Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS's School Called Me Today

Hey Gang!

I received a call from DS2�s (turns 3 in Nov) school today. I was told that DS is increasingly more aggressive with the other kids, and they�re not sure why. Specifically, this morning DS pushed, hit and kicked the other kids. After he hit one child, DS went over to his teacher � wagged his index finger at her and said �No hitting. We don�t hit our friends.� DS�s teacher said that he obviously knows what he�s doing is wrong since he used the same words she uses to scold naughty behavior. She also said that she doesn�t think DS is bored.

I took DS to the doctor yesterday to see if he was sick. DS�s health is fine. Our home-life is okay (i.e., emotionally stable and peaceful). You should know that DS hits DH and me too. DS hits/kicks me more, but I think that�s just b/c I spend the most quality time with him. DS is our only child.

How do you know when your child�s behavior is purely age-appropriate or something else (i.e., more or different)? I�ve read �1-2-3 Magic� and �The Happiest Toddler on the Block� without much improvement in DS�s behavior. DS�s grandma, DH and I have all made sure we�re disciplining the same.

Have any of you used a child psychologist? I�m not sure what else to do, and I thought an *expert* may be able to help. I would like it if someone who knows/understands children could spend time with DS and tell me what they think. I�m not sure what type of qualifications this person would have. Any ideas?

I hope all of you are doing well.

Ann

Ann - i'm sorry you got that call. I'm not going to be much help because I don't have much personal experience with hitting, except I know when we went to early childhood classes, this was very normal behavior, and the following book was recommended:
Hands Are Not For Hitting Book

DS4 did hit a couple times when he was really frustrated with something, and we gave him immediate consequences (no warning) that could not be earned back (loss of bedtime books). That worked for us. Good luck!

I think this is a common phase. DD went through a hitting phase when she was about 3. We also used immediate consequences to good effect.

My dd went thru a phase as well. You need to have consistent and immediate consequences. At that age, I would not try to reason with him and give a big lecture of why hitting is wrong. Simply give him a consequence immediately after he hits. He will soon learn that this is not acceptable behavior. It will soon pass...

What immediate consequences worked for your child? When DS hits me he gets an immediate time out. I'll stand him up against something (wall, bush, car - wherever we are). Usually DS will throw his head backward into my pelvis and/or slink to the ground and try to scoot away. DS's nurse told me that I should put him in a time out and sit six feet away from him while giving him the evil eye should he move. However, the evil eye doesn't work on DS - he gets up and leaves. If I sit him back down the process repeats itself.

When DS hit me this evening I tried something different. I acted dramatic and wounded (insert somewhat rampant emotionalism). DS told me that I was okay - stopped acting out physically, but still didn't go in the house like I'd asked him to. His anger with me is always b/c he doesn't get to do what he wants when he wants. I'm not sure if this is the same situation at school. In the morning DS tells me that he doesn�t want to go to school and that he wants to stay home with me. However, that�s not an option for us.

The trick is to find out something that your ds will really be unhappy about. For my DS, timeouts didn't matter, and at the age he was hitting, taking away books really mattered. Another phase, taking away anything with sugar in it for the day really got to him. Now, it would be taking away computer time. Maybe taking away a favorite stuffed animal? For me, it was just figuring out what that thing was that will really work as a consequence, instead of getting an "i don't mind" sort of response.

Thanks! I hadn't thought about that. If I took away anything with wheels DS would be mad. I think he'd also be upset if I took away his stickers. I'll try it out tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

Oh - one more thing that worked. We would put the favorite toy or thing in a timeout (out of reach for the child). He hated that. this works especially well if 2 kids are fighting over a toy...

Dr. Phil calls it currency! Yes, it's probably a phase. Yes, it's appropriate to let them know there will be consequence to behavior. Time outs don't work for all kids.
As long as you are calm and don't have anger in your voice you can mandate any consequence you think will have impact.
We took minutes away from bedtime. Meaning, each time the behavior was not okay, they were given a warning: If you continue, you will lose 15 minutes of bedtime.
That seems to be the precious commodity for them.
Consistency is the most important thing.
All kids go through this and for some kids it's just more extreme, no you are not imagining this!
I agree that you don't really need professional help yet.
Just be firm and consistent. Try for awhile. You can be the judge if it isn't working and you want a little help.

Wishing you the best,
Neato

The only time outs that work with DD are when we sit calmly together and I nurse her and then I explain to her why her behavior is inapropriate.

With DS I tried before 18m to put him in the 'box' (Dutch word for playpen) but this was making him even more angry, so his behavior was getting worse and then he would get more box time and so on. We removed the box and his behavior improved dramatically.

Maybe your son needs some physical outlet. An old matress to jump upon or a trampoline, or something like that.

I think the thing people often forget about time outs is that they are supposed to be a "time out from the opportunity to..." Most people just stick the kid in a corner and let it go at that. But if the kid isn't bothered by that--if there's no opportunity being missed--then it won't work.

This is why time outs from toys or from playing work.

The other thing I usually do that works for us but is different from what most people do is to just have a child in time out until he calms down and can discuss his behavior with me rationally. This rewards self-control and penalizes overexcitement. Personally, I think the whole "one minute per year of age rule" is too hard-and-fast. If a kid has a bad moment, but calms down quickly and knows what he did was wrong, then why beat that dead horse? On the other hand, if the 3yo were still wigging out after 5 minutes, then he would need more time to get control.

As this strategy seems to have worked pretty well with both my Spock-like DS6 and my RE DS4, I think it's a pretty sound strategy.

As for the hitting...

Age 2+ is the hitting age, so while I would take the behavior seriously so that the child will take it seriously, I don't think I would be treating this as an emergency yet. It's distressing, but it's developmentally appropriate.

Because your son knows the words the teacher uses to tell him to stop hitting, she (and you) may think he understands that he's hurting people, and I suspect that's why she's so bothered by his behavior. But that assumption is not necessarily right. He is only 2! Being smart doesn't mean that a child comprehends the feelings of others any more than any other 2yo would. He knows the words, but I don't think he realizes that people hurt like he does yet.
I would stress that aspect--other people hurt, too, just like you do. You're causing pain. But be patient. He also doesn't have the necessary self-control to keep himself from hitting, even if he wants to. It's a process.

If you haven't already (and I assume you have!) I'd read up on hitting and child development for two reasons: 1) to put your mind at ease a bit, and 2) to give you some good ways to respond to the teacher's concerns. I think she's assuming he understands more than he does, and I think (subtly) pointing out that your son's behavior is developmentally appropriate, though still in need of correction, obviously, it might defuse the problem a bit.

The way we got through the hitting phase with our DSs was to take them to the playground a lot. Sooner or later he'll run into someone who hits *him*, and then you have the conversation about how it feels to him and that that's how it feels to others, too. In the meantime, you keep saying no and removing from his reach any potential targets--like you! At least, that's what we did.

But unless there is other behavior that indicates major emotional problems, I wouldn't let the hitting get blown out of proportion. He may be a smart kid, but he's still a kid, and they pretty much all go through this phase. From what you've said, he's not doing anything abnormal.

(And P.S. DS6 is back to hitting his brother when DS4 won't do as DS6 wants. As I said, it's a process...)

Anyway, I hope that helps!

Thank you SO much! It REALLY helps to know what has worked for you. It's also nice to be reminded that I'm not a bad parent and that DS's behavior is normal (i.e., that he's not a *bad* kid). Even though I spoke to DS's teacher yesterday, the curriculum director wants to meet with me today. Next Saturday we have our semi-annual parent/teacher conferences. I only get 15 minutes with DS's teachers. I'm trying to figure out what questions I need to ask that will benefit DS the most. I'm going to talk about what you've written with DH and DGma tonight. Thanks again! {{{hugs}}}

For my part, you're welcome.

Actually, I'm kind of bothered by the fact that the teacher is making such a big deal of this. She should really know better, since virtually every kid goes through this.

Hang in there!

She's a young/new teacher. On the plus side she's enthusiastic and loves the kids. Alternately, she's concerned b/c the other children in DS's class aren't as aggressive. So... DS's behavior really sticks out. To add to the mix DS is very bossy and likes being in control. I was told that he repeatedly has trouble using his "listening ears" and following directions. However, this seems like normal 2yo behavior -- right???

The last time the school called me they suggested that I teach DS to clap when he wanted to hit. This did not go over well with DS for several reasons.

Me too. Don't be nervous, but in a meeting like this I would tend to want to get more info than I give. I like to know what I'm dealing with.
At this point I wouldn't defend his behaviour just reassure the director that you will be working with him on this.
Let the director talk and then give it time to digest, especially if she says anything that makes you feel defensive of you son. Better to be tight lipped, then gather your thoughts and schedule another meeting.

Good luck today.
p.s. don't be nervous, Kriston and I are big thinkers and super analyzers. I like to prepare for the worst and expect the best!

A friend's son was hitting in preK and it turned out he has sensory issues. They've addressed the sensory issues w/ therapy and from one day to the next, the hitting stopped. It's actually pretty amazing.

I think it's important to try and figure out what the trigger is. Are the kids touching him too much? Touching his things? is there too much noise? Is he not getting what he wants? Is it during transition times? just before lunch? Just after lunch? First thing in the AM?

While hitting is a normal 2 year old behavior, I have seen some kids where it was extreme. One child was slightly younger than my DS, and I knew the family well. Of course we don't know what all goes on behind the closed doors of someone elses house, but I'd bet the farm that this family did not abuse their firstborn(or anyone). Their firstborn son was extremely agressive. He was agressive to EVERYONE. He was about 3 when they had a second son. He could not be allowed near the other child because he would hurt him, badly. His behavior got worse. They did consult a therapist and spent a couple years taking and attending therapy with the oldest.

Bottom line, they worked through the issues their oldest had and he went on to do well in school and life. Their 2nd & 3rd sons had none of those problems and also have done well. They are a great, and functional, family. The mom attributes the work with the therapist as being the most affective in their oldest son's life.

If a behavior is over the top, a consult with a therapist isn't going to hurt. Like everyone has said, 2 year olds hit; it's the degree that should be of concern. We can't tell that from a message board.

ETA, I mentioned my friend & her husband did not abuse their child because quite often an abused child will abuse others. I mentioned that because I'm assuming you are in the same situation, that you do not beat on people.

Yes, this seems like normal 2yo behavior.

Lacking impulse control? Normal. Hitting? Normal. Being bossy? Normal.

I wouldn't even think GTness has anything to do with these issues. They're just normal 2yo stuff. Maybe the bossiness can be exacerbated by GT bossiness, but virtually ALL 2yos are bossy! I think your son has the bad luck of being in an abnormally calm and controlled class.

The clapping thing sounds like a joke! (Sorry, but that's my response!) If he had the self-control to clap, wouldn't he have the self-control to not hit?

As I said, assuming there's no other evidence of emotional problems--and if there is, that's a different story and you should seek help that isn't free ( )--don't let them make a mountain out of a molehill. 2yos hit. You tell them no. They hit again. You tell them no again. Eventually they realize that it's a bad choice and they stop.

Saying thing like "We don't play with people who hit" and then leaving him alone for a "time out from other people" can help, especially for a child who likes to be social. Losing whatever he was hitting to try to get from the other child helps. Saying "Use your words, not your fists" sometimes helps. But kids hit. <shrug> You just have to work through it.

I hope we are not all making a mountain out a molehill!

Why don't you just go to the meeting and see what they say.

Hi Neato! I will gather info. Is this a reconnaissance mission? Smile. I like missions. I have my own theme music playing in my head right now.

Dazie - those are good questions. I am curious as to what may trigger the behavior. DS hits DH and me when he doesn't get to do what he wants. When I take him to play with other kids I've never seen him behave aggressively. Last week another kid pulled DS's hair and repeatedly pushed him at the playground. DS didn't respond, but told me what the other kid did. The other kid's mom was embarrassed. I empathized with her. I haven't seen DS hit other grownups.

I wish DS wasn�t so mean to the other kids at school. Hopefully this phase won�t last too long. DH is worried they would kick DS out of the school, but I don�t think they would do that. The biters in DS�s class haven�t been kicked out yet.