Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy child bragging when nervous

My son loves to know the answer to everything...and he does know a lot. He tends to jump in and try to show what he knows especially when he meets people for the first time. He was doing this tonight at his school open house (he is starting first grade). I did talk to him about it, gently, but I am wondering if anyone has any advice about how to handle. Thanks.

What sort of dialog are you able have with your son? Can you discuss how this looks to other people?

We've gone through that with my DS8. Some of the things we've explained have been:
- People will view such things as bragging, and won't even remember what you actually know.
- In a classroom, the teacher will know you know the easy stuff, only offer answers for hard questions.
- Conversations are a series of permission passings, dumping a bunch of information without request can be considered rude.

Usuallly I'll get to the point by asking him what he thought action xxx would do? Then get into how it won't succeed or it would have secondary effects. And trying to make each solution his own (Socratically led) conclusions has been helpful with my Mr. Know-It-All.

Thank you Zen Scanner. It is nice to know that DS6 isn't the only Mr. Know-it-all! We did discuss how people will see it as bragging. I really like what you said about the teacher knowing that he will know the easy stuff - I am definitely going to use that. Last year when I volunteered in his K class he was always shouting out answers...and I don't think just because I was there.

I try to get him to think about things himself and reach his own conclusions...hopefully he does, but he tends to clam up when I talk about stuff like this, I think because he feels badly about stuff easily, although I try to not make him feel bad.

At then end of last year he started a "club" with some of his friends in class. What concerned me was that he was quite proprietary about it. He was the only one in charge and making all the decisions. The "club" seemed to have a hiatus over the summer as he didn't see his school friends much with camp, vacations, etc.; but now he is talking about the club again. Its great that he has good ideas and takes a leadership role but I'm hoping he doesn't get labelled as the bossy, obnoxious kid.

Our child has been accused of bragging at school. He is very offended by the word and begins to cry. He feels there's an assumption of motive behind his telling the kids how smart he is-one of, "I'm a better person than you." However, when we talked in-depth with him about why he felt the need to actually say he's a smart kid, he says he wants the kids to know who he is, and that a lot of the time he feels invisible. We've been told he needs to learn to interact better within the interests of typical kids around him and to zip up about his academic achievement if he's to get along. So far, that seems to be difficult for him because his interests center in "academic" activity.

We are concerned he's feeling intellectually isolated, and will begin to shut down altogether when it comes to social interaction. Finding real peers is essential, and we are trying to do that, but because we are in a small town an hour from the nearest large city, most activities that attract kids like him are not very accessible...that is if they will even admit him because of his age (7).

I suggest trying to find the true reason your child feels the need to "brag". My guess is he is just conveying to new acquaintances what interests him, much as a typical kid would "brag" about what a great ball player he is, or their best score on a video game, etc.

In the meantime, I try to keep in mind that our son is developing social maturity, and is behind the curve.

My DC get frequent lectures from me about how everyone learns differently, and that they need to be careful not to compare themselves to others at school. I have told them that doing so will not win them any popularity contests - quite the opposite. On the other hand, I am sensitive to the fact that they are young children and that even when they are not meaning to brag, simply being themselves in a school environment can come across that way - which is both sad and tough at the same time!

DS told me a story about talking to an older boy in a higher grade at school and realizing that their respective teachers had them working on the same math level at school - I quickly told DS that it was probably not a good idea to discuss with other children what math level they were working on. I am not trying to have DS "hide," but in my experience, one almost has to disguise this type of thing to be considered sufficiently humble by one's peers. DD already knows to deflect such questions by peers and change the subject (as in, "Oh, look! A cute puppy!").

From the information given, it sounds like no tips, instruction, or support are given by the teacher who has brought forth this issue. There are a number of helpful books for children to learn positive social interaction, but since this is occurring on the teacher's watch, it seems it would only be successful if the teacher is on board with a particular philosophy or approach. Possibly asking gently probing questions as to recommended resources, your son's role, the teacher's role in guiding the learning process and providing both positive and corrective feedback to your son and the classmates may help form a supportive partnership between home and school for his growth in this area.

For intellectual peers outside of school, might he be interested in online chess or another virtual group?

But in a general way bragging is quite normal behavior in groups of boys. It is simply the subject of his bragging that is the issue.

As the parent of both a son and daughters, I have to disagree with this. Bragging doesn't occur any more often or for different reasons among boys than it does girls, and I wouldn't be so quick to assume that this is a case of a teacher/students being less tolerant of a boy bragging about school work/ability than the same teacher/students would be of a boy (OR girl) bragging about how they are the best player on the soccer team or how they won an award in an art contest of whatever. Yes, children do brag (both boys and girls), and when they are young, they don't always understand what is and isn't socially acceptable - but as parents (and teachers/etc) we can help our children by showing them that the way to have successful relationships with other children (and later on adults) is to be genuinely interested in the *other* person - who they are, what they like to do, what they are proud of in themselves. Asking questions, caring about others, wins many more friends than making sure that everyone knows how smart we each are. It's not downplaying the wonderfulness of being a highly intelligent kid to not have to point it out to everyone - the other kids will notice without being told. It's just simply more successful in the long run to focus on showing our children that other children are also equally interesting and worthy of respect, for whatever reason, and the way to fit in and make friends is to be a friend, not to show off by bragging.

polarbear

This is very good advice, thank you.

She did suggest we sign him up for a team sport. When we mentioned Karate, she balked and said that was "too dependent upon individual ability". Likewise, robotics was out of the question. Though that is a team sport, apparently it must be too cerebral? Soccer was her favorite, but she did mention other interests like dance or an instrument. (Confusion about those...seems dependent upon individual ability!)

As for corrective feedback, they have a system for that and I suggested they use it if they feel he's bragging. But now I'm having second thoughts; mostly because of his comments about not trying to be an intentional braggart.

An online group is one I hadn't thought of. I'll explore the options. Meanwhile, we are considering our local Ham radio club, or perhaps Cub Scouts.

All sound like great fun in which a kid could develop personally as well as developing friendships. Upon reflection, I do see that soccer, dance, or an instrument have a stronger "team" aspect as the timing of interaction with others leads to success.

There may be a balance between how he experiences things internally and how others perceive them, an ideal solution would respect both views and help develop perspective taking or theory of mind for all kids involved.

Oh, I do see now how the "timing of interaction with others" is what she (the Principal) was getting at. Thank you!

There may be a balance between how he experiences things internally and how others perceive them, an ideal solution would respect both views and help develop perspective taking or theory of mind for all kids involved.

I wonder how to help that happen?

Theoretically any interaction which is not successful has this at its heart... not mean-spirited or an attempt to undermine, but a simple difference of legitimate perspectives. If the teacher becomes aware of something amiss, hopefully gently probing questions would be asked to arrive at the different perspectives and help draw out the children to explain their views. Clarity in one's own position and the ability to listen actively are essential life skills for interpersonal problem solving, advocacy, negotiation.

A parent could also have similar discussions with their child at home, asking what was good and not-so-good in the child's day... asking the child about his/her own thoughts and feelings... and what others may have thought/felt, based on factual clues: what they said, and what they did. This can help a parent ascertain whether the child's social skills are weak, emerging, or strong, and whether the learning environment is impartial or biased against gifted.

There is a website dedicated to perspective taking. A web search on perspective taking or theory of mind shows more information and resources.

Tangently related, the book on confidence in this post comes to mind.

Can you work on other techniques for dealing with nerves?

Ametrine, I would think that one of the considerations in choosing an activity is what appeals to your ds - if he's engaged, the social learning experiences will be fostered, but if it's not something he enjoys, then all the social learning experiences in the world aren't going to "take" as effectively.

I don't know anything about karate (no experience), but I do wonder if a sport like karate might serve the purposes you're seeking. My children have participated in Judo and Tae Kwan Do, and while they are individual-ability sports there is a component of respect, being together while working etc that I think will at least help with some of what you're hoping to accomplish. Same thing with dance.

The musical instrument I don't understand - unless he was playing with a group (which I think might be difficult to find at his age?) - and even if you did find it, might be extremely boring and frustrating for some kids. I only mention that having helped with a youngish-concert-band... for some kids it was great, for others just beyond boring and frustrating due to wildly different ability levels.

polarbear

While it might make other kids feel bad or jealous, it's also quite possible that it just simply sounds annoying or sets the child apart as not being interested in the other children. It's just my view, but bragging is a behavior that turns other people off, and hence it's something that a child/adult/whoever needs to try to work on themselves - putting the focus of "fault" onto the listener takes away from understanding the reason bragging doesn't work as a form of effective communication.

Consider the same situation from a different angle - a child is bragging about how they are the best football quarterback ever, and it's annoying the other kids who are listening. Do you presume the other children feel bad because they aren't a good at passing a footballl or they feel jealous wishing they were the best football player ever? Chances are most of the kids in the group really don't care, and aren't interested in football as it applies to the football-star's life. The kids are turned off because of the manner in which the message is delivered. The same set of kids, if they watch the star football in action, may very well come away in awe of his abilities. I've seen the same thing with smart kids (in the classrooms and groups my kids participate in) - kids thrown together with a smart kid will usually look at the "brainy" child with admiration if they are allowed to just experience life alongside the child, rather than have that child bragging to them about how smart they are. Few children are actually jealous and even fewer feel "bad" that they aren't as smart.

polarbear

Somewhat related to polarbear's post, I tell my DD about these statements:

- I am good-looking.
- I am funny.
- I am smart.

In survey after survey, each of those statements enjoys a large majority of agreement, which is not mathematically possible, because the majority cannot be better than average. This highlights the fact that people are generally bad at forming an objectively accurate sense of self.

So if my DD tells someone, "I am smart," she has told the person nothing of value, because nearly everybody thinks they're smart. The listener will just shrug and think, "So am I. What's your point?"

When someone is truly smart, they never have to say anything about it. Just through the course of normal interaction, it will be displayed, and will people notice.... and they'll usually say so, too.

That's true for beauty and humor, too.