Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DD's comment today

Dd, who is 7 and highly gifted, tells me today she doesn't sit with anybody at lunch and plays by herself at recess. She goes on to tell me she doesn't have any friends and that her only friends are books and God.

How did she sound? Does it actually bother her? Or was it just an observation?

I remember being like that when I was her age and I also remember that it didn't bother me at all that I didn't have any close friends. I felt just fine with my books. What DID bother me was my parents and everyone else telling me I needed to find friends and insisting on me going outside and play with the other kids at the playground when what I really wanted to do was be at home with a piece of paper writing out binary numbers! So I am determined to let our kids play just the way they want. For now it's not an issue as DS4.5 loves being around other kids but it's all about running around with them. He can't really carry a conversation with them since they don't understand what the heck he's talking about most times.

So, I wouldn't feel too bad about it unless she actually feels left out?

I was like that too. I didn't mind being alone - what bothered me was external pressure to socialize (ie school teams, group projects, partnerships, etc). Why couldn't they just leave me by myself? I was perfectly happy alone.

Is she in the appropriate grade for a 7 year old or did she skip a grade and in class with older kids?

If she is in a class with older kids, it may be a maturity issue (for her) or a jealousy issue (for the other kids), if the other kids feel threatened by her younger age and her higher intelligence.

If she is upset about this, I would talk to the teacher and find out who her friends are in the classroom and find out how her social skills are presenting. I would then make a surprise lunch date (don't tell DD you are coming) and go and see what the lunch situation looks like with your own two eyes. If she is indeed sitting alone, I would talk to the teacher about why this is happening at age 7. In our school, each classroom has two lunch tables that seat approximately 24 kids. Not only would it be impossible for someone to truly be sitting alone, it would not be allowed.

As far as recess goes, there is really no way to make kids play or interact with one another if they choose not to. I would role play with her at home to teach her some friendly social skills that will improve her chances of connecting with a friend at recess time. For example, I would role play with her on how to introduce herself and make a friend: Hi, I am Emily, what is your name? Hi XXXX, do you like to swing? Let's go swing together!

If you role play with her and she practices what you teach, in time it should improve.

On the flip side, if she is in the age-appropriate class, perhaps she has little in commom with the kids in her class.

But, I completely agree with Mk13 and CCN. If she was simply stating rather than complaining, I wouldn't worry much. Most of the world is extroverted and can't imagine that it would be fine not to have any friends outside of books and God, but we introverts know that there is nothing wrong with choosing to be alone.

How do you think your DD feels about things?

She is in a regular classroom at this point, the gifted class will start next year. When she said it it was a sort of statement with what I would consider a small amount of disappointment. I tried asking her if she was sad that she sits by herself at lunch and she said not really. That she would rather be alone.

Also, I don't think I've tried too often to force her to play with others. There is a girl in her class that is a dd of my friend that I invite over on the weekends. The little girl is a sweetheart and I enjoy having her. She will sometimes play with my 7 yo dd but will also play with my 9 yo dd. So it's up to my 7 yo to decide if she wants to play with her... which is usually 50/50.

But overall she just prefers to be alone. We were at an indoor water park a few weeks ago with a handful of parents from school and their kids and she just hung out by herself or with the parents. The parents wanted to know if the other kids were bothering her or excluding her b/c they couldn't figure out why she wasn't playing with the rest of them.

Given what you guys have said in regards to how you felt about this as a child, I will be sure not to force her to interact if she doesn't want to.

ETA: She does play with her 9 yo sister.

ETAx2: I have been planning on popping in unexpectedly at lunch one day, just haven't been able to do it yet as I have been working a lot lately. Hope to make it this Thursday though.

we had something quite similar recently with DD5.

so i started looking for conversational opportunities with DD5 on the theme of friendships - and some interesting stuff emerged: the other girls don't play anything but princess/ they spend all their time arguing about who will be the princess/ obviously that's boring/ i want to have friends, but they don't like my ideas/ i would rather be alone with my thoughts than play with them/ it's hard to please them / i prefer my Grade 5 learning buddy/ she's better to talk to.

looking at the general trend of her comments over a period of time has really helped me figure out if this is a problem for her - i think it is, but only to an extent. the issue at the heart of it has been (yet again) the struggle between her desire to blend in vs. her need to be herself.

i guess that was a long-winded way of saying that you may get more detail from your daughter in the days/weeks to come - and i'm wishing you both the very best!

I wouldn't panic over the comment, but I'd continue to pay attention, as well as continue to have the types of conversations where you "drop pebbles" to see if any info bubbles up to the surface - ie, you initiate the conversation in a very slight way, ask a leading question, something simple, see if it leads to a deeper conversation where you get more info on how she's feeling or what's up.

I wouldn't just let it drop to the background altogether though. My ds was in a semi-similar situation in elementary school. He started out with two fast-friends in kindergarten, but as he moved on in school those two friends kept making other new friends and ds never did. When he was in 4th grade he started wondering why he didn't seem to be making friends like the other kids were, and he told me he was hanging out by himself on the playground at recess. It wasn't too long after that before he announced to us (quite unexpectedly, to be honest) that he was bored to tears with his school academics. We transferred him to another school after we found out about the boredom, and viola, once we had him placed in a better academic fit, he made new friends easily.

Had we described him socially (at school) back in early elementary we (and his teachers) would have said he was a quiet, introverted boy who had difficulty making new friends. At home he was very outgoing and happily played with his sisters. In preschool he'd been relatively social. The reality is - he actually *IS* extremely extroverted and social and he makes friends easily - the not being with anybody on the playground in elementary school wasn't *him*, and was instead a sign that something in his world at school wasn't a good fit.

Best wishes,

polarbear

My DS14 is like that but is mostly happy with it. School forces him to socialize more than he in comfortable with anyway. My biggest worry is him being bullied, but as far as I can tell that is not happening. Some kids are intensely unhappy when this happens, others it's just there nature. After work on his social skills last year, this year I have just dropped the issue & he seems satisfied.