Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Advices for people-pleaser/follower

DS6 has always been a follower, which we are quite OK with.

He isn’t a parent-pleaser; however, he definitely is a people-pleaser from his interaction with friends/peers.

As a parent, it’s frustrating to see him as a people-pleaser. He said mean things because his friends were doing it. He ate food, which he normally wouldn’t, because his friends were eating them. The list goes on...

I usually talk to him after those incidents, and he wouldn’t know why he did it.

I know he is only 6, but my biggest fear is that he would give into peer pressure as a teenager and start doing drugs/alcohol.

Any activities/books that we can read together that reinforce assertiveness? I am having a hard time finding books about peer pressure at elementary level.

TIA

I realize he's a boy, so these might not fit, but American Girl Dolls has a really great series on friendships, bullying and peer pressure. We read and talked about a lot of these issues when my daughter was around 6 or 7 and her BFF was suddenly very controlling and mean to her. We talked about the kind of person my dd wanted to be and talked about how her actions and interactions with people were so important. I made a big effort to talk about how friends behave (and don't behave), and how ethical and moral people behave. I would use TV moments or other observations to ask, "do you think that person is being a good friend?" "What do you think that other person thinks about what he just said?" "What would you do in that situation?" It was an ongoing dialogue then that will probably always continue.

I think parents have to be aware and have intentional conversations so that kids will know when they're being bullied (my dd didn't always recognize when her friend was bullying her) or pressured. But I think the conversations should also be about what to do when they see other kids who are the focus of the behavior, and give them ideas on how they can handle the situation.

I just wanted to second this recommendation - the AG books are great! And yes, I have a son in addition to daughters

ITA with everything syoblrig said, and will add that I would not worry about what's happening now be a predictor of troubles as a teen (and likewise I wouldn't predict that the 6 year olds who are not caving in to peer pressure now will somehow magically escape peer pressure when they are teens!). One of my dds went through this in early elementary, and one thing that made it tough was the school situation she was in - she switched schools in 5th grade, and it wasn't until after the switch that I realized how much a school culture can really sway peer attitudes and create an atmosphere of respect or conversely allow an atmosphere of bullying and acceptance of poor behaviors. Not that that will help you necessarily, but you might watch and see if this seems to be something that is happening with just a few kids or if it's widespread among peers at school.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I would check out the AG books soon!

We had another incident this weekend where DS gave his brand new toy away because the other kid wanted it. Argh...