Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional The Morning Time Hustle... HELP!

So... For I've got 2 kiddos... DS9 (PDD-NOS, ADHD, Anxiety & gifted) and DD 8 (major ADHD, possibly dyslexia, possibly gifted). Every single morning in my house, it's like it's the first morning my two kids have ever had to get ready for school. If I am not standing over them directing them, they will seriously just sit around reading, or playing or petting the dogs. Like, completely in la-la land. I'm rapidly losing my patience with them in the mornings. I have to get myself ready for work as well! I wake them up a full hour before we have to leave... all they have to do is get dressed, eat breakfast, make sure their stuff is in their backpacks and put on their socks and shoes.. DS9 also packs his lunch (his choice.)

Today they may have been tardy... I seriously threw up my hands. I put my stuff in the car and sat out in the driveway and just waited for them to come out on their own. I had zero energy left to give them. I am pretty sure my son's lunch is some apple sauce, a bag of chips and some beef jerky... Not nearly enough for the day. Both kids were in a foul mood and let me know I'm mean and they hate me. *sigh* DS also didn't do his homework last night.

They are both going to be grounded from their laptops for their rude behavior towards me, but what the heck do I do about morning times! They are terrible about getting ready every morning! I have to stick my head out every 5 minutes while I'm getting ready to tell them "get dressed" "eat your breakfast" "leave the dog alone and put your bowl up" "where are your socks? please go get them" "did you put your folder in your backpack?" "Why don't you have clean pants on? Please go get CLEAN pants" etc, etc, etc. It's starting to feel like herding cats!

Give me your tips and advice please!! I felt terrible this morning dropping them off at school with them both in a bad mood!

We keep mornings as dead simple as possible because both parents are cranky in the mornings and we have to get out early. So, just getting dressed, brush teeth and hair, wash face, breakfast. Backpacks and lunches are all taken care of the night before.

Anyway, most of DD9's responsibilites are at night. I was getting annoyed by having to remind her of them every single night--I felt like she was old enough. Also, like your kids, she would wander off and get distracted. Yelling ensued. I made an exhaustive list, including some if-then scenarios ("If it is Tuesday, remove music from backpack") and even general hygiene stuff ("check and see if your nails need clipping") and it has been a HUGE help. Like 10000% better. At bedtime, I just say "Check the list" or "Did you do the list?" and sometimes, I admit, march her over to it to make sure she reads it. I admit, I did not actually realize how many things she has to do till I saw it written out. Also, I was not giving her enough credit for actually wanting to be responsible. She wants to. It was too much for her to remember at this age. She is not ADHD or anything, as far as we know, but tends a little scattered.

Maybe you could make a morning list of things they must do before breakfast? POssibly, if you want to get hardcore, you could not serve breakfast (if you make it) until it's done.

But my kids also take a full 45 minutes in the morning, mostly because they eat like horses and take forever to do it.

Oh, also we put out clothes the night before.

So as you know, ADHD can create conflict seeking in kids (or adults). They get an adrenaline rush that makes them feel better in their brains when you get angry. I hate the advice about staying calm because it is so very difficult when being actively provoked by your children. But losing your cool gives them a pay off that keeps them coming back for more.

Three things that have helped us:

Rewards for getting it done-- we use chore chart on iPad to set points, give bonuses, and offer rewards

Family Rules (Here are ours):
1. Treat others with RESPECT
(no hitting, biting, spitting, yelling, kicking, etc.)
2. WAIT your turn/Don’t interrupt
3. Tell the TRUTH/ Be honest
4. NO ARGUING with Parents
(your point more than twice = arguing)
5. Do what Mom&Dad say the FIRST TIME
6. Respect each other’s PROPERTY
(If it’s not yours, ask first)
7. PUT THINGS AWAY that you take out
(always do before you sleep; don’t forget to flush)
8. PUT SHOES ON before you go out
9. Let someone know WHERE you are going
10. NO NAKEDNESS outside room/bathroom
11. Look for ways to be KIND and HELPFUL
12. HONOR GOD in all your choices

We have these posted prominently in our kitchen and refer to them often. We also have rewards defined for following and punishments defined for breaking them.

Last of all, I like FLY Lady's system for staying on track. Her "Launchpad" ideas and child challenges help me teach positive habits for my DS7 (ADHD, Anxiety) be responsible for himself. www.flylady.com

Well, different approaches work with different kids and some kids are more problematic than others. However, there were a few things in your post that really jumped out at me as problematic. Life would be less chaotic in the morning if all the homework/backpack tasks were taken care of the night before. Clothes, including socks, are laid out the night before and they get dressed before doing anything else. Particularly since your DS likes to make his own lunch, it would be helpful to insist that he packs it the night before as well.

While it may seem counter-intuitive, I think one hour is too much time in the mornings and leads to distractions and beginning other activities which may contribute to tardiness. My children gets ready much more promptly with me than with DH even though I let them sleep in an extra half hour. They have about thirty minutes from the time that I wake them up, which gives my slowest child just enough time if she sticks to each morning task. If they are not ready on time without a good reason, then they may also lose a privilege that day.

Also should add that you are in good company. I believe keeping ADHD family members moving and on track is one of the toughest parts of being the mom of a family with this struggle. I hope you can do something refreshing for yourself today and alleviate some of the stress life brings. On the advice of a counselor helping with our marriage struggles (which have strong impacts from my husband's only recently diagnosed and yet untreated ADHD), I began taking a weekly "break" to do something rejuvenating for me and get away from the life stresses from mornings like yours today. I see a huge difference in my mental health when I miss that weekly appointment.

Some have had success with having a white board for each child, with a chart of the tasks written on it, followed by two columns, night, and morning.

Possibly you would like DS to make his lunch at night, with the packed lunch placed in the fridge. Assign a time to this. For example, you may want the lunch made between 7pm-7:15pm. Possibly each child's complete outfit of clothes including socks and shoes need to be laid out the night before. Possibly you would like this done at 7:15-7:30pm. Their morning tasks would similarly have times assigned.

At morning wakeup, you are free to happily remind them of their white board and their clock, so they may win at the game of good-morning-get-up-and-go! Possibly for being ready early, they may get to spend any extra time reading, playing, and petting the dog until it is time to leave.

For the lunch preparation, you or your son may enjoy making a weekly "menu". This is a checklist which has the categories of food to be packed for lunch. For example, you might list: fresh produce, fruits and veggies. Then fill in what was purchased on recent grocery shopping, for example, juicy red seedless grapes, crunchy organic baby carrots, minibox of raisins. You might list protiens: greek yogurt cup, turkey sandwhich, cheese stick. A weekly "menu" may help provide the needed structure while encouraging him to make sound decisions with the guidance provided.

OP, I go through the same thing every morning with DD8 (no Dx) - she is an intense little personality and mornings are not pretty! If I do not constantly remind her that she needs to hurry up, she gets lost in a book or petting the dog instead of getting ready(sigh). Showers are taken the night before and clothing is already been laid out for the morning. The backpack is packed already for the morning. So she does not have much to do in the morning - eat, get dressed, brush teeth, and it is still a battle - EVERY morning. It is frustrating. We've tried charts, rewards, punishments...homework is a similar story. I chalk it up to her intensity and drive to do what SHE finds significant. As a parent, however, it is exhausting. You are not alone!

you've had superb (and practical!) advice already, so i'll just drop in one more little thing that has worked for us. like HappilyMom, we have a list of family rules (it's eerily similar!) but we also have a list of responsibilities that sits beside it on the fridge. we had to do this pretty early on with our manipulative little one.

it clearly outlines how each person makes their specific contribution to the family - we literally went over with DD exactly how it all breaks down and copied it out for all to see. so for me, it's things like working so i can pay the mortgage, doing all the cooking, driving and (now) the homeschooling. for DH, it's working so he can cover all the other bills, and doing all the cleaning and yard work. for DD5, it encompasses chores, morning and nighttime self-sufficiency, packing/unpacking her dance and swimming bags, etc. it's quite a flexible list, and we always edit it together as our needs change.

for an ADHD situation, i'd imagine that a LOT more scaffolding would be in order, but the core of what worked for us was identifying that each person was expected to make a contribution to the way our family functions. DD suddenly stopped seeing herself as an entitled freeloader (hee!) and it has made a really, really big difference.

Minor enhancement, I'd try to develop the list with them and strategize on it together so they take ownership for the decisions (part psychology, part lifelong learning) rather than prsent it as fait accompli.

When our children lack executive function, we may need to train them as well as do a bit of scaffolding in that department. My "aha moment" came when I realized that checklists like the Flylady ones are not really pointless and silly (I am used to storing and processing large amounts of data in my mind that I never need checklists). Checklists impose a very important thing called "Accountability" into our children's lives. I was missing that part of the puzzle for most of my own youth.
So, I now make a checklist for my 6 year old. It has 3 sections in them:
Morning routines, Evening Routines and Bedtime Routines. They are very simple and easy to follow instructions.
My child, just this morning was being rather quiet which made me go and check on him - he was reading a christmas toy catalog and got lost in it. All I had to do was tell him that he was running late and that he was not done with his morning routine and I was going to leave the house at 8:00 AM no matter what to get results.

Here is an example of a Bedtime Routine:
1. Drink water
2. Eat vitamins
3. Brush teeth
4. Lay out uniform for school tomorrow
5. Lay out socks, belt, underwear for tomorrow
6. Put homework folder back in backpack
7. Put textbooks back in backpack
8. Put Free Reading book in backpack
9. Sharpen all pencils
10. Put lunchbox, water bottle in kitchen for washing
11. Shower and change

I make a checklist and list week days by the side and put it in one of those "dry erase pockets". My son has become a regular little checklist follower these days and if he follows all his routines every day for a month, he gets to go on a trip to a museum of his choice.
Checklists have made our life less chaotic in the past year. I use digital checklists for my tasks and chores, so if your children can handle electronic checklists, then let them use their phone/tablet/computer etc for ths purpose. Good luck.

My son sharpens his pencil at 6:36 every morning....everything else is similarly planned out to the minute by him...there is a minute or two for petting the dog and I swear there used to be annoy my brother for two minutes until we separated their morning wake time together...little brother doesn't get up until older brother has walked out the door.

He had to get that organized because he has to be out the door at 6:45 and he has feeding dog and walking dog responsibilities...in addition to his own stuff.

LOL I feel like a slacker mom! My kids play minecraft in the morning until DH prepares their breakfast. Then DH tells them to brush their teeth and get dressed which they usually do relatively uneventfully (although we may have a situation where DS put on shorts and it's going to be below freezing outside so has to be told to change ) Then I think they get back on the computer until DH is ready to go and calls them down to put on shoes and get in the car. All lunches and snacks are made and packed the night before by DH and me. The bookbag is packed and made ready night before by me and DS together usually (after homework).

I second this. When we wrote our family rules, I had a few suggestions and we all gave input and agreed together as a family what they would be. Big buy in by all involved and made it easier to reference later.

Are you in my house? Seriously.

I herd those cats every morning! Well, we do have some of that done the night before, to avoid as much as possible, but it's still crazy. DS sleeps in his clothes so I don't have to fight him into them in the morning, although it's been dicey lately because he was wearing shorts but now it's too cold, so he goes to bed in shorts still and needs pants in the morning. Today he decided to change his pants just as we were going out the door, and he already had his shoes on, so it was difficult. I actually put his shoes on him while he is staring in the direction of the TV and not eating his breakfast -- DH gets frustrated that I put an 11-year-old's shoes on for him, but he's not the one who has to keep saying "put your shoes on" every thirty seconds for half an hour!

I do make most of the lunches the night before, so all I have to do is make two PBJ sandwiches in the morning. And get them into the right backpacks, which is 50-50 lately.

DD usually bounces out of bed, but then it's a battle to keep her focused long enough to get dressed, brush her hair, don't let the dog get her breakfast, brush her teeth, stop playing with the dog, put her shoes on, stop playing with the dog, put her coat and not her hoodie on because it's below freezing, keep her from stuffing her backpack with toys, and so on. And every two minutes, yelling, "DS EAT" and then getting him to do all of the above.

I do second the advice above, that you may be allowing too much time. When I was a kid, the only times I ever missed the bus were when I had too much time to get ready. If I woke up with just enough time to do everything and run out the door, I was fine, but if I got up early for some reason, it was all over. I would invariably think I had time to do this extra and that extra thing, and I would run out of time and miss the bus. I'm still that way, really, just no bus. Too much time is deadly.

Thank you guys so much for all the advice!!

We are definitely going to sit down tonight and make up a list of things that need to be done before bed, and things to be done in the morning. Hopefully that will help! I may have to buy a taser to try and wake DH up so he can help with this circus! (He typically sleeps through this whole fiasco somehow.)

Typically we manage to make it out the door on time, everyone with all their stuff, but today was just TERRIBLE. Of course that led to DS having a terrible morning at school... not even an hour into school I had an email from the Spec. Ed. director asking about how his morning was! *sigh*

I was able to go climb at lunch, so I feel better and calmer now!

We have three checklists for each kid, now - morning chores, afternoon chores, and bedtime chores. There were a few weeks of getting everyone in the habit of checking the lists every day, but now it is really nice. When I see a kid dawdling around, I just ask if s/he's done everything on his/her list, and they usually get moving to check. DD9 is getting more reliable about clearing the table and feeding the cat, too. This plus a big whiteboard that lists the "special" stuff for each day (library day for each kid, afterschool activities, etc.) has really cut down on the nagging.

Really glad to hear you got some "you" time in today and so much helpful advice here. Hope you see progress soon.

My DS 10 has had a clip board size magnetic dry eraser board since he was 7. It has magnets on it with each task he needs to do to get ready for school (i.e. eat breakfast, clear table, brush teeth, get dressed, pack backpack (he has another board for this with each thing that goes in his backpack), etc. On one side it says "To Do" on the other it says "Done" He moves each task from the To Do to Done. If he needs some help staying focused, I say please go to your chart. When he's done, he gets free screen time.

We also lay out the clothes (underwear and socks included) the night before.

Our mornings are bad too. DD, age 8, has severe ADHD and her meds don't kick in until around the time she gets to school, or a half hour later. Her younger brother doesn't have ADHD but has some organizational issues (probably related to his dyspraxia) and between the two of them and their goofing around, it makes me want to scream and pull out my hair. The neighbors have witnessed me on the driveway by my car screaming at my children as they are running in circles through the yard. It is especially bad in winter when they have to have boots, gloves, hat, scarf, snow pants, coat, etc. etc. Since she throws this stuff all around sometimes we can't even find it. She is continually going to school without her glasses and then I get a call saying to bring them in because she can't see anything.

The school marks kids tardy if they show up even 10 seconds after the bell rings. The second the bell rings they lock the doors. Too many tardies and they call CPS for educational neglect.

One thing I do is let her sleep in her clothes. It sounds ridiculous, but she doesn't seem to care and at least I don't have to worry about clothes in the morning. Unless her clothes get dirty, I let her wear the same outfit for two days. Give me the mom of the year award. Her hair is super curly with ringlets popping out of her head in every direction and she looks like a ragamuffin most of the time.

I don't usually read this forum, but your title caught me.

I've learned from the responses that my gut telling me NOT to get a dog was correct. My son's stuffed "friend" keeps him sufficiently distracted.

DS, (6.8) has to be reminded of things that he has had on his morning schedule for a couple of years now. I thought he would be nearly independent by now, but obviously he's not; when I have to explain how to put his socks on.

We set out his backpack with all work, etc. inside at the door the night before. I set out his outfit the night before. My husband makes his lunch and breakfast in the morning. All DS needs to do is get up (takes 15 minutes with our prodding), go to the toilet, get dressed, do his morning chores (make bed, feed cat, empty trash cans) and eat. Some mornings we find him just sort of standing in his room talking with his "friend" and messing with a new invention. Oh, and he will also pull out a magazine and read in the bathroom while using the toilet. (I blame DH for this one.)

I second what another said about having too much time in the morning. I've recently noticed that even though hubby and I rise three hours before take-off, and DS two hours before, we run into the, "I've got extra time, so I'm going to make a diorama of the universe!" argument.

Just this morning I told DS that getting ready in the morning is a lot like jump rope. You have to time your entrance and exit precisely in order to make it.

I just wanted to update that this morning went A LOT BETTER! We made our lists last night, and they checked everything off before bed... and then this morning they started on their lists when they got up. I only had to prod DS9 twice, so not bad at all! My daughter, of course, treated it as a race so she could taunt her brother when she was ready, lol.

Nice! Nothing like healthy competition to take it up a notch.

Great news, epoh! From experience, I can tell you that it won't be as good in a few days when the newness has worn off. But just push through reminding them to check their lists (instead of reminding them of what they have to do) for a couple of weeks, and it will start being better every day.

Great update! Happy for you all!