Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy vent - conversation with incompetent aide

I need to vent. And I've learned that this is the right place.

DS7 had not such a great year last year. At the beginning of this year, I met my son's teacher and aide before school started. At first I thought the aide was fabulous! (The teacher has basically written DS off. She is sweet, but can't handle him academically.) Anyway, very quickly after the start of school, DS was refusing to go to school - very unlike him - well, unlike him before the previous year. He was miserable and I knew there was a problem. I talked to the teachers and principal multiple times. They assured me that everything was fine. I knew it wasn't. So I began partially homeschooling him and pulling him out of school after just a few hours a day.

Today, as I was leaving school with my son, the aide pulls me aside. My son was standing not too far away, so I was already aware that I could not speak freely. Here is our conversation:

Aide: "I just want you to know that DS7 has calmed down quite a bit lately. He seems so much happier the last few weeks."
Me: "What do you mean? I was told that he was happy all along."
Aide: "The first several weeks of school, he spent the whole day being so anxious. But he has calmed down so much!"
Me: [in my head - WTF he was anxious?!! I knew that he was unhappy. Everyone denied that and now you tell me that you NOTICED anxiety - for WEEKS!] "This is the first that I am hearing from you that he was having problems."
Aide: "Well, I think he is just getting used to the routine now. It takes the children a while to get used to the routine. You know, he is just such a wonderful 7 year old boy. His brain is tremendous and it will take him far in life. But it's so important for him to just be a boy and be happy and play. The rest will come later."
Me: "I couldn't agree with you more. It's important for him to be a 7 year old boy getting the education that he deserves." [in my head - yes, he's "calmed down" and stopped being so anxious ever since I listened to his misery at being at school all day and started pulling him out. Have you not noticed that he is much happier because he is spending far less time in the classroom!!!???] Of course, what is she trying to say here? That he should not do "accelerated" work because he is being denied his childhood? I think that we can successfully argue that allowing a child to be anxious all day is in effect stealing his childhood.

I was so angry! Why would teachers/administrators intentionally allow a 7 year old to sit around all day being anxious?! And how many times did I ask them about how DS was doing in school? And I had to plant myself in the classroom just to observe him. What is wrong with these people!?

Sounds like a strange conversation. Was she trying to imply that the accelerated work is somehow related to anxiety, or were those two unrelated random thoughts?

The more I read on this board the more I'm wondering what percentage of teachers out there are actually good teachers. And do any of them ever get fired? Some of the behaviors/comments are so outrageous. And it's disgusting that you continually asked how he was doing and they denied any problems.

Was she trying to imply that the accelerated work is somehow related to anxiety, or were those two unrelated random thoughts?

Yes. Last year DS was subject accelerated in math from 1st to 4th grade. After a lot of back and forth, the principal decided not to accelerate him and instead provide an "enrichment" group of 2nd graders in his classroom. In effect, they were asking him to repeat 2nd grade math, when he had already completed 4th grade math last year. When the principal told me of this plan, I told her on the spot that it wasn't happening and that I would send in the appropriate math work for him. This aide was put in place, in part, to run the math enrichment group for his class. Her comment was referring to the fact that she believes that he shouldn't be accelerated. He should just be happy to repeat material that he has already mastered.

The more I read on this board the more I'm wondering what percentage of teachers out there are actually good teachers.


Very few. Having working in public and private schools, very few public school teachers are any good. And extremely few ever get fired, if there is a teachers union. I have my own theories as to why there are so few good teachers anymore.

And it's disgusting that you continually asked how he was doing and they denied any problems.

I wanted to vomit on the spot. Fortunately I have completely hijacked my child's education (to borrow a title of a TED talk), so I no longer have to worry about how the school is actively neglecting him.

MON, I wish that your scenario was true. At the beginning of the year, we had a large team meeting which included a number of staff members who have known DS for 2 years. In fact, his current classroom teacher had DS previously for a few months in her class. I recall the aide - in particular - asking if we could all tell her a bit what DS is like. (One of the reasons that I was initially impressed with her!) The descriptions of DS never included anxious. "Easy going, friendly, happy, funny". Those were the words used to describe DS.

I'm not surprised that the school would equate acceleration with anxiety. The school has a very hostile attitude toward gifted children (have I mentioned what board members have said about gifted children?). DS teacher last year accused us of all sorts of things to "get" DS to want to excel in math. This aide's comments just fit in with the general attitude with the school.

What really bugs me is that I asked - so many times - about how DS was doing and asked to come and observe him. And they assured me that he was "fine" and didn't let me in!

Might there be an opportunity to make a brief presentation to the board, about giftedness? There are resources like "A Nation Deceived" and many more.

Many are more familiar with "hothousing" by Tiger Moms, or "myths" of giftedness... and not gifted kids for whom learning is like breathing.


Teachers typically receive little or no training about gifted as they complete their education degrees, advanced degrees and ongoing professional development. School board members may likewise be uninformed about giftedness as they may come from every walk of life, not necessarily a child development background. Aides may have very little training or qualifications (often just a high school diploma is required). Aides may earn very little money, may have little authority or autonomy, but remain successful by following orders. While a teacher, board member or aide may disappoint us by the things they may say and the lack of knowledge it may reveal, they may actually be competent with regard to their assigned duties. To the degree we can use our disappointment to leverage opportunities to help enlighten them regarding gifted issues, kids may benefit greatly.

In some areas, parents of gifted children have come together to elect a parent of a gifted child to the school board, or supported each other in obtaining various volunteer positions of influence. Parents can then use these platforms to help raise awareness.

Thanks for the feedback, Indigo.

Might there be an opportunity to make a brief presentation to the board, about giftedness? There are resources like "A Nation Deceived" and many more.

BTDT. I am part of the second wave of gifted parents trying to make change. All but one of the first wave has left the school. We have 2 out of 15 gifted supporters on the board. When our group of parents last addressed the board, the first board response began with, "Tell the little geniuses..."

This particular aide is middle aged, holds a master's degree, making a career change and has some teaching experience. When we first met in the team meeting, she was the only one at the meeting who knew the gifted buzzwords and was actually educating the teacher and principal on what she was saying. I had good hopes for her, but remained cautious of course. This aide was presented to us by the principal as "the solution" to my son's need for acceleration. Now, I had already had enough experience at this school to know to not hold my breath here. I mean, they were not allowing my son to continue a successful acceleration. I knew this was not a good situation. I did think, however, that this aide (and teacher) had the maturity and bare minimum competence to alert me to my son's apparent anxiety. Especially when I was waving big giant red flags around his head.

In thinking about this, I think the aide probably just knew the buzzwords about gifted education. But she clearly has no experience and does not understand or support gifted children. She is thinking that my son is not as anxious because I have backed off with contacting the school on a regular basis re: my son's refusal to go to school. She is thinking that I have "given up" and am no longer interested in accelerating my son at school. Well, she is right. I AM NOT longer interested in accelerating my son AT school. He does it at home and misses a good chunk of school to do it. And he is happy and relaxed because he doesn't have to spend so much time in the classroom being stifled by the poor environment.

When I spoke with her, I just felt like I was talking to Nurse Ratchet. She knew exactly what she was doing by ignoring my requests to come to school.

By the way, as mentioned before, my son's classroom teacher has completely signed off on educating my son. She usually does not attend any meetings that we have and have never responded to any emails. She is super sweet, but she is not really in charge of my son.

How long can your son miss chunks of school before the police or the truant officer turn up on your doorstep? I am sorry you had such high hopes for this aide. I still don't really get how anyone could think that it wasn't appropriate to go to 5th grade maths after 4th grade. Seems like the logical progression after all.

We have no problem in pulling my son out of school early. He attends the required number of hours per state law. Turns out that in my state, that number is surprisingly low.

I document everything that we are doing. So, if anyone ever asked (and no one has), I've got all of our lessons documented.

Before this conversation, we had my son tested for 2E issues. The tester is the same tester who did my son's IQ test last year. I wanted the tester to come to school to present her results last year but the school wouldn't see her. Once we raised the 2E issue at school, the school is now interested in having the tester come in. I just met with her last week and she is really upset about the whole state of things at our school. She's been working with gifted and 2E kids for 20 years and said this has been one of the worst environments she has seen (but not THE worst - she has seen even more horrible situations). She is a licensed clinical psychologist and has completely supported our choice to partially homeschool and has written this up in documents to give to the school. (In fact, she recommends 100% homeschool but my son is not interested in that.) So, fortunately, we've got everything documented and have an expert on our side. Whew!

Just to add, I know why the principal wouldn't allow my son to progress to 5th grade math. He was too "visible" with this acceleration. Other families were starting to ask about their own children and if they could be accelerated. It was too much for the principal so she wanted to just keep my son in his class. The principal admitted to me that she doesn't know what gifted really is and she can't differentiate between "high achiever" and "gifted".

Sounds like they need an official policy. For example if a kid scores above X level on ability and achievement tests, they can be accelerated.
Our district has that but can't utlize it half the time, with conflicting schedules between classes. So if my DS was pulled out of class for math to go to a different grade, he would miss something else, like gym or music or lunch. So the school has a useless policy where some kids end up being able to take advantage of it and not others.

YIKES! In one ear and out the other. Easier said than done, but time to try to recruit some new school board candidates.

This may be quite common. They may even *think* they know, but that knowledge may be based on a limited number of case studies or composite profiles which do not map perfectly to the kids they encounter. They may believe they are done learning about gifted, rather than excited about each child as a unique new puzzle.

Reminds me the starfish story... rescuing beached starfish by returning them to the water one at a time, making a difference.


This provides a very clear picture of what you are up against.