Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Social skills group question

I found a social skills group for DS12 and explained to him (as best I could) that this is to help him have a better time at school, especially with teachers.

He is flipping out, saying he WON'T go, that I can't force him, and he does not want to do this kind of group counseling. He likes individual counseling, so that's not the problematic piece.

Of course--I can force him, but not sure that will be productive.

I'm looking for advice. Does it make sense to require this? Why or why not? I'm flummoxed.

Can you tell him to try one session and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to go back? That might be a good compromise.

That is a good idea, and I'd prefer it, but have to pay upfront for six sessions.

He is REALLY upset/resistant. Has been in full-on "loner/homebody" mode all summer break--wants to be left alone except to share music and jokes. I felt like he was recovering from the hell year but now wonder if he's anxious/depressed. Hard to read, kinda stoic kid.

Ugh.

Perhaps if you spoke to the provider about his resistance, they might be more flexible about a trial session, or have good suggestions particular to their program. Possibly there are other participants or former participants who could be references?

I'll try that-thank you. Have been playing phone tag w the therapist because I'm not even sure what the curriculum includes or if it's really appropriate for DS. I want to be able to tell the school people we are doing this (and neuropsych recommended it, but not this particular group) when I plead his case this fall.

I think he's scared, really.

I think I should go back to some of your earlier suggestions. DS is gregarious at school, but never, ever initiates anything with kids his age at home (except for starting forums online, etc.). His BFFs are his 6-year old cousin and 49-year old uncle. And his grandfather. He does well in these relationships, but school is another ball of wax.

With a child this age, some families may discuss and agree on goals, then work together to try to find paths to attaining those goals.

For example, a goal might be gaining insight into respectful student behaviors for classroom success. Options might include:
- the social skills group,
- alternative curriculum for self-study at home and daily discussion with parent over dinner,
- direct instruction during individual counseling.
- If sufficient progress is not made (as determined by parent), then child foregoes choice of learning environments and parent chooses.

Unfortunately at this point, it seems that there may be a power struggle in the home. In such a situation, generally no one wins.

One approach may be to ask him to articulate his objections, concerns, and/or fears about the social skills group. To the degree that he can be positive and productive in problem-solving conversation with you, you may wish to grant him some amount of freedom in making choices, or partnering with you in making choices, or providing proactive input for your ultimate decision making (whether works for your family). To the degree that he is unable or unwilling to engage in positive and productive problem-solving conversation with you, he may be demonstrating that he is not ready to make or contribute to decisions; The default is that parent makes decision.

Yeah-I think he felt ambushed-but it's hard to know the perfect approach. I try to balance between giving him too much information and causing more anxiety and not enough. This appears to have been a miscalculation. I like your ideas about options, will consider.

DS was 3.5 when we first took him for an assessment to try to sort out why pre-school was such a nightmare. We went to a highly regarded center affiliated with a fancy-pants university in No. Cal. We were fortunate enough to land with an amazing psychologist, who sussed out DS's "issue" in mere moments. She gave him the WPPSI, and gave us the news that he was PG, and really different.

She was something special - frank, informed, and soon to leave the area! She had him spend an hour in their social skills playgroup, but I think it was just pro forma - and it was an unmitigated disaster. DS stood in the corner like a deer in the headlights, crying his eyes out. Afterwards, the psychologist explained that these play groups are designed for kids who CAN, but don't yet know how to ... [insert desired behavior]. She explained that DS was not in a developmental place where he COULD [insert desired behavior]. In her opinion, the social skills group would therefore do him more harm than good.

We never went back. Over time, he is developing social skills, and I think they are on a time table commensurate with his brain development. I don't know if this is applicable to OP's child. But I don't think we should ever forget that social skills "classes" are likely to be as bad a fit as any other class for our sweet kiddos. They aren't designed for, and do not address the special needs of the PG child.

YMMV,
Sue

My DYS 9 attended one this year and I think that it was helpful. The part that seemed most helpful to him was the focus on learning self-regulation. He's an intense kid and it's been useful for us to have language to use when he is getting out of control. The other kids in his group had a variety of different issues: ADHD, severe anxiety, etc. I'm guessing that every kid found at least part of the curriculum to be useful. They covered things like how to deal with bullies, what to do when kids don't want to play with you, how to have a reciprocal conversation with peers, etc. The trick is finding the right type of social skills group that will work for your kid. For the OP, I'd talk to the leaders of the group. I'm guessing that they have experience with 12-year-olds not wanting to attend! FWIW, the instructors of my son's group worked hard to make it fun.

Actually, I think that works to your advantage. Six sessions is enough that one bad experience won't necessarily torpedo the whole experience, it's enough that your DS will probably have to give it a legit shot, but it's short enough that your DS can see the light at the end of the tunnel if he really, really hates it.

We've found this sort of thing to be helpful in other ways for our DD, except that these were all in activities that she originally asked for, then wanted to quit. If we paid for the full session, she finished the session. It helped us undermine her perfectionism, because now she had to keep trying, and found success. It also taught her about perseverance and honoring commitments, because in some cases (drama, soccer) others were depending on her to fill her role.

And what often happened is that, after the initial crisis had passed, and she finished the session... she wanted to do it again.

So, "I have already paid for six sessions, at the end of those six sessions, we'll discuss how it's going and decide whether or not to continue" is an approach I would recommend.

There are a lot of good wisdom-bytes here, thank you so much for responding.

I worry it could be harmful vs. helpful, especially if he doesn't want to do it. DS is not PG but he is HG/2E and experiences the world uniquely.

I do think it could be very helpful for DS, especially if the group is like you describe. I don't *know* though. It could be a bunch of kids with conduct issues, and that's not what we are dealing with. At least not yet. Sure don't want to force him into a corner--he is manageable at this point if approached correctly.

This would be my approach, too, for things DS has opted to do...it's just...sticky.

I feel like he needs to buy-in for it to have a chance of helping.

I feel uncertain about the group itself (appropriateness).

I feel like he is currently somewhat delicate, and needs to feel above-all that I have his back and he isn't being punished for having neurological differences, and that I respect his perspective(s) on things.

I also am questioning my primary motivation (having something to bring to the table at school) since so far it seems that *I* have been the only one willing to provide services to DS. Expensive and also not the way it needs to be.

I told him that we will try Option B for now...get a book or two and read/discuss together. He was much more enthusiastic about that approach. He said, "but none of this was a problem before last year!" True to a certain extent, not entirely, obviously.

There is another group that will begin in fall, that I know a lot more about...it's run by a therapist with expertise in ASD and he is careful about putting appropriate participants together. So that seems like a reasonable alternative to plans A and B.

DS is fiercely protective of what he calls "his TIME" (needs lots of free time alone) and so I guess for now I'll do my best to accommodate his wishes.

Parenting 2E kids--not for wimps! That is my new mantra.