Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional The Morning Time Hustle... HELP!

So... For I've got 2 kiddos... DS9 (PDD-NOS, ADHD, Anxiety & gifted) and DD 8 (major ADHD, possibly dyslexia, possibly gifted). Every single morning in my house, it's like it's the first morning my two kids have ever had to get ready for school. If I am not standing over them directing them, they will seriously just sit around reading, or playing or petting the dogs. Like, completely in la-la land. I'm rapidly losing my patience with them in the mornings. I have to get myself ready for work as well! I wake them up a full hour before we have to leave... all they have to do is get dressed, eat breakfast, make sure their stuff is in their backpacks and put on their socks and shoes.. DS9 also packs his lunch (his choice.)

Today they may have been tardy... I seriously threw up my hands. I put my stuff in the car and sat out in the driveway and just waited for them to come out on their own. I had zero energy left to give them. I am pretty sure my son's lunch is some apple sauce, a bag of chips and some beef jerky... Not nearly enough for the day. Both kids were in a foul mood and let me know I'm mean and they hate me. *sigh* DS also didn't do his homework last night.

They are both going to be grounded from their laptops for their rude behavior towards me, but what the heck do I do about morning times! They are terrible about getting ready every morning! I have to stick my head out every 5 minutes while I'm getting ready to tell them "get dressed" "eat your breakfast" "leave the dog alone and put your bowl up" "where are your socks? please go get them" "did you put your folder in your backpack?" "Why don't you have clean pants on? Please go get CLEAN pants" etc, etc, etc. It's starting to feel like herding cats!

Give me your tips and advice please!! I felt terrible this morning dropping them off at school with them both in a bad mood!

We keep mornings as dead simple as possible because both parents are cranky in the mornings and we have to get out early. So, just getting dressed, brush teeth and hair, wash face, breakfast. Backpacks and lunches are all taken care of the night before.

Anyway, most of DD9's responsibilites are at night. I was getting annoyed by having to remind her of them every single night--I felt like she was old enough. Also, like your kids, she would wander off and get distracted. Yelling ensued. I made an exhaustive list, including some if-then scenarios ("If it is Tuesday, remove music from backpack") and even general hygiene stuff ("check and see if your nails need clipping") and it has been a HUGE help. Like 10000% better. At bedtime, I just say "Check the list" or "Did you do the list?" and sometimes, I admit, march her over to it to make sure she reads it. I admit, I did not actually realize how many things she has to do till I saw it written out. Also, I was not giving her enough credit for actually wanting to be responsible. She wants to. It was too much for her to remember at this age. She is not ADHD or anything, as far as we know, but tends a little scattered.

Maybe you could make a morning list of things they must do before breakfast? POssibly, if you want to get hardcore, you could not serve breakfast (if you make it) until it's done.

But my kids also take a full 45 minutes in the morning, mostly because they eat like horses and take forever to do it.

Oh, also we put out clothes the night before.

So as you know, ADHD can create conflict seeking in kids (or adults). They get an adrenaline rush that makes them feel better in their brains when you get angry. I hate the advice about staying calm because it is so very difficult when being actively provoked by your children. But losing your cool gives them a pay off that keeps them coming back for more.

Three things that have helped us:

Rewards for getting it done-- we use chore chart on iPad to set points, give bonuses, and offer rewards

Family Rules (Here are ours):
1. Treat others with RESPECT
(no hitting, biting, spitting, yelling, kicking, etc.)
2. WAIT your turn/Don’t interrupt
3. Tell the TRUTH/ Be honest
4. NO ARGUING with Parents
(your point more than twice = arguing)
5. Do what Mom&Dad say the FIRST TIME
6. Respect each other’s PROPERTY
(If it’s not yours, ask first)
7. PUT THINGS AWAY that you take out
(always do before you sleep; don’t forget to flush)
8. PUT SHOES ON before you go out
9. Let someone know WHERE you are going
10. NO NAKEDNESS outside room/bathroom
11. Look for ways to be KIND and HELPFUL
12. HONOR GOD in all your choices

We have these posted prominently in our kitchen and refer to them often. We also have rewards defined for following and punishments defined for breaking them.

Last of all, I like FLY Lady's system for staying on track. Her "Launchpad" ideas and child challenges help me teach positive habits for my DS7 (ADHD, Anxiety) be responsible for himself. www.flylady.com

Well, different approaches work with different kids and some kids are more problematic than others. However, there were a few things in your post that really jumped out at me as problematic. Life would be less chaotic in the morning if all the homework/backpack tasks were taken care of the night before. Clothes, including socks, are laid out the night before and they get dressed before doing anything else. Particularly since your DS likes to make his own lunch, it would be helpful to insist that he packs it the night before as well.

While it may seem counter-intuitive, I think one hour is too much time in the mornings and leads to distractions and beginning other activities which may contribute to tardiness. My children gets ready much more promptly with me than with DH even though I let them sleep in an extra half hour. They have about thirty minutes from the time that I wake them up, which gives my slowest child just enough time if she sticks to each morning task. If they are not ready on time without a good reason, then they may also lose a privilege that day.

Also should add that you are in good company. I believe keeping ADHD family members moving and on track is one of the toughest parts of being the mom of a family with this struggle. I hope you can do something refreshing for yourself today and alleviate some of the stress life brings. On the advice of a counselor helping with our marriage struggles (which have strong impacts from my husband's only recently diagnosed and yet untreated ADHD), I began taking a weekly "break" to do something rejuvenating for me and get away from the life stresses from mornings like yours today. I see a huge difference in my mental health when I miss that weekly appointment.

Some have had success with having a white board for each child, with a chart of the tasks written on it, followed by two columns, night, and morning.

Possibly you would like DS to make his lunch at night, with the packed lunch placed in the fridge. Assign a time to this. For example, you may want the lunch made between 7pm-7:15pm. Possibly each child's complete outfit of clothes including socks and shoes need to be laid out the night before. Possibly you would like this done at 7:15-7:30pm. Their morning tasks would similarly have times assigned.

At morning wakeup, you are free to happily remind them of their white board and their clock, so they may win at the game of good-morning-get-up-and-go! Possibly for being ready early, they may get to spend any extra time reading, playing, and petting the dog until it is time to leave.

For the lunch preparation, you or your son may enjoy making a weekly "menu". This is a checklist which has the categories of food to be packed for lunch. For example, you might list: fresh produce, fruits and veggies. Then fill in what was purchased on recent grocery shopping, for example, juicy red seedless grapes, crunchy organic baby carrots, minibox of raisins. You might list protiens: greek yogurt cup, turkey sandwhich, cheese stick. A weekly "menu" may help provide the needed structure while encouraging him to make sound decisions with the guidance provided.

OP, I go through the same thing every morning with DD8 (no Dx) - she is an intense little personality and mornings are not pretty! If I do not constantly remind her that she needs to hurry up, she gets lost in a book or petting the dog instead of getting ready(sigh). Showers are taken the night before and clothing is already been laid out for the morning. The backpack is packed already for the morning. So she does not have much to do in the morning - eat, get dressed, brush teeth, and it is still a battle - EVERY morning. It is frustrating. We've tried charts, rewards, punishments...homework is a similar story. I chalk it up to her intensity and drive to do what SHE finds significant. As a parent, however, it is exhausting. You are not alone!

you've had superb (and practical!) advice already, so i'll just drop in one more little thing that has worked for us. like HappilyMom, we have a list of family rules (it's eerily similar!) but we also have a list of responsibilities that sits beside it on the fridge. we had to do this pretty early on with our manipulative little one.

it clearly outlines how each person makes their specific contribution to the family - we literally went over with DD exactly how it all breaks down and copied it out for all to see. so for me, it's things like working so i can pay the mortgage, doing all the cooking, driving and (now) the homeschooling. for DH, it's working so he can cover all the other bills, and doing all the cleaning and yard work. for DD5, it encompasses chores, morning and nighttime self-sufficiency, packing/unpacking her dance and swimming bags, etc. it's quite a flexible list, and we always edit it together as our needs change.

for an ADHD situation, i'd imagine that a LOT more scaffolding would be in order, but the core of what worked for us was identifying that each person was expected to make a contribution to the way our family functions. DD suddenly stopped seeing herself as an entitled freeloader (hee!) and it has made a really, really big difference.

Minor enhancement, I'd try to develop the list with them and strategize on it together so they take ownership for the decisions (part psychology, part lifelong learning) rather than prsent it as fait accompli.