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    #210731 02/12/15 03:12 AM
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    Dubsyd Offline OP
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    DS6 is hard work. Between hyperactivity, explosive temper, tantrums, attention seeking, blaming everyone else for anything that goes wrong, negativity, and distractibility, I am at my wits end. I often find myself at a loss for how to respond to him these days. We have just started him at a new school, and I think it will be good for him. They have experience with giftedness and difficult temperaments. But its only been two weeks, and I already have had to sign a report sent home for problem behaviour. I am feeling like a failure at the moment. I have been short with him because I am exhausted. Everything ends up a battle. And I feel like I am just doing everything wrong.

    We have had outside support. Originally he was diagnosed PDD-NOS, so we did a couple years of ABA therapy. We have worked a bit with psychologists and OT. I think our next step will be to get a counsellor/psychologist involved to help create a behaviour plan to be used consistently at home and school. But I feel like we have worked on stuff, and it never really seems to get much better. And it seems like there is so much difficult behaviour to work through.

    Sometimes I just want to run away and hide.


    Dubsyd #210733 02/12/15 04:19 AM
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    Huge

    Dubsyd #210734 02/12/15 04:20 AM
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    There seems to be a bit of this going around at the moment so I think lots of people here will understand what you are going through. I send you strength!

    It sounds like this has been a long standing issue from the things you said. Is the new school placement adding any extra stress, just because it is a change? Do you think there is a chance things will settle at all as he becomes more familiar with the new environment?

    You are not a failure. You are trying hard but not seeing the progress your efforts deserve so feeling wrung out isn't unexpected. The school sounds good and experienced. Do they have any suggestions or plans in place that you think might help given a bit more time?

    You sound like you are doing everything with external supports so I don't have any suggestions. Just wanted you to know we hear you.

    Dubsyd #210735 02/12/15 04:27 AM
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    Dubsyd, there will be better answers with more specific advice than I have coming up soon, but in case you're still on line in these early hours of the morning (here at least), I wanted to send a hug. A really, really, big one. You're not alone.

    There's times I've felt like "this isn't what I signed up for" and am overwhelmed by the fact that our children are every moment of every day forever and there's just no sending them back. And I wanted to.

    And these are things you just can't say about your children, which makes it even harder. And when no one can understand why you feel this way - because you created this super-challenging being with your own bad parenting and if you only did X like everyone else did, you wouldn't have these problems... it's really lonely too.

    But IT GETS BETTER. Slowly, painfully, but truly. It really does. Every month that goes by, there are things which just used to be impossible which now are unremarkable and you don't even notice the change. There's a thousand little things which used to catalyze meltdowns that I don't even have to think about any more, like which dishes I put out or how I cut the toast or whether we have to leave another playdate because he won't use the washroom. Some days, I stop and try and list as many of those things as I can, things that used to be so hard and are now so easy. It always amazes me how many of them there are, and the list is always growing, still now at 10 and 8.

    And as the behaviours happen a little less, and a little less, with every month it is also that much easier to see the truly extraordinary little beings lurking within that behaviour, experiencing the world in some crazy hyper-drive technicolor that is so overwhelming for them, but so incredible as they get more and more able to share with you what they perceive and how they think.

    Hang in there - and hang in here, where's there's nothing you can't say. This too shall pass, and you will make it, and your DS will come out that much stronger and more extraordinary for each step of learning to manage to exist in this world. And as Chay said in another thread, wine is good, too.

    Dubsyd #210737 02/12/15 05:55 AM
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    I am sending hugs too. I struggle as well. After a long smooth period, we are having trouble with DD right now, for reasons I cannot pinpoint at all. A relative recently visited and with those "eyes," I saw how bad some things are at present. frown

    Dubsyd #210738 02/12/15 06:25 AM
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    Originally Posted by Dubsyd
    DS6 is hard work. Between hyperactivity, explosive temper, tantrums, attention seeking, blaming everyone else for anything that goes wrong, negativity, and distractibility, I am at my wits end. I often find myself at a loss for how to respond to him these days. We have just started him at a new school, and I think it will be good for him. They have experience with giftedness and difficult temperaments. But its only been two weeks, and I already have had to sign a report sent home for problem behaviour.

    What plan (IEP, 504) do you have in place at school? If none, I would want to put something into place.

    Originally Posted by Dubsyd
    I am feeling like a failure at the moment. I have been short with him because I am exhausted.

    That happens, and it's not your fault. (According to my mom, losing your temper is a valid method of teaching the child where the line is, if used sparingly and nonviolently.)

    Get some help. I have found it really good to have a college student for a few afternoons a week to act as homework tutor/ABA therapy aide/respite. It is very tiring to keep teaching 100% of the time. ABA works best if you have multiple people doing the teaching/reinforcing.

    Originally Posted by Dubsyd
    We have had outside support. Originally he was diagnosed PDD-NOS, so we did a couple years of ABA therapy.

    I'm interested to know why you stopped. The early elementary years are a great time to do ABA, because kids should be learning new skills in reponse to increased demands at school. If your ABA therapist was good, I'd resume that at home, and also have that person involved with coordinating the plan at school. If school and home are working consistently on reinforcing the same skills, you should see progress.

    Originally Posted by Dubsyd
    But I feel like we have worked on stuff, and it never really seems to get much better. And it seems like there is so much difficult behaviour to work through.

    The tricky thing is this: your child gets better, and then all the peers make developmental leaps so they're still ahead of your child socially/behaviorally, and school makes increasing demands on social/emotional regulation, so it feels like you're always in hot water and not making progress. Even if you really are. BTDT.

    School needs to have appropriate expectations AND supports to help your child meet those expectations. A kid on the spectrum can learn, but if he's under too much stress and always "in trouble" he will shut down and not learn. DS had a behavior plan that told teachers exactly how to respond when he did anything inappropriate, AND how to prevent blowups. This was one of the best things we did.

    Originally Posted by Dubsyd
    Sometimes I just want to run away and hide.

    I hear you. I will meet you in Tahiti for drinks with little umbrellas in them. Right after I take care of everything here.

    Dubsyd #210743 02/12/15 07:42 AM
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    I totally get where you are coming from! Raising my two kids, but especially DS9, is the most challenging thing I have ever done. I can't count how many times I have felt like a failure because of something he did, or how I reacted. Your description of your DS is spot on the same as mine, and no. one. gets. it.

    I find focusing on something positive at the end of the day can help, even if it's as small as "he put his dishes on the counter when I asked." Telling him these things ("I really liked how you XYZed today") right before bedtime is good, so he could at least go to bed with a positive message from the day. I also try not to take things personally when DS is being super negative/explosive; this is *really* hard for me, and I'm far from good at emotionally removing myself.

    Being new at school can be really stressful, so some of his behavior may be in response to this. I would definitely be talking to his teacher and the principal to work on a positive behavior plan. DS has expressed a lot of sadness and frustration from years of being "the bad kid" in so many classes and groups.

    I believe kids do well when they can, so "bad" behavior points to something amiss. The "something amiss" may be the environment (too noisy, bad lighting) or unrealistic expectations (having to be still for too long), not necessarily things your son has control over.

    And yes, I sometimes want to run away and hide, too.

    Dubsyd #210750 02/12/15 08:25 AM
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    Dubsyd, you've received excellent advice above, and I'll second DeeDee's advice specifically. Plus send you a big cyber-hug!

    I'd also add that ages 6-7 is a significant development stage for *all* children - not just for children with challenges. It's the age when children are starting to realize they aren't "attached" to their parents but exist as separate human beings, and it can be filled with challenging behaviors for even the kids who've been completely easy going up until that time.

    It's also the time when, for my own kids who had some type of undiagnosed LD or other challenge such as a vision issue that behavior was really a huge challenge. My dysgraphic/dyspraxic ds had been the most mellow kid who ever lived (for the most part lol), until he hit first grade and then he seemed to turn into a raging upset kid most of the time because of the stress of having to write in school and talk to teachers. My dd who had severe vision issues had what appeared to be on-again off-again behavioral and sensory challenges all along - up until her vision issues were diagnosed and treated - which didn't happen until second grade when she was able to tell us she couldn't read what her teacher wrote on the board. It's not unusual for parents and teachers to *not* see these types of issues until first/second grade when the type of work students have to produce in school changes up a bit. With gifted kids it may be even longer before challenges become apparent, and with a child who has a history of behavior challenges, it may be easy to assume it's all behavior - when there might be something else going on at the same time. With your ds, pay attention to when he has behavioral issues - over time, you might see a pattern.

    The last thing I'll add is that as our kids get older, it really does get easier - their ability to communicate what it feels like to be *them* increases dramatically as they move into middle and upper elementary school, and that helps *so* much with parenting through this tough stuff.

    Hang in there - and when it gets really tough, take a break for a few hours. Indulge *you* - do something you love, something that's fun just for you, get your mind off of parenting for a few hours. When you come back to it, do something that's fun for you and your ds together.

    Best wishes,

    polarbear

    Dubsyd #210765 02/12/15 09:34 AM
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    Quote
    I find focusing on something positive at the end of the day can help, even if it's as small as "he put his dishes on the counter when I asked." Telling him these things ("I really liked how you XYZed today") right before bedtime is good, so he could at least go to bed with a positive message from the day. I also try not to take things personally when DS is being super negative/explosive; this is *really* hard for me, and I'm far from good at emotionally removing myself.

    I second this advice. When we get in a down period with DD, I notice that I'm providing way too much negative feedback (even if I do it "well"). Frankly, it's because there is a great deal of negative behavior. However, she desperately needs positive acknowledgement, even if I am faking enthusiasm/gritting my teeth through it because I'm so frustrated overall.

    ultramarina #210766 02/12/15 09:41 AM
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    Originally Posted by ultramarina
    When we get in a down period with DD, I notice that I'm providing way too much negative feedback (even if I do it "well"). Frankly, it's because there is a great deal of negative behavior. However, she desperately needs positive acknowledgement, even if I am faking enthusiasm/gritting my teeth through it because I'm so frustrated overall.

    Yes. This is also a good time to re-institute a bedtime cuddle and readaloud of a mutually enjoyable book. Calming and positive for everyone.

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