Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Feeling a bit lost...

I have posted a few times about options and concerns regarding my now K-aged 5 year old PG DS and...yeah. I'm still majorly struggling. I'm not sure if this is a post for advice, commiseration, support or just to vent about the unfairness of it all. I had the fleeting thought that now that DS is a DYS ...maybe our advocate would have THE answer, but I'm swiftly learning that there just isn't one when it comes to these kids. Frankly, I don't get why we have to bend over backwards, trying to make it work, spending tons of money and/or traveling farther than we should have to...because public education can't deal with anything outside the upper norm. SIGH.

Anyway...I am battling between whether or not to send DS to The Grayson School (the highly gifted school that is opening this year), trying to engage in the public school battle (which we have done some of already, and came back more than a little disenchanted), or figure out some sort of homeschooling situation.

These are my concerns:

-Grayson would be perfect, but it's far and expensive. And they aren't licensed yet. They should be in June, though there is always the chance that they won't get licensing. If they don't we have to have a back-up. If they ARE licensed, we still might bite the bullet and send DS there, just because it seems SO right for him.

-My parents keep talking about fighting for public school - finding 'the right person' to make things happen...but I'm not sure there is anything they could do that would be satisfactory. Pull-out most of the day? He would mostly be isolated. Differentiate in the class...he would be doing vastly different stuff than his classmates which would make him upset, and isolate him in a different way. We can't accelerate him to the grades where he would need to be academically because of the social aspect and state law and whatever else. I'm not sure what a 'good' public school outcome would be, even if they WERE willing to work with us 100%. He would have age mates, but not intellectual peers. Which brings me to my last issues...

-Homeschooling is by FAR the best balance of curriculum vs logistics - we would be able to follow DS and not be limited by any educational walls, and wouldn't be paying an arm and a leg to get him what he needs (or having to drive great distances). I think that DH and I are well equipt to be in charge of his education - plus I work from home so it would definitely be doable. My problem is the social piece. Sure I could get him involved in extracurricular stuff, art class, playdates, so he is around friends. But again, no intellectual peers. Also, I LIKE having time to myself while DS is in school. It sounds selfish but I'm afraid I might go bananas. Add in his super intense 2 year old brother and...well...I just worry about my sanity, lol.

So I guess the question is - how important is having intellectual peers? Will he feel alone? Isolated? That alone is Grayson's biggest selling point. The curriculum is fantastic, sure, but having access to other kids that are even a remotely similar LOG to DS.... That's friggin amazing. But is it necessary? I keep feeling like it is. But maybe I am putting too much stock into it, at this young of an age. Maybe it matters more when you are a little older. DS isn't particularly self-aware, so maybe I am prioritizing it TOO much.

Also, how do homeschooling parents not go batty, seriously?

Lastly, how much 'extracurricular playing with other kids' is the right amount? I know it depends on the kid, but generally, how often do your homeschooled kids interact with other kids? I feel like I have no idea what I should try to arrange... a couple playdates a week? the park? actually classes? co-ops? free form vs structured activities with other kids? Is it important to have a regular group of kids that your kids interact with...and if so, how often? once a week? more than once a week? Less?

Like I said...I just feel lost right now. And apparently incredibly long-winded (sorry about that.)

Thanks in advance for any anythings you have to share.

Big hugs, Marnie!

Remember that choosing Grayson or homeschool this year doesn't lock you into a fixed path in subsequent years.

I can't speak to homeschooling officially, as we haven't been doing any explicit teaching other than providing a rich and varied environment with lots of outings so far. However, as we're planning to start homeschooling in the fall for kindergarten, and I'm building our macro goals for curriculum, social, and extra-curricular activities.

As it stands, this is the master plan for DS next year:

Daily goals: 1 hour of school, 1 hour of social, 1 hour of sports (other than hiking, exploring, scootering, biking, or playing with me at the park). The sports and social need not be mutually exclusive. Lots of free play and exploring the community.

Curriculum:
<=1 hour of direct instruction daily, all other academic work will be play initiated by DS.

One-on-one social: 4-5 hours/week
- 2-3 hour 1x/week play date with DS' age-peer best friend, who is likely gifted (requires heavy facilitation and participation by me to keep play themed around topics DS likes and scaffold friend)
- Make another good friend or two--ideally with similar interests and intellectual needs-- to arrange a weekly play date of 2hrs 1x/week
- Lots of daily one-on-one interaction with me and DH

Extra-curricular: 7 hours/week
- Swimming 1.5 hours 2x/week at the university pool free swim with me, where there are often the same children (current activity, which DS loves)
- Gymnastics 1 hour 1x/week with 3-5 year olds at the university (new)
- Drama club 1.5 hours 1x/week for 3-6 year olds (new)
- Martial art TBD 1 hour 1x/week with age peers (new)
- Possibly group music class or dance class with age peers 1.5 hours 1x per week (new)

For a homeschooled child with a lot of downtime, I think that list is reasonable because the time commitment for any one activity is small and the activities are held within walking distance of our home. For a child in school, that would be a disastrous over scheduled mess!

My goal is to give him access to some structured environments in a time-bound fashion. DS would go bananas in a half-day kindergarten due to boredom, but I'm hoping giving him access to a bunch of interesting activities (mostly sports) will help him build some positive shared experiences with other children. I'm focusing on activities offered at the university, since they tend to draw disproportionately from faculty's families.

DS, while very extroverted, is mostly indifferent to playing with other children. I can get him enthused about playing with his buddy if I'm involved and act as play cruise director. He would probably be happy to have zero contact with other children, instead playing with me a the time, but that's not good for him in the long term, much though I love his company! I'll admit, I like Portia's idea of hiring an older child.

Just remember no option is set in stone and things can always change. You can always try for Grayson and have homeschooling as a back up plan if the licensing doesn't come through. You also have homeschool as a back up if the traveling to Grayson becomes onerous.

Public school can be very variable depending on the teacher, the school, the district, the state etc so everyone has very different experiences in that regard. Some parents have very positive stories but many do not. If intellectual peers is a big concern, and it generally is, that may not be easily found anywhere other than a dedicated gifted environment. You can certainly keep investigating your public options while utilizing Grayson or Homeschooling and if you find something that works all well and good.

A big part of the problem is the very individual nature of HG+ kids so what may suit one child very well may not be at all right for the next child. And what works at one age can need revision at another. I think the key is to stay flexible, be prepared to change tracks if something isn't working and keep all your options open. That is maybe not what you want to hear but there just isn't a one size fits all or one easy path with raising our kids. Once you come to terms with that it can be easier to accept that you will be working at this for a while yet.

Sorry in advance for how long this response is. This has been top of mind for me lately and my thoughts aren't entirely coherent at this hour.

My son is 4 and a half but we spend a fair amount of time with homeschoolers, because I have joined the Yahoo and Facebook groups and we started going to the scheduled park days, museum days, etc. The groups were welcoming so we started making it a relatively frequent thing. My son can be himself there and we were invited to join in events for another group that is technically only for kids in 1st grade and up (so here he wouldn't technically be eligible for over another 2 years due to late birthday). They knew how old he was, but didn't care because he fit in well with the kids. With all of these things, it depends on who is running the group and what the parent mix is. The point of this ramble is that my son has found intellectual peers in the homeschooling community. Many of them are 3-4 years older, but at least here, in homeschooling communities there isn't a stigma associated with kids playing with someone who isn't in the same grade or isn't the same age, very different from a public school playground.

By law my son isn't eligible to start K for over a year here due to a late birthday, and since he is already pretty far ahead with low tolerance for boredom, public isn't a good fit for the near future. The other options here are just too much of a drive for our family. If he makes friends through school, I want him to be able to play with them after school and in free time. All of the driving would interfere with the social free time for him. Also, as a kid who commuted to school for years, I hate the idea of him spending so much of childhood trapped in a car.

As to how much time to devote to these things... I could in any given week here take my son to informal homeschool events (the drop in park days, museum days, hiking trips, field trips) seven days a week, with several options a day. I struggle picking which ones to go to. I try to go to no more than two a week to leave plenty of time to do things like just play at the playground (not to mention grocery shopping, etc.). We do commit to a once a month kids book club that he really enjoys. We do maybe one or two scheduled playdates per month, but we bump into the same kids regularly at the playground.

One thing I will say is that I have noticed (as Portia mentioned) is my son is a lot more mellow and at ease when his "attention cup" is full. With homeschooling, that cup is pretty full. What that translates to here, is that he is much much more independent when we have spent a ton of time together (maybe he is sick of me!). So even though we are together all day, he spends a lot of time on his own playing. On days when we haven't had much time together, he can be very intensely seeking attention. For us, it is actually more relaxed the more we hang out together. I still go crazy and am exhausted, but it is actually easier on me this way.

Our home school schedule... Well, we don't really have a school schedule. Maybe up to 20 minutes per day of guided instruction in a particular subject a day -- meaning I purposefully leave something out on the breakfast table he might be interested in. When he asks about it, we do it. I.e. leave Singapore Math book out or handwriting practice book out. Some days he might want to do 4 pages, some days he might want to do 4 chapters. I just follow his lead. If he doesn't want to do any, we don't, and when he wants to stop, we do.

Other than what most people consider school, we play outside, run errands, do chores to run house. He plays educational games if he wants to on the computer or can watch some PBS kids or educational tv some days (no screen time until all necessary errands are done or day is shot). For most of the year we have one scheduled sport. We have done swimming, gymnastics, hockey, soccer, etc. But at this point, 1 commitment per week of listening to another adult tell him what to do (where he doesn't really have input on what drills they do, games they play etc) for a block of time is all that I ask. He has had fun, but he is always exhausted afterwards.

Oh, and we read a lot. Aside from just free reading throughout the day, we usually read aloud for at least 2 hours before bedtime. We also go to the library once or twice a week. My son really likes educational books, so the books he picks are often books other people would consider "school time".

We are pretty loose in our schedule, but I still feel like the week is packed. I always wonder how parents of kids who actually go to school all day fit things in.

For an easy to digest format, for next year we are planning...

1 day a week guided instruction in each of 4 subject areas (reading/writing; science; math/coding; & art). Same format as this year, do it as much or as little as he wants. So Monday might be math, Tuesday might be science, etc.

1 day a week sports

1-2 days library

1-2 days per week homeschooling group field trips/park days/etc

Possible addition of 1 day a week lessons in guitar or piano (not sure if ready for this yet)

At least 1 day fully free no plans

We also do things like visit museums on our own, take hikes, visit amusement parks, etc. Lots of field trips scattered throughout our calendar. Things like an annual auto show are really fun for my son (although I admit the auto show isn't my personal favorite, I do enjoy how much he loves it.)

I also second that for us, playdates with kids enrolled in school (really preschool for us) tend to end in an hour or hour and a half, but that the homeschool kids playdates have happily gone on for hours until one of us as parents cuts it off. My guess is that the kids in school are not as used to having the extended time for free play, but it is really just a guess.

While The Grayson School sounds great on paper, I would be a bit wary. They seemed very certain they would be accredited for this school year - now they are confident that it will happen in June. While I have checked into their Saturday classes for my little one, I am a bit concerned about a new school. There are so many good private schools in the area and they have proven themselves. Many have been around for over 100 years, so you know the good and the bad.

That being said, I do not know of any school that truly meets kids at their level, at least not in elementary. I keep reading about kids that already know all the K - 1st grade stuff...ummm, that is most kids around here. While there may not be very many PG kids, there are lots of MG+ kids (if you are within driving distance of Grayson).

Does your DS do summer camps? My kids have been able to pick out the gifted kids very quickly, even when they were very young. Also, I bet there are kids in your child's school (though maybe not in his classroom) who are gifted but not in an obvious way. I have written about my middle kid whom I labeled as "Not college material" when she was four. Not in college yet, but finishing up 11th grade and has a quite a list of academic achievements without trying very hard. However, after a recent awards night, people were surprised with the awards she won, and some were surprised to see her there. She just is not an obvious gifted kid.

Don't despair. Try homeschooling if that works for you. I personally would give The Grayson School a year or two to see how it goes. I am also concerned that it will be really small. That was part of the reason we pulled our kids out of a private school that had very small classes starting in middle school (elementary was fine). They could not offer the after school activities that other schools could offer, and the social circle was very limited.

Best of luck - let us know how it goes!

SAHM and Portia, I am officially jealous of your local homeschool communities. Ours is...not robust, to say the least, hence my heavier reliance on scheduled activities.

Aquinas, the reason I avoid scheduling is because my son doesn't do well when I schedule very much. As a person who thrives on planning, it would make me much more comfortable to have a set schedule. I look at your scheduled activities with longing. :-). Not only that your son cooperates with a schedule, but that you have so many that are a good fit for him!

We are really lucky here with our homeschooling community. Our last community in a different state was not so welcoming. It just depends on what individuals happen to live in your community and I get the feeling that it evolves from year to year -- and that even within a homeschooling community that there are subgroups you just have to find.

You might try checking Facebook, meet up, and Yahoo groups. Start with a search on gifted homeschool. The Well Trained Mind Accelerated Learner Board is another good choice. Oddly enough, I found the most likely gifted kids through the Facebook group here for my state Unschoolers. Here, the unschoolers are basically well educated parents who follow their kids interests in learning. In other areas, it could be very very different. If you start by lurking online, you just may find a group you like.

SAHM, we'll see if he thrives on extra activities. It might be over-ambitious.

I'm planning on introducing one or two scheduled activities gradually over the summer to see how he does. If his cup is full with swimming, playdates, and one or two activities, then we'll stop short of the planned list above and respect his need for a more laid back pace. The winters here are cold and, as we're in an urban area, there isn't much scope for getting outside and playing enjoyably, so these activities are more of a stand-in for our more active spring/summer/fall seasons. We shall see how it goes!

We have one homeschool group locally that isn't explicitly Muslim or Christian in its name, and we're going to attend a drop-in tomorrow to meet the group. There's nada for gifted homeschool. I've been trying to build a network through the local gifted advocacy group, but the local interest in gifted education is limited. Good suggestion about unschoolers; I'll look into that!

Marnie--sorry about the quasi-tangent there!

This has been very helpful, everyone. I appreciate the feedback, advice and support. I just WISH I could...I don't know. Find a little tribe of kids like DS that just happened to live nearby and form my own co-op. Is that so much to ask?? Gifties of NJ...where are you?? lol.

I am on information overload right now - looking in 30 different directions at 30 different websites/books/forums to try and figure out whats around, what we want to do, and how to implement it. I can see that the summer is a great time to get gifties together - camps and classes and what not. I just wish it was throughout the year too. Unless I'm looking in the wrong places...??