Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy child bragging when nervous

All sound like great fun in which a kid could develop personally as well as developing friendships. Upon reflection, I do see that soccer, dance, or an instrument have a stronger "team" aspect as the timing of interaction with others leads to success.

There may be a balance between how he experiences things internally and how others perceive them, an ideal solution would respect both views and help develop perspective taking or theory of mind for all kids involved.

Oh, I do see now how the "timing of interaction with others" is what she (the Principal) was getting at. Thank you!

There may be a balance between how he experiences things internally and how others perceive them, an ideal solution would respect both views and help develop perspective taking or theory of mind for all kids involved.

I wonder how to help that happen?

Theoretically any interaction which is not successful has this at its heart... not mean-spirited or an attempt to undermine, but a simple difference of legitimate perspectives. If the teacher becomes aware of something amiss, hopefully gently probing questions would be asked to arrive at the different perspectives and help draw out the children to explain their views. Clarity in one's own position and the ability to listen actively are essential life skills for interpersonal problem solving, advocacy, negotiation.

A parent could also have similar discussions with their child at home, asking what was good and not-so-good in the child's day... asking the child about his/her own thoughts and feelings... and what others may have thought/felt, based on factual clues: what they said, and what they did. This can help a parent ascertain whether the child's social skills are weak, emerging, or strong, and whether the learning environment is impartial or biased against gifted.

There is a website dedicated to perspective taking. A web search on perspective taking or theory of mind shows more information and resources.

Tangently related, the book on confidence in this post comes to mind.

Can you work on other techniques for dealing with nerves?

Ametrine, I would think that one of the considerations in choosing an activity is what appeals to your ds - if he's engaged, the social learning experiences will be fostered, but if it's not something he enjoys, then all the social learning experiences in the world aren't going to "take" as effectively.

I don't know anything about karate (no experience), but I do wonder if a sport like karate might serve the purposes you're seeking. My children have participated in Judo and Tae Kwan Do, and while they are individual-ability sports there is a component of respect, being together while working etc that I think will at least help with some of what you're hoping to accomplish. Same thing with dance.

The musical instrument I don't understand - unless he was playing with a group (which I think might be difficult to find at his age?) - and even if you did find it, might be extremely boring and frustrating for some kids. I only mention that having helped with a youngish-concert-band... for some kids it was great, for others just beyond boring and frustrating due to wildly different ability levels.

polarbear

While it might make other kids feel bad or jealous, it's also quite possible that it just simply sounds annoying or sets the child apart as not being interested in the other children. It's just my view, but bragging is a behavior that turns other people off, and hence it's something that a child/adult/whoever needs to try to work on themselves - putting the focus of "fault" onto the listener takes away from understanding the reason bragging doesn't work as a form of effective communication.

Consider the same situation from a different angle - a child is bragging about how they are the best football quarterback ever, and it's annoying the other kids who are listening. Do you presume the other children feel bad because they aren't a good at passing a footballl or they feel jealous wishing they were the best football player ever? Chances are most of the kids in the group really don't care, and aren't interested in football as it applies to the football-star's life. The kids are turned off because of the manner in which the message is delivered. The same set of kids, if they watch the star football in action, may very well come away in awe of his abilities. I've seen the same thing with smart kids (in the classrooms and groups my kids participate in) - kids thrown together with a smart kid will usually look at the "brainy" child with admiration if they are allowed to just experience life alongside the child, rather than have that child bragging to them about how smart they are. Few children are actually jealous and even fewer feel "bad" that they aren't as smart.

polarbear

Somewhat related to polarbear's post, I tell my DD about these statements:

- I am good-looking.
- I am funny.
- I am smart.

In survey after survey, each of those statements enjoys a large majority of agreement, which is not mathematically possible, because the majority cannot be better than average. This highlights the fact that people are generally bad at forming an objectively accurate sense of self.

So if my DD tells someone, "I am smart," she has told the person nothing of value, because nearly everybody thinks they're smart. The listener will just shrug and think, "So am I. What's your point?"

When someone is truly smart, they never have to say anything about it. Just through the course of normal interaction, it will be displayed, and will people notice.... and they'll usually say so, too.

That's true for beauty and humor, too.