Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Things are getting very bad

marytheres, I am so sorry things have become so contentious. I am wondering what your advocate has to say about the latest turn of events? I would also second the recommendation to see if you can find a pro-bono legal services office in your area that specifically is set up to serve people with disabilities - we have an office in our area, and I did talk to them when our situation with our school became contentious (as well as participated in a few parent training sessions that they put on). The reason I'd recommend at least looking for such a service and at least talking to them briefly is that chances are good they've been involved in other cases within your school district, and may have a working history that involves either your school or your principal - and they may also be very interested in stepping in and advocating for you.

I also would not ignore the emails - I would do as you've done, respond to each politely. And I wouldn't avalanche communications on the teacher, but I also wouldn't stop them - I would simply move forward and communicate as necessary from your perspective.

I also second the advice to look into a change of schools - even though your ds is happy and has had a good year. You're not having a good year! And your ds is eventually going to see what is going on. A previous poster mentioned the toll that this type of situation can take on a parent personally as well as family, a marriage etc. It's very easy to get so caught up in the fight (both parents and the school) that at some point the issue and focus *become* the fight, and shift away from where they need to be - your ds. That happened in my own advocacy for my ds, but I was so caught up in the personal battles and so determined to "win" that Id didn't realize how much of my energy was spent in advocating. In the meantime, I thought my ds was doing ok (other than the areas he was challenged in)... but when he was in the spring of one of his elementary school years, after we'd won the battle for an IEP and after he was supposed to be getting services... he simply told me he was done. I found out then that he'd been sitting on the sidelines of it all, knowing he needed help, knowing that the school didn't think he needed help (his interpretation), knowing I'd finally gotten an IEP for him, knowing that the teachers weren't implementing the accommodations that he *had* in the IEP, and knowing that he had a piece of paper that said he was supposed to be getting help, knowing he desperately needed that help, and knowing that he wasn't getting it. He internalized all of that for the longest time until he couldn't take it anymore. (And at the same time, he was bored to tears in class not challenged intellectually... hopefully that's not the case for your ds). Anyway, the bottom line is - I should have given up sooner. I won the battle but lost the war. The school ds was in was *the* school I had thought would be perfect for him, the school I thought would be able to differentiate, the school I wanted so to be able to be the school I wanted it to be. And it just wasn't.

What I didn't realize, was how *good* it would feel to be out of there! We did switch schools once our ds told us he wanted to switch, and I was sad about having to switch as well as I had concerns because of all the work I'd put into getting ds' IEP, worried that work would be lost. What I found instead was... when you are at a school where the staff *isn't* contentious, where the teachers are free to simply care about the students, life is *so* much easier. My ds loved his new school, and so did I. I no longer had to go to school to fight, I went to school and teachers listened to what I had to say.

So I don't know. I totally understand that you've planned well and set your family up so that your child can attend the school that you felt at one time was the best fit, and chances are that maybe it is really working out for your ds. I'd just take a moment to think through - is this working for you? Is there a possibility that there's another school your ds could switch to that might be more willing to work with you and not put up walls in every direction? Ask your advocate and your neuropsych and any other private professionals you've worked with - which school do they recommend for your ds?

The other thing I'm curious about - I think your ds has been going to vision therapy already, right? I'm just curious if the intent of the form they gave you was to say you'd agree to no further *vision* services. I still wouldn't sign the form, but I'm guessing that might have been the intent.

Hang in there - I am continually impressed at how well you are handling a very tough situation!

polarbear

I agree with this.

BUT if anyone is being bullied it's me .... It feels like he tries to bully me constantly. I do think he is intentionally trying to bully me.

I think he wants to stop communication between teachers and me because more than once now a teacher has said something that indicated a violation of the iep. He is worried about the liability that comes with the fact that teachers are unknowingly or not realizing that they violating the iEP and then clearly admitting the violations in writing. The answer to that is not stopping communication - it's making sure the teachers are fully educated and having a specific IEP so that everyone knows what they are suppose to be doing to be in compliance.

I totally agree with all of this, and this is not uncommon in my local school district (not the same district marytheres is in).

Thanks Polarbear. My advocate is nice but not she's doesn't get back to me quickly. I have no idea what she thinks yet. I think I may need someone more aggressive and more available than she ... But she is free and to get more I suppose I'll have to pay.


Yes, DS has been going to private VT. I am not sure what their intent was but I have read that there are issues with schools right now misusing these type of agreements to take away parents rights: http://www.specialeducationadvisor.com/beware-districts-forcing-settlement-agreements/. I think it's handy way for school districts generally to conveniently deprive (difficult) people of their rights and I think it's been working for them for awhile. Imagine if I signed that agreement. I'd be completely shut down - none of the iep violations would matter... they could do what they want to DS short of criminal stuff and I'd have no way to stop them. How convenient - all for a lousy 20 sessions of vision therapy. I definitely see some nefarious intent there - they are certainly not intending to help any one but themselves with that.

Right-- and to clarify, the "avalanche" technique that I mentioned is really about "you wanted complete control? FINE. But be careful what you ask for..."

By no longer 'asking' the teacher about everyday things... and instead following the absolute LETTER of the directive from the (toxic) administrator...

I mean, when you add it all up, this is potentially a dozen or more e-mails each week, right? And yes, most of them are going to be like gnats circling the administrator's head... but the thing is, s/he TOLD you to do things this way. Totally not your fault; blah-blah-blah, know that you're busy, so apologetic about bothering over this, but...

After all, simply stonewalling you at that point doesn't look good either. Because that becomes SUPER obvious when you have a chain of "look, I sent this on this date... wow, no response... wow, still no response..."

I've only had one administrator attempt to bully me-- and this is the method that I used to make sure that he didn't get what he was after (compliance and less trouble from me).

I also was able to leverage what I *knew* were procedural violations that he admitted to in writing into better cooperation from the following administration, too. MAJOR win, that, and it also demonstrated with a whisper that I'm not the 'bad guy' because I *could* have filed with OCR... and I knew that I could have, but didn't. Show of goodwill. KWIM?


I would never, ever, EVER involve the media in something like this. That's my personal take on things-- it NEVER seems to go to any kind of good place for the family/child at the center of things.

I can tell you what that special ed attorney colleague thinks is the best path for a kid like DS - i.e., a kid who is very bright or gifted with a learning disability like dyslexia or dysgraphia. He says the best result that he sees with these sort of kids is that they got to elementary school to a place like here: http://www.aimpa.org/New/index.shtml (he seems to highly recommend this particular school). He says after a few years in this type of school these type of children go on to fabulously in a regular school say for middle school/ high school. I know of one case where my particular school district had to pay for OOD placement at this school for a child with dyslexia that they failed but from reading the case that poor family went through hell.

I don't know that you are at a point you'd want to go there yet.. but another resource you could turn to is the Office of Civil Rights.... I need to run and don't have time to explain, but I've heard of other families turning to them when their school districts attempted tactics like this. Not turning to them as in full-on legal stage, but calling them up and asking for advice or just bringing the violation to the attention of the office.

more later,

polarbear

I've communicated with a few other families who advocated their way to OOD placements, but it took a huge toll in terms of time, energy and $ - I've often wondered if the saving through the tuition paid by the district as well as the value of the school really was substantial enough to warrant the battle for placement. The school you've linked above looks wonderful.. fwiw, at quick glance, the general things they do with their students in middle school (all I had time to look at) are very similar to the things that are in place as part of the curriculum at my ds' school. It's not a school that is set up for students with disabilities but because they are structured the way they are (integration of technology, curriculum includes specific structure for building organizational skills etc) ds has benefited from the same types of help he might have had at a school for kids with LDs (which we don't have in our area at the moment). It's worked out well - so sometimes it's possible to find solutions that are in-between.

Hang in there!

polar

Yes, you could call OCR-DOE for "technical advice" about your situation.

Or simply tell your district to do so. (Implying, of course, that you are VERY confident that they'll hear "straighten up or you're going to get a spanking.")

Again, I've used the latter strategy successfully.

I agree with this. Does your district have open enrollment ? If they do, maybe it is worth it to check the other schools in the district ?


Maybe not today, but I would definitely call her within 48 hours of the email if you haven't heard anything. Maybe she is super confused about the emails and is not quite sure how to respond ? I try and give people the benefit of doubt; however, if there is no action or only passivity, I would probably start going higher in the chain.

Also, I think I would definitely edit out your location as well as name references to your child. Not sure if your school is reading here or not, but better to edit those out (for the future).

All the very best, and I hope it all works out.