Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Should I homeschool because of behavior issues

I'm completely new to having a gifted child. He is 5 and in kindergarten but, has tested to be at the 2nd grade level on his MAP assessments. We are waiting for our appointment with a psychological institute for more formal testing and dx but, I believe that he also has a sensory processing disorder. He has a really hard time during gym class and recess with so much chaotic activity going on. There have been several incidents where another child had touched him in a normal way but, he reacts extremely and will hit the child. He is attending a charter school in it's first year open and there is no gifted program and I was told that until he has a diagnoses they have to treat his behavior as a discipline problem. They do have him doing first grade academics for the first half of the day and spends the afternoon in K and already plan on advancing him to 2nd grade next year. I am ready to homeschool him but, am afraid that completely taking him out of school will just be putting off dealing with these situations. Does anyone have any experience homeschooling a gifted child with behavior issues for a year or two and then having them attend school after their social/emotional development has caught up? He does have other social issues in class but, those have been manageable. He loves school and being around the other children most of the time. I'm so torn, I just don't know if I should pull him out of school or not. Any advice would be awesome!

We pulled my DS6 out of kindergarten in April of last year--we didn't even finish the school year which had less than 2 months remaining. We are homeschooling now for "1st" (but he's accelerated all around) and plan to for the foreseeable future, so I don't have any experience with transitioning back into school. But I will say that my son is so much happier. Although, he was experiencing a lot of anxiety, and that was one of his main challenges at school (along with boredom), so that might be different than your son's struggle.

My son does have sensory integration issues and has been in occupational therapy for many years. We did send him to school with his pressure vest and tried to communicate with the teachers--some were better than others. Gym and recess were hard for him. But we do a number of classes at the YMCA now and he is really enjoying them.

Best of luck!

Sorry - this turned out a bit long. Hope it's helpful though.

It sounds like your child is very similar to my DS who just turned 7. We still have DS in public school first grade, but the amount of scaffolding and support he needs is unbelievable. And it's still not clear that he'll be there for much longer.

In our experience, diagnosis or not, most people will assume your child's behavior is willful and requires discipline. They will also likely assume you do not discipline at home. Be prepared to emphatically counter and then ignore these postures.

Here are the challenges I have to come to understand for DS, and some solutions that are working, bit by bit. I hope they give some context for my answer to your question (below).

First - like you dear child, DS is very sensitive with probable sensory issues. This makes him highly defensive and hyper-aware of everything every kid in the room is doing. In the past he has had problems with lashing out like your child has, in response to what he sees as another's transgressions.

Worse- he has pattern-recognition super powers. This means he can observe what kids are doing and know almost to a certainty, which one is going to come over and give him trouble. And he'll nip that in the bud. I cannot tell you the number of times I've been told that he lashed out at so-and-so, "and it was completely unprovoked." Technically, it was. But DS was operating on pattern and practice, so he he honestly felt he was defending himself. I guess preemptive strike would best describe what he thinks he's doing. Just try explaining that to teachers! Blank stares are the best you can hope for.

So, this was hard, hard, hard to help him get past. He still feels his preemptive strike impulses, but with much hard work has managed to curtail physical responses. Instead, now, he'll often use something constructively tactical (e.g., move away from the kid, or ask the teacher a question to bring her attention to his space), or at worst - tend toward a cutting remark to head off the other kid. And with his verbal powers - whoa can he craft a cutting remark! These actions do still get him in trouble sometimes, but it's a different quality of trouble from the hitting or other rough responses he had in pre-school and K. Progress, at least externally.

Second - the boredom is actually painful and unbelievably frustrating. It pushes him to a point of extreme exasperation, and makes management of the above much more difficult. It makes him snappy and irritable, especially toward his teacher, who he views as imposing the boredom and withholding the good stuff. And it also causes him to have an almost visceral reaction when he hears inaccuracies in the boring material. To work on this challenge: (a) I tell him to bring home questions/topics and I promise to teach him bigger/better content. [Aside - I realize this is probably only pushing off the problem.] (b) I make him role play more appropriate responses when he makes a point. E.g., You don't say "You are so stupid!" Instead, you say, "Actually I read about that. What I read said .... Could I bring in that book so we can discuss it?"

With these, and lots and lots of unconditional love and support, DS has made progress. The tough thing for us is wondering whether this takes too much of an emotional toll on him. He often is despondent, saying things like "I was just born to be mean." He can't see that things are improving, even though they are. I think this is probably because he still FEELS the frustration and rage, even if he's managing his responses to the feelings. And for a perfectionist kid, to constantly hear that barrage about "being bad", well it's no wonder he often doesn't feel too good about himself.

On the other hand, in the moment, I can see that he is proud of his ability to manage. And that's something good. As he grows, those good moments become more and more frequent. I don't think he'll ever suffer fools gladly, so teachers are always going get a ration if they state facts inaccurately. But maybe he'll present his position with more tact (if not respect). And I don't want him to be a pushover, so properly defending himself will be a tightrope act - but he does seem to be gaining that balance.

So to answer your question - you know your child and his/her mental well-being best. Go with your gut on when to pull the plug. We are always keeping an eye on the options, because we are always close to pulling the plug ourselves. But for now - he's still making progress an this hardest thing for him to learn. And so we are letting him keep after it.

Honestly, though, I think we will pull him to a better academic fit soon. Because the boredom thing is going to overtake the behavior thing. And among other things, he needs stealth dyslexia support that he's never going to get in public school. I have no idea if we're getting the timing right. But I do know we - DS, DH and me - are all doing the very best that we can. And that's all we can collectively expect of ourselves.

You're doing great things for your child, just by working on this question. Don't let any demons in your head convince you otherwise. It's a very hard row to hoe that you've got!

Sue

suevv,

Just thought I would comment on one part of your excellent post: sometimes it helps children to see that they are making progress if we chart it for them. (I love data!) Seriously, a very bright, pattern-strong seven-year-old is certainly capable of understanding a trend-line. I would pick an easily-scored observable that happens frequently enough that it can be quantified on a daily or weekly basis. Either a behavior he is working on reducing, or one he is working on increasing. Many perceptive children need not only the unconditional love and affirmation that you provide, but some objective, external evidence that things are improving.

aeh -

Thanks for this great idea. It really would help him to see a visible pattern emerging to show he's improving. I don't know why I never thought of this. Forest/trees I guess!

I think I might create a chart of days with a purple dot for "I got angry and was rough," a dark blue dot for "I got angry, and used rough words" and a teal dot (his favorite color) for EITHER - "I didn't get angry" or "I got angry, but I handled it smoothly." If I do this for a couple weeks, I think he'll see lots more teal than purple. And hopefully I can't keep him from fixating on the purple by helping him notice the ever-increasing teal.

I don't really have too much of a window into day-to-day at school. So, I'd like your input, but I think I'll focus on home. For one thing, I think he'd distrust dots I did for school, thinking they would be my false impressions based on his reporting. And for another thing, that way I can honestly do a little bit of retroactive dotting to show him his progress to date - which has been great.

Thanks a million,
Sue

sue,

Definitely go for authenticity, rather than trying to estimate school performance yourself. I expect he'd sniff out any doubtful scoring pretty quickly, which would tar the whole process.

If you think you could get teachers to chart this accurately and consistently--and not sabotage the process--you could explore extending this into school, with their cooperation. Otherwise, stick with home, where you know just how reliable your data is.

A big thanks to everyone who replied. It has helped to hear some similar situations and suggestions. I was finally granted an official meeting today with the principal and asst. principal. I was given the AIG program policy handout for the first time. I'm pretty sure they just wrote it up. I've been asking to have him evaluated since September. They told me he does not qualify for gifted services as he does not meet their criteria. I was suspecting such an answer as they do not have any support staff to give him services. There is no OT or speech therapist and I suspect the new psychologist is working remote. As, I'm at the school every day and have yet to meet him. They also wouldn't give him a 504 plan or any other accommodations without an official diagnoses. I have done some research and discovered that the DOD school he can attend (we live on a military installation) will do a full assessment on him and he can receive any therapy sessions that they offer even as a homeschooler. He can participate in special classes and have use of the media center. He is also entitled to use any texts any workbooks that are appropriate. I am so happy to finally start getting the help he needs. I can't send him to the charter school and see him come home so sad and disappointed in himself because the teacher didn't give him a happy face on his behavior chart. I have withdrawn him from the school and will be registering him with the DOD elementary as a homeschool student.

This is my third year homeschooling 2e/pg ds9. I don't regret pulling ds. Some days, I wish we had/have more options. He's been in some form of therapy every year since he was born. However, we live in a state that has zero gifted funding/services.

DS had been in a special needs pre-k program in public schools until age 5 when we withdrew him and put him in a private gifted school. Ds was born with severe SPD so the public schools wanted to keep him in special education for kindy due to attentional issues, sequential work, following directions, etc. When we put ds in the private gifted school, we didn't know that they wouldn't be able to accommodate him either.

Since homeschooling, my experience has been positive - though I've definitely had some bad days and some very bad days. Still, the psychosomatic and some of the behavioral issues that came with school have largely disappeared. With homeschooling, I've been able to better get a handle on dietary and environmental (ie. overstimulation) issues which contributed to ds's 'behavioral' issues. I've also managed some days to be able to handle how far to push/nudge ds and when to hold back and wait.

Homeschooling enables a parent to juggle mood swings, motivational and attentional levels, etc. It can be extremely efficient in comparison to any formal schooling and individualized/personalized. A one-on-one education dedicated solely to a child's needs is just not possible with the public schools. At home, he can take a more leisurely lunch, fidget, go to the bathroom any time, take multiple breaks, or even temporarily delay things. He can also self-pace, rapidly accelerate, delve deeper and wider into subjects, etc. - which wasn't possible with school.

I'm going to second what cdfox said about homeschooling. This is our second year with DS9 (DYS, 2e), and our first year with DD7. I do not regret pulling either out, but I do regret waiting so long to pull DS out. Many of the behaviors and attitudes he started in school are still with us, although this year is better than last.

My experience with DS is that school got worse as he got older. This was in part because there were more executive function demands and rules, less free time and more crowded/noisy conditions, he was that much more advanced in class, and he was becoming increasingly frustrated (leading to acting out). He has undiagnosed SPD, anxiety, and perfectionism, all of which were exacerbated by being in school. For him, school truly was a toxic environment, filled with adults and kids who didn't understand him or his needs.

While homeschooling has not been completely problem free, at least I have more control of his environment, and he has more control over what he does and when. While it's true he is around fewer kids each day, the kids he does see like him and don't see him as "that kid with the behavior problem."

I found that it was a difficult decision to start homeschooling, because it meant bucking the trend and changing my own plans. But ultimately, we are responsible for our children's education and well-being, whether at school or at home. Initially, I tried to take the stance of "what would be best for DS this next month?" When thought of that way, it was more obvious that he would get more out of being at home than going to school, even if all he was doing was reading books all day.

Feel free to PM me if you have questions or want to chat.