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DD10 is a very young 10 (birthday late Spring) and now in middle school (6th). I love her to the moon and back, but sometimes I just want to pull my hair out!!! Can I just vent please?
•Book project. My question to DD -"Who else do you know had to work to survive?" DD - "No one." Me - "Really?" DD - "Everyone has to try to survive. You have to breathe to survive." Me (rolling my eyes) "Ok, there has to be SOMEBODY in one of your books who struggled." DD - "Oh, there were these guys stuck in the Antarctica who ate dogs and some of the guys died because the dogs' livers had too much iron," on and on (so she pulled out this incredible story that's stored away in her brain, but why is it so hard to get this from her!!!!!!!)
•Perfectionism - "My teacher will kill me if I don't do it!!!" I try to use humor to stop that, but it doesn't always work.
•She's pulling straight A's without trouble except for band. I HATE band. She is not very musically talented, but she tries soooo hard, and just freaks out over her scales. Every day she is losing it over the squeaking instrument. She actually says it's her favorite class!! She says "It challenges me." Me too!!
•DD -"I have to do my homework NOW!!!!" (the voice getting higher and shriller as the conversation moves forward). Me - "When is it due?" DD- "Next week."
•If I don't supervise, handing jeans, underwear, etc as needed, DD will be found reading in bed in jammies (or less) with just 10 minutes to go before DH drives her and other DD to school. ADHD of course, I know.

I have to say that DD is doing so much better. Amazingly she gets her homework to school and home (miracle of miracles). She puts her clothes away without having a hissy fit (we set up a contract that covers this and other issues). BUT, it's just exhausting to parent her sometimes. If she isn't an artist when she grows up, she will make a great lawyer for all her great arguing!!!

Thanks for the ear (s)!!!!

PS - I read this over and realized it sounds like a typical kid on this site, and I have talked about some of this before. I just get tired sometimes, and lately have been griping at her too much so I feel a lot of remorse. I made an effort to make the morning routine funny today.

Oh geez, this is my DD to a tee. She went nutso on me two weeks ago about needing a poster board (right this minute! at 9 pm!) for a project due on Oct. 21. On the bright side: this is still preferable to DS' style--which would be to remember the project on...Oct. 21.

Anxiety is pretty common with ADHD and that's how I frame this--even though it is really difficult, especially when suffering from caretaker fatigue. My DD doesn't have an ADHD diagnosis, but *could* probably. She doesn't need medication so it's a moot point for us right now. She absolutely has high levels of anxiety and perfectionism.

YMMV, but I have the best luck when I try to engage DD in empathic reflection--your behavior makes me feel X and when I feel X, I don't feel like helping you, etc. This rarely works in the moment but it seems to take hold eventually--she is improving in the emotional outburst area. Slowly.

She is very well-behaved at school so I figure she takes out all her pent up anxiety on her safe person...me. We need chainmail or something.

My DD is 11 but is an early bloomer, physically, so I tell myself she is hormonally 13. This helps me deal with her, occasionally. Sometimes I'm ready to ship her to boarding school--something she claims she'd love--but since she still sneaks into my bed in the middle of the night, I have my doubts.

This post made me feel a little better...or a little less alone, anyhow. Hang in there!

I have tried the reflection - it doesn't work here, but we have found a contract works very well. We have a new one written up, and once it's signed, we can use it to bring down the whining. And, totally with you on the perfect kid at school situation. DD can hold it together at school very very well. Teachers and parents just don't believe us when we talk about DD's anxiousness. Last night she kept trying to do her scales, and DH and I finally took the instrument away. We think it has a problem, and she kept sobbing and sobbing that she needed TO DO HER SCALES OR SHE WOULD FLUNK!!! I ended up cuddling her to sleep. It just broke my heart. I think there is something about the end of the day going on as well. She is more reasonable during day light hours.
Thanks for listening. Not even our family can relate to what I talk about.

I may try the contract. DD spent all morning ranting that I didn't buy the RIGHT snacks for her to take on her field trip today.

We had an identical incident to yours with the instrument, when DD was convinced she was supposed to already know how to play her brand-new violin, even without any instruction. She was hysterical and I had to snuggle her to sleep. I wasn't feeling as nice about it as you, though, it kind of made me angry she was being so unreasonable.

Have you thought about signing her up for private lessons for the instrument? Lessons might help make her feel less frustrated.

A few quick thoughts for you greenlotus, fwiw. First, 6th grade was beyond nuts for the girls in my ds' class and for the girls in my older dd's class, as well as daughters of friends of ours almost without fail. Even though your dd is skipped into 6th so she's most likely not quite at the same stage re puberty/hormones/etc, she's probably surrounded by girls who are going through what can be a very whiny emotional time, and that might be part of what's influencing her behavior. If that's what's up, time *will* help.

Re her musical instrument, I'll second the idea of getting her private lessons to help. I also wonder if, hidden behind the emotion, there may be some truth to her worries over her scales. Is it possible the band teacher is strict or giving a difficult ultimatum or something else is going on in band?

One other thought re the squeaky instrument and you.. I'm guessing this is her first year playing it? If so, be assured, the squeak sound will improve with time

And about the end of the day - it's tough! I think many of us keep chugging along during daylight with all the busy-ness that fills our lives, and then when it's time to relax and go to sleep, that's when stress can really come out because it's the first time of day it's had a chance for us to notice it. Hope that makes sense! Is there any way to give her some activity to look forward to at the end of the day before bed? That might diffuse the stress. The other thing is she's undoubtedly tired at the end of the day. Maybe there's something you can do re re-thinking bedtimes or getting up in the morning that would give her more sleep, maybe she needs better quality sleep (?).

Hang in there!

polarbear

Is this article on dealing with power stress and the sacrifice syndrome of any help to you? http://iveybusinessjournal.com/publ...ompassion-a-leaders-road-map-to-renewal/

I too recommend getting her private lessons in her musical instrument. If possible, try out several instructors with her until she finds one that “clicks” with her. Just like she needs a different kind of instruction from typical kids in school, she likely needs that for playing her instrument. It's possible that the current instructions aren't adequate for helping her meet her personal standards, and she experiments on her own—which would explain the “squeaking” instrument and her frustration.

My intuition is that she is very talented in music, but inadequate instruction holds her back. Maybe she can easily meet the standards expected of her for an A if she cared for those, but her own standards are higher, and she knows the instructions she's given won't lead her there?

Intuition can be totally wrong, of course.

Best regards!

My DS16's the one who would tell you at 9pm the night before. (He has gotten better) So while I feel your pain there are a lot of us that wish we were in that boat.

I'm in agreement it sounds like anxiety. One of my DS's biggest challenges is anxiety. Frustrating to work with defiantly you have all my sympathy. Take lots of deep breaths. Perhaps put yourself in a timeout sometimes. My experience (so far) was the preteen years were worst and that things did get a bit better with maturity.

Ok - contract. Our contracts have a "parent give several warnings before the contract is null for that day" kind of statement (our girls get 3 per day). That way they can screw up and then get back on track. If we don't follow the exact number of warnings, we will surely get called on it! If they don't follow the contract one day, a day gets added to the contract length. They will get their reward eventually (and these are big rewards earned over a long period of time); it just takes longer.

I brought the instrument to our "fix it" guy. I cannot tell you how elated I was to find out the instrument had all kinds of problems! Bent pieces, air issues - you name it. Who knew I would be happy to get news of a bill to be paid? DD was so sure it was her - not the instrument. I pulled her aside after school to tell her. She grinned sheepishly. I teased her about her insistence that it was all her fault that she couldn't hit those high notes. This is her third year in band so we shouldn't be hearing squeaks!! I do wonder why this class is giving her the most grief. It's an elective! She even says the band director is one of her favorite teachers.
polarbear - DD definitely is not in puberty mode - but DD11 sure is. She's a great role model of a whiny, cranky 6th grader. Oh - my - gosh. So, yes, DD10 is immersed in drama even if she has a ways to go before it hits her.
Honestly - I think this moving into middle school as a younger kid is tough. Most of the kids have no idea she is younger, but DD is very aware of her difference. Perhaps she is experiencing chronic low level stress that plays into her anxiety. She is back to climbing into bed with DH and I in the middle of the night. She is also very very "huggy". I gave her several smooshy hugs and kisses before bed this evening, and she just loved it (she is just so darn cute!!!!).