Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional What to ask for?

Could he shadow for a day and contribute input to a decision?

In an ideal world, I would agree. Unfortunately the reality for many gifted kiddos is that they may quickly outpace the curriculum/services/students in any given learning environment therefore parents may need to re-visit placement decisions as the child's developmental/academic/intellectual/social/emotional needs change. The best fit (or least worst fit) one year may not be same the next year... or even mid-year.

Keep options open, don't feel obliged to stick to a decision which is no longer useful/beneficial/optimal if there are other more useful/beneficial/optimal options.

If it helps, make a list of PROs and CONs regarding each option. Brainstorm as a family... does anyone have additional items for either list? As a family, weight each factor... maybe using a scale of 1-5, where 1 matters a little and 5 matters a lot. Possibly a child would see friends as a 5 and everything else as a 1. Possibly parents would see factors such as IEP/504 as a 5 and length of commute as a 1. Creating a decision methodology can help a family:
- analyze the factors important to them in making their decision,
- keep a track record which may be useful in adjusting to a learning environment,
- provide input for use in future decision making.

I have another question... If I pursue a 504 plan, one concern I have is that it could change how DS is viewed. If he isn't tested carefully, he doesn't cooperate and gets spectacularly low scores. That gives a very different impression if what he needs from accurate testing.

If they will just accept my private testing as documentation, then it seems to me that would be fine. If they want to do their own testing, there s a very real risk if will not be accurate due to DS being stressed.

Do I understand correctly that we would just need documentation for a 504 plan, or would the school need to do their own testing? I know they require their own testing if I request any special education services. If they test well, there would be no problem with them doing the testing. If it's rushed and they don't build a rapport with DS, it would be disastrous (unfortunately, I know this from prior experience).

Indigo, I must have been writing at the same time as you. I have tried to talk with DS about his preferences and he says he doesn't know. He likes the charter school, but also loves his friends. He might be able to weight a list of things like you have suggested. We will try that and discuss it as a family to see if it helps. He has responded very positively to the idea of having a safe person to talk with if there is a problem and I am going to talk with the charter school about it on Monday. His sister wants him at the charter school with her; in trying to find good placements for both kids, they have only ever been at the same school for part of a year.

An idea, in case it may help: You may wish to think of a model conversation for the "safe person" to engage in with your son. In other words, what are your expectations... what works well with your son... what might the safe person use as a guide...?
- Would an ideal be just listening?
- Possibly active listening, in which the listener may re-phrase what they heard into questions, seeking clarification, affirming, and presenting other possible viewpoints/interpretations?
- Possibly helping introduce words regarding emotions, strength of emotions across a continuum, shades of meaning?
- Possibly suggest viable courses of action your son may take when presented with a similar situation in the future?
- Possibly help him remove emotion from his descriptions and describe a situation factually and impartially?

It seems there needs to be coaching or guidance toward a desired positive outcome... learning support of a life skill in communicating (with intensity ), so the meetings are more than negative rant, and provide a sense of moving forward.

Logistically, how would safe-person meetings work? For example, how would your son notify the teacher he is leaving the classroom or group for an approved "conference" or meeting with the safe person? Is a backup person needed in the event the safe person is unavailable? Would you like a report when he has had a meeting? Etc.

The main thing is that DS has difficulty explaining the problem in words when he is upset or dealing with someone new (like a substitute teacher). If there is a problem in the classroom, the teacher doesn't have time to try to get the story from him. As an example, when he was sent to the principal'a office last spring for not sitting in his seat, he wouldn't explain to the sub and the principal wasn't there. So he couldn't explain that the problem was that his lunchbox had been taken.

If he had someone he trusted, who would have more time (e.g., a school nurse or counselor who might be able to let him sit to collect his thoughts and explain), then he would have a chance to explain what was going on rather than having an escalating system of punishment. Even if he had been misbehaving, it would be a chance for him to try to explain what had happened to better address it.

My thought is that, rather than send him to the principal, the teacher or sub could send him to someone else (not associated with punishment) to try to figure out what the problem was and to remind him of coping strategies.

The principal at the public school last year gave him an apple that he was supposed to put on his desk as a signal if there was a problem and he needed to see the principal (e.g., if he was being bullied). That wouldn't require any words. I thought it was a good idea, but DS wouldn't so it. I think part of the reason was that being sent to the principal was usually a punishment and looked to the other kids like punishment. If he could do something similar with someone who didn't have the same role in discipline, it could help a great deal (and that person could help him sort through his thoughts to talk with the principal if discipline were appropriate).

It could work by either having DS use some signal (like the apple in his desk) that he needed help or by having the teacher send him if there were some problem and he couldn't (or wouldn't) talk. When DS is upset, he's silent around strangers and school authority figures (almost like a selective mutism).

My thought is that I would be happy if he would just talk with someone, then they could either send him back to the classroom while telling the teacher the story or send him to the principal if there were a disciplinary issue. I would just want to know what happened to help him work through it, but he can tell me. The main thing is that he needs better ways to communicate his needs at school.

I think your suggestion of active listening and then suggesting courses of action would be ideal if someone could do that. Realistically, though, I'd just be happy with better communication.

As a side note, I am so grateful to have somewhere like this to talk through these ideas. Thank you very much!

This sounds great... a plan is forming. Might you ask DS what he would like to use as a signal that he'd like to talk with his safe person?

PM'd you.