math, music. Anxiety seemed to subside after finding success in school.

Up until about last Spring he seemed to be quite happy. The school has a gifted pull out program once a week and doesn't accommodate much after that. I know he has been under challenged in math but really enjoys creative writing and generally seemed to enjoy most things.

That said he is difficult to read and this may have been building for some time. Sigh.

George - thanks for your insight. I think you're right. I have talked to him about how it is a difficult stage. He has an older brother who went through this in grade 8.

That said, not sure what to do with his misery and withdrawal and wanting to stay home everyday.

It's exhausting and he's not learning much. It also isn't a good pattern to start.

Is he with all of the same classmates this year, or does he have to get to know a whole host of kids? Grade 7 for me was "junior high" style, meaning it was the first year being combined with other elementary schools into one location. I think that made it worse than if I had known the same kids during this time.

He's with the same kids - no junior high here. K to 7 then 8 to 12. I much preferred the 7-9 junior high system.

But there is more testosterone and posturing this year. It actually seemed to start ramping up last Spring.

I'm going to go with the it does get better.

For my DS16 (11th grade) it was the second half of 6th and most of 7th where he was miserable. Although for my son 7th was better as he had been seeing a therapist for his anxiety & depression.

What I did was he did have him go to school. But I didn't push any extra curricular activities and gave him some space outside school. (He was in band but that was in school.) I let him withdraw partly to keep his sanity. He is introverted and I felt that all day of school was enough social activity for him at that time. But he did attend therapy and that helped. He did have a rough 9th grade as well but as I posted a month or so back. He is now in 11th grade (junior in H.S.) is going so much better. He is involved in clubs and activities and his attitude towards life is so much better.

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your DS and I hope it gets better soon.

Grade 7 was a special kind of hell for me. Sensitive, gifted kid. Just making it through each day was a challenge and it seems like a fog even trying to remember it now. I learned nothing that year, but I did actually go to school every day, which I now recognize as an accomplishment by itself!

My parents used to worry and wonder out loud about me and that made me feel even worse. I think it would have really helped if someone had told me that it's normal and it would get better if I kept putting one foot in front of the other.

I don't know if it would have been better if I'd stayed home for a year or until high school, but like you I wonder if in my case that might have caused me to withdraw even more.

Personally, if my son were in this situation (and he's basically me, emotionally, so I'm guessing he will someday), I wouldn't worry about how excited he was about learning or about what he was learning. I would probably just try to support as much emotionally and socially and know the learning will come when he's back to a good place. But maybe that's too extreme?

Good luck! I really wish all of us could just skip 7th grade!

Thanks for your advice Blue Magic and Angie. It does seem like he needs to work his way through it to get to the other side and it's heartening to hear that yours (blue magic) did just that. It's hard to watch him suffer. I remember a handful of painful moments quite clearly myself so they must have made a serious impression on me.

The meeting with the school went really well actually. Logistics still need to be figured out but they were very open to ideas on how to make school more interesting for him. I hope it will help him make it through.

I'm certainly not pushing extra curricular activities on him. He seems to want to stay in band (which is in school). Maybe he just needs that room to just be so he can cope.

I wish I could get him into therapy but he refuses. Any suggestions on that? I explained that it's something people do when they need more tools to deal with things and just need help over a bump. I imagine it's a scary idea. How did your son feel about it?

That sounds like a good update! Maybe having something interesting to look forward to at school will help draw him out of his funk?

I know my parents have said they really regret not getting me therapy. I've told them not to feel bad about it because I can't imagine I would have gone. For me just hearing them suggest it was scary to me, because it made me feel really broken.

I do think therapy could help, but I have no idea how to get him there.

I don't know if this is appropriate for his age, but we did go to see a psychologist for a while with our 4 1/2 year old, when he struggled with an out of state move. We all went together and the most helpful part to us was the part where the therapist helped us understand how to effectively parent him through that stage. Maybe you could go to a therapist and discuss what's happening and get suggestions as a third party? (I have NO IDEA if that's even reasonable or a good idea, just throwing it out there!)

Hi Angie, thanks for your comments!

I have spoken to a therapist about him and he gave me some great ideas and feedback. The first ones had to do with getting him more balance - more sleep, less screen time, more exercise - which we were working on before Christmas and have to get back to.

He also said that emotions and lack of sleep (he has trouble getting to sleep) tend to build to a day where he just isn't able to cope and that it's okay to give him a day at home so he can restore his energy. Preventative measures really.

With the amount of school he has been missing we've been quite firm about how you have to go and can't just miss school if you're a bit off so this was quite freeing. His teacher agreed that it was a good idea and supports me/us in this. Yay! The tricky thing will be in doing it carefully so he doesn't feel like he has a skip school card (though I won't explain it to him ahead of time).

I'll keep trying to figure out how to convince him to see a therapist. If anyone has ideas I'm open.

Have you looked at any anxiety books? They may help. Just a suggestion. I've been using an anxiety & phobia workbook by Edmund Bourne with ds10 on/off at times and trying to override his negative self-talk loops, mild depression, lack of sleep, etc. I'm sure you can find similar self-help anxiety books at your public library if they don't have this particular one.

It's not a miracle cure though and it might require some effort and patience on your part. However, it might help. You could try to go through some of the ways to help your son think more positively and have more confidence and boost his self-esteem. We recently did a big move and it sent my son into a tailspin socially and emotionally. He hasn't been coping too well either so I can commiserate with you.

A few years ago we tried the therapist route with our son but she really was out of her element with ds and didn't know what to do or suggest. IF you can find a therapist who has experience with gifted kids, then you might find success - and I really hope you do if you seek one out.