Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums GT Research Tangent from other post: Hard Way or Easy Way

Reading the posts about what would give our kids more: I think it is hard to go the middle way when you don't have struggles.

I hope that I give good values and create an appreciation in DD3, but then I look at her 10 pair of princess shoes and gowns and realize she didn't buy them, I did. We take her to Disney, we take her to Rocking Horse Ranch. We take her to spend the summer at the beach. At what point do I start those appreciation lessons? I am not good at middle of the road. And when my mother died, I was 16, my father canceled the SAKS credit card and made me ask for every cent. Not easy explaining to your father that you need money for Tampax. It made me get summer jobs and put myself through college. (Easier in Canada)

But that life changing moment was necessary for me to create a hunger to go after things I wanted. I cannot see how I create that hunger in DD.

Ren

She's 3. She doesn't need that yet. At 3 you just want to be sure that you don't say no and then give in to her. If you say no, mean it. That and meeting her intellectual needs to keep her challenged is enough hardship for a 3yo.

Ren, your DD sounds a lot like mine. It is a pitty they cannot meet because I am certain they would become great friends.

As for the original question, I think that now DD needs the easy way concerning her needs in security and love, so when she awakes at night I comfort her and let her come to our bed. She will outgrow this need with time, and for that she needs to feel secure.
For her 'needs' concerning toys... I think she has as well the easy way. On one hand, I tell myself often that I should not buy so much stuff to her. But then I see something and I cannot avoid buying it because I think it will help to challenge DD and provide her with some intellectual growth. Even if it is a princess gown because she has a talent for acting. (I mean a real talent, not just the 'drama queen' talent).

On an anecdotic note: a friend whith a DS of the same age as DD often makes the remark about how MANY toys they both (DD and her DS) have... only her DS has one tenth of toys !!! (that's the typical Dutch way). I sometimes wonder if she knows how to count or maybe she is tying to subtly tell me something? What do you think?

Remember that post about our emotional baggage and how it impacts how we parent? This thread reminds me of it--I want my kids' childhood to be better & easier than mine. But sometimes I wonder whether I do them a little disservice by making things easier for them. I see them take some things for granted that I never would have and it gets me angry but then I realize that they have a sense of entitlement because I've always provided. But why should they have to struggle if they don't have to? I do want them to be "hungry" to achieve. I show the boys contest opportunities for art or essays with $ prizes. They decline. Hmmm. Difficult to say what is best.

It's not the number of toys that a child has; it's the willingness with which they were given. If you wanted to give her the 10th or 100th or 1000th princess dress, then that's fine. But if you didn't want to and gave in, then you are spoiling her because she can't trust your word. Consistency of message is the key.

Or so I've read...

It's interesting that this has been brought up. I chaperon my kid's field trips and there is always one child who complains the entire time about how boring it is, when can we leave, this is stupid, etc. I feel this is similar to someone giving you a Christmas present and you telling them to their face that you hate it. At some point along the way, this child was not taught to appreciate things that other do for him. This of course resulted in a lecture to my children about how to never behave!!!!

I don't think a child is ever too young to be taught to appreciate what others do for them. I always have told my kids to be grateful when someone gives you a present, tell them thank you even if you hate it because they didn't HAVE to give you anything at all. And if you do hate it you can tell mom after you get home, but never in front of the person. I have also always told them to think how they would feel if they went to lots of trouble picking out something you think someone will like and they tell you they hate it. These are small things absolutely, but something even a young child should be able to understand. I think small lessons can go a long way.

It is hard to appreciate things when you don't have to work for them at some point. 3 is definitely too young to have to work for things, but as she gets older you can institute an allowance system or something similar so she has to buy things for herself. I know my kids appreciate things more when they've actually had to work hard to obtain them.

I guess I don't think it is ever too early to start talking about being appreciative for the things you have, although I admit that certainly doesn't mean that my 2 are always appreciative of the things they have There are definitely times I wish they were more appreciative.

And Kriston, I totally agree that consistency is very important. If you say "no" you should mean "no". Although I admit I have failed at this sometimes.

Haven't we all!

I think that one of the things we are trying to achieve is create kids who are able to delay gratification. Here is a link http://select.nytimes.com/2006/05/07/opinion/07brooks.html?_r=1&n=Top%2fOpinion%2fEditorials%20and%20Op%2dEd%2fOp%2dEd%2fColumnists%2fDavid%20Brooks&oref=slogin

DD5 would eat the marshmallow immediately, never ring the bell and convince the tester that they had forgotten to leave the marshmallow in the first place!

LOL, neato.

I suspect that there are many careers open to people with those skills, not all of them exactly legal, but still many options!