Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Grade acceleration for gifted but shy child?

DS5 has been in a half day K / half day preK class for the last year. He goes to preK purely for age-peer socialization. He tested in the highest range among his K classmates (a few others in his class tested jn the same range). His IQ is 145, his AR level is 2.8 and he has tested close to 2nd grade math.

From an academic perspective, grade skipping to first grade makes sense - he can then be placed in the highest groups for math and reading or even sent to second grade as needed. However, he is shy in groups and would even be young among the K class so you can imagine how young and small he is compared to the majority of the K class. As a result of his shyness, he is often not outspoken when asked and not
Demonstrating his comprehension (belied by his test scores) and he gravitates towards the younger boys and often the girls. As a result of him being shy and on the periphery a lot, the school does not want to grade skip but advocates "sending him down/across the hall" for subject matters. I understand the concern but am very very conflicted.

1. He is often shy in any group, age peers or not
2. There is no guarantee that keeping him
With age peers will change his socialization
3. Sending him down the hall may make him feel more odd-man out and IMO he needs to be sent down the hall for everything except art, music and gym perhaps (tho he could).
4. I want him to become more extroverted and confident and comfortable in sports and approaching others but I don't necessarily want to hold
Him back educationally on a mere hopeful basis that he will develop
In that way
5. The school is quite open and receptive and has worked with us but they are not G&T specialists and don't seem, IMO, to understand that gifted
Children often exhibit these social characteristics and so I am not comfortable just deferring to their concern in this area

He has friends in both the incoming k and incoming 1st grade due to his 1/2 and 1/2 schedule this year. He tells me he likes both.

Like any parent, I want to ensure he succeeds. If he stays in K next year and the enrichment isn't sufficient we are spending a whole lot of money for him not to be challenged.

Anyone have thoughts, experienced or advice?

sorry if he has been half in K and half preK how is it grade skipping to go to first? Surely getting him to repeat the K stuff he has done would be pointless.

It seems like you have already done the skip.

I don't see any good reason not to go to first. Some people are shy. That is OK. I would absolutely be strongly advocating for him to be in first.

If your child is naturally an introvert, it is important to respect and honor that innate difference.

Unfortunately, introversion isn't as rewarded as extroversion-- but a truly introverted person is simply hard-wired differently. Such an individual may be able to act like an extravert for a short time, but it is exhausting to do that in most settings. There is social anxiety, and then there is introversion. The two things are not the same at all. Introverts 'recharge' by themselves-- often needing downtime alone after social gatherings.

Any chance your DS is shy in class and doesn't speak up because he feels different than the other kids and is hiding his abilities? My DD was like that and teachers were concerned about it. That is, until she skipped a grade and started speaking up because she no longer felt the need to hide herself. She still does that in math a bit, but only because she's 11 taking Algebra and still finds it much easier than all her classmates, and she doesn't like for people to know that because it makes her stand out. In the classes in which she feels she fits in, she participates just like anyone else. Any chance that this is partly what is going on?

That being said, shyness and introversion are usually innate traits that tend to hold over time. Which is not to say that there are not ways to improve their expression (e.g., practice speaking in front of people, practice with different social situations, making the environment more comfortable). It can be hard to be an introverted person in an extroverted world. And it can be especially hard to be an introverted kid in an educational system generally run by extroverts (afterall, most teachers are extroverts simply for the fact that they enjoy getting up in front of people for hours every day).

Also, I'd like to say that the fact that your DS tends to gravitate toward younger kids and girls might have something to do with his possibly being a more gentle soul than many of the other boys. My DS has always been this way, from toddlerhood to his teenage years. Girls, in particular, tend to be slightly calmer than boys at that age, and my son has always liked that, for lack of a better word, predictability.

It seems to me that you are comfortable with the idea of him going to first this year, it's just the school who is wary. IMO, the idea of making him repeat K is a nonstarter.

I would be curious to know if his pre-K teacher has a different opinion of your DS's shyness than his K teachers.

Thanks all! It is possible he doesn't speak up because he doesn't want to stand out but even 1:1 with a teacher he may say "I don't know" instead of answering when he does know the answer - he does not love being put on the spot. Not sure if its introversion or not. I think it may be fear of being wrong (though he isn't usually lol!).

I defintely think he is a gentle soul. He is also an old soul. He likes the calmer kiddos for sure. He will be a leader in small group settings especially if he is older.

His prek teacher expressed concern early on that he was quiet when we insisted on the push to k but all I hear now is how much he loves prek - it is easy and playtime for him. He is confident I think because it is easy and a no brainier. As a perfectionist I bet he is quite comfortable! i feel that if i ask her how he does socially she will tell me great, but we also have to consider that the class is half the size and more play. to have him tell it he likes both a lot, he has friends jn both, he feels comfortable in both and he is brave and social. To have his teachers tell it, he is shy and quiet but always does his part.

I agree educAtionally that even the subject matter acceleration and afternoon project based learning they propose while remaining in K will still not provide all the academic challenge he needs; however, my concern is he will feel inadequate in sports and continually be singled out as younger and so always feel different and never have a sense of social mastery that he may get staying with age mates.

So far, every academic professional we have spoken to (even those not at his school) advocates keeping him with his age peers and doing enrichment. They state that it is best for his overall development. The "whole child" approach. As much as parents are influential, so are peers and it is hard to know what impact advancement may have on his social well being.. I know there is no way to know if his apparent introversion or shyness is age-based so we have to take a shot in the dark when making the choice to move him up or try to customize a K program for him.

Thinking slippery slope I wonder how it would feel to be last to reach puberty, last to get a license, to have to be driven on dates and to prom. To be smaller etc...

If only I had a crystal ball.

Thanks all! Thought I replied but don't see my response. I think he is introverted particularly in large groups. According to him, he is not shy in either class and speaks up and has equal friends. According to his K teacher, he is shy and doesn't always answer (when he knows it). According to his PreK teacher he loves Prek because it is easy and fun and he often just gets to play.

I guess the risk is not knowing whether is introversion is the result of not wanting to appear a know-it-all, his perfectionism and fear of being wrong manifesting, an age-related thing, or the result of him feeling different ... Or just who he is. I gess that is my fear - that he would grow out of it and thrive better of given subject matter acceleration while remaining in k among age mates.

My greatest concern with skipping is that he won't thrive socially and will feel inadequate in sports and playing with boys, especially with the huge red shirting trend here. As much as we, as parents, would do our best to help him in these areas, peers and social pressure could be a lot.

So far every educator I have asked says it is best for development if he stays with his age mates and just gets subject matter acceleration. It sounds like the concern is often social issues in later years (being the last to hit puberty, last to
Drive impacting dating and social life, size impacting sports etc). While I can see that side, it is not the only side...

If only I had that crystal ball, right?!?

Back in the 70s, as a child, I was popped up a grade, from 4th to 5th, and lasted there about two weeks.

I'd lost all my friends. It was like a death. I'd lost the "team" feeling I'd had with my classmates, and was surrounded by what I took to be cold older guys.

I wasn't an introvert. I was an extrovert. And I missed my compadres.

I would check out the research here: http://www.accelerationinstitute.org/Research/Default.aspx

and also all of the stories that have been shared re: positive acceleration experiences.
http://www.accelerationinstitute.org/Personal_Stories/Default.aspx

Athletics aren't my dd's thing, but I know that can be a factor to consider. Good luck!

Deacongirl,

Thank you for these!! The success stories really help to ease my mind about our ds's decision.