Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy help me be ok with a grade skip

First day of school. When I asked DS7 how was school, he said, "Good. I loved seeing my friends. Can I just go to 4th grade next year? It's not like I'm going to learn anything this year." (He's in 2nd.)

I know it's the right thing to do. I have been waiting for him to ask. Yet, I am so resistant. We've basically been stalling with DS at his school for the grade skip. But it's so very needed. How can I feel better about it?

My DD is in the first week of a 2nd -> 4th grade skip. So far, so good (God willing, long may it last).

I searched high and low for negative cases and didn't really find any. This site has a lot of useful information as does Hoagie's. The clincher for me was doing the IOWA scale assessment which takes a number of variables into account and finding that DD was a prime candidate for the skip beyond just the academics. I for one really needed to be convinced that it was a safe thing to try. I cannot say for sure that this has or hasn't 'worked for the better' but DD is very positive thus far...

Why not put him in 3rd right now?

Apart from waiting for him to ask, which is valid, what is holding you back? That might help us reassure. My middle child is 18months+ into a skip and I am so glad we did it, socially, emotionally, academically.

By the time my son was in 4th, he didn't want to do it. If I were you, and he's asking for it, I would see about skipping to 3rd now.

Six days into the skip to third; so far, so OK. Biggest concern so far is the wasted time on pre-testing, but they discussed the scientific method and cell stuctures last week, and he was so fired up to explain the importance of ATP to me.

My issues:
1. totally selfish - I don't want DS leaving home 1 year earlier. That's so hard for me to swallow. I know people say the child may take a gap year. But how can anyone really predict what your child is going to do in 10 years?
2. is my child really that capable? Basically, I am projecting imposter syndrome on my child.
3. Will skipping a year actually reduce his accomplishments and the things that go with them (ex. scholarships), because there will be more capable kids in his new grade?
4. will my DS be upset about the skip when he is older?

BTW, I did the IOWA scale at home. He is an excellent candidate.

5. If we just in a much better school right now, we wouldn't have to skip. Should we just fork over the money and send him to the much better school now?

With most of your points I would say - not skipping is not a neutral choice, it's easier to ignore potential consequences, but (for example) what if he achieves less because he switches off? What if he resents you not skipping him?

With #5 I totally relate. I am holding out hope to be able to send my HG DD to a private school by yr5. Right now I feel like she needs a second skip to be instruction at her level at our local public, but I am pretty certain she would not need that skip at the private school, so much so that if she does go private for 5th we may need to reverse a second skip... That's tricky. And it's absolutely not an option for us to just send her now.

OK, this gets my attention! Thank you!

I know, I know. You are right. He has already switched off at school. "Mom I go to school to see my friends. I don't go there for learning. Learning happens at home." And last year, he was really frustrated and angry by about the 3rd month of school. I don't want that to happen again.

Maybe I should consider just putting him in third now. I'm sure that it will involve a long drawn out process. He does, though, have one friend that he doesn't want to leave behind. That's it. In fact, it was just that friend that he gives as a reason to stay in 2nd grade this year.

My DS7 has a couple of kids from last year that he still plays with and talks to, but he seems to have more in common with the older kids in his new class.

If he is already checked out and he is telling you he wants to skip, what could it hurt to try?

I also think you are right about it being a process. If you speak to the school now to get the ball rolling, it might be mid-year by the time anything gets resolved. I'd say you need to REALLY think about it.

My 6 year old first grader has asked a couple of times to either skip first or move to another school. He even asked me to homeschool him, and a different time suggested an online school. All of these were things he came up with by himself:(
K was awful for him.

It breaks my heart that we can't let him skip to 2nd, but he has a twin, and at this point having just one skip would cause life-long consequences for the other twin and their relationship. (His brother is REALLY overly competitive with him) I am really hoping the GIEP plan will make a difference, and I am hoping that at some point his brother will be ready for a grade skip, as well.

If you don't have any compelling reasons not to skip, you should seriously consider doing it.

I think it's easier to skip the early elementary years. Also the early elem. years are the most mind-numbing for GT kids. Our DS skipped first grade and is still friends with a couple of the kids he "left behind" -- that doesn't have to be an issue. You can make play dates, do rec sports, etc., outside of school.

Our son was also an excellent candidate on the IAS. One grade skip was not enough, and we transferred and commute to an accelerated program for HG kids, which has been a good fit.

There is usually a way to undo a skip later on, but in my opinion, high school would be the time to do that, when there are more opportunities for appropriate classes and dual enrollment.

We do not regret the skip for our kiddo. If your son is really into competition (academic or sports), that is something to consider. It was not an issue for our son in early elem.

We didn't grade skip our ds - and to be honest, this was a *large* part of why we didn't. DS had some tough years, particularly in upper elementary. We *have* had challenges that might have been easier had we skipped him. OTOH, I still appreciate having him home for that extra year and don't regret not skipping him for that reason. I know you are asking for reasons to feel ok about a skip, but I think it's also important to weigh the things you want overall too - and if this is important to you, know that it can work out.



I would never *ever* consider this as a reason for not skipping - if you are considering a skip, if you have data (ability and achievement) that support the skip, and if your child wants the skip, toss this worry aside. You mentioned that you've filled out the IOWA scale at home and he's an excellent candidate, so where exactly do you think he's not capable?

I'm not saying don't listen to that voice - maybe there is something that is real about a gut feeling that he's not ready or not capable - but look for the data behind the feeling before you talk yourself into thinking he's not capable.


Skipping isn't going to suddenly land your ds in a class of students with a higher ratio of high-IQ kids to middle-IQ kids - he'll still be one of the higher IQ kids in class, so no, in theory, it shouldn't make any different in terms of accomplishments. Except that he won't be able to get his driver's license at the same time as the other kids

OTOH, skipping a grade won't necessarily mean he'll find appropriate challenges either - unless he's going into a gifted classroom situation where there is differentiation. Although we didn't grade-skip my ds, he is significantly subject-accelerated, and he does complain about the slow pace of the subject-accelerated classes where he is thrown in with kids who are at their grade level studying the same subject.

The other thing grade-skipping might not accomplish in and of itself is landing your child with teachers who will understand him or understand giftedness.


I suspect my kids could be upset about just about *any* type of parenting decision I make for them. I have visions of the conversations they will be having with their therapists when they are young adults I don't let that stop me from making what I think is the best decision for *now*, and then I simply hope that in the long run, if I keep the focus on raising my children to be happy, healthy and empathetic human beings, one little mistake here or there such as grade-skipping or not, won't be that big of a deal.

Lastly, if there is some tug inside of you that is feeling you need to have us (or others) *help* you feel ok with something, maybe that means the something isn't exactly what you need to do right now. Just a thought.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Our son skipped twice. The first, skipping K and starting 1st @ age 4 was very difficult for me, primarily because I was not yet participating in this forum and so was very ignorant of the GT world.

His second skip, going from 4th to 5th after about a month, was much easier... but still left me filled with nagging doubts. This DITD group, however, was HUGELY responsible for maintaining my sanity.

He's now an 11yo freshman in high school and doing very nicely, including his Alg II class, which is comprised of primarily Sophs & Jrs (he's the only Freshman in Alg II).

I recently read through the threads where I was helped through that second skip and definitely know that I am very much at peace with his situation.

Although it won't work for you right now, down the road, when you are in the mood for an affirmation, spend an hour or two in a classroom filled with his age peers... and try to imagine putting him back at that level.

My son's age peers are in either 6th or 7th this year... couldn't conceive of him in either situation... he is definitely in a better place. Not perfect, but as close as we're gonna get.

We are 4 weeks into a skip from 4th to 6th and it is going great. I can't see having made any other decision. It helped that my daughters best friend was already in 6th grade. I see her doing homework for the first time. She doesn't like it, but she is still making lots of 100s, though she has gotten something wrong on a couple more quizzes than in the past. She is adjusting to the fact that she is not done with everything before she leaves school.

We are not really interested in her starting high school early. So, we will likely do a pre-high school gap year/homeschool year and maybe have her do some type of research project.

Well-- you can't. But it seems to me that using this as a reason to not skip at THIS point is, well-- predicting 10 years into the future. LOL.


Presumably, if a skip WOULD seem like the best choice, er-- then that cannot possibly be the case. Too many other people have to agree with you about that high ability, and they have no reason to do so if they aren't of the opinion that he IS that capable.


Uhhhh-- see #1. Don't look that far down the road. Please. If you try, you DO run the risk that a child will, by that time, have discovered the myriad ways to entertain and challenge him/herself OUTSIDE of acceptable activities... oy, do I know this one. DO. NOT. PASS. GO. here. Seriously. Bored/unchallenged kids who are HG+ are a danger to themselves and everyone around them as adolescents. TRULY.


Well, unless you have the most remarkable adolescent on earth, he's bound to find SOMETHING to criticize in your parenting decisions, and he's probably going to trot it out at the most hurtful moment imaginable. This is what teens do. I wouldn't be so afraid of that if I were you. I bitterly resent my parents NOT skipping me. It led to all manner of bad, bad, BAD things, and it was sheer luck that I didn't wind up a high school dropout and teen mother with an arrest record as long as my arm. No kidding.

As someone else pointed out, NOT skipping may be the status quo, but it is not necessarily benign.

It's not that I'm universally pro-acceleration. There are very good reasons for NOT skipping some children.

That's what the IAS is intended to evaluate.

You have a problem now. Don't let future hypothetical problems cloud your judgement. If your child is not flourishing in school, please do your best to fix the problem for him, now.

You say that he did well on the IOWA scale test. I am sure that you have your answer right there!

I am an adult who skipped 2 grades in elementary school. That turned out to be the best thing that happened to me.
But, my nephew who is now in 8th grade, having skipped 2 grades is having a big problem where sports are concerned. He is pretty involved in atheletics and finds that he is unable to compete with kids in his grade who are far more physically developed due to the 2 year age gap. So, you might have a problem where sports are concerned, but certainly not where academics are concerned.
Hard to tell, right now!

If your child vocalizes the wish that he wanted to be in an environment that challenges him, then he is ready for the skip. I would suggest that you do a single level skip now and then reevaluate your options later - that way, your son might be closer in age to the late birthday kids in the next grade and may not find the change difficult socially.

Y'all are so awesome! Really, I don't know what I would do without this space, because as many of you are aware, there are not many places where one can speak of such topics openly without all sorts of misplaced reactions.

I always like to jump back to one of my first lessons in working with children in foster care: always do what is in the best interests of the child. My son has worked in many environments with older children and he THRIVES. He is very much an alpha dog in almost any group (last year I recall picking him up from his accelerated computer class and he had the kids who were 3 years older than him cleaning up his mess).

Here is our family baggage which clouds things (though I may pretend that it doesn't): I wasn't skipped (I should have been), DH was skipped 4 (4!) years and it still wasn't enough. He was valedictorian in HS and college. I don't want my DS to be on the 4 year acceleration plan.

But I do need to meet him where he is at and do what's in the best interest in the child.

Keep the great advice and perspective coming. It means so much to me.

Ah. Yeah, so what we want and what our kids need - not always the same thing. How many folks on this board, with both parents gifted, are dealing with kids who are not at least equal to at least one of the parents (where there is no 2e)? On the other hand making a 1 yr skip is not an automatic commitment to a double skip, let alone a quad skip :-). One bridge at a time. Least-worst for right now...

Few, if any, parents will ever be faced with the decision to skip their child ahead 4 years in a single shot. So, rest assured! While you might ultimately reach that need, it probably won't happen in one fell swoop. This whole parenting journey is really just real-time Newton's Method, focusing on decisions on the margin. Stay at the margin, focus on positive incremental change, and you'll be doing as well as anyone could in your shoes.

Right. If we had a nickel for every time one of us has thought "But-- this isn't what I signed on for!!" as a parent...


well, our retirement savings would look a lot more, er, robust than it currently does, let's just say, and we wouldn't be worried about paying for college.

None of us gets the kids we thought we wanted... and only the very luckiest among us get the parents we need.

I stopped worrying so much about the former and focused on mitigating the latter.

My deepest fear has always been I'd have a normal kid and have no idea how to relate to them. My mom says if she'd had me first she wouldn't have had another kid. "Becuase you got it right the first time, Mom?" "No, that's not it."

ROFL.

Er--- heyyyyyy...

I'm an only child.

We've joked with DD over the years that she is enough trouble/fun/entertainment/enjoyment for THREE kids... no need for more than her. Not the whole truth, of course, which is complicated and has little to do with her at all (and she knows that), but it's funny.