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So it's been almost a year I think since I've posted or visited, partly because I've been overwhelmed with work and partly because I've somewhat given up on things getting better. It's been an exhausting year with our son's last year in mid school, and while he has enjoyed the more challenging work of finally being in gifted, the attitude and anger from the gifted teachers from their resentment of what they perceive as special treatment for my son has been exhausting to deal with. I'm hoping high school is better, but I'm not holding my breath.

I wrote a blog on it - http://lisaabeyta.com/2014/03/31/advice_to_teachers/ - and I'm wondering if it would be wise or unwise to share with any of the teachers.

Any thoughts on whether you'd send it or not? (wondering if my need to get feedback from you all isn't a sign that maybe I shouldn't, but thought I'd see what you all think...)

Lisa,

I read your blog and feel your discouragement. I hope that writing it gave you some measure of relief. As for sharing it, I would suggest waiting a bit to decide. My fear is that those who don't get this know, likely won't, in the heat of reading it and feeling threatened (which seems to be where so many of these issues come from when it comes to teachers), react with understanding, let alone empathy.

Lisa - I had hoped that your absence lately had meant that all was going well, so I am so sorry to hear that it's been such a rough year. I appreciate so much that you wrote out your frustrations and that you've shared them with us.

Like ConnectingDots, I would also consider waiting a bit before deciding to send it. There are parts I wouldn't send at all, other parts that I might send with a little bit of reworking to take out pieces I wasn't comfortable sending. I'd make more specific suggestions but don't have time right now.

It sounds to me like there is a total disconnect at the school in terms of helping your ds develop the skills he needs to become independent in high school and later on, and that's sad (to me). We've had large gaps in teacher's understanding our ds' challenges with organizational skills, but it was handled much differently - rather than relying on the parent to be the cog in the wheel that is holding everything together the goal on the part of the school was *removing* the dependence on the parent - some things worked, others didn't - but I think that long-term that was the way to handle things. I was still very involved in supporting ds - but at home, not in weekly homework etc communications.

Is this your ds' last year of middle school? For some reason I thought he was already in high school.

I hope things get better for you both -

Best wishes,

polarbear

ABQMOm, I am not sure if you should send your blog to your son's teachers but I am fighting the urge to send it to my son's teachers! Especially this:


and this:

^ I agree with MON.

It may be cathartic to put it in writing... I've been doing it for years (both with GT issues and also with 2e ones), but as my DH has sagely observed-- "No good can come of trying to share this stuff with 'civilians.' They don't live it, and unless they do, they CANNOT understand it. You only look irritating/crazy for being so out of step with the world."

{hugs} to you. I'm sorry that things have been so endlessly frustrating. I do hope that the future holds improvements for you and your child. But I don't see sharing doing much to help that happen.

I write a LOT of e-mail drafts that I never ever send.

And now it is confirmed that my rational side was in control when I posted here asking advice. I won't share it with them at all, as it won't help anything get better and won't make me feel better - although writing it was quite cathartic.

I've missed you all and the support I found here.

It's been a tough year. It started out quite well - iPad in place as an accommodation and 3/4 time in gifted with only math, science and band in regular ed.

What I didn't expect is the entitled attitude from his gifted teachers. We are in a very high performing school, and somehow the teachers have gained an arrogance about being gifted teachers and have a philosophy that if you can't keep up with the workload, you don't deserve to be in gifted. They resent that they're forced to have a child in their otherwise speedy class that has severe enough learning disabilities that he requires time and attention. They all complain that they don't have time to deal with him and make unique project assignments, etc, to accommodate and that he should be moved back into regular ed (as if those teachers with 30+ kids have any more time than they do with 12-15 kids).

This resentment - and my effort to push back to keep out of the cog that was responsible for everything - made them even more resentful.

Add to that a child with no filter, and, well, it's been a powder keg of a year. He actually told his math teacher he wasn't doing homework until he was given relevant homework instead of the same work he'd been doing since 6th grade. You can imagine the love that created.

Somehow what is good for a laugh track and a boatload of money on Big Bang Theory is not in the tiniest bit funny in real life.

Ok. Done venting.

Not a lot of advice but sympathy. I've been there in your shoes. In 6th grade DS15 was in the top gifted classroom my district has to offer. This teacher whom I've heard other kids & parents sing praises about, told me to my face that my son was the most disruptive and misbehaving child he had ever had in his class. This teacher has only every taught a class for gifted and high performing kids and rarely had kids who misbehaved. He gave the kids a lot of freedom but in return demanded a high level of self sufficiency that my son wasn't ready for. My son was completely melting down in the middle of class. I will admit my son had some major problems that year, and he behavior was inappropriate. Crossing my fingers, so far the therapy he did and the maturity he has gained the past few years and things are now a lot better. (He is a H.S. freshman)

I'm commenting because your story resonates and reminds me of that year. Our home life had become a battlefield, and homework had become a huge level of stress. I was getting calls/emails from the teacher, principal sometimes every day. Good Luck, hopefully venting will help you take everything in stride.

master of none - was actually thinking of you when I posted, wondering if your year has been smooth.

I'm not sure there is any getting on the same team, but the one thing we do have is the special ed chair - she cares about our kiddo and pulls him in to give him extra help on her own time. I am going to owe her one very big box of chocolates at the end of the year.

Blue - thank you for the kind words. Amazing how much it helps to not feel alone.

Oh ABQMom!

{{{hugs}}}

First let me tell you how happy I was to see your moniker when I logged on. I've thought of you a number of times and hoped things were going well for you and your DS. Second let me tell you that I *loved* your blog post. The teachers may not get it but rest assured that we do. We get it in spades! Thank you for voicing the frustrations that we all feel.

As others have said I probably wouldn't share the blog with his teachers. For me it's less about fanning the flames - really how much worse could the situation really get? It's more because it wouldn't do much good. What I would consider, however, is possibly sharing it with the 2E director. If I recall correctly last year you discovered your district has a 2E program and that person was influential in getting your DS into the gifted program. If my memory is correct I think that person could really benefit from seeing this. Let him (or her) see what the 2E experience is really like in the district. Let him see what challenges need to be addressed in order for your DS to have a chance of succeeding in HS.

I think your experience is incredibly valuable for all of us here and I thank you for sharing it. It has confirmed for me that I do not ever want to be in that position as the cog in the center of the wheel. Unfortunately if the parent takes on that role it allows the school to abdicate its responsibility. It opens the door for just what you so eloquently described.

I can see this blog serving a really important purpose - it shows the need for someone ON THE DISTRICT TEAM to take on the role as the cog in the wheel. Someone ON THE DISTRICT TEAM to be the one keeping tabs on how DS is doing and fielding the questions and listening to the teachers vent. Your job is to be his mom and you do that amazingly well. You need to have the room to do that job and if you are the cog in the wheel here you are being cast in a different role.

I remember last year you were having difficulty with a specific teacher - math or science right? I pointed out that sometimes people have to be hit upside the head with a cluebat. You have drafted a really good cluebat here. Personally I think sharing your frustrations with the 2E director will give you the most bang for your buck. Let him be the one to swing that bat.

Welcome back. I hope all this feedback is what you were looking for.

I feel your pain here. We were in the same boat at the beginning of the year - high performing IB primary program with a pull-out gifted class that was, quite frankly, more work than I ever did in college. Because DS was unable to keep up, the teachers/principal had doubts about his giftedness (with a 155 IQ, mind you) and DS would call himself stupid. The principal was spiteful and mean and yelled "We're the education PROFESSIONALS" at me when I tried to advocate for a move to a full-time gifted program at a different school. Well, we went ahead and moved him to that school anyway (without the full time placement). Guess what? His teachers picked up on the fact that he should be in full-time gifted within about 10 minutes of knowing him. So that's where he'll be next year.

I think sometimes our outside-the-box and/or 2E gifted kids do better at schools that are more laid back and are not just about prestige and performance. Just my opinion.

Can I just say how much I love your son for that comment? My son would probably say something like this. And the thing that's so hard about these types of comments is that they're right. They shouldn't have to continue to do things for homework when they've already shown mastery. If the professionals who create, implement and/or execute these programs had read even a portion of the literature that's out there about gifted kids, they'd know this too.

I keep telling my husband that I feel like we're raising Sheldon Cooper. I wish his mother was a real person so I could buy her coffee and ask her advice.