Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Sick, Sick, Sick of Helicoptering

Cannot tell you what all the comments and support have meant to me - thank you so much! The blog post has been shared 83 times in the past hour on Facebook - according to my stats - so I'm thinking I hit a universal nerve. I have decided against sharing it with anyone until the year is over. When it is, I'll share it with the 2E director (thank you Pemberley for that suggestion) of our district as well as the special ed chair for our school - not to be punitive or ugly but so they can have an understanding of what it does to the parent when this dynamic happens.

ConnectingDots - thanks for the advice; I took it.

polarbear - yes, this is our last year in mid school. We're entering him in our local public high school next year, mainly because he has good friends so the transition will be good socially. They also have a gifted mentorship program starting his sophomore year when he can be off campus half day working somewhere in the community in a field of interest - at the university, one of the labs, a movie production studio - so I think if we can get through freshman year, the fit will be good thereafter.

Irena - thank you for the support; and I meant what I wrote. I really am not at all sorry for his personality. I have come to love it.

HowlerKarma - thanks for the virtual hugs. I seriously needed those. It's been overwhelming, but reaching out here has really, really helped.

Pemberly - you actually put into words what I was feeling but didn't say. I DO NOT want to be the cog that keeps everything turning at school. It is exhausting, frustrating and futile. Thanks for the reminder about the bat - totally forgot about that and love it.

Diamondblue - I actually love most of the "truths" my son ends up saying to teachers, because there is an honesty in them that peels away the hypocrisy that is so easy to adopt. I don't like it so much when it's aimed at me, but I've learned to accept that it is usually a great window into something I need to look at. And, yes, I'd love to invite Sheldon's mom out for coffee if only she existed.

master of none - "As if they are entitled to treat your child like any other child..." oh did I need to be reminded of that. I so feel your frustration - all of my son's poor grades are due to zeros, mostly for work he's done but failed to turn in because it was lost or forgotten. I can see holding him back if he truly can't do 8th grade work, but that is not the case, so I'll become the litigious mom if we end up having a teacher trying to hold him back for failing grades due to zeros.

They actually took the iPad away, and I agreed to it, because he was caught several times working on projects that were not for school during class time. He would be working on his business (he launched a business at a teen startup event here this past year), on a language he is making up, or doing research on something he found interesting rather than whatever was going on in class. I agreed to the removal, because I wanted to see whether it hurt him. It really hasn't, and all of the teachers say he is paying better attention, so we've kept the iPad at home. He doesn't want to do online learning, because he said he loves learning online and doesn't want to ruin that experience by making it for a grade. I kind of respect that sentiment, so we haven't pushed for an alternative option.

ABQ, I'm cheering for you too. And I know *exactly* how exhausting it is to be the cog. Yes yes yes.

Are you having a transition planning meeting with the high school? Because all those zeroes are indeed EVIDENCE of something that should be accommodated and actively worked on at the HS. My middle schooler's IEP consists mostly of organizational goals at this point (and also controlling that honest edge-- yours reminds me of mine). This is entirely appropriate as a "functional skills" goal for a 2E teen.

Hang in there.

DeeDee - our transition IEP had every teacher in attendance from his classes this year, the special ed chairs for mid school and for high school and the counselor he has for mid school and the one he'll have for high school. He asked to attend.

The IEP started with the teachers wanting to give their candid thoughts about him, so they asked if he could step out of the room. His response was, "I personally don't care what you think of me, so my feelings won't be hurt. I'd rather stay and listen to what you have to say in case there are things I can address." This, of course, set the tone for the meeting and set the teachers off. We spent a half hour with all but one complaining about his work ethic, his laziness, his inability to turn things in or find work, the unwillingness to treat them with the respect they deserved, and his inappropriate comments that made the rest of the class laugh or misdirected the lesson into something that didn't matter. My kiddo listened to all of it, challenged a couple of the complaints and ended up being right, and actually apologized when he discovered that something he'd done had hurt a teacher's feelings when he had no idea that is how she felt.

When one of the teachers told him that he was in danger of failing 8th grade, my kid told them, "No, I'm not. This is a social promotion state, and you'd have to get my parents to sign off on me being held back. And they're not going to hold me back because of some zeros because I haven't had the right support here."

It lasted three hours, but the one silver lining is that the counselor and special ed chair for high school didn't seem tainted by the attitudes in the room and said they thought he'd find a much better fit in high school. They said they'd work to place him with teachers that they thought would be open to a more independent approach to learning and a more creative process for completing work.

I've tasted of false hope before, though, so I know how crushing it can be to believe the promise and then it not be any different. But I'm hoping it will be better. I do know that I won't let them drag me in like this in high school. I can't survive it.

I think I'm in love with your son. That is six kinds of awesome.

Oh, ABQ, you have done a good job with this one. Yes, it's not done yet, but WOW. This child has the right kind of self-esteem. He knows what his issues are, but also knows the ways in which others are responsible to him.


In our experience, this makes an enormous difference in the outcome. Enormous. Skilled teachers who are willing to be on your DS's side will actually teach him what he needs to know and work him toward independence. At least, that's what I'm seeing for my DS (who also has hand-picked teachers for the same reasons).

May it be so.

Good for him. That is wonderful he can advocate for himself.

Last year when my husband & I were advocating for my son to be admitted to H. Biology rather than Earth Science this year. My son didn't want to push, didn't want to rock the boat but we both knew that pushing the school was the right thing. He received 99% on the tests in 8th grade science, but was not filling in the seatwork/homework completely. One question missing on a page, gave you a zero for the whole thing. His teacher didn't think he had the study skills for honors level science.

H. Biology this year is wonderful. The students read the book (a significantly harder book), listen to lectures, take tests and do labs and write them up. There are no worksheets to fill out, most of the grade is the test. He is so much happier and it's his best class.

I hope you son had better luck in H.S.

Resurrecting this old post to update you all - my kiddo is passing 8th grade on a "social pass". The stress got to be so high the last week and a half of school, with teachers angry in every class about missing work and only a few days left to find it, fix it, etc., that he was ending up in the nurse's office every day with anxiety and to cool off. He finally had melt down in science when the teacher accused him of cheating because he was looking around the room and his answers almost matched the girl next to him. When he told his teacher that it would be ridiculous to cheat since he could have written a better test than she did, you can imagine her reaction. He thought he was providing proof that cheating wasn't a possibility; she saw it as an extreme sign of disrespect. She started yelling, he asked to leave before he lost control, she said no, and he left anyway.

After a long conference with his principal, we decided that his returning to school for the remaining few days would serve no useful purpose for anyone, especially since in our state the school can't hold him back.

I've found a new psychologist, who once again says he is convinced this is not Aspergers or autism, but thinks it is, as he called it, "the gift of being 2E". The fact that he even knew what the word meant was encouraging. We're hoping some summer sessions to help the kiddo learn to deal with stress, anxiety, communication, and organization may help him cope better next year.

So, no good news, but a lot learned. It doesn't look completely like Aspergers to me - the girls like him and are calling him, and he's quite charming with them as well, and he has a lot of friends. He wants friends, likes being around them - although he is completely fine on his own as well. But the communication, lack of reading expression and body language ... I hardly know where to look for answers.

Hope the end of your school year was better than ours; thanks for all the support.

ABQ, how did the plan with the high school work out? Class placements appropriate? What kind of supports in place?

ETA: at this point, it seems to me the dx is less important than meeting the needs that are beyond a shadow of a doubt not being met. He needs to learn organization and flexibility, as well as remembering to show respect for people in certain roles. The school can support these goals, and you have lots and lots of evidence to make the case that they should...

HUGS... This sounds so familiar. Except my son doesn't talk back to the teachers, he just sits there and doesn't say a word. Does this "social pass" hurt what classes he is enrolled in for next year?

The end of my year is sounding very familiar to yours and my son's in 9th. Not going to go into the whole story right now, I've been posting most of the story. We are meeting with a psychologist tomorrow, and I'm hoping that she can help with how to get my son THROUGH H.S. Right at this moment it looks like my son will be dropped out of all his honors classes for next year. (Except...science & math with be with juniors & seniors.)

We have 3 1/2 more weeks of school.

Dee Dee - the high school is considering half day academics had day mentorship at a tech startup or working on his own company. They want to wait until fall to see how the summer goes.

I am hoping the behavioral psychologist can help with the behaviors, but my biggest worry is how to teach someone that something is considered rude when he thinks he is being helpful. He doesn't say things he knows are rude; it just never occurs to him that others will be offended by his sharing of facts as he sees them. That part is the hardest on him and those he interacts with - and a huge reason why I won't homeschool him. He needs all these experiences, as awful as they are, to begin building reference points of what people get upset about.