Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Friends/social fears- asynchrony in adolescence

Some spin from personal parallels from that age... small chance this is exactly her scenario but it may be another consideration....

Perception of less intelligence in younger kids is perfectly acceptable as that is the expected norm. It is hard to accept your own perception of dullness in people your age. In one year it is a new social environment and new social circles, likely with more people closer in intellectual interest and capability. The summer internship will functionally be a sneak peek at the other side of the septic tank.

Why set herself up for social and emotional separation with friends that she likely won't retain perhaps even through the summer and definitely not come time for college? It can be unkind and disingenuous to start those friendships now. Similarly even with dating, if you know in yourself what criteria you have, and the purpose of dating is to "test" people out then that is also disingenious.

Intelligent, principle-based living combined with adolescent urges can make things pretty confusing. Also, you can't even explain it, because to put it to words undermines the position and makes the whole thing seem a bit of a fraud.

I agree with kcab about peers but isn't there also help from DYS? This is a big issue for any PG multi-skipped kid. Perhaps there is guidance from them?

I was just having the teen conversation with two moms this morning. One mom has kids in their 20s, one 11 & 13 and me with an 8 year old.

The one in the middle just had a son go to a barmitzvah and come home drunk. She talked about social sites apps. Kids are creating these. One called fm or something is where kids post anonymously anything about another kid. And her kids are good, active, sports oriented. There are so many things going on out there. And no matter how smart you are, emotionally you are still a teen.

I hope this passes without too much discomfort HK.

You know, maybe some thoughtful books on gender issues would be helpful. I have a horrible memory of exactly what all of it was about, but I do remember Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own discussing gender identity to some extent and from a different-than-traditional perspective. Perhaps it's worth a look. I also thought there was some stuff (maybe essays on the Davidson site??) about gender identity in the gifted, along the lines of some gifties tend to find traditional gender roles identity distasteful (just the female/male role stuff, mainly; not as far out there as transgender, etc.). I hope she can work through this in a positive way.

I suspect this particular problem/issue is exogenous and not endogenous.

Well phrased.

The closest parallel to her current experience I had in my own life was my sophomore year in HS, when I had a number of friends 2+ years older (some were on what was jokingly called "the five-year plan" at our then 3-year HS). And one thing I can tell you is that, though these older friends were awesome in that they were very accepting of me and never treated me as a little kid, I could never shake the feeling that they were superior to me because they were older, because they were doing things that I had no experience with/was not ready for, and that I may be intruding to a certain degree.

Of course, this is where personality kicks in, because though I may have felt something like what your DD appears to be feeling, the response was very different. I love a challenge, and so my response was an I'm-going-to-keep-hanging-around-with-these-people-until-someone-tells-me-to-stop sort of thing.

Taking on any kind of leadership role among this group was pretty much a non-starter. To explore that, there had to be age peers. There was just no way to shed the subordinate feeling with older kids, even when there was no justification for it.

The biggest difference between myself and the older kids, naturally, was with their sexual relationships. I'm sure the kids in my group were FAR more promiscuous than your DD's group (5 year plan vs. AP students), but as a younger boy there was never any reason for anyone to try to insinuate me into that activity, because all the older girls were looking for older boys. Your DD's experience, as you've already seen, WILL vary. Put me in the camp who sees avoiding older kids plus trying too hard to fit into her age cohort plus dressing in burlap plus girlfriend roleplay equals your DD running fast and far from that sort of thing... a very natural reaction, IMO.

I see reasonably attractive 14yo girls getting leered at by grown men all the time, and I'm sure your DD has noticed that, too. So there's going to be a sense of vulnerability there all the time. Her behavior could be a response to that, as well.

As a male, I have no insights to share with you on how to help her overcome any of this. All I can share is my insights on where I think the problem lies.

Maybe... pepper spray?

Indeed.

Dude, I know exactly what you're saying there.

I was the female version of you, apparently. Let's just say that you're not wrong about the female experience being profoundly different. (Scary thoughts for parents of girls, trust me...)

DD's trauma at the hands of an older peer seems to have put tendrils into that realm and made her terrified of... well, something.

Gosh, I sure wish that she were willing to work with a professional here. I worry terribly about her coping skills. It's a lot to manage for anyone, much less someone already trying to manage adolescence with a huge degree of asynchrony.

We worry that her socially-prescribed perfectionism lends itself all-too readily to maladaptive coping mechanisms. Guess I need to put my thinking cap on again and suggest a greater variety of positive coping skills. Home-brewed CBT, if you will.

This book has a Christian focus, something our OP may want to be aware of.

Haven't read it myself, but I have listened to their radio program a number of times and found them to give generally very sensible concrete advice on setting boundaries in relationships.

Actually religion gave me a thought... for exploring issues in a non-directed/self-empowered way, I'd suggest the Osho Zen Tarot (no relation) http://www.osho.com/Main.cfm?Area=magazine&Sub1Menu=tarot&Sub2Menu=oshozentarot

If it catches her bent, it has a way of prodding a person into accepting internal truths about how they view a situation. Here's an excerpt from a sample card on their site to give a sense of its insidiousness:

For one of you reading this, you know exactly what it means and better take it to heart.

Actually, it is also an interesting dialog starting tool.

This reminds me of the book The Master and His Emissary.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Master-His-Emissary-Divided/dp/0300188374