Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Feeling uncomfortable at school

First, thank you very much to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I appreciate it very much! I feel like most people don't want to hear about this sort of problem.

She's a DYS, so we do have that resource. We often feel like we'll have no choice but to homeschool at some point, but she wants to be with other kids and doesn't like the idea of being at home (I know there are many options for homeschooled children to socialize, but it wouldn't be as much as at school).

She doesn't feel like the other kids want to make her feel upset, but maybe it would help to give an example. Sometimes the kids work in groups to do projects. She says her group usually works out the problem first (again, this is her report and I don't know if it's true). Then the other group will say, "No fair! You had the smart kid!." It's not clear to me whether it's good natured teasing or if they really do feel it's unfair.

The positive side of it is that she isn't hiding her abilities right now; she wants to be the first to figure out whatever the problem is regardless of whether she gets teased. I have just heard that middle school is often when kids "go underground" and it concerns me that she doesn't want others to see her getting difficult books.

She says she is willing to say something to the other kids. I think she would probably rather do that than have the teacher say something. However, she isn't sure what to say. It may be as simple as saying, "Please don't call me that" or "We all worked together to finish this project." I think one complicating factor is that she LIKES to be the one responsible for solving it first. So she may feel conflicted about wanting to share the credit versus wanting to be complimented, even though being singled out makes her feel uncomfortable.

She feels lonely being different.

Hmmm... honestly I think in the situation you've described, it would help to have the teacher talk about one thing. My first reaction to the "No fair, that group had the smart kid!" is two-fold from the teacher. First, I'm guessing the groups are changed out each time a project takes place. If the teacher is picking the groups rather than letting the kids choose then your dd is going to be "shared" among all the kids so it's not like one group is getting her every time. More importantly, I think this is an ideal opportunity for the teacher to talk about (and for your dd as well as the other students to think about) the fact that we *all* bring talents and "smarts" to the group when we work together, no matter what our IQ is. Just because one kid is super-quick or an amazing problem-solver doesn't negate the fact that another child may have an amazing solution of their own to offer up or that another child might bring a talent to the group such as writing or drawing or whatever.

It doesn't have to be a big talk or anything like that from the teacher, just a gentle reminder to the class if/when she hears someone say that.

I like the response "we all worked together to finish this project" as a response from your dd - I think it's perfect for her and all that really needs to be said (from her).

Best wishes,

polarbear

I can't believe I didn't say that as well. Congratulations to your DD, PolarBear, for handling that situation so well!

Portia, she does taekwondo and it has been wonderful because it's hard for her and she has to work to keep up. I agree with you completely that that sort of thing can be a huge help for keeping things in perspective!

PolarBear, I like that approach. I will suggest that to her teacher. I don't know if they choose groups; I know they get assigned partners sometimes and the same thing happens. I have had many talks with her about how she is fortunate to be good at some things, but needs to always keep in perspective that those things may be harder for someone else and that others may be very good at a whole range of things (athletics, social skills, public speaking, being a good friend).

I will definitely talk with her teacher about that.

PolarBear and Portia, what great posts! Such wisdom & simplicity. Definitely win-win solutions for everyone involved.

It is possible for kids to pretend not to be smart and underachieve and seem to blend in. But mostly they still don't feel like they fit in and they are still smart. They do the equivalent of painting their face white etc. It doesn't really fool anyone who knows them well and doesn't make anyone happier in the long run. I had a friend who responded to personal comments in kind - if someone said "do you think it is time to get your hair cut" and he would tell them they needed to go on a diet. I wouldn't recommend that though. Remind her too that a lot of very tall people get thoroughly sick of it being commented on.

Yes darling you are different but later you may be glad of it. The funny thing is I'm not entirely sure ds6 has noticed. He knows he is better at maths than the rest of the class and one of the best readers. I deliberately didn't help him with spelling but he still was in the top group at the end of the year. He will probably notice more this year I think.

I think the big thing to remember when you are the "smart kid" in a group is to not accidentally refer to the other members of the group as "my minions." Bringing up other members positive contributions is a good tool, "well I may have found the solution, but if Sally hadn't sharpened my pencil it would've taken longer."

I couldn't agree more... she is the smart kid! Sounds like a very smart kid :-)

I would work with her on being comfortable with who she is and with the fact that for now she is different from her classmates (maybe new classmates are in order?). In addition, I would remind her about the other things she is... you fill in the blank (funny, kind, helpful, athlete, animal lover, chef, etc.).

Are you lucky enough to be at a school where it is cool to be smart?

Thanks again for the feedback... Her school really is very supportive (it is an independent charter and they specifically provide individualized educational plans to all of the kids). Working individually brings out differences.

She actually doesn't feel self-confident, though. I think it's perfectionism. She constantly feels other people are better at things than she is. It's sometimes true (e,g., she has a friend who is much better at video games than she is and almost everyone she knows is better at athletics), but it's also that she can't live up to her own standards. She does really work with the other kids on projects and enjoys it; it would be completely true if she emphasized that everyone worked together when kids comment on her group finishing first.

I have a son who is also bright (he is accelerated a grade for part of the day), but who isn't like DD. He has been happy at school from the start and it has just been so much easier than trying to make things work for DD. We had thought he might be 2e and always expected it to be harder with him. Instead, he loves school.

DD's recent report card came back with a comment about how she is a role model for the class. That's very nice, but it's also pressure.

I can't figure out how a teacher could do this, but the classroom climate could change....why does group b, c, and d know that group a finished first...there is no finish line...I would work from that end....group a shouldn't yell "done!" Group c shouldn't be looking over group a's shoulders to see if they are done and then shouting...look they are done!