Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Honest Talk About Your Kids

Have you ever talked openly about what your kids are doing to a friend with smart kids, only to be met with defensiveness. Then, you leave feeling like a jerk. When really all you were doing is talking about your kids and what is going on in your life?

It is a stinky feeling...

Yes, definitely. People are sensitive about their kids; hopefully it is not anything that your friend is really offended about. But I hate leaving stuff like that unresolved.

If it is a good friend, I hope a frank discussion can result in both of you being able to share each other's hope and dreams for your children, their special achievements or aggravating /funny traits.
Sigh, it is hard to find that sweet spot with people. Good luck.

Thanks. I'm glad it isn't just me who has felt this way.

I feel this way all the time. My boys are now HS age, and all the parental competition/anxiety is very high, looking ahead to college. I now feel as if I can't say anything and sit there silent, lest I offend someone. Indeed I *have* inadvertently alienated people or triggered defensiveness by mentioning that DS win music competitions OR are taking math and English two grade levels ahead. People do not, I have learned, like to hear my (true and genuine) worries about whether two grades ahead is enough and whether they should take APs in their freshman or sophomore year. Nor is it at all welcome to mention that they're in a bunch of Shakespeare plays. Compounding all this, we homeschool, so many people think we're weird anyway and want to interrogate our curriculum and ECs, which inevitably leads to my mentioning some of the above. So I stay silent, even with fairly good friends, and I connect only on the level of "DS is such a picky eater too!"

When my kids were little, yes, occasionally, usually when asked. When they got older, almost never. They are doing well and I know that, and that's enough. Parents often get competitive about such topics and honesly I just don't see the need to get them all worked up. We pretty much stopped telling school teachers what the kids are up to as well, they won't appreciate and might get defensive as well for various reasons.

At parties other parents often talk about their kids' talent and accomplishments, I just sit there, listen, smile, nod, and sometimes say "that's great".

Yea, I usually smile and keep my mouth shut too. It was just that I was working through a school issue, and I thought I was having a "safe" conversation with someone who was a friend and also had a bright child.

But, I think I must have hit a nerve somewhere that I didn't realize I was going to hit. It wasn't so much that the other person got mad as super defensive and started telling me everything her child (5 years older) could also do that was like my child. It just smacked of defensiveness and made me feel bad. I let the conversation drop in its tracks, but still left me feeling crummy.

Yes-- I've really had to be pretty evasive at times.

Sadly, DD has absorbed this message and interpreted it to mean (somewhat correctly, ironically) that she makes other people uncomfortable when she just is. That being PG is something she should HIDE from others so that they don't feel unhappy or icky and treat her accordingly.

While I guess that isn't exactly a bad life skill if you happen to be PG, I'd rather that she didn't seem to feel bad for being that way.

I think it's a tricky thing even with close friends. We've seen it: sometimes we thought we were safe talking with a close friend about something about the kids (trying to play it down, trying to be modest), and suddenly we detect defensiveness and we quickly change the direction of conversation to focus on her/his kid.

Some of my friends love music and they invite us to their family concerts where the kids play for guests. My husband always wanted to be able to have such a concert for our kids. I always object because there is a danger that some friends won't be friends anymore after the concert.

But I'm all supportive if my kids want to demonstrate their talent in front of their friends, at school, etc.

Yes! The worst I remember is a Thanksgiving party last year. My son, not yet 2, spontaneously started talking about gravity with Friend A. Friend A responded positively and relayed his conversation with DS to me and Friend B (who has two intelligent children and is brilliant engineer, himself). Friend B said with a sneer, "Wow, I don't think either of my kids even knows what gravity is. Does DS know how to take the second derivative of the gravity field yet? I bet you have him into calculus."

I think Friend B was taken aback and didn't respond too charitably. I was surprised because I always ask after his children and get excited for their accomplishments. They're genuinely smart, nice people. He's since moderated his tone, but I still have the sense that he is implicitly comparing his children unfavorably to DS. Ugh!

DH and I had DS earlier than most of our social group. The childless couples and unmarried folks generally just treat DS like a mini adult and include him in whatever is going on. These people, by and large, ask after him specifically and seem excited at his interests. I answer honestly, but I don't go on at length. The rest of our friends with children have babies younger than DS. They see him and comment, "Wow! I'm can't believe my baby will be doing that in [insert X time]." To that I keep my mouth shut.

I am almost NEVER completely open and honest about my DC, even with my closest, intelligent friends with children (who are also probably very bright). My reason is trying to avoid hurt feelings and envy.

Still, my DC have said things spontaneously in front of others that usually lead me to go into big time "downplay it!" or "humor mode."

I cannot help but try to put others at ease about it - I learned the hard way after being mocked as a child for simply speaking. My "friends" proceeded to mock my vocabulary. I learned to use slang and poor English at times to fit in. I also learned that I had to be careful about who I was with when truly "being myself."

Yes, I have walked away from a few conversations quietly chastising myself for being "too honest" (but usually not completely honest) about my DC.