Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion "I don't want to be smart"

Ok, I'm sure some of you have dealt with similar situations and might have advice:

First grader came home and said:

I wish I wasn't so smart. People in my class always ask me to solve math problems, and I just want to eat lunch or play recess.
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So, I don't want him to start "acting dumb", but we also need some tactics for what to say to these kids. Sometimes he knows the answer or can figure it out. Sometimes he doesn't know the answers, because well, he's in first grade.

So any advice on how to respond? I don't want him to be embarrassed about liking numbers, but also I don't want him to feel "not smart" just because he can't do 4 digit multiplication in his head.

Thanks!

I can't relate, because I have a DD9 who has declared the opposite: "I want to know EVERYTHING!"

It's hard to advise without more information. Is the problem that they're asking him math questions during lunch and recess? If this is the case, your DS could enforce proper boundaries. "I'm not doing math right now. Ask me later."

Are they asking him random questions, trying to get him to perform, or are they genuine questions? If the latter,
there can be a lot of cognitive and social benefits for helping others learn, and maybe your DS should be taught to embrace that, with proper boundaries. On the other hand, he should not be asked to do math like it's a performance for their amusement.

I think Dude has some excellent advice - learning boundaries is an enormous benefit - I wish I'd learned as a child how to say no.

DD always said that as well. But her motivation was feeling different and disconnected from other children. One thing that helped us was connecting her to a friend, also HG/PG, who was very comfortable with her giftedness. She was just a bit older, accelerated, and was an amazing role model for my child. We were lucky to connect, but we did make a concerted effort to find similar-LOG age mates for her so it wasn't all coincidence.

I agree with Dude that the motivation for their asking is important. Being asked for help can make a child feel good and provide a connection to others... or it can feel even more isolating. If the attitude is "you're so smart, I bet you can't figure this one out" that can't feel good.

Maybe dig a little deeper?

I think finding peers - even just one peer (more are better!) can be very helpful.

Yes, find him peers - as many as possible!
My child started dumbing down instinctively to fit in and be liked. He faced a lot of hostility because he was perceived as being "different". So, we removed him from that educational environment and put him in a place where he has peers who can read at his level and have deep interest in math so that he has something common with them. We also put him in enrichment classes like Chess, robotics, music ensemble group etc where he meets kids who are far more advanced than him and where he can progress at his own pace and he does not feel like he needs to fake that he is not really capable. We have also started dipping our toes into the competition circuit and he was pleasantly surprised at how many smart kids turn up at all the local competitions.

We did something similar and it is working well.

I believe that is a very smart observation. How often does a very able person become burned out because everybody wants to use that persons ability? I don't know, but probably often. Some people, I think, need some quite time when other people are not using their brain.

I think there is a skill that must be learned to protect oneself somehow, but it is tricky. If you hide your abilities you can close doors, but if you let too many people use your brain you will not have time to accomplish your own goals.

Good luck! I will probably follow this thread because I think there is a lesson in here somewhere.

Interestingly it is quite similar to the kid who everyone picks fights with because they want to prove how tough they are by beating the big guy (who may not even be able or interested in fighting but gets blamed). He may just have to master walking away. I am.not doing maths now I am thinking about ...Did you watch x last night. Maybe practice saying things like that until they are second nature.

I got similar comments about not wanting to be smart when my dd was in second grade. It turned out that the teacher was telling other kids to ask my dd for help. Sometimes it was during reading or writing practice and the teacher would say "Ask (dd) how to spell that. I'm busy." Sometimes it would actually be a more sarcastic comment like "Ask (dd). She's a genius." DD didn't want to spend all of her time answering other kids' questions, she wanted to learn something herself. And the teacher's attitude made her want to go underground with her intelligence. I learned about most of this when dd got the same teacher in third grade and just about gave up. So with that experience, my suggestion is to talk with your ds to see if the teacher is setting up any expectations that he help the other students. I remember how hard it was to hear my dd say that she didn't want to be smart anymore. We are now happily at another school but I still get angry thinking about that teacher!!

Yes, it is more trying to get him to perform. And to be honest, sometimes he doesn't mind "performing." But sometimes he does.

So I just want to give him some tools to be in control, so he'll continue to be motivated to learn.

Thanks for good responses...