Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional overwhelmed and sad

It was a rough week for me in my advocacy "journey" (aka 9 Circles of Hell).

Many issues. This will be long.

1) DS started a new medication and discontinued one, and was a hot mess. One very kind teacher was very communicative with me (thank god!) and so I was able to understand I needed to call psychiatrist. I should count that as a blessing because this did not happen last year and created a circle-the-drain scenario.

2) DS missed classes last week for medical appointments and was penalized in class for "participation points" in one, and in another, I ended up embroiled in an ultimately fruitless email marathon in an attempt to understand his 504 accommodations regarding makeup work deadlines. I ended up canceling a therapy (CBT) appointment for him today because he would have missed class and I don't want to make things worse. He needs the counseling.

3) As the icing on the cake: I received another email saying "DS' planner is trashed, do you know what happened?" I didn't, but the planner is kind of a mess. I put it back together and told DS he needs to take better care of it, which his teacher had also told him.

At this point, DS says (very factually), "In my defense, it isn't my fault this time."

When pressed--he explains (again, unemotionally)--that he'd stayed after one class a little late to discuss his planner, so he hadn't put it away in his backpack. He said he was carrying it, and an older student ran up to him, smacked it out of his hand, yelled "F the Police," and ran off.

DS isn't worried about it and does not feel it's bullying since it only happened once.

Why didn't DS explain this to the teacher? The answer to that is he is oblivious, and didn't realize an explanation would help the teacher understand when the teacher told him he needs to take better care of his planner. So more negative perception of DS not caring.

I also worked through some homework with him and in some cases, when he doesn't understand directions, he just skips questions or answers them ineffectively. Why, DS, do you not ask for help? He explained that he knows *how* to ask for help (i.e. what words to use) but not *when* he needs help. How can he not understand this?

I am very careful to make sure DS doesn't look notably "weird." IOW, he has a stylish haircut and wears nice, mainstream looking clothes and I make him change if he puts together an oddball outfit (mismatched, or black socks/white shoes, etc.) He doesn't want to look weird and wants me to tell him if he does--but he is clueless. He is a really nice looking kid (I'm biased, but he really is!) but I'm wondering if his affect is becoming more and more noticeably different.

All in all--just a bad week. I would like to just move to the mountains with my kids and not have to deal with any of this.

I don't know how to advocate for him because it seems like teachers either "get it" or not, and there's no room in the middle.

Possibly he has been compensating for a long while, and has grown used to skipping things and guessing as strategies which are often successful? You may wish to consider talking with him about these strategies (which he may not immediately recognize if they have become ingrained/automatic), and helping him recognize them as a signal that another strategy could be employed: asking for clarification. A helpful teacher who "gets it" may spend the time to discuss his guesses while also providing clarification of the instructions/directions in other words/phrases until he has the aha moment and all the puzzle pieces seem to fit.

Sorry to hear it's been a rough week eco -


I wouldn't let this one slide by - I'd email the teacher, state what you understand had happened - no emotion or judgment or indication that anything unacceptable had happened - just state that your ds had been out of school for medical appointments and missed class on x day, and that you understand (or have seen?) that he was graded low on "participation points" on that day. Ask if that is what has happened, and if so, can the grade be changed since it was an excused absence. If the grade can't be changed, can he make up the work. If the answer is "no" to this or if the teacher suggests he do something unreasonable to make up the work, I'd take the situation and response up a level, and request a meeting with the 504 coordinator, or perhaps the principal. I realize as I'm typing this that there are also political considerations here due to the struggles with your school, but fwiw, that's my first response! I do think you can approach this in a non-adversarial manner, take the stance of seeing it as a misunderstanding that needs to be resolved.


It sounds like the accommodations aren't outlined clearly - which is good reason to call a 504 update meeting. You could bring up the issue above (missing class and being penalized) at the same time.


One of the toughest things I found on our 2e journey was trying to fit everything in. We had some therapies that we had to do during school, others that we couldn't get appointments for during school hours and had to do after. By the time my ds was in middle school, missing school was tough for him in many ways. Missing school is still tough in high school too. Is it possible to schedule the CBT at a different time?


I know this isn't going to be particularly helpful, but fwiw, recognizing what is and isn't bullying can be tough at your ds' age even for neurotypical children.


Again, no helpful advice but btdt... and I also wonder - are you sure that it's just being oblivious in not recognizing that he needs to explain, or is it possible he doesn't really know how to approach the explanation?


My advice here is to not spend too much time on the "How can..." thoughts and just make note of the gap in understanding, explain, instruct, and repeat/repeat/repeat until he gets it. Show by example. Give him structure and support in answering so he can do it in small, simple ways to start and see the success and get the idea of how it works, then gradually build up to where it will sink in as more of an automatic understanding.


He's aware and trying. He's relying on your advice. I am not sure about his affect, but I do see one thing that is *very* positive here - he's got you in his corner, and he knows it. He's coming to you for advice. Those are the cornerstones that will support you both when things are tough.


That's been our experience too. With the teachers who don't get it, you just have to keep advocating, keep your advocating simple, straightforward, focused on facts and data. Over time, some of the teachers might respond and "get it" - some won't - but you'll have at least done what you could.

Hang in there!

polarbear

Does he see the distinction between explaining what happened in this situation, as opposed to the type of explanation/countering/backtalk for which he has been admonished in the past?

I'm sorry to hear about all of the frustrations. PM me what you changed with the drug and the effect because I think DD is on a similar combo.

Is the teacher that penalized him the same one that has been giving you other problems? I don't understand why he would take off points for participation if DS couldn't participate because he was absent. That sounds bizarre and retaliatory. But I would politely inquire about the "mistake" and hear the response before making any accusations.

Reading all of your posts about what appears to be rigid grading systems just makes me squirm. Is this what I'm in for in another two years or so?

Also, make sure that you are documenting what you are helping with in terms of homework, so that the teacher doesn't see his well formed answers and then conclude that there is no issue with your DS. I know that it is difficult, though, if there is the potential of him being kicked out of the program if he doesn't do well there (despite a disability). I really think that you need to get something in the 504 that he is not to be kicked out of the program if difficulties arise from the fact that he is 2e. I don't know if it's possible, or what the law says, but I would try.

Yes, this is how I'm trying to approach it at home. I am going to need to be the helpful teacher--the ones who are most positive about him are math/science and that is not where he needs clarification. He's answering social studies questions with prior (correct) knowledge, for instance, but it hasn't been covered yet and that is one of the problems.
I did email to confirm that was the reason for the deduction. It is an art class and the teacher's response was he can't give studio points when the student isn't there. He said he gives opportunities to make up points that he announces to the class.

--I asked if he could tell me about them because DS won't hear/remember.
--I asked if would consider just lowering the points possible for DS so that he isn't given free points when he's not there but isn't penalized, either. I explained he needs treatment and I'll do my best to schedule it so he doesn't miss the same class frequently.

No response.

Realistically, there is no good time. My busy time at work is right after school and it takes all evening to do meals/homework/bedtime routine--and DS is frankly a slug in the afternoon/evening. It's kind of the least worst situation to miss 1.5 hours of school. I did put him on a cancellation list for the end of the school day so he'd only miss study hall. The psychologist offered to write a letter stating it is potentially a violation of DS' civil rights to be penalized for seeking needed medical treatment, but I don't think that's a good idea.

I think you are onto something. He recently explained to me that he just "makes everyone angry" when he talks, so he has stopped talking. In fact, I've spent a bit of time researching selective mutism, because he is nearly mute in the presence of some of his teachers, when we've tried to have productive meetings.

He is not like this with other adults at all. Very specific (selective?)

Different teacher. I think it's an attendance incentive and not retaliatory.

He's really having a good year academically, even though it may sound otherwise from my posts. He has all very high As and Bs, except in history where he's been trending down and is now at 80%. (Irony: he adores history and wants to be an historian who invents historical board games. He is adept and knowledgable in this area.) He has a couple of wonderful, compassionate teachers who are being great with him and communication. I really think a huge part of this depends on the luck of the draw.


The things we've been reviewing are after the fact--so that's not a problem. I think his answers are viewed as lazy, though. DS says they are sometimes lazy answers, and sometimes not.

I was telling a friend this morning that if he can't get some help at school, I'm just going to turn him loose--no meds, choose his own clothes, no assistance with homework or organization, etc. Then they will see what the real deal is--maybe then he could get some help.

I wouldn't really do that to DS but I think if the school knew how much work we put into DS school they might be more sympathetic that he really struggles.

I will PM you, blackcat.

That is the problem I faced last year. The sped director kept insisting that DD is not failing, and therefore they do not need to do anything for her. The only reason she was doing as well as she was, was because we were making sure she was studying for tests, doing homework, etc. And the teachers seemed to have much lower expectations for her than her classmates, partly because of acommodations already put into place, like a reduced workload. So there really would have been no way for her to fail. I felt like just backing off entirely and letting her go to school without any supplies, without any homework, etc.

The couple days that i sent her to school without her meds were disasters. One teacher sent her to the school social worker because she was so whipped up, and sitting in the hallway by herself ripping papers into shreds (for no reason). She was acting like she was intoxicated and manic at the same time. So for the school administration to tell me that she is not that impaired, and that her educational performance was not impacted by a disability, was ridiculous.

First of all, you are not alone. These issues are all too familiar.

Since some of his teachers apparently "get it," maybe one of them can try to explain to the others about disabilities and 2e? In my experience, some teachers (including those with sped and gifted backgrounds) don't seem to understand that most of the time a disabled child that is struggling can't do the work for various reasons. Instead, they see it as laziness or stubbornness, and think that the kids won't to the work. They need to clearly understand the difference between "can't" and "won't".

Another option is to have a late assignment provision written into your 504. We are almost ready to ask for this, but so far this year the teachers seem reasonable about late assignments due to struggling with disabilities.

Parenting though is an endless task as you have spend what seems like half your life explaining these things to people, and trying to be patient in the mean time. But its worth it of course. Your DS seems like a good kid that just needs some help and time.

Eco, I don't have any advice but I am sending you support and warm wishes.

This is nonsense. Our DS has missed several days of art. The art teacher seems rigid minded (which in my view disqualifies you from teaching art but hey...), but I had a lengthy phone conversation with her in which I explained DS's diagnoses, medications, struggles, and so on until she started to see the forest for the trees.

Now she has agreed that DS will not be penalized for late assignments as long as everything is in by the end of the marking period.

So there is no need for your art teacher to be so uptight. Hopefully he can be talked out of his mindset.

Fingers crossed.