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Have you ever talked openly about what your kids are doing to a friend with smart kids, only to be met with defensiveness. Then, you leave feeling like a jerk. When really all you were doing is talking about your kids and what is going on in your life?

It is a stinky feeling...

Yes, definitely. People are sensitive about their kids; hopefully it is not anything that your friend is really offended about. But I hate leaving stuff like that unresolved.

If it is a good friend, I hope a frank discussion can result in both of you being able to share each other's hope and dreams for your children, their special achievements or aggravating /funny traits.
Sigh, it is hard to find that sweet spot with people. Good luck.

Thanks. I'm glad it isn't just me who has felt this way.

I feel this way all the time. My boys are now HS age, and all the parental competition/anxiety is very high, looking ahead to college. I now feel as if I can't say anything and sit there silent, lest I offend someone. Indeed I *have* inadvertently alienated people or triggered defensiveness by mentioning that DS win music competitions OR are taking math and English two grade levels ahead. People do not, I have learned, like to hear my (true and genuine) worries about whether two grades ahead is enough and whether they should take APs in their freshman or sophomore year. Nor is it at all welcome to mention that they're in a bunch of Shakespeare plays. Compounding all this, we homeschool, so many people think we're weird anyway and want to interrogate our curriculum and ECs, which inevitably leads to my mentioning some of the above. So I stay silent, even with fairly good friends, and I connect only on the level of "DS is such a picky eater too!"

When my kids were little, yes, occasionally, usually when asked. When they got older, almost never. They are doing well and I know that, and that's enough. Parents often get competitive about such topics and honesly I just don't see the need to get them all worked up. We pretty much stopped telling school teachers what the kids are up to as well, they won't appreciate and might get defensive as well for various reasons.

At parties other parents often talk about their kids' talent and accomplishments, I just sit there, listen, smile, nod, and sometimes say "that's great".

Yea, I usually smile and keep my mouth shut too. It was just that I was working through a school issue, and I thought I was having a "safe" conversation with someone who was a friend and also had a bright child.

But, I think I must have hit a nerve somewhere that I didn't realize I was going to hit. It wasn't so much that the other person got mad as super defensive and started telling me everything her child (5 years older) could also do that was like my child. It just smacked of defensiveness and made me feel bad. I let the conversation drop in its tracks, but still left me feeling crummy.

Yes-- I've really had to be pretty evasive at times.

Sadly, DD has absorbed this message and interpreted it to mean (somewhat correctly, ironically) that she makes other people uncomfortable when she just is. That being PG is something she should HIDE from others so that they don't feel unhappy or icky and treat her accordingly.

While I guess that isn't exactly a bad life skill if you happen to be PG, I'd rather that she didn't seem to feel bad for being that way.

I think it's a tricky thing even with close friends. We've seen it: sometimes we thought we were safe talking with a close friend about something about the kids (trying to play it down, trying to be modest), and suddenly we detect defensiveness and we quickly change the direction of conversation to focus on her/his kid.

Some of my friends love music and they invite us to their family concerts where the kids play for guests. My husband always wanted to be able to have such a concert for our kids. I always object because there is a danger that some friends won't be friends anymore after the concert.

But I'm all supportive if my kids want to demonstrate their talent in front of their friends, at school, etc.

Yes! The worst I remember is a Thanksgiving party last year. My son, not yet 2, spontaneously started talking about gravity with Friend A. Friend A responded positively and relayed his conversation with DS to me and Friend B (who has two intelligent children and is brilliant engineer, himself). Friend B said with a sneer, "Wow, I don't think either of my kids even knows what gravity is. Does DS know how to take the second derivative of the gravity field yet? I bet you have him into calculus."

I think Friend B was taken aback and didn't respond too charitably. I was surprised because I always ask after his children and get excited for their accomplishments. They're genuinely smart, nice people. He's since moderated his tone, but I still have the sense that he is implicitly comparing his children unfavorably to DS. Ugh!

DH and I had DS earlier than most of our social group. The childless couples and unmarried folks generally just treat DS like a mini adult and include him in whatever is going on. These people, by and large, ask after him specifically and seem excited at his interests. I answer honestly, but I don't go on at length. The rest of our friends with children have babies younger than DS. They see him and comment, "Wow! I'm can't believe my baby will be doing that in [insert X time]." To that I keep my mouth shut.

I am almost NEVER completely open and honest about my DC, even with my closest, intelligent friends with children (who are also probably very bright). My reason is trying to avoid hurt feelings and envy.

Still, my DC have said things spontaneously in front of others that usually lead me to go into big time "downplay it!" or "humor mode."

I cannot help but try to put others at ease about it - I learned the hard way after being mocked as a child for simply speaking. My "friends" proceeded to mock my vocabulary. I learned to use slang and poor English at times to fit in. I also learned that I had to be careful about who I was with when truly "being myself."

Yes, I have walked away from a few conversations quietly chastising myself for being "too honest" (but usually not completely honest) about my DC.

I think also if your kid is 2e it's even more difficult to have a conversation about them. I can't really talk to anyone I know about either 'e,' so I am very grateful for places like this where people get it. It can be pretty depressing to not be able to talk to anyone about how your kid has these amazing abilities and yet can't get into any of the local private schools because of her oddball behavior.

Unfortunately there may often be a desire to even things up, undermining a giftie or anyone who may seem to be ahead in any way.

ETA: Schadenfreude comes to mind; Wikipedia describes this as being closely related to envy.

I only have one person who is a relative that I talk to. Her Daughter,my cousin,is PG and was awesome as a child. She was 2 years younger than I and I would listen and learn so much from her when I was a kid. My 5yr. old is either MG or HG not sure really as he is 2E and only had the RIAS and it does not give full picture like other tests he will have closer to age 6 or 7.
Even the school Psych. Acts strange and brings up her own 2E kids when I share my childs work and journals from home. She even once asked me why I was showing them to her. Made me feel very self conscious and as if she thought I was bragging rather than sharing his work. I met one Mom who has a child who had not ben tested but taught herself division, spainish, and german before the age of 6.
They moved last year and we lost contact.

Possibly she asked you this because she was uncertain whether a bit of friendship may be emerging (bonding over mutually sharing stories of your 2e kids) or whether the conversation was strictly professional progress updates on your children? As with most things, it is helpful to know ourselves well, understand our own hopes and motivations, and possibly be willing to share them to manage expectations.

Just my opinion but any kind of "bragging" is a delicate thing in general. It's truly a balance. I had a friend who would brag a bit about her daughter and talk about how she thought her daughter was gifted. That was fine ( although let's face it, it can get tiring) but what really hurt me was she would in the next sentence point out the deficiencies in my son. Turns out obviously she was right to an extent b/c my son is 2e however I didn't need her comments and the feeling that all she ever noticed about my kid was his deficiencies. Eventually I found her too condescending and tiresome. Yeah, I was too sensitive but she certainly could have been more sensitive. I brag a little but not too much - b/c it's really not pleasant to be on the other side of it a lot.

Oddly my son is on the ATP program at his school but as far as I know her daughter had yet to be identified. ( I suspect she is probably gifted but maybe is missing ID due to poor group screening test or something - I don't know for sure b/c I don't ask when used her which isn't much anymore)

I don't have people getting upset about my kids being smart, just seems like no one knows what I'm talking about. I told two people, one year when we were using the library, that it was big effort to use the library that's in another town. Because I had an out of town library card I could only get 3 books at a time,and drive to the other town every two weeks to trade them in. My son only wanted to pick out Bob the Builder and Curious George. He would finish all three books on the few blocks drive from the library to Grandma's house. I was complaining about the inconvenience. Both people answred that it was great that my kid wanted to read at all. Most kids don't. Okay, different worlds. Wrong conversation. And then when I was asked why I homeschooled I said it was because my son didn't do any work at school for several months. I was asked, "oh, were they going to hold him back a grade?" I said, no, the school didn't think it was a problem. I didn't think it was okay for him not to do his work. I don't have jealousy problems around here. I just don't think anyone understands when I talk about things that I think are a problem. I guess they're really not big problems anyway.

At first I would enthusiastically tell about my two kids..then I thought maybe I am bragging..now I downright don't say anything ! I also tell my kids let your work show, keep working hard ! I make sure they enter a lot of competitive friendly events , where they can gauge and judge how they are progressing. Very soon , we are hitting the ceiling in all, but we keep telling our kids that how much their hard work pays off and that we will find a good school for them one day !
I know there are a lot of gifted students out there. Just want what is best of each child !

I almost never offer up specifics about DD(8) to friends. I usually only talk about her to people I've already discovered "get" her, which is almost exclusively people we've worked with professionally who have gifted kids who are now older. For example, DD's old OT; the postpartum doula I hired when DS was born; the Feldenkrais therapists DD saw at the start of K; my real estate agent; my paternal aunt; the parent educator who ran the parent-baby group I attended with both kids. Otherwise, no, I might talk generally about DD being ahead in this or that, or share school frustrations, but not specifics most of the time.

I am lucky to have a close friend who also has a 2E son (and likely an HG+ daughter). She gets me and she gets my kids. Our kids are normal to us and we can have candid conversations about them without fear of judgement. I count myself very lucky. Statistically, in our small town, I should not have even been able to find her. We live directly across the street from each other and she has been a god-send to my sanity. We use a lot of humour and share a similar sense of humour. Our go-to reaction for any struggle is to make fun of ourselves, our kids and our situation and then discuss how it is that we don't drink more than we do.

I am very open about my children's learning disabilities. Our area has very few resources and I have a facebook page that covers local issues, links to information, etc. Maybe it is depreciating but I find that by focusing on the struggles first, people want to know more about my kids. I try not to overshare but, more often than not, people want to hear that my kids really are ubersmart and will ask about it... almost as if it makes them feel better to know that they have an arsenal with which to combat the LDs. Again, there is A LOT of humour in all of my conversations about my crazy, zany children. I just tell it like it is. I am just as likely to relate a frustration about lack of OT support in school as I am to relay a story about a success.

Humour has gotten us far. I make an awful lot of fun of our situation and our reactions to struggles. We laugh, it's what our family does. Everything is tongue in cheek. "Yup, she's smart. She remembers everything. I find her very handy to have with me in parking lots. She always remembers where I left the car."

I don't talk about my son's abilities in a social situation. Nor do I do it with relatives either - because some of them use the information to brag. I just smile and nod and make sympathetic noises when friends discuss problems with math and science etc that their kids have at school. But, things are changing now because DS who is normally playful has started paying attention to adult conversations now - he chimes in to correct me when I agree with these parents that school is very demanding and rigorous.
My child is 6 and this is the age when all his friends are trying out music, sports etc for the first time. And their parents are using hyperboles to describe their accomplishments. And my DS has been at a lot of these things for 2-3 years and participated and won contests. I keep my opinions to myself and offer words of encouragement and support to these parents and walk away.
In enrichment classes, where he is advanced, this is not an issue because my child is big for his age and hence blends in with his older peers physically. He just seems more immature than the other kids!