Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Advice Wanted for Emotional Issues

Despite a rough beginning of school (for everyone not just ds) ds11 is doing very well in his new grade. Ds11 skipped 6th and went to 7th. He has a couple of challenging classes: one because the teacher has high expectations, and the other, compacted 7th and 8th grade math, is challenging because he skipped all of 6th grade math. Guess which classes he likes the most? The challenging ones. Seeing is believing. And he has even articulated that he loves math because he's learning new things. He received interim reports from all classes and of course he's doing very well, but he's prouder of his grades in the harder classes than he is of the easier classes. So all's great...

except...in one of his favorite classes, SS, the teacher shows relevant videos. Sometimes it's of the brutality of the Renaissance and Reformation times, sometimes it's of current events, and one day it was a video of people falling out of the towers on 9/11.
ds is now having nightmares and what he called this morning "nervous feeling." He's mostly dreaming about losing me (which could be a normal working out of growing more independent). He's back to talking about death. (when he was 5, he talked for months, nearly a whole year, about death and what it meant.) Last night in the middle of the night he was very upset there were so many wars and death and shootings. He was also upset about dying in general and of the possibility of losing us. Maybe this is normal, but when ds starts thinking about something like this, it can be overwhelming for him.

We have probably done a disservice by not having cable television, by only getting our news from NPR and the internet. He has not been exposed to the reality of "news" and does not yet understand that there are far more good people that the media doesn't deem newsworthy than bad.

I can't help wondering that despite being academically ready for the skip, for a sheltered, sensitive, kid, maybe emotionally he's not.

My son is 11, too, and didn't skip, so he's in 6th.

He read an article about the Syrian gas attacks and the many deaths of children last week in Social Studies. It was from the adult Time magazine. (In his school the highest ability kids read adult material and average kids read abridged "kid" versions.)

So I don't think the skip has anything to do with what he's exposed to in middle school SS. My son had to read the articles, then write his responses, which lead to some good discussions.

We stopped shielding our kids from most news by 5th grade. There are still things we mute on the morning news, but mostly, we let them know-- and they're interested. My 6th grader watched the news report this morning about the mass shooting at the ship yard. And my 7yo knows about it, too.

But regarding the falling man video-- I would contact the principal about it. I've seen that video and it is deeply disturbing and overwhelmingly sad. It's one thing to read about people jumping to their deaths and it's another to have to watch it. I don't think that's appropriate content for middle schoolers at all.

i actually wonder if your DS' reactions aren't MORE emotionally appropriate than his peers. it may all hit him a bit harder because he has the scope to really see the true horror and sadness of these things.

i know that's not totally helpful, because it doesn't actively help him move through the emotions to a place where he can manage them, but perhaps really validating his viewpoint might help him get a bit more comfortable with it? it's wonderful that he's expressing these fears to you - and keeping the conversation open will probably go a long way to working through the anxiety.

as a next step beyond validation, i wonder if maybe talking about the resources that people draw upon in times of turmoil might not help? it sounds like the uncertainty of it all is really bothering your son, and that's actually totally natural. but every day, ordinary people live through and transcend horrific tragedies - so perhaps thinking a bit about how communities band together and survive might be a good way to process the anxieties?

i have a very emotional husband, and i've found that helping him really walk around inside his anxiety and see his fears from different angles helps him find perspective. given how many years my husband lived like that with no help from his family, i do have to say that your son is very lucky to have you!

I have to say, both of your responses made me cry. Thank you.

Regarding talking to the principal, I have already sent a letter to the superintendent regarding what I saw were grave issues such as our school being the only school in the county without a trained AIG advocate and therefore leaving many children without an advocate in state that mandates they have one. I have raised concerns regarding the ridiculousness of the first week in which first ds was placed in the wrong grade and then in the wrong classes. Things that were put in place with previous administration for ds's acceleration, mainly being placed with a peer mentor, fell through, and in a graceless way, imo. These were complaints directed at the central office however, not at the teachers, with the exception of the counselor who was nothing more than a blunt instrument.

This is one of the classes ds loves. The teacher is engaging and his class is quite difficult; this is the first time ds has encountered someone who asks him to THINK about situations and think deeply. I hesitate rocking that particular boat.

Doubtfulguest,

I am indeed working to help him feel comforted in a sometimes horrifying world, but man, this is my ds who first looks at things with a negative slant. It takes a LOT to get him to believe that positive thinking has real consequences.

How is your relationship with that teacher? It might be worth contacting him or her to share your own reaction to the man jumping and to ask how the class discussion goes with such videos. Not in a judgmental way but to learn the approach... Then you can express concerns as needed.

Personally, I am not sure graphic images are necessary in middle school. Reading and discussing is disturbing enough without burning images into one's mind.

ConnectingDots,

I agree. We don't have a relationship yet, because school has only been going now for four weeks. But I will bring up my concerns at the first conference we have which is in 3 weeks.

it really, really does. it's such a tough thing - i've been fighting it for over 10 years with my husband, and it's slow going. i think i'm having an easier time with DD5 because she's so little i can guide her more easily to nip the negative thinking in the bud. i think it's working, because the other day she came up with a theory of two (imaginary) monsters - she's got one in each hand, and they whisper things to her. one whispers useful, positive information that she can translate into action and the other one whispers stuff that stops her from going forward. her trick is to actively listen to what each one is saying, and then decide which one to listen to. it's pretty awesome, and since she came up with it herself, she's starting to use it independently. at most, all i have to do is cue her with "monsters!" and she's golden.

i just thought of something. i recently found a book for my husband that actually might be helpful for you. it's called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. i only found it because i thought my husband might be getting sick of me rabbiting on and on about being able to change how you feel about difficult circumstances. this book pretty much nails it - and since it's not just my annoying advice - i think it goes further with him!

you have all my empathy on this - it's such a tough one.

Doubtfulguest,

Thank you so much. I'm ordering it today.

ETA: your dd is amazing.

My child is younger. We are not there. However I worked with the American Red Cross during 9/11. We were not in a state hit by the terrorists but I worked with children and the schools. Those news videos WERE traumatizing and inappropriate for children and some adults. Many who witnessed them through media needed psychological help to deal with the trauma. I find the graphic showing of that footage to middle school children to be completely inappropriate from a mental health perspective. It is "normal" for some children to be traumatized by viewing horrific events such as people leaping to their deaths to avoid being burned. There is no need to show that particular footage with so many choices.

Are you quite certain they showed the jumpers? I only ask because those images have been considered very much verboten by US media, so it would be surprising to me that they would be shown in a middle school classroom. Maybe the video simply referred to it? Not that this is the main point here, but I would just confirm it before going in and making a statement about that.

This is the link ds came home with. I will verify it was viewed in class:

http://www.history.com/interactives/witness-to-911

In particular the video by the woman from the NYU dorm.

I think you have gotten some great advice. Honestly don't think that it is appropriate to show the jumpers. That was horrifying and disturbing to adults. I think it is appropriate to discuss the events of that day with 7th graders, but even my 12 yr. old 8th grader has not seen the video. I am certain that she is not yet ready. (As is she.) I would want the option for her to opt of seeing the images.

Deacongirl,

Yes, I wished I'd had a choice. This is the first male teacher ds has had and he loves the guy. I need to proceed thoughtfully here...

KADmom, I haven't opened the link because I, a very *old* person, do not want to take a chance seeing the jumpers - I saw it the day of 9/11 and that was enough of an image to haunt a person for a lifetime.

I do think the topic of 9/11 is absolutely age-appropriate for middle school children. We avoided watching the evening news with our children until they were around 11 years old, but at that age they became very interested in world events and their schools also started introducing the not-so-wonderful parts of history.


I wouldn't rock the boat - your ds loves the teacher and the class, the teacher is engaging - I would let things go for now and only rock the boat if another situation arises with another disturbing video. I'd handle the emotional fallout of this at home, but wouldn't make an issue of it at school.


It's probably simply going to take more life experiences for him to feel secure about the power of positive thinking. I'd try to allow him to watch the news and hear about current events, while at the same time look for positive and inspiring news either online or on the tv for him to watch. Get him out into the community volunteering or participate in church or whatever it is that is meaningful for your family - those types of positive-thinking experiences.

polarbear

Polarbear,

Beautiful advice. Thank you.

KADmom, I just two of the several videos on your link and they are chilling to the bone, even for an adult. I can understand why the experience of watching them traumatized your child so much. While some kids that age may not be able to fathom the gravity of the situation, a highly intelligent and emotional child like yours might not be able to shake it off. The image of people running outside with raw fear while the firemen walking into the burning building makes my heart stop. Maybe talk to your DS about the courage of those who rose to the challenge that day and became forever heroes.

I still can't think about the towers without seeing the jumpers in my head and the emotional torment of those awful, heart-rending images hasn't abated one iota for me (also a very old person). Last year DS7, then 6, was comparing images of the NYC skyline and asked me why the towers were in some pictures and not others. Even the abbreviated explanation I gave him caused great anxiety. He ultimately dealt with it by recreating events, complete with lego towers and planes, in a parallel world wherein only the terrorists died, but his initial response was absolute denial that anything bad had happened. And that was just a picture of absence, not of the act.

Your son's ability to discuss his feelings with you in such depth is wonderful and bodes well for you helping him through emotional issues, and I do think home is the place for addressing them. I would, though, mention to the teacher at the conference (assuming no further videos of this nature in the meantime) how distressing you, as an adult, found those particular images. It may be that they are such a part of his accumulated memories of 9/11 that he hasn't stepped back to consider their impact on new viewers. I'm actually quite torn between feeling that the jumpers are inappropriate viewing for that, or maybe any, age and worrying about watering down horror such that children are left with only a partial picture of events.

Thanks so much for your input, CoastalMom and Lovemydd. It's reassuring there are so many intelligent, caring parents/people here on this board.

Kadmom, I just watched the NYU Dorm video and it brought me to tears. I would definitely have a conversation with the teacher about that video and its emotional impact on middle school students-- regardless of whether they're skipped. I wouldn't wait for another poorly-chosen video to discuss the matter.

My son also loves SS this year. It's a wonderfully intellectually challenging class, so I understand why you don't want to rock the boat.

But think even if your child wasn't exceptionally sensitive, that video is too disturbing for middle school children-- especially when the girl starts shrieking about the second attack. I'm going to be thinking about it for the rest of the day.

I agree that particular video was especially horrifying... the understandable reaction of the girl to what she had witnessed was incredibly disturbing. I agree with what someone said above about sanitizing the horror...I think that most Americans *should* see those videos to try to understand just what it was like for those who lived through it and to try to understand all that came after. Not sure what the right age is. I think a good teacher could underestimate the impact of the image of the video on children.

I watched the video as well and found it extremely haunting, even though I have seen many videos of the event. I note that the link says "unfiltered videos," which I read as a warning that the videos will be quite shocking. I would question a teacher's choice to show these. I understand the hesitation to say anything. Oh, I really feel for you. My DD was devastated to receive her first "lesson" about 9/11 in second grade. We had not told her about it because we knew she was not of an age to handle it well yet.

I think the video might be appropriate for 11th and 12th graders.

Back again. I think that it is entirely possible to visualize and understand horror without images, given a quick mind and good imagination. I was quite able, as a young student, to grasp the inhumanity and carnage of the Nazi camps after reading about them, absent any photo images showing stacked bodies.

It is very hard to "unsee" an image, particularly for those with photographic memories. I would be very supportive of the teacher but agree with those who say this may not be fully thought out by same.

Thanks for your input, everyone. I really appreciate it.