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I had a meeting with my son's new teacher today to prepare for first grade. He is six.

I'll give the background below, but the basic issue is that I'm not sure what I can ask for. My son has difficulties with some things (explained below). However, they say that he isn't eligible for any 504 or IEP accommodations even if he gets a diagnosis because he works ahead of grade level and there is nothing they could offer. He is having enough difficulty that he won't be able to stay in school if we can't resolve the issues. They don't offer any sort of therapy or accommodations for executive function or attention issues if a child is working above grade level. They say he isn't eligible for speech or social skills even if diagnosed with a relevant disorder or pragmatic speech delay because there is nothing preventing him from doing grade appropriate work (evidenced by his high scores on standardized testing). This is true of both possible schools (a public school and a charter school).

Last year, his teacher let him work independently on second grade work on the computer. That helped a great deal, but he had trouble with subs because they tried to have him do the regular work and he wouldn't. He was sent to a first grade class for reading and apparently did fine there. However, he just has a great deal of difficulty staying quiet and well-behaved when he isn't interested in the work; he gets up and tries to be other kids to play with him or to be a class clown.

He has no diagnosis, but had severe developmental delays that eventually resolved. He shows an odd pattern on testing, though (missing easy questions and getting harder ones, etc.), and still struggles with certain things. He definitely finds some things harder than other kids; he has been tested extensively, but some things just may get clearer as he gets older.

Despite his teacher's efforts to give him independent work, he sometimes has to be patient and just has a lot of trouble. It may be an impulse control or executive function issue; he just has trouble doing things he isn't interested in and has some difficulty with social skills (he was bullied last year). It could also be straight boredom combined with insufficient maturity.

The new teacher asked if we wanted him skipped a grade, but I don't see how we can do that unless he can learn to follow classroom rules even when bored occasionally. It sounds to me as though he is going to be on his own to manage or not manage.

I'm not sure there is anything else I can do or ask for, besides trying to get him the same options as last year. Has anyone successfully obtained accommodations for a child working above grade level?

It occurs to me that your state may have curriculum frameworks for social-emotional development (they are usually under the health frameworks), in which case he may be meeting academic criteria in the "regular" subjects, but not in the health/social-emotional frameworks. If it's part of the frameworks/curriculum guide that that the DOE puts out, then it's part of grade-appropriate performance. And that makes it a major life activity covered under section 504.

A sampling from each coast below:

From the MA standards:

Social and Emotional Health PreK–2 Standard 5 MENTAL HEALTH
Strand
elop skills needed in daily life as they
come to learn about their identity
and how to manage interactions
with other people.
Students will acquire knowledge about emotions and physical health, the
management of emotions, personality and character development, and social
awareness; and will learn skills to promote self-acceptance, make decisions,
and cope with stress, including suicide prevention. .
PreK–12 Standard 6 FAMILY LIFE
Students will gain knowledge about the significance of the family on
individuals and society, and will learn skills to support the family, balance
work and family life, be an effective parent, and nurture the development of
children. .
PreK–12 Standard 7 INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
n that relationships with others are an integral part of the human life
experience and the factors that contribute to healthy interpersonal
relationships, and will acquire skills to enhance and make many of these
relationships more fulfilling through commitment and communication.

From the CA standards: K-3 Expectation 1

...promote positive bonding to peers and adults in the school and community and identifying a support system.
Developing and using effective communication skills to enhance social interactions.
Developing and using effective coping strategies...goal setting...assertiveness...
...practicing self control
...friendship and peer relationships

As aeh suggested, my son is ahead of grade (entering 1st this year) in all his academic work, but classified as "developmentally delayed" in social-emotional skills and has an IEP. If you have access to an advocate, I would recommend talking to one familiar with your district. It sounds like they are not really classifying students appropriately if they are denying consideration of an IEP because his grades are good. You might want to poke around wrightslaw.com, too.

Good luck!

How do they measure skills like that, though? I haven't seen those in the requirements, but am going to the DOE site right now to look. It just seems like those could be difficult to quantify. Are certain tests commonly used? Because DS has been tested quite a bit, I might already have the testing. He does better in a testing environment than in a classroom, though.

Thanks very much for the help!

SLPs have tests for pragmatics. E.g., the pragmatics checklist of the CELF-5. The CELF-5 Metalinguistics (for ages 9+). Clinical observations from a speech path.

There are also social skills checklists. SSRS, SRS, etc. You may have some of these if anyone screened him for ASD. Even if they're sub-clinical for ASD, they may be normatively low.

Another option is work skills, which is on many IEPs. This includes work completion, time management, following directions, time on task.

I asked about classroom behavior and was told there was no help for that. What sort of help could they offer if he did qualify for that? His speech therapist would do the CELF or something else if I asked even if the school doesn't want to, then I could use that to strengthen my argument if needed. Everyone keeps telling me there is nothing else they can do. He is only six, so some options may not be available.

We did behavioral checklists that the teacher also filled out - the evaluation says it was the Social Skills Improvement System (SSIS).

I looked up the required curriculum. There isn't much (e.g., he knows how to share during a game), but some of them require him to "discuss" things. If they ask open ended questions, he's guaranteed to fail in a testing situation.

So if he did qualify for social skills, what sort of help could we ask for? They told me previously when I asked that they only offer social skills if kids qualify in another area as well.

My son has a special ed teacher doing four sessions a week with him working on social skills. She does one pull-out session where she works with him one-on-one (not sure what they do for this), one push-in session in the classroom coaching him on working with other kids, and two push-in sessions at recess coaching him on playing with other kids.

apm221, our 2e ds' situation was different (in terms of challenges and needs), but we were able to successfully advocate for an IEP in elementary school in spite of his high ability and achievement levels, at a school where we received a *lot* of pushback. Here are a few tips based on our experience - they aren't in any particular order, and I don't know that any of them will be helpful for your situation, but fwiw - here they are!

1) I'll second the suggestion of finding a local advocate if you can. Sometimes you are able to find an advocate at no cost - look on the yellow pages at wrightslaw.org to see if there are any groups listed in your state. Even if there isn't a contact # listed for your area/city - if there is a group in your state call them and ask what resources are available locally, or ask if they can help from a distance.

2) It helped us tremendously to have a private diagnosis report stating needs that could be related to classroom/academics. I realize you don't have that yet, but maybe you can think outside the box a bit - would your pediatrician, for instance, be willing to write a letter explaining the impact of your ds' challenges in the classroom?

3) Does your ds have any similar challenges at home or in other group settings? Although it doesn't seem to relate directly to school, it's additional evidence. On one hand, it might simply be illustrating that he always deals with "x" when placed in a situation that "y" occurs (as opposed to his classroom behavior being viewed by the school as oppositional, purposeful, unmotivated etc), or otoh, it might illustrate that he reacts in way "y" when faced with boredom or frustration or lack of challenge - i.e., it's simply more evidence that when placed in a situation that (fill in the blank) occurs, your ds will react with (fill in the blank).

4) The school staff told us over and over again "there is nothing we can do". But there are things they can do - that "nothing we can do" statement means something else - either "we don't see a problem" or "we see a problem but don't understand it" or "we see a problem, we understand it, but we aren't going to do anything about it" are just a few of the most-likely things behind the statement. No matter which meaning is behind it, the way to approach it is the same - arm yourself with knowledge of *what* is behind the behavior (as much as you can), and *you* put together a list of what could be done to help in the classroom and to help him develop life/coping skills. This may sound intimidating or difficult - but it doesn't have to be. Think through the situations you've described to us, write them down, and then brainstorm a solution that you think will work. That's your starting point. Then look at your state's education website - is there any documentation there stating "typical accommodations" (most likely under the SPED section, possibly in a handbook). Might not exist in all states, but it's there in the state I live in. See if any of the "typical" accommodations match ideas you have - if they do, these will be the accommodations that will be (eventually) easy to get. That doesn't mean you don't ask for the other accommodations/remediation/etc your ds needs - but by knowing what is typical you can see if those are thrown out in a meeting to appease you, and if they are, you say "that's a good idea, now let's review these additional needs". When they say "that's not something we've ever done for other students" or whatever, remind the team that you are not meeting to discuss other students' needs, you are meeting to discuss the unique and individual needs of your ds.

5) Don't ever forget the phrase "Free Appropriate Public Education" - you are seeking access to FAPE for your ds. Remind the school staff of that when they stone-wall you.

6) There is a letter that specifically addresses the issue of whether or not IDEA applies to children who are considered "gifted" - I think it's called the Lillie Felton letter - but may not quite have the name correct. You can find it on the wrightslaw website (or if HK is lurking in this thread, I think she has a link - I'm pretty sure I've seen her mention it a few times here :)).

7) Our ds had high IQ and achievement scores (in his case, the achievement scores didn't match IQ across the board due to his disability, but they were still higher than what they needed to be to qualify based on low achievement scores per official school district policy). What did help was having one key test that he clearly didn't perform well on, and it also helped to be able to show the not-so-obvious ways in which his disability subtly impacted the IQ testing and the relationship of IQ to achievement tests. I don't know what that test or report will be for your ds, but try to figure out what specifically might be challenging him and see if you can't get testing or a behavioral survey or whatever that will capture it. An updated eval by your SLP which includes the CELF mentioned above might be a good place to start.

8) You mentioned difficulty with open-ended questions - this may not apply at all to your ds, but fwiw my ds struggled tremendously with this, and the test that captured it for him was the TOWL - there is a part of the TOWL which requires the student to look at a picture and write about it. Write anything at all - and my ds who couldn't answer open-ended questions also couldn't write enough words for his test to be scored. That was, for him, the test result that the school simply couldn't argue with. They *did* try to administer it to him twice and had the same result. They didn't believe that it was due to an actual challenge but thought he was being obstinate, so they picked another portion of another test (a subtest of the PAL) to try to test the same type of challenge but without having to write from an open-ended picture prompt, and once again, he scored very very low.

9) I found that for my 2e kids (I also have a younger dd with a second e) - the WJ-III Test of Cognitive Abilities was more helpful in capturing the degree of a discrepancy when it was a very narrow area of challenge. My ds has an obvious discrepancy that jumps out on the WISC (relatively low PSI subtests), but my dd does not. On the WJ-III, my ds' challenge jumped out as even more obvious (higher ceilings for areas of strength, and one specific subtest that caught the challenge, and on the WJ-III it showed up as a lower percentile (significantly lower) than it did on the WISC. My dd had the WJ-III before the WISC testing, and on her WJ-III there was, again, one single subtest that had a significantly lower score than the others, and it was something that the tester was then able to verify was an issue. It impacts her ability to read, and when she was later evaluated by a reading specialist, most of the testing she had (which would also be the type of testing she received at school) showed up average or above average, but a few specific subtests buried inside of other reading specialist tests showed the same discrepancy (same cause). Later on our dd had the WISC administered and nothing showed up as a discrepancy (at all) on the WISC - there just isn't a subset that grabs that particular ability clearly.

10) My ds' 2nd "e" didn't really appear as anything other than behavioral issues during K-2nd grade - but it was, in fact, an actual challenge that was directly impacting his ability to do his schoolwork. Your ds may simply be bored, or he might have some type of challenge that is making it difficult for him to cope in the classroom. I really *really* wish we had understood his challenges better when he was younger (he was diagnosed at the end of 2nd grade), and truthfully the pieces were there to hint strongly that there was a challenge, but it simply took time and real-world experiences to understand what was happening. It also took a lot of observing, trying things out, and re-thinking things as the elementary school years went by. He was ultimately diagnosed with a second "second e" in later elementary - but we had to get through finding and accommodating for the first e before he could demonstrate enough of his knowledge for us to realize there was still another "e" lurking. You'll also most likely find that during the next few years, as your ds matures, he will start to be able to share with you connections between how he feels and what's going on with school, classroom, etc - and that will help you too in putting together the puzzle pieces.

11) You've heard from the schools "there is nothing preventing him from doing grade appropriate work (evidenced by his high scores on standardized testing)." When this statement comes up, just ignore if you can the comment about "grade level work" and refocus the conversation back on the specific challenges that are preventing him from "COMMUNICATING HIS KNOWLEDGE". Sorry for the caps! - but it's a very important distinction. The school might not be required to educate him beyond their grade-level curriculum, but they are required to allow him to communicate his knowledge.

Last thing - you mentioned "both public and charter schools" - just a small detail, but in most areas, "charter" schools *are* public schools that receive Federal and State funding, so they are covered by the same legal requirements under IDEA and ADAA as your neighborhood public school is.

I hope some of that helps - sorry it's so long! I suspect if we were sitting down together I would have another 9 million things to suggest - some of it not terribly encouraging. It took us several years to get an IEP for ds, and ultimately once we had the IEP it was "weak" and we had to rely on private therapy/tutoring/etc to truly remediate. I hope you'll have better luck in getting what you need for your ds through school.

Best wishes,

polarbear

This is all so helpful - thank you! I am writing down these ideas so I can look up the resources and think through how to implement them.

My son's psychologist has suggested sending some checklists for the teacher because that might help to identify the exact problems in the classroom. We don't see the same things at home, but obviously he doesn't face the same challenges at home.

I will look over the suggested resources. I have tried asking around to see what other kids get and have been told that some schools do offer social skills groups for kids with ASDs. My son (as aeh mentioned) scores under ASD cutoffs but still elevated relative to normative scores. I asked the school if getting him an ASD diagnosis would help, but they said it would make no difference.

I have come to think that his biggest problems are impulse control (i.e., he wants to be well-behaved in class but just can't resist getting up to play even though he tries) and social communication (he takes longer to express things than other kids at school, even though he speaks rapidly at home when comfortable, so other kids start talking over him).

I'm not sure what I could ask for that would help with the impulse control. For communication, he needs someone to take the time to let him express himself if there is a problem - and that seems an easy fix that doesn't often happen (which is why he spent an afternoon in the principal's office by himself after someone else took his lunchbox).

One thing you might also ask around about is - does the charter school you are looking at seem to be willing to offer services to students who qualify or are they resistant (not just to your quest, but to other families). You could as the same of the other non-charter school also. If you're hearing that other schools in the district offer social skills services to children with ASD diagnoses, and you *aren't* seeing or hearing that at the schools you're looking at, that, combined with the things they've told you, is potentially a red flag that you're looking at schools that are not *wanting* to offer services and that may be difficult both to advocate with and to get adequate services and follow-through for them from once you have successfully advocated for them. That doesn't mean it will be impossible, just means it may be a bit of a fight (which you've already run into) plus it may mean that having an advocate to help guide you through the process will be important, if you can find one.

It's also probably worth letting yourself know - if they are making statements that are put out as a means of putting up a brick wall and discouraging you from proceeding further with a request for services (statements such as saying things like a student "can't qualify if they are working at grade level" etc), they may be assuming you are going to be intimidated by the statements and give up without understanding what they legally have to offer, what the legal process is, and what your ds is entitled to under the law. So sometimes things as simple as turning in a written request (see below) or mentioning FAPE etc will get you past this type of brick wall. I can tell you're well on your way to doing this, just mentioned it in case you are discouraged!

Another tactic that I used that worked well for responding to the nonsensical push-back that school staff would say at times was to always follow-up every phone call, every conversation, every meeting, with an email summarizing what I understood was said (emphasis on "I understood") and giving the other party a chance to respond with "that's not what we said". It not only clarifies that what they said (because they really did say it) wasn't appropriate, and it gives you a written record of what they can/are telling you officially at that point in time, that you can refer back to when you need to.


I am not an expert on IEPs, but fwiw, the students who qualify with ASD in our school district are qualified under "OHI" (Otherwise Health Impaired) - and I think you might be able to use that same qualifying "route" even if you don't have an ASD diagnosis. What you'd most likely need is a letter from a medical dr or psych stating the challenges and degree to which they impact your ds. The school will want to do their own evaluation, but if you have a letter from a medical dr and you submit a written request for an eligibility review, the school will have to at least call a team meeting and decide at that team meeting to either proceed with an eligibility review or give you a reason they feel it's not necessary. If they refuse to provide the eligibility review, you have a certain time period to appeal the decision.


I can't really think of anything specific re either at the moment but these are both issues that can be handled through accommodations, plus possibly issues that your ds would benefit from instruction in. I would consider using the example of how he sat in the principal's office as (I'm guessing) a consequence as a reason that he *needs* an IEP or a 504 plan for these situations. The response (on the part of the school) to a challenge needs to be appropriate, not punitive. Nothing is gained from any direction by putting a child in the principal's office all afternoon for a behavior (or other) issue that isn't due to willful bad behavior. First, a child should never be punished for something that they don't know how to do or don't have the control or ability to accomplish. Second, while he is sitting in the principal's office he is missing out on whatever learning is going on in the classroom, which means he's missing out on his FAPE.

In situations like this, it's convenient to have a "label" for the issue because you can state that the school can't punish a child for a behavior related to their disability. Even though your child doesn't have that "label" you can still express concern about the appropriateness of the consequence based on his known challenges, and also keep this as an example of why he needs an IEP/504.

Hope that makes sense!

Best wishes,

polarbear

They didn't leave him in the office all afternoon as a punishment. The sub saw he wouldn't sit (he wanted his lunch box back), the other kids said, "just send him to the principal's office," and she did. The principal wasn't there, so he sat on a bench all afternoon by himself with no one even asking what has happened. It makes me angry just thinking about it. This is the same kid who gets awards for good behavior when he is happy and his needs are met. When I picked him up, we both had to hunt for the lunchbox and finally found it under the cubbies.

The social skills options are in a larger district too far away to be an option. I've talked with someone who consults with school districts about accommodations and she told me there was no hope of getting anything if he's ahead of grade level. I'm not certain she is right, but it does seem like a struggle.

The charter school is very nice, but also very small. There are some good positives, but they just don't have the staff or facilities to provide special education. They do provide much better differentiation than the regular school, so that is helpful.

My daughter is extremely academically advanced and the picture of compliant, teacher's pet behavior. I think she has made them more accommodating of DS than they would be otherwise (which is unfair). I just don't want to leave DS in a negative situation for a too long while I try to work something out.

If I can develop specific ideas for what might help, then that would definitely be a good first step. The schools around here use corporal punishment and I have filed a letter saying they are not allowed, under any circumstances, to paddle my son. I worry that they see him as a troublemaker rather than as a child who is trying hard, though.

apm, we ultimately moved my ds out of public school even though we successfully advocated for an IEP. He went to a small private school that did *not* provide special education. What they did have was a staff that cared about making the right accommodations that would allow ds to be successful - and that made more of a difference than leaving him in public schools with an IEP every would have.

All school situations are different, of course - but fwiw, I wouldn't discount a school just because it was small or because it didn't offer sped services.

Best wishes,

polarbear

That makes sense. If I could just figure out what sorts of things would help, it would be easier to work out who could provide them.

Responding to a few things upthread:

A diagnosis of ASD would immediately make him eligible for at least a 504 under a disability category of autism. You might more easily get a diagnosis of communication disorder, though. Of course, this still requires figuring out what accommodations he needs. Remember that 504s are for major life functions, not necessarily grade-level achievement. If his disability is restricting his access to the major life function of positive peer relationships, then the district could absolutely write a 504 plan addressing social skills, bullying, etc.

An accommodation we frequently include for kids with a different understanding of social interactions is that they should not be subjected to any disciplinary action (such as being sent to the principal's office) without the supportive involvement of their special ed/504 liaison, the adjustment counselor, guidance counselor, therapeutic support person, or school psychologist (usually up to three of these staff are listed, the specific ones depending on who has the closest trusting relationship with the student). This allows a professional with understanding of the disability in question to act as an advocate and interpreter for the child, and a coach to help them get through what is usually a very stressful experience.

And I would agree that the best placement is the one where staff are willing to relate to each child as an individual, and do for them what they need. Ignorance and skill deficits can be remedied by inservicing and coaching. Attitudes and educational ideologies cannot.

These suggestions are very helpful and I'm working my way through them. The charter school is really nice and tries to be flexible. However, they only have a part time special education teacher and counselor who may well not even have certifications in those areas (I'm not sure). So I don't think there would be anyone who could help DS outside of his classroom teacher. At the public school, they do have more resources. I like the charter school and am not trying to be dismissive; they have tried really hard to help DS and I'm just getting discouraged that it's possible.

I talked with DS about these ideas and he really likes the option of a trusted adult he could talk with whenever something was wrong. When he is upset, he won't talk or explain unless someone really takes some time. I'm not sure if the charter school could offer anyone to do it, but the public school surely has someone (even if just the school nurse) who could let him sit quietly and try to explain rather than just going to the principal's office.

Well said! This bears repeating.Therefore I have repeated it.

I agree! But I often wish I could just homeschool.

The charter school has been very accommodating and accepted DS at the very end of the last school year. I have just been worried that they won't be able to handle DS if he has more difficulty as more is expected, and also his best friends are at the public school.

He can go to either this fall and we're running out of time to decide, while I also think it would be wrong to keep moving him). I didn't go into all of this in my first post for simplicity.

Could he shadow for a day and contribute input to a decision?

In an ideal world, I would agree. Unfortunately the reality for many gifted kiddos is that they may quickly outpace the curriculum/services/students in any given learning environment therefore parents may need to re-visit placement decisions as the child's developmental/academic/intellectual/social/emotional needs change. The best fit (or least worst fit) one year may not be same the next year... or even mid-year.

Keep options open, don't feel obliged to stick to a decision which is no longer useful/beneficial/optimal if there are other more useful/beneficial/optimal options.

If it helps, make a list of PROs and CONs regarding each option. Brainstorm as a family... does anyone have additional items for either list? As a family, weight each factor... maybe using a scale of 1-5, where 1 matters a little and 5 matters a lot. Possibly a child would see friends as a 5 and everything else as a 1. Possibly parents would see factors such as IEP/504 as a 5 and length of commute as a 1. Creating a decision methodology can help a family:
- analyze the factors important to them in making their decision,
- keep a track record which may be useful in adjusting to a learning environment,
- provide input for use in future decision making.

I have another question... If I pursue a 504 plan, one concern I have is that it could change how DS is viewed. If he isn't tested carefully, he doesn't cooperate and gets spectacularly low scores. That gives a very different impression if what he needs from accurate testing.

If they will just accept my private testing as documentation, then it seems to me that would be fine. If they want to do their own testing, there s a very real risk if will not be accurate due to DS being stressed.

Do I understand correctly that we would just need documentation for a 504 plan, or would the school need to do their own testing? I know they require their own testing if I request any special education services. If they test well, there would be no problem with them doing the testing. If it's rushed and they don't build a rapport with DS, it would be disastrous (unfortunately, I know this from prior experience).

Indigo, I must have been writing at the same time as you. I have tried to talk with DS about his preferences and he says he doesn't know. He likes the charter school, but also loves his friends. He might be able to weight a list of things like you have suggested. We will try that and discuss it as a family to see if it helps. He has responded very positively to the idea of having a safe person to talk with if there is a problem and I am going to talk with the charter school about it on Monday. His sister wants him at the charter school with her; in trying to find good placements for both kids, they have only ever been at the same school for part of a year.

An idea, in case it may help: You may wish to think of a model conversation for the "safe person" to engage in with your son. In other words, what are your expectations... what works well with your son... what might the safe person use as a guide...?
- Would an ideal be just listening?
- Possibly active listening, in which the listener may re-phrase what they heard into questions, seeking clarification, affirming, and presenting other possible viewpoints/interpretations?
- Possibly helping introduce words regarding emotions, strength of emotions across a continuum, shades of meaning?
- Possibly suggest viable courses of action your son may take when presented with a similar situation in the future?
- Possibly help him remove emotion from his descriptions and describe a situation factually and impartially?

It seems there needs to be coaching or guidance toward a desired positive outcome... learning support of a life skill in communicating (with intensity ), so the meetings are more than negative rant, and provide a sense of moving forward.

Logistically, how would safe-person meetings work? For example, how would your son notify the teacher he is leaving the classroom or group for an approved "conference" or meeting with the safe person? Is a backup person needed in the event the safe person is unavailable? Would you like a report when he has had a meeting? Etc.

The main thing is that DS has difficulty explaining the problem in words when he is upset or dealing with someone new (like a substitute teacher). If there is a problem in the classroom, the teacher doesn't have time to try to get the story from him. As an example, when he was sent to the principal'a office last spring for not sitting in his seat, he wouldn't explain to the sub and the principal wasn't there. So he couldn't explain that the problem was that his lunchbox had been taken.

If he had someone he trusted, who would have more time (e.g., a school nurse or counselor who might be able to let him sit to collect his thoughts and explain), then he would have a chance to explain what was going on rather than having an escalating system of punishment. Even if he had been misbehaving, it would be a chance for him to try to explain what had happened to better address it.

My thought is that, rather than send him to the principal, the teacher or sub could send him to someone else (not associated with punishment) to try to figure out what the problem was and to remind him of coping strategies.

The principal at the public school last year gave him an apple that he was supposed to put on his desk as a signal if there was a problem and he needed to see the principal (e.g., if he was being bullied). That wouldn't require any words. I thought it was a good idea, but DS wouldn't so it. I think part of the reason was that being sent to the principal was usually a punishment and looked to the other kids like punishment. If he could do something similar with someone who didn't have the same role in discipline, it could help a great deal (and that person could help him sort through his thoughts to talk with the principal if discipline were appropriate).

It could work by either having DS use some signal (like the apple in his desk) that he needed help or by having the teacher send him if there were some problem and he couldn't (or wouldn't) talk. When DS is upset, he's silent around strangers and school authority figures (almost like a selective mutism).

My thought is that I would be happy if he would just talk with someone, then they could either send him back to the classroom while telling the teacher the story or send him to the principal if there were a disciplinary issue. I would just want to know what happened to help him work through it, but he can tell me. The main thing is that he needs better ways to communicate his needs at school.

I think your suggestion of active listening and then suggesting courses of action would be ideal if someone could do that. Realistically, though, I'd just be happy with better communication.

As a side note, I am so grateful to have somewhere like this to talk through these ideas. Thank you very much!

This sounds great... a plan is forming. Might you ask DS what he would like to use as a signal that he'd like to talk with his safe person?

PM'd you.