Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need help with emotional intensity

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From a formerly intensely emotional child who became a very easy going teenager: don't abandon hope.

For me I didn't learn to control my emotions as much as I learned to control my perspective and filters. Which I did By building up thoughts and questions to make myself understand my reactions to situations and rethinking my actual sense of value on those.

You might be able to appeal to his curiousity about what triggers his thoughts to lead to his strong emotions. Maybe he'd enjoy reading about cognitive behavior therapy.

Kinda guesswork, because I'm not sure if I could've been led to that place by anyone but myself.

When does this happen? Afterschool? Is he hungry? Does he need time to just decompress? Or to get out and run around? Not getting enough sleep and needs a nap/rest time?

The key to understanding my child was realizing that he is an introvert and after a day at school he NEEDS downtime where he is just doing something fun/relaxing for a while. He has just spend 6 hours forced to interact with other people. And to realize that he was a growing boy who needed FOOD by 3 in the afternoon. Both of those things help my child.

In addition if he is getting emotional after school, perhaps something is going on during school. Some kids really hold in their emotions at school only to just let go when they get home.

Good Luck. I hope you can figure it out.

Hi Portia. I also have an intense one who reacts very easily. Like bluemagic mentioned, my guy needs to unwind for at least 20 minutes by himself (usually with a book), after any sort of "event" (school, party, etc.). That said, he can still be difficult. I also worry about the teen years. Everyone tells me that my husband, who is so laid back and quiet now, used to be *exactly* like this. So I have hope.

We always have this ramp up before the end of the year, if that helps. I also found Living with Intensity to be a good read. I don't know if it helped me much, aside from knowing I wasn't alone. Worth the read in my opinion, although you won't find any magic solution contained therein.

My son was at his worst as pre-teen (11/12). Now that he is 15 he has calmed down. Some of that seems to be maturity and some of was due to the therapy we got him as a preteen. Therapists helped him figure out to calm himself down when he started to get anxious.

So, worse before it gets better? This is going to continue to be a very interesting ride.

We started him in outside OT to address auditory sensitivities and some other vestibular "stuff" and we have seen a decrease in behaviors at home. I'm not convinced it's entirely OT (although I certainly hope it is), but I'm enjoying it at this relatively calmer moment.

Our situation was slightly different but we found "The Explosive Child" to be a useful book.

The basic premise that they don't have the skills to be able to handle the situation rang true for us and since adopting the approach from the book we've been able to help our DS calm down in a variety of situations. It is still a work in progress but at least it feels like we're moving in the right direction.

Now off to find the Living with Intensity book.

Portia, I can't speak to the emotional side of raising an older child, but I can make a suggestion about processing embarrassment and developing a tolerance for missteps that worked for me: improv comedy. Frankly, I think every school should teach public speaking and self-confidence covertly through improv because it provides a safe forum to look like a total fool at times and still be accepted and valued. Some of my best improv memories came from sketches that flopped.

The emotional intensity is just so hard, isn't it?

DS8 isn't good at handling embarrassment, either. And unfortunately, it happens a lot because he has lots of little quirks that other adults notice and call out. The embarrassment leads to worse behavior, meltdowns, and so on.

*hugs*

And if you liked "The Explosive Child," lots of good free resources from Dr. Ross Greene at this website:

http://www.livesinthebalance.org/