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    So it's been almost a year I think since I've posted or visited, partly because I've been overwhelmed with work and partly because I've somewhat given up on things getting better. It's been an exhausting year with our son's last year in mid school, and while he has enjoyed the more challenging work of finally being in gifted, the attitude and anger from the gifted teachers from their resentment of what they perceive as special treatment for my son has been exhausting to deal with. I'm hoping high school is better, but I'm not holding my breath.

    I wrote a blog on it - http://lisaabeyta.com/2014/03/31/advice_to_teachers/ - and I'm wondering if it would be wise or unwise to share with any of the teachers.

    Any thoughts on whether you'd send it or not? (wondering if my need to get feedback from you all isn't a sign that maybe I shouldn't, but thought I'd see what you all think...)

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    Lisa,

    I read your blog and feel your discouragement. I hope that writing it gave you some measure of relief. As for sharing it, I would suggest waiting a bit to decide. My fear is that those who don't get this know, likely won't, in the heat of reading it and feeling threatened (which seems to be where so many of these issues come from when it comes to teachers), react with understanding, let alone empathy.


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    Lisa - I had hoped that your absence lately had meant that all was going well, so I am so sorry to hear that it's been such a rough year. I appreciate so much that you wrote out your frustrations and that you've shared them with us.

    Like ConnectingDots, I would also consider waiting a bit before deciding to send it. There are parts I wouldn't send at all, other parts that I might send with a little bit of reworking to take out pieces I wasn't comfortable sending. I'd make more specific suggestions but don't have time right now.

    It sounds to me like there is a total disconnect at the school in terms of helping your ds develop the skills he needs to become independent in high school and later on, and that's sad (to me). We've had large gaps in teacher's understanding our ds' challenges with organizational skills, but it was handled much differently - rather than relying on the parent to be the cog in the wheel that is holding everything together the goal on the part of the school was *removing* the dependence on the parent - some things worked, others didn't - but I think that long-term that was the way to handle things. I was still very involved in supporting ds - but at home, not in weekly homework etc communications.

    Is this your ds' last year of middle school? For some reason I thought he was already in high school.

    I hope things get better for you both -

    Best wishes,

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    ABQMOm, I am not sure if you should send your blog to your son's teachers but I am fighting the urge to send it to my son's teachers! Especially this:

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    "the amount of vitriol, anger, accusations, frustration, and sometimes downright ugly comments that are directed at you and sometimes your child? Hearing at home your child recall some of the petty, mean things that teachers say in class in front of peers? It is heartbreaking. It is overwhelming. It hurts. And it resurrects the fiercest anger I’ve felt – one that has to be kept in check so that my child does not bear the brunt of the fallout that would surely come if I let a teacher or administrator know the truth about what I thought"

    and this:

    Quote
    "I’m sorry his personality isn’t all rainbows and puppies. Well, actually, I’m not. I like him just as he is – a completely open book with the most amazing honest insights I’ve ever seen. I love his purity and his willingness to hear very hard truths without being crushed under the weight of what he has to hear. If I had to hear half of what he did on a daily basis, I would be curled up in a fetal position waiting to die. So maybe you could figure out that not every child in your class needs to be the type that follows the rules without question, that doesn’t ask questions when he feels like something said isn’t correct, that doesn’t challenge your authority when you’re throwing it around like a medicine ball without any respect for the individual you’re targeting."

    Last edited by Irena; 03/31/14 07:03 PM.
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    ^ I agree with MON.

    It may be cathartic to put it in writing... I've been doing it for years (both with GT issues and also with 2e ones), but as my DH has sagely observed-- "No good can come of trying to share this stuff with 'civilians.' They don't live it, and unless they do, they CANNOT understand it. You only look irritating/crazy for being so out of step with the world."

    {hugs} to you. I'm sorry that things have been so endlessly frustrating. I do hope that the future holds improvements for you and your child. But I don't see sharing doing much to help that happen.

    I write a LOT of e-mail drafts that I never ever send. blush


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    And now it is confirmed that my rational side was in control when I posted here asking advice. I won't share it with them at all, as it won't help anything get better and won't make me feel better - although writing it was quite cathartic.

    I've missed you all and the support I found here.

    It's been a tough year. It started out quite well - iPad in place as an accommodation and 3/4 time in gifted with only math, science and band in regular ed.

    What I didn't expect is the entitled attitude from his gifted teachers. We are in a very high performing school, and somehow the teachers have gained an arrogance about being gifted teachers and have a philosophy that if you can't keep up with the workload, you don't deserve to be in gifted. They resent that they're forced to have a child in their otherwise speedy class that has severe enough learning disabilities that he requires time and attention. They all complain that they don't have time to deal with him and make unique project assignments, etc, to accommodate and that he should be moved back into regular ed (as if those teachers with 30+ kids have any more time than they do with 12-15 kids).

    This resentment - and my effort to push back to keep out of the cog that was responsible for everything - made them even more resentful.

    Add to that a child with no filter, and, well, it's been a powder keg of a year. He actually told his math teacher he wasn't doing homework until he was given relevant homework instead of the same work he'd been doing since 6th grade. You can imagine the love that created.

    Somehow what is good for a laugh track and a boatload of money on Big Bang Theory is not in the tiniest bit funny in real life.

    Ok. Done venting.

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    Not a lot of advice but sympathy. I've been there in your shoes. In 6th grade DS15 was in the top gifted classroom my district has to offer. This teacher whom I've heard other kids & parents sing praises about, told me to my face that my son was the most disruptive and misbehaving child he had ever had in his class. This teacher has only every taught a class for gifted and high performing kids and rarely had kids who misbehaved. He gave the kids a lot of freedom but in return demanded a high level of self sufficiency that my son wasn't ready for. My son was completely melting down in the middle of class. I will admit my son had some major problems that year, and he behavior was inappropriate. Crossing my fingers, so far the therapy he did and the maturity he has gained the past few years and things are now a lot better. (He is a H.S. freshman)

    I'm commenting because your story resonates and reminds me of that year. Our home life had become a battlefield, and homework had become a huge level of stress. I was getting calls/emails from the teacher, principal sometimes every day. Good Luck, hopefully venting will help you take everything in stride.

    Last edited by bluemagic; 03/31/14 08:17 PM.
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    master of none - was actually thinking of you when I posted, wondering if your year has been smooth.

    I'm not sure there is any getting on the same team, but the one thing we do have is the special ed chair - she cares about our kiddo and pulls him in to give him extra help on her own time. I am going to owe her one very big box of chocolates at the end of the year.

    Blue - thank you for the kind words. Amazing how much it helps to not feel alone.

    Last edited by ABQMom; 03/31/14 08:28 PM.
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    Oh ABQMom!

    {{{hugs}}}

    First let me tell you how happy I was to see your moniker when I logged on. I've thought of you a number of times and hoped things were going well for you and your DS. Second let me tell you that I *loved* your blog post. The teachers may not get it but rest assured that we do. We get it in spades! Thank you for voicing the frustrations that we all feel.

    As others have said I probably wouldn't share the blog with his teachers. For me it's less about fanning the flames - really how much worse could the situation really get? It's more because it wouldn't do much good. What I would consider, however, is possibly sharing it with the 2E director. If I recall correctly last year you discovered your district has a 2E program and that person was influential in getting your DS into the gifted program. If my memory is correct I think that person could really benefit from seeing this. Let him (or her) see what the 2E experience is really like in the district. Let him see what challenges need to be addressed in order for your DS to have a chance of succeeding in HS.

    I think your experience is incredibly valuable for all of us here and I thank you for sharing it. It has confirmed for me that I do not ever want to be in that position as the cog in the center of the wheel. Unfortunately if the parent takes on that role it allows the school to abdicate its responsibility. It opens the door for just what you so eloquently described.

    I can see this blog serving a really important purpose - it shows the need for someone ON THE DISTRICT TEAM to take on the role as the cog in the wheel. Someone ON THE DISTRICT TEAM to be the one keeping tabs on how DS is doing and fielding the questions and listening to the teachers vent. Your job is to be his mom and you do that amazingly well. You need to have the room to do that job and if you are the cog in the wheel here you are being cast in a different role.

    I remember last year you were having difficulty with a specific teacher - math or science right? I pointed out that sometimes people have to be hit upside the head with a cluebat. You have drafted a really good cluebat here. Personally I think sharing your frustrations with the 2E director will give you the most bang for your buck. Let him be the one to swing that bat.

    Welcome back. I hope all this feedback is what you were looking for.

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    What I didn't expect is the entitled attitude from his gifted teachers. We are in a very high performing school, and somehow the teachers have gained an arrogance about being gifted teachers and have a philosophy that if you can't keep up with the workload, you don't deserve to be in gifted. They resent that they're forced to have a child in their otherwise speedy class that has severe enough learning disabilities that he requires time and attention. They all complain that they don't have time to deal with him and make unique project assignments, etc, to accommodate and that he should be moved back into regular ed (as if those teachers with 30+ kids have any more time than they do with 12-15 kids).

    This resentment - and my effort to push back to keep out of the cog that was responsible for everything - made them even more resentful.
    I feel your pain here. We were in the same boat at the beginning of the year - high performing IB primary program with a pull-out gifted class that was, quite frankly, more work than I ever did in college. Because DS was unable to keep up, the teachers/principal had doubts about his giftedness (with a 155 IQ, mind you) and DS would call himself stupid. The principal was spiteful and mean and yelled "We're the education PROFESSIONALS" at me when I tried to advocate for a move to a full-time gifted program at a different school. Well, we went ahead and moved him to that school anyway (without the full time placement). Guess what? His teachers picked up on the fact that he should be in full-time gifted within about 10 minutes of knowing him. So that's where he'll be next year.

    I think sometimes our outside-the-box and/or 2E gifted kids do better at schools that are more laid back and are not just about prestige and performance. Just my opinion.

    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Add to that a child with no filter, and, well, it's been a powder keg of a year. He actually told his math teacher he wasn't doing homework until he was given relevant homework instead of the same work he'd been doing since 6th grade. You can imagine the love that created.
    Can I just say how much I love your son for that comment? My son would probably say something like this. And the thing that's so hard about these types of comments is that they're right. They shouldn't have to continue to do things for homework when they've already shown mastery. If the professionals who create, implement and/or execute these programs had read even a portion of the literature that's out there about gifted kids, they'd know this too.

    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Somehow what is good for a laugh track and a boatload of money on Big Bang Theory is not in the tiniest bit funny in real life.
    I keep telling my husband that I feel like we're raising Sheldon Cooper. I wish his mother was a real person so I could buy her coffee and ask her advice. smile

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    Cannot tell you what all the comments and support have meant to me - thank you so much! The blog post has been shared 83 times in the past hour on Facebook - according to my stats - so I'm thinking I hit a universal nerve. I have decided against sharing it with anyone until the year is over. When it is, I'll share it with the 2E director (thank you Pemberley for that suggestion) of our district as well as the special ed chair for our school - not to be punitive or ugly but so they can have an understanding of what it does to the parent when this dynamic happens.

    ConnectingDots - thanks for the advice; I took it. smile

    polarbear - yes, this is our last year in mid school. We're entering him in our local public high school next year, mainly because he has good friends so the transition will be good socially. They also have a gifted mentorship program starting his sophomore year when he can be off campus half day working somewhere in the community in a field of interest - at the university, one of the labs, a movie production studio - so I think if we can get through freshman year, the fit will be good thereafter.

    Irena - thank you for the support; and I meant what I wrote. I really am not at all sorry for his personality. I have come to love it.

    HowlerKarma - thanks for the virtual hugs. I seriously needed those. It's been overwhelming, but reaching out here has really, really helped.

    Pemberly - you actually put into words what I was feeling but didn't say. I DO NOT want to be the cog that keeps everything turning at school. It is exhausting, frustrating and futile. Thanks for the reminder about the bat - totally forgot about that and love it.

    Diamondblue - I actually love most of the "truths" my son ends up saying to teachers, because there is an honesty in them that peels away the hypocrisy that is so easy to adopt. I don't like it so much when it's aimed at me, but I've learned to accept that it is usually a great window into something I need to look at. And, yes, I'd love to invite Sheldon's mom out for coffee if only she existed.

    master of none - "As if they are entitled to treat your child like any other child..." oh did I need to be reminded of that. I so feel your frustration - all of my son's poor grades are due to zeros, mostly for work he's done but failed to turn in because it was lost or forgotten. I can see holding him back if he truly can't do 8th grade work, but that is not the case, so I'll become the litigious mom if we end up having a teacher trying to hold him back for failing grades due to zeros.

    They actually took the iPad away, and I agreed to it, because he was caught several times working on projects that were not for school during class time. He would be working on his business (he launched a business at a teen startup event here this past year), on a language he is making up, or doing research on something he found interesting rather than whatever was going on in class. I agreed to the removal, because I wanted to see whether it hurt him. It really hasn't, and all of the teachers say he is paying better attention, so we've kept the iPad at home. He doesn't want to do online learning, because he said he loves learning online and doesn't want to ruin that experience by making it for a grade. I kind of respect that sentiment, so we haven't pushed for an alternative option.

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    ABQ, I'm cheering for you too. And I know *exactly* how exhausting it is to be the cog. Yes yes yes.

    Are you having a transition planning meeting with the high school? Because all those zeroes are indeed EVIDENCE of something that should be accommodated and actively worked on at the HS. My middle schooler's IEP consists mostly of organizational goals at this point (and also controlling that honest edge-- yours reminds me of mine). This is entirely appropriate as a "functional skills" goal for a 2E teen.

    Hang in there.

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    DeeDee - our transition IEP had every teacher in attendance from his classes this year, the special ed chairs for mid school and for high school and the counselor he has for mid school and the one he'll have for high school. He asked to attend.

    The IEP started with the teachers wanting to give their candid thoughts about him, so they asked if he could step out of the room. His response was, "I personally don't care what you think of me, so my feelings won't be hurt. I'd rather stay and listen to what you have to say in case there are things I can address." This, of course, set the tone for the meeting and set the teachers off. We spent a half hour with all but one complaining about his work ethic, his laziness, his inability to turn things in or find work, the unwillingness to treat them with the respect they deserved, and his inappropriate comments that made the rest of the class laugh or misdirected the lesson into something that didn't matter. My kiddo listened to all of it, challenged a couple of the complaints and ended up being right, and actually apologized when he discovered that something he'd done had hurt a teacher's feelings when he had no idea that is how she felt.

    When one of the teachers told him that he was in danger of failing 8th grade, my kid told them, "No, I'm not. This is a social promotion state, and you'd have to get my parents to sign off on me being held back. And they're not going to hold me back because of some zeros because I haven't had the right support here."

    It lasted three hours, but the one silver lining is that the counselor and special ed chair for high school didn't seem tainted by the attitudes in the room and said they thought he'd find a much better fit in high school. They said they'd work to place him with teachers that they thought would be open to a more independent approach to learning and a more creative process for completing work.

    I've tasted of false hope before, though, so I know how crushing it can be to believe the promise and then it not be any different. But I'm hoping it will be better. I do know that I won't let them drag me in like this in high school. I can't survive it.

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    When one of the teachers told him that he was in danger of failing 8th grade, my kid told them, "No, I'm not. This is a social promotion state, and you'd have to get my parents to sign off on me being held back. And they're not going to hold me back because of some zeros because I haven't had the right support here."

    I think I'm in love with your son. That is six kinds of awesome.

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    "And they're not going to hold me back because of some zeros because I haven't had the right support here."

    Oh, ABQ, you have done a good job with this one. Yes, it's not done yet, but WOW. This child has the right kind of self-esteem. He knows what his issues are, but also knows the ways in which others are responsible to him.

    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    They said they'd work to place him with teachers that they thought would be open to a more independent approach to learning and a more creative process for completing work.

    In our experience, this makes an enormous difference in the outcome. Enormous. Skilled teachers who are willing to be on your DS's side will actually teach him what he needs to know and work him toward independence. At least, that's what I'm seeing for my DS (who also has hand-picked teachers for the same reasons).

    May it be so.

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    We spent a half hour with all but one complaining about his work ethic, his laziness, his inability to turn things in or find work, the unwillingness to treat them with the respect they deserved, and his inappropriate comments that made the rest of the class laugh or misdirected the lesson into something that didn't matter. My kiddo listened to all of it, challenged a couple of the complaints and ended up being right, and actually apologized when he discovered that something he'd done had hurt a teacher's feelings when he had no idea that is how she felt.

    When one of the teachers told him that he was in danger of failing 8th grade, my kid told them, "No, I'm not. This is a social promotion state, and you'd have to get my parents to sign off on me being held back. And they're not going to hold me back because of some zeros because I haven't had the right support here."

    It lasted three hours, but the one silver lining is that the counselor and special ed chair for high school didn't seem tainted by the attitudes in the room and said they thought he'd find a much better fit in high school. They said they'd work to place him with teachers that they thought would be open to a more independent approach to learning and a more creative process for completing work.

    I've tasted of false hope before, though, so I know how crushing it can be to believe the promise and then it not be any different. But I'm hoping it will be better. I do know that I won't let them drag me in like this in high school. I can't survive it.
    Good for him. That is wonderful he can advocate for himself.

    Last year when my husband & I were advocating for my son to be admitted to H. Biology rather than Earth Science this year. My son didn't want to push, didn't want to rock the boat but we both knew that pushing the school was the right thing. He received 99% on the tests in 8th grade science, but was not filling in the seatwork/homework completely. One question missing on a page, gave you a zero for the whole thing. His teacher didn't think he had the study skills for honors level science.

    H. Biology this year is wonderful. The students read the book (a significantly harder book), listen to lectures, take tests and do labs and write them up. There are no worksheets to fill out, most of the grade is the test. He is so much happier and it's his best class.

    I hope you son had better luck in H.S.

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    Resurrecting this old post to update you all - my kiddo is passing 8th grade on a "social pass". The stress got to be so high the last week and a half of school, with teachers angry in every class about missing work and only a few days left to find it, fix it, etc., that he was ending up in the nurse's office every day with anxiety and to cool off. He finally had melt down in science when the teacher accused him of cheating because he was looking around the room and his answers almost matched the girl next to him. When he told his teacher that it would be ridiculous to cheat since he could have written a better test than she did, you can imagine her reaction. He thought he was providing proof that cheating wasn't a possibility; she saw it as an extreme sign of disrespect. She started yelling, he asked to leave before he lost control, she said no, and he left anyway.

    After a long conference with his principal, we decided that his returning to school for the remaining few days would serve no useful purpose for anyone, especially since in our state the school can't hold him back.

    I've found a new psychologist, who once again says he is convinced this is not Aspergers or autism, but thinks it is, as he called it, "the gift of being 2E". The fact that he even knew what the word meant was encouraging. We're hoping some summer sessions to help the kiddo learn to deal with stress, anxiety, communication, and organization may help him cope better next year.

    So, no good news, but a lot learned. It doesn't look completely like Aspergers to me - the girls like him and are calling him, and he's quite charming with them as well, and he has a lot of friends. He wants friends, likes being around them - although he is completely fine on his own as well. But the communication, lack of reading expression and body language ... I hardly know where to look for answers.

    Hope the end of your school year was better than ours; thanks for all the support.

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    ABQ, how did the plan with the high school work out? Class placements appropriate? What kind of supports in place?

    ETA: at this point, it seems to me the dx is less important than meeting the needs that are beyond a shadow of a doubt not being met. He needs to learn organization and flexibility, as well as remembering to show respect for people in certain roles. The school can support these goals, and you have lots and lots of evidence to make the case that they should...

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    HUGS... This sounds so familiar. Except my son doesn't talk back to the teachers, he just sits there and doesn't say a word. Does this "social pass" hurt what classes he is enrolled in for next year?

    The end of my year is sounding very familiar to yours and my son's in 9th. Not going to go into the whole story right now, I've been posting most of the story. We are meeting with a psychologist tomorrow, and I'm hoping that she can help with how to get my son THROUGH H.S. Right at this moment it looks like my son will be dropped out of all his honors classes for next year. (Except...science & math with be with juniors & seniors.)

    We have 3 1/2 more weeks of school.

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    Dee Dee - the high school is considering half day academics had day mentorship at a tech startup or working on his own company. They want to wait until fall to see how the summer goes.

    I am hoping the behavioral psychologist can help with the behaviors, but my biggest worry is how to teach someone that something is considered rude when he thinks he is being helpful. He doesn't say things he knows are rude; it just never occurs to him that others will be offended by his sharing of facts as he sees them. That part is the hardest on him and those he interacts with - and a huge reason why I won't homeschool him. He needs all these experiences, as awful as they are, to begin building reference points of what people get upset about.

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    Master of none - indeed! He has turned back into the happy kid I know and love.

    Bluemagic, - the principal asked if I'd considered that he might not make it through high school. I told her that, of course I had, but I was expecting that maturity, better support, and therapy to make the possibility a lot less. Here is hoping the same for you!

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Bluemagic, - the principal asked if I'd considered that he might not make it through high school. I told her that, of course I had, but I was expecting that maturity, better support, and therapy to make the possibility a lot less. Here is hoping the same for you!
    On the phone the psychologist we are going to see tomorrow mentioned Early College programs. This is something I have considered for some time, but I'm not sure how to make it work. And these would required at least another year IN high school. Unlike other districts in my area, mine doesn't have anything set up with the local community colleges.

    Keep in mind that in H.S. they do have to PASS the class or they have to re-take it. No more social passing. And the grade will matter if he wants to attend university. My son is passing his classes, but at this point, it's just passing. He grades will go up after finals because he tests very well. Will the school work with you to get preferential teacher picks? I find different teachers, learning styles work better for my son. There was the 8th grade science teacher who interpreted one of my son's doodle as making fun of her, and other teachers that just "get" him and everything goes a lot smoother.

    Last edited by bluemagic; 06/01/14 11:03 PM.
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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Dee Dee - the high school is considering half day academics had day mentorship at a tech startup or working on his own company. They want to wait until fall to see how the summer goes.

    I am hoping the behavioral psychologist can help with the behaviors, but my biggest worry is how to teach someone that something is considered rude when he thinks he is being helpful.

    Does the behavioral psych acknowledge that this is a major problem with perspective-taking skills? DS doesn't know he's being rude because he's only seeing things from his own perspective, not that of the teacher or other people.

    It is a learnable skill-- BP could work on it if BP has that expertise. Or you could seek a really skilled SLP. My DS gets advanced perspective-taking training from an SLP through our school.

    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    He needs all these experiences, as awful as they are, to begin building reference points of what people get upset about.

    I agree. It would be more ideal if you could get him into a situation where he would receive both direct instruction and sympathetic coaching (a teacher who'll say "look at it from my perspective" as a reminder, for instance, instead of flipping out).

    It is also possible to write into a behavior intervention plan (addendum to IEP) that when he offends a teacher, here are the steps they must follow to prevent a problem. That can include that kind of coaching. If it's in the BIP it's mandatory...

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    Dee Dee - fabulous idea about the behavior addendum with steps to follow. That would help. And I had no idea there was such a thing as perspective training. I will look into it! And, yes, the psych was really adept even in an hour about asking things like relative moralism - my son's willingness to bend or ignore rules he has deemed stupid. He talked to him about gray morals - the areas outside of black and white boundaries and that he didn't stop to assess if there was harm or problems caused to others when he decided a rule had no purpose.

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    The SLP Michelle Garcia Winner has published perspective-taking curricula for various age groups. I'm not sure what she has for early HS age kids, but I bet she has something. I'm not a fan of everything she thinks, but she presents these ideas in useful ways.


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    What do you think is the teachers' perspective here?

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    When he tells them he doesn't care what they think? They feel disrespected, because they are in a role that commands respect. Whether he actually respects them or not, the social convention is to speak respectfully to people in that role.

    If you don't understand this, it makes life much harder.

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    Originally Posted by 22B
    What do you think is the teachers' perspective here?

    I don't need to guess; they've been very clear about their perspective. I think they're under the impression because my son doesn't have an appropriate filter that it is ok to not have one when addressing me. Some things they've said this year:

    He can be a little #$%^.

    He's obnoxious and conceited.

    His goal is to humiliate me in front of the other kids and make them laugh at me.

    He is undermining my efforts to help him.

    He is a braggart.

    He has these grandiose ideas that he's special.

    He is always bragging about having his own (using air quotes) company and that all these people want to be a part of it, and I know it's a bunch of bull@#%$.

    He is delusional. He thinks your company is his company and keeps saying he has this software company when I know he doesn't.

    He said he doesn't think he's going to college, so why should I even bother helping him? He thinks he's too special for help.

    Why can't you just homeschool him? He's a problem in my class, and he isn't learning anything anyway.

    Have you thought about an alternative school? He doesn't fit here.

    Have you thought about homeschooling him? You might understand what we're going through if it was you.

    I like you son, but he's ...

    He's a great kid, but he's

    I feel sorry for him. He means well, but I am sick of him doing ....


    So I don't really need to guess. I sympathize with the challenges, and I do think some of his teachers this year did a fairly good job of holding him accountable without thinking he could be "fixed". But this was the worst year ever when it came to appropriate accommodations, placement, or teachers who didn't resent that he was in gifted and still got his accommodations. That was the thing that was the worst - somehow thinking that a child shouldn't be allowed to be in a gifted classroom with appropriate content until they'd "gotten over" their learning disabilities which required acommodations.

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    teachers who didn't resent that he was in gifted and still got his accommodations. That was the thing that was the worst - somehow thinking that a child shouldn't be allowed to be in a gifted classroom with appropriate content until they'd "gotten over" their learning disabilities which required acommodations.

    ABQmom, I am so sorry. And yeah, this is so, so common. I find there is A LOT of resentment about a gifted kid needing accommodations or a child with learning disability being in gifted.

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    ABQ,
    I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. I hope the HS is better.

    This is your youngest kid and you'll never need this middle school again, right?

    I do think these inappropriate comments should be reported up the chain of command-- not to get anyone into trouble, but as information. Your district is undoubtedly aware that discriminatory treatment of people with disabilities is against the law. These comments and the failure to give the accommodations are legally actionable; if they have any clue at all at the district level they will want to ensure that this stops.



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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Originally Posted by 22B
    What do you think is the teachers' perspective here?

    I don't need to guess; they've been very clear about their perspective. I think they're under the impression because my son doesn't have an appropriate filter that it is ok to not have one when addressing me. Some things they've said this year:

    He can be a little #$%^.

    He's obnoxious and conceited.

    His goal is to humiliate me in front of the other kids and make them laugh at me.

    He is undermining my efforts to help him.

    He is a braggart.

    He has these grandiose ideas that he's special.

    He is always bragging about having his own (using air quotes) company and that all these people want to be a part of it, and I know it's a bunch of bull@#%$.

    He is delusional. He thinks your company is his company and keeps saying he has this software company when I know he doesn't.

    He said he doesn't think he's going to college, so why should I even bother helping him? He thinks he's too special for help.

    Why can't you just homeschool him? He's a problem in my class, and he isn't learning anything anyway.

    Have you thought about an alternative school? He doesn't fit here.

    Have you thought about homeschooling him? You might understand what we're going through if it was you.

    I like you son, but he's ...

    He's a great kid, but he's

    I feel sorry for him. He means well, but I am sick of him doing ....

    Okay, that's what they claim, but what is the truth?

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    Some of those comments sound like the teacher is projecting meaning on what may be intended in an entirely different way. We had very similar comments from an adminstrator about our son last year. She backed down very quickly when I called her on some of them, particularly those regarding him bragging, thinking he was special, etc. Turns out she didn't have anything other than a vague idea that might be the case.

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    I have had similar experiences with my son's teacher this year in terms of her seeing his words and actions as mal-intentioned and as "bragging" etc. I have posted before how his asking for harder worksheets and to learn something more are considered by both of his teachers as having a bad attitude and "bragging." Both have remarked to that more than once, I have found out. Today, DS said a girl in his class was giving a power point presentation and it was about snails and, apparently, one of her slides (or whatever they are) said "snails live in the gas." Ds told me that he said "wait, wait a second, snails live in gases? really?" The teacher immediately said "uh uh, you're not doing that!" and he got in trouble . Once he realized that the girl had misspelled grass as gass, he realized that the teacher thought he was trying to be mean... But he said he wasn't, he really was curious as to what she meant ... He said he actually got a little excited that there "may be some special snail creatures that thrive in certain gases or gaseous biomes!" (LOL way too much time on minecraft) He is totally not a good speller himself and he said that to me - he was like "I am a terrible speller myself, I wouldn't have made fun of her." The teachers this year, especially as the year has progressed , seem to increasingly see DS as arrogant/bragging/etc. Things where he really isn't bragging just being honest - like "can I have a harder worksheet to do?" "Can I learn long division now since I mastered all of this stuff and have showed you I mastered it?" "Can I read out of the 'black basket?' The books look really interesting and they seem pretty much on my level." I am sure he also has bragged on occasion , I mean he is 8... I hear the 8 year olds bragging all of the time (mostly about sports though). However seems like every time my son opens his mouth they assume a mal-intent behind it.

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Originally Posted by 22B
    What do you think is the teachers' perspective here?

    I don't need to guess; they've been very clear about their perspective. I think they're under the impression because my son doesn't have an appropriate filter that it is ok to not have one when addressing me.

    ABQMom, I am just beyond astounded at some of the things that have been said directly to you. Even if they were true, they aren't comments that a professional who is working with the public should *ever* make to *anyone*... and they certainly seem to indicate a total lack of caring to understand on the part of the teachers who made them.

    Quote
    this was the worst year ever when it came to appropriate accommodations, placement, or teachers who didn't resent that he was in gifted and still got his accommodations. That was the thing that was the worst - somehow thinking that a child shouldn't be allowed to be in a gifted classroom with appropriate content until they'd "gotten over" their learning disabilities which required acommodations.

    This has a been a huge brick wall for us on more than one occasion to - to be honest I think part of the problem is simply that 2e kids are "rare" enough that teachers aren't familiar with them... and our schools haven't done a good job yet of spreading awareness. I think it's going to be easier as time goes by for the kids who are in the ranks behind our kids, thanks to the advocacy we've done. Which doesn't make it fair or any easier to be the parent who's having to fight constantly *now* to get FAPE for their 2e student. I think that if you have it in you, though, it's important to address these comments once school is out and you're no longer a parent to a student attending the school. Someone in the district has to know about it - you don't have to be accusatory about it, but just matter-of-factly let the district know that the comments etc happened. If you have ideas about what would have been more appropriate, you can always include that as a suggestion. I have my own ideas, but this post will go on too long if I start thinking through that right now!

    Sending your ds tons of good wishes for high school next year!

    polarbear

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    Originally Posted by 22B
    Okay, that's what they claim, but what is the truth?

    I am wondering if you have something in mind -if you have something specific you're thinking about, I'd be interested to know so we can talk about it?

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    Polarbear - would LOVE your ideas.

    Irena - yes - this is very similar to what goes on with us.

    ConnectingDots - somehow there is comfort in knowing others face this; it feels very alone in the moment of it all

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Originally Posted by 22B
    Okay, that's what they claim, but what is the truth?

    I am wondering if you have something in mind -if you have something specific you're thinking about, I'd be interested to know so we can talk about it?

    I'm simply asking: what's really happening.

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Originally Posted by 22B
    What do you think is the teachers' perspective here?

    I don't need to guess; they've been very clear about their perspective. I think they're under the impression because my son doesn't have an appropriate filter that it is ok to not have one when addressing me. Some things they've said this year:

    He can be a little #$%^.

    He's obnoxious and conceited.

    His goal is to humiliate me in front of the other kids and make them laugh at me.

    He is undermining my efforts to help him.

    He is a braggart.

    He has these grandiose ideas that he's special.

    He is always bragging about having his own (using air quotes) company and that all these people want to be a part of it, and I know it's a bunch of bull@#%$.

    He is delusional. He thinks your company is his company and keeps saying he has this software company when I know he doesn't.

    He said he doesn't think he's going to college, so why should I even bother helping him? He thinks he's too special for help.

    Why can't you just homeschool him? He's a problem in my class, and he isn't learning anything anyway.

    Have you thought about an alternative school? He doesn't fit here.

    Have you thought about homeschooling him? You might understand what we're going through if it was you.

    I like you son, but he's ...

    He's a great kid, but he's

    I feel sorry for him. He means well, but I am sick of him doing ....


    So I don't really need to guess. I sympathize with the challenges, and I do think some of his teachers this year did a fairly good job of holding him accountable without thinking he could be "fixed". But this was the worst year ever when it came to appropriate accommodations, placement, or teachers who didn't resent that he was in gifted and still got his accommodations. That was the thing that was the worst - somehow thinking that a child shouldn't be allowed to be in a gifted classroom with appropriate content until they'd "gotten over" their learning disabilities which required acommodations.
    Just posting to give you hugs and sympathy. I have been there. I had a teacher once tell me:

    "Your son is the most badly behaved kid I've ever taught."

    This was after my son had been having anxiety attack in school. This was a teacher who had ONLY ever taught a gifted class at a high performing school and was used to perfect little angles.

    Then there was the science teacher last year (in 8th) who though my son was drawing nasty pictures of her when all he was doing was doodling completely random stuff. Now he was doodling rather than doing his work, BUT he was bored not being mean or nasty.

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    My instinct is that this teacher is intimidated by your son and/or her inability to make him do what she wants him to do... totally unprofessional comments in any case.

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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    Polarbear - would LOVE your ideas.

    Sorry I don't have time to think through it and write them out at the moment, but I promise to come back and throw a few out there at you smile

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    Originally Posted by ConnectingDots
    My instinct is that this teacher is intimidated by your son and/or her inability to make him do what she wants him to do... totally unprofessional comments in any case.

    ABQMom - were the comments above mostly from one specific teacher, or a list that's come from different teachers over time? If they are from one teacher only, I'm just curious if you've heard of any similar incidences with him/her from other parents?

    polarbear

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    Originally Posted by polarbear
    Originally Posted by ConnectingDots
    My instinct is that this teacher is intimidated by your son and/or her inability to make him do what she wants him to do... totally unprofessional comments in any case.

    ABQMom - were the comments above mostly from one specific teacher, or a list that's come from different teachers over time? If they are from one teacher only, I'm just curious if you've heard of any similar incidences with him/her from other parents?

    polarbear

    Several teachers over the course of this year - it was a bad fit in most of his classes this year.

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