Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Social skills group question

I found a social skills group for DS12 and explained to him (as best I could) that this is to help him have a better time at school, especially with teachers.

He is flipping out, saying he WON'T go, that I can't force him, and he does not want to do this kind of group counseling. He likes individual counseling, so that's not the problematic piece.

Of course--I can force him, but not sure that will be productive.

I'm looking for advice. Does it make sense to require this? Why or why not? I'm flummoxed.

Can you tell him to try one session and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to go back? That might be a good compromise.

That is a good idea, and I'd prefer it, but have to pay upfront for six sessions.

He is REALLY upset/resistant. Has been in full-on "loner/homebody" mode all summer break--wants to be left alone except to share music and jokes. I felt like he was recovering from the hell year but now wonder if he's anxious/depressed. Hard to read, kinda stoic kid.

Ugh.

Perhaps if you spoke to the provider about his resistance, they might be more flexible about a trial session, or have good suggestions particular to their program. Possibly there are other participants or former participants who could be references?

I'll try that-thank you. Have been playing phone tag w the therapist because I'm not even sure what the curriculum includes or if it's really appropriate for DS. I want to be able to tell the school people we are doing this (and neuropsych recommended it, but not this particular group) when I plead his case this fall.

I think he's scared, really.

I think I should go back to some of your earlier suggestions. DS is gregarious at school, but never, ever initiates anything with kids his age at home (except for starting forums online, etc.). His BFFs are his 6-year old cousin and 49-year old uncle. And his grandfather. He does well in these relationships, but school is another ball of wax.

With a child this age, some families may discuss and agree on goals, then work together to try to find paths to attaining those goals.

For example, a goal might be gaining insight into respectful student behaviors for classroom success. Options might include:
- the social skills group,
- alternative curriculum for self-study at home and daily discussion with parent over dinner,
- direct instruction during individual counseling.
- If sufficient progress is not made (as determined by parent), then child foregoes choice of learning environments and parent chooses.

Unfortunately at this point, it seems that there may be a power struggle in the home. In such a situation, generally no one wins.

One approach may be to ask him to articulate his objections, concerns, and/or fears about the social skills group. To the degree that he can be positive and productive in problem-solving conversation with you, you may wish to grant him some amount of freedom in making choices, or partnering with you in making choices, or providing proactive input for your ultimate decision making (whether works for your family). To the degree that he is unable or unwilling to engage in positive and productive problem-solving conversation with you, he may be demonstrating that he is not ready to make or contribute to decisions; The default is that parent makes decision.

Yeah-I think he felt ambushed-but it's hard to know the perfect approach. I try to balance between giving him too much information and causing more anxiety and not enough. This appears to have been a miscalculation. I like your ideas about options, will consider.

DS was 3.5 when we first took him for an assessment to try to sort out why pre-school was such a nightmare. We went to a highly regarded center affiliated with a fancy-pants university in No. Cal. We were fortunate enough to land with an amazing psychologist, who sussed out DS's "issue" in mere moments. She gave him the WPPSI, and gave us the news that he was PG, and really different.

She was something special - frank, informed, and soon to leave the area! She had him spend an hour in their social skills playgroup, but I think it was just pro forma - and it was an unmitigated disaster. DS stood in the corner like a deer in the headlights, crying his eyes out. Afterwards, the psychologist explained that these play groups are designed for kids who CAN, but don't yet know how to ... [insert desired behavior]. She explained that DS was not in a developmental place where he COULD [insert desired behavior]. In her opinion, the social skills group would therefore do him more harm than good.

We never went back. Over time, he is developing social skills, and I think they are on a time table commensurate with his brain development. I don't know if this is applicable to OP's child. But I don't think we should ever forget that social skills "classes" are likely to be as bad a fit as any other class for our sweet kiddos. They aren't designed for, and do not address the special needs of the PG child.

YMMV,
Sue

My DYS 9 attended one this year and I think that it was helpful. The part that seemed most helpful to him was the focus on learning self-regulation. He's an intense kid and it's been useful for us to have language to use when he is getting out of control. The other kids in his group had a variety of different issues: ADHD, severe anxiety, etc. I'm guessing that every kid found at least part of the curriculum to be useful. They covered things like how to deal with bullies, what to do when kids don't want to play with you, how to have a reciprocal conversation with peers, etc. The trick is finding the right type of social skills group that will work for your kid. For the OP, I'd talk to the leaders of the group. I'm guessing that they have experience with 12-year-olds not wanting to attend! FWIW, the instructors of my son's group worked hard to make it fun.